My Secret Diary [3 of 3]
J & J
############
Meanwhile, Junmyeon was still muttering and mumbling, violently kicking the seat in front of him
"I hate you-I hate you-I hate you."
In a small bus, heading for the airport and try to stop Jongin, whatever his decision was.
The cars sped fast out the window, people talked and walked bringing forward the pace of their lives without knowing at all the drama on which he was going through at that moment.
"I hate you, Jongin."
Why...
Why did you go there like this, without telling me?!
"Don't do anything, please!"
The people on board turned to him, after hearing him blurt out loud and without understanding why.
"Wait for me, Jongin-..."
The boy leaned against the seat and sighed, his eyes unfocused and his face tired, pale.
Exhausted.
I'll make you understand that it's a mistake...
All this is just a mistake...
############
"Jongin."
Zitao's weak and vented voice continued to babble words seemingly meaningless, avoiding looking at his interlocutor in the eye, embarrassed and nervous.
Unexpectedly, incredibly.
"My-... My reaction was so exaggerated, that day, just because-... Well, it seemed impossible to think even just for a moment to separate me from you."
Silence.
Jongin knew his ex-friend was right, they were the same emotions that he himself had felt, after all those years of silence.
"Continue, please."
He swallowed a little more beer and leaned his elbows on the table, he knew that the speech would be made more interesting now.
"We fought many times but-... After a few hours, we always came back looking for each other like two little dogs."
"Cause you've always had a horrible personality."
"You too, Jongin. You've always had a bad temper, you've been constantly looking for someone to fight."
"Tsk-..."
As if you were better then me, you .
"Call it immaturity, call it insecurity, I-... I've never understood, really. But-... All this was just-... It was just what-..."
"What?"
"Oh, God."
Zitao raised his head, looked him in the eyes.
"I was in love with you, Jongin."
A break.
The other, from his part, had no idea what to say.
Should I feel surprised, perhaps? Or honored? Or excited?
No.
Nothing at all.
"How strange, huh? After all this time-... Me, Zitao, I'm coming to you just right now, now that you've got your life, maybe you have your woman and you've finally found your peace of mind. And I-... I'm just an - ... "
############
Junmyeon was rushing towards the entrance of the airport, wriggling through the crowd and the general chaos.
He could think of nothing but Jongin, the fear of losing him now that he just had found him.
"Jesus, the bar! Where-... Where's the bar-"
As soon as he saw the sign indicating the direction of the bar, he could see from afar the figure half-illuminated of his lover sitting on the third red table, holding a glass of beer.
"THERE!"
He came, he tried to open the door but stopped suddenly.
I can't, he told himself.
"I can't interfere, now-..."
And he decided to hide behind a pillar and wait.
"I want to see what he does without me."
############
"It's amazing, isn't it?! Finding out to be a really stupid fagot, just like I told you."
It was at that moment that Jongin had fainted.
Suddenly, looking into Zitao's eyes, his mind went back to that day of seven years ago.
"You're crazy, Zitao. You don't know what you say."
"No, Jongin. I imagined this scene every day in the past few years, I even told and retold it several times in a loud voice."
"You're a fool."
"Yeah, I'm a fool."
Zitao put a hand on his.
"I'll ask you just to think about it-... Okay? I just ask you-... Think about what I told you. I'll stay here for another week, I'll wait if you-"
SBAM.
Junmyeon.
He couldn't bear to see that scene.
"JONGIN!"
Hand in hand...
He entered the bar and rushed towards their table, Zitao stood up.
"Junmyeon? You are-"
"Keep your hands off, YOU PIG!"
Jongin stood up, he felt aded by a strange sense of warmth, of tension.
"Junmyeon-..."
He had gone there for him, he thought.
He had followed him, he had spied on him.
He had gone there to take him back.
"You are Junmyeon?! The same Junmyeon that-"
"YES, I AM! Nice to meet you, you son of a-"
"JUNMYEON!"
Jongin grabbed him by the hips, stopping his attempt to deliver a punch to the third wheel.
"Now we go out, please!"
Dragging him, holding him tightly.
"We can't stay here, we are attracting too much attention."
Pushing him out of the bar and heading them towards the airport exit.
"Hey-"
Just arrived to the front sliding doors, Zitao grabbed Junmyeon by the shoulder and pulled him.
"You! Are you Jongin's boyfriend?!"
"Yes!"
Jongin vibrated.
It was the first time ever that someone claimed his own position as his boyfriend, so shamelessly.
And it was the first time he saw Junmyeon so sure about himself.
"I'm Jongin's boyfriend. Is this a problem, for you?!"
"What-"
Zitao opened his eyes and looked at his ex-friend in search of an explanation, reassurance.
But nothing, just silence and confusion.
"Jongin? What he's saying, he is-"
"How dare you come here, after all these years?! Do you have any idea how much time and effort did Jongin to forget you and your stupidity?!"
While Junmyeon raised his voice more and more, out of his mind.
Jongin looked at him, looked at his lips opening and closing rhythmically.
"My-... My boyfriend-..."
Muttering, confused.
Zitao snapped.
"Jongin!"
He grabbed his arm and pull him.
"As far as I see, you are not so convinced of what this guy is saying. This makes me believe that-"
"NOTHING! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BELIEVE ANYTHING, YOU BASTARD!"
The truth?
The chocolate brown-haired boy was shocked.
He didn't know at all how to react to the whole situation, so brazen in that statement. He was neither uncertain nor confused, indeed, he knew exactly what he should say or do at that time, but he didn't know how.
Junmyeon's voice trembled.
"I will not let anyone take him away from me. Especially someone like you."
"Tsk-..."
But that conversation was definitely taking a wrong turn, thought again Jongin, who decided to drag them both out of the airport and avoid putting on a show.
"Out. Let's go outside."
I love you, Junmyeon.
"I don't want everyone to know my business."
I love you with all my heart.
"Especially if at stake is my reputation."
"Reputation, Jongin?!"
Junmyeon was totally out of control.
His hair began to lightly wet by a warm rain, which had suddenly fall from that sky so dark and threatening.
"This is not about reputation."
He reached into his pocket and fumbled, trembling slightly, slightly cold.
His voice shook again.
"I-... I love you. It's about this."
And Jongin winced again, under the gaze of a speechless, almost shocked and astonished Zitao.
"But you see, I-... I'm not so selfish to decide for you. I'll let you figure out what is best to do."
Junmyeon looked down, pulled his hand out of his pocket and opened his palm in front of his face.
"Your key Jongin. It's up to you now, to decide whether to use it to come back or-..."
And Jongin could only feel his cold hand, stiff.
"Or cross the door of our home for the last time."
Brushing it.
As the rain continued to come down with more and more violence.
############
What a wonderful lie is, love.
Junmyeon was lying on his bed, staring into space.
The moonlight coming from the window lit up his face, his cheeks still wet with tears, shiny.
Curled up on himself, slightly nauseated.
"What a wonderful, sweet, sublime, entrancing lie-..."
Is you, Jongin.
It had been already two hours since he had returned home, the phone didn't rang and no one had approached the front door, trying to enter.
"I-... I wonder if-...
Jongin voice echoing down the hall...
"I wonder if you're thinking about me, right now."
There wasn't.
Only silence, the sound of rain outside the window.
"I think I could dissolve in the air now."
Forgetting to exist.
"Or I could become more and more cold, freezeing up and feeling nothing."
Then crush me into tiny pieces and slip through your clothes, wherever you are, to feel close to you again.
"To listen to your breath again. Although not having you, although not being yours, although being again two strangers."*
Lulled by that violent and imposing roar.
Falling asleep like a baby.
############
"It's been almost a year since that day. I can still feel the warmth flow through my chest, climb up to my throat."
Jongin slid up beside Junmyeon's half-asleep body, hugging him gently, grabbing his hand.
"I wasn't able to say a word, I could barely breathe, I couldn't believe this was happening to me."
"Jongin-... You're back-..."
"Yes-..."
Squeezing it stronger than ever. Almost blocking the circulation of his blood.
"Why?"
"I looked at him, impaled like an idiot, I stared at his eyes and...
I felt something inside me, a different emotion, which I had never felt."
"For you."
His voice was weak, hoarse with emotion, he trembled at feeling the other's body attached to his, in that room lit only by the soft light of the moon.
In that bed that, just before, had listened to him secretly crying.
"For me?"
"He was... Beautiful. It was the most beautiful creature I had ever seen,
and he was stayed by my side all the time, for all those years, and yet..."
"Yes, for you... I'm back cause-... There's something I want to tell you."
Jongin walked over to him, put his mouth right above his ear, breathing gently through his hair.
Without leaving his hand even for once.
"What?"
"I never realized how wonderful it was his smile, his perfume."
Making him turn toward him, bringing his mouth to his lips.
Brushing, narrowing his eyes.
"I-... I don't want to escape, not anymore. I just want-..."
"He turned towards me, looked at me with those eyes so big and bright,
and I understood the reason for all these new feelings, confused."
"I want to stay like this, with you. As if there were anyone else besides us, in this city."
"Jongin-..."
Their breaths met, mingled, their hands joined.
"The reason for all those heady, exciting, entrancing thoughts.
At that moment, I felt as if this were the last night that I could spend with him."
And he began to whisper words without meaning, without hesitation.
The first that came to his mind, letting his heart bursting out, touching and kissing him.
Holding him tightly in his arms.
"I love you, Junmyeon."
Knowing that that night would pass quickly, devastating him.
"I love you too, Jongin-... I love you-..."
Like a wild and unstoppable tsunami of emotions, feelings.
That would never abandoned him.
Not even wanting it.
######the end######
*Quotes actually "stolen" from my secret diary, not part of this story originally. :)
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