Like crystal beads falling from the sky, each droplet scattering light... or perhaps tears, tears of those who watch us from above.

Rain...

She always felt a distinct longing as she gazed at the diamonds, washed out. One by one, sliding down the window sills like they were the most beautiful yet most fragile thing. Can all the things in this world, the torrent emotions in her chest, melt away like colours in the rain?

Maybe... Maybe not.

The cold breeze hummed a melody to her ears, softly, like a tune she had often heard, memorized by the lines repeatedly. It was nostalgic and even as she willed to forget it, bury it in the depths of her consciousness, pretend she couldn’t hear; this sound, the splashing rain, echoing to what seemed like a song tugging her soul, she could not unlearn it. It was like the rhythmic beating of her heart, once stopped, would mean her own demise.

She lifted her head, watching the ashen clouds pass by, watching the droplets fall to the earth, obscuring her vision to a hazy blur. Such heavy sentiments clinging to her heart, Lee Chaerin did not need them, she needed release. So much that her chest would explode thinking a second more. This was not how things should turn out.

She inwardly cursed her incompetence, her inability to restrain her emotions, collect herself to the levelled "CL" she always was.

Leaders don't cry. It's our burden.

"You're insane, Chaerin. Damn insane to not want him."

And yet no matter how much the rationality in her wanted to keep everything in place, one single part, the part beating in her chest suggested otherwise. She was lost, torn between the thresholds of want and regret, love and guilt; all these emotions spiralling inside her and so many more she could not name.

Only a few days ago she was laughing, holding his hand like there was nothing else more important. And as she remembered the feeling of his long slender fingers laced in between her own, she could not help but wince as the memories begin to flood in. How the familiarity in between her fingers felt so perfect and how the absence of those fingers now felt hauntingly empty.

________

"Chae, do you know why our hands have spaces in between?" He whispered to her with an all knowing grin as they walked towards the building after their usual early morning jogs. The sun was beginning to rise, peeking with its reddish gold dyes across the horizon. It was always so beautiful, one of the reasons they woke up early despite being "type A’s".

She turned to him neutrally, after wiping a bead of sweat that slid down her forehead. "Tell me, oppa." The half-frozen autumn wind blew past them with a rustle of maple leaves.

He took a deep breath, turning to the sky with its vibrant colours blending with the clouds then glancing back at her with an inspecting gaze. It took him a few more moments before answering. He held out his hand, wanting her to look at it closely. "It's because somewhere in this life, we'll find someone to fill the gaps in between these spaces."

His voice was gentle like the rustling wind, almost fond and she could not help but notice the sharp pang on her chest, the unusual racing of her heart, her irregular breathing.

"Someone who'd make us complete."

She lifted her gaze, meeting his smouldering dark amber ones with the depth she could not fathom. It drew her in, rooted her in place and the vitality within. She could not help but be moved by the gentle expression that crossed his countenance, one of the rare occasions he was not weary of the fast-paced lives they lived.

He was smiling. The boyish charm he would only show to her and her alone, and somehow she felt at ease.

With a swift, orchestrated move, he took her hand, carefully lacing his fingers in between. Her plain black bracelet chimed with the metal of the red band on his right wrist.

The warmth of his palm enveloped her small hand, gentle like the rays of the sun in an early spring morning. She knew that hand, the contours of his fingers, the lines of his palm; she knew it all too well.

"See? It's a perfect fit."

________

As fleetingly as the memory came, it left her, alone again under the merciless downpour of rain.

"Perfect fit...huh?" She whispered quietly against the fabric of her ebony jacket as she wiped the dampness from her face. How long has she been standing here? Soaked wet and chilled to the bone, she couldn't even recognize the flow of time. She didn't even feel the cold biting wind.

She felt though, the vibration from her left pocket. Her mobile was ringing again and it had been doing so for the past hour. The person on the other line was desperate to reach her and she, she was running away again.

No matter how many missed calls and messages registered on her bright screen, they were all greeted with hard cold neglect.

She did not want to be reached.

The stirring confusion inside her, the conflicting feelings dividing her and breaking her apart all the same. She no longer knew which to surrender to.

She loved him, loved him so much that it was painful to breathe.
And he loved her, loved her so much that she was his music.

And yet what was this empty void lingering in her chest?

Chaerin, what's wrong? You've changed.

She closed her eyes, wanting to drown away his words and the scorching sting they had left in her heart.

"I have, Jingyo... I have."

The innocent uncertainty since she first accepted she was indeed in love with her senior, her best friend, her Jingyo.

The exhilaration that took her above the ground when he spoke how much he loved her.

The unbridled passion that burnt her senseless that faithful night they both gave in.

The contentment as he locked her in his strong arms for an embrace, whispering he'd hold her even if tomorrow never comes.

Everything she felt and was supposed to feel, all washed out into a blank slate, whiter than the first fall of snow. It was a tidal wave that engulfed her whole and left her with nothing else to return to.

Perhaps the fireworks lost their luster.

Perhaps the flames died out to ashes.

Perhaps....

Just what happened?

"I don’t know."

She was a mess and she made no effort to deny it.

Is this all the great CL, the baddest female could amount to? She could spite herself this very moment. Lee Chaerin was not supposed to run away. Surely, this was not how YG groomed her. She was born to conquer, and yet in this most vulnerable hour, her head hung low, her hands clasped white almost drained of blood. She would not even recognize herself. She ran her shaking fingers through her soaked blonde hair, her golden tendrils spun across her face.

Horrible,
Pathetic,
How...
Weak.

She felt the weight on her chest more unbearable than it had ever been, strangling her, pulling her down, stealing her ability to speak.
 

Kwon Jiyong
(Jingyo)
Calling...

She finally reached for her mobile, holding it out from the depths of her inner pocket. "Damn it." She cursed as if having been burnt from touching the answer key.

It was time to stop running,
But she did not speak.

Chaerin, listen to me.

She could visibly hear his voice breaking despite the sound of white static noise, despite the crashing rain.

The desperation, the pain, he wasn't even trying to hide it.

She couldn’t bear the thought of hurting him.
It broke her all the same.

"Oppa, I'm sor-"

Just listen to me... Please.
 

 
"Even though I'm by your side right now,
Baby, I'm so lonely."