I kept running.

And running.

Until I fell down on my knees.

My eyes are blurry. My knee is bleeding. My hair is dishevelled and my head is unclear. I quietly sobbed as I tried to get myself together. Can I really get myself together?

--

I managed to get home somehow. I filled the bath tub with warm water. A few minutes later, the tub is filled, I took off my clothes and dipped my feet in. It was too hot, but it didn’t matter. My scraped knee was hit with hot water. I flinched because it stings. But I don’t care. How could he do that to me? All I knew was loving him. Purely. He’s the best thing I know. He’s the only one I cared about. He’s all I have. What would I do? Cry? Laugh? Go mad? Quit my job?

After some disheartening thoughts I fell asleep. I woke up. In my bed. I don’t know when I got here. Maybe I was too exhausted to remember when I got out of the tub.

There was a note on my bedside table. It was his handwriting.

“I took you out of the tub, you were shivering. I am sorry. For everything.”

That’s what the note says. I don’t know what to feel or how to react. There was too much going on. Too much questions. Why didn’t he come to talk to me? Why didn’t he explain?

Then suddenly the whole scene flashed back in my mind. I felt nothing. No tears are coming down. As much as I want to know what’s his reason, I could not seem to careless anymore. He broke my heart. But I’m not strong enough for a revenge. I am not strong enough to come to him and scream to his face why did he do this to me. I am weak. I hate myself for falling head over heels for him. I hated myself for getting used to his presence.  But I know, deep down, that at back of my mind I wanted to know why. But I guess I’m just not strong enough to face the reality, yet.

A month has passed. I heard nothing. He’s officially back in the office. I haven’t removed his/our photos together on my desk, since I myself was barely in the office. I did a lot of fieldwork along with Taecyeon. Nobody in the office knew what happened. He looked me in the eye as he sat down on his desk opposite to mine. I always knew this day would come, but I haven’t thought of a single scenario of what could possibly happen. This could’ve taken several ways but I don’t have any expectations. I buried myself to work, I dedicated my time to art until I barely got time for myself. I have forgotten to eat, I cannot sleep. I lost so much weight this last month. I look worse than I could possibly ever imagine. But how could I notice? I was barely in my head myself.

Then it hit me.

This is possibly why he didn’t want me. I could not even take care of myself. I was too clingy. I have no self-confidence. I dress like a 13-year-old undergoing puberty and is currently in an awkward phase crushing on some really popular senior. Who would want someone like me?

My thoughts were broken when Mr. Park slammed another pile of drawings in my desk. Donghae and I started this project a year ago but was postponed because of his absence. Now he’s back, and I have to work with him. Great.

--

Everyone went on lunch. It was me and him again, like before. But this time it’s different. There was an unbearable silence on our floor.

“Aren’t you going to ask me what happened?” He finally broke the silence. He’s always the first one to say something. He can’t take awkward moments like this. I knew he’ll say something.

“Do I want to know? Would it make me feel any better?  The fact that you did not contact me for the last month made it clear. You don’t want me.” There. I said it. For the first time since I saw him with Tiffany, I finally felt something. “I don’t think there’s any explanation to this Hae. You cheated. You didn’t even trie to apologise. When you came to my house that day I guess you were just there to take your stuffs but you felt bad for me so you didn’t. You wanted something I can hold on to so you can see me hurting while you’re moving on with Tiffany, who’s way better than me by the way. She dresses better than me, she’s prettier than me, probably smarter too. You’re too good for me Hae. Whatever happens, I cannot compete with someone like her. Never in this reality I can be a match to her. She’s too good, and so are you.”

I didn’t know where that came from. I guess this is what happens when you bottle up so many things in, and then after sometime, you just lose it in front of the person you’re the angriest with.

“Jessi, she kissed me! She offered me a deal I could not reject! I didn’t know she was going to do that! I didn’t contact you because I know we’ll need space. But Jess, I realised where I went wrong. I didn’t realise I distanced myself too much, and it’s taking tolls on both of us, physically and mentally. I loved you so much it hurts a lot. I tried to focus on what I’m doing, on the seminar. I didn’t know what’s happened to you. Until I saw you today, you look like a zombie Jessi. I realised what I’ve done. I finally realised that I should have talked to you. I should have apologised. But Jess that time all I wanted was what she offered me. That big lot near the beach where you said you wanted to build a house we designed together. I tried to console myself that I’m doing this for you! For us! But today I realised it doesn’t matter if I have it but I don’t have you. I’m going end that deal with Tiffany. If that’s what will bring us back to what we were before.”

He said it. I can see sincerity in his b eyes. He got me there. His pleading eyes are asking me for forgiveness. But I can’t. He just taught me how to live without him. Did he really think it was going to be that easy? Does he really think I am that easy? I might be, before. All these time I heard nothing from him, I realised he taught me how to be me. To finally be independent. I might have not realised it before but now I know I am not weak. I might have shifted myself away from the real problem and buried myself with work but I know I was finally dependent. I don’t need him.

I DON’T NEED HIM.

NOT ANYMORE.

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Hello guys, I have too much time and you might not even remember me but I am back. I'm trying to be active here again but I might do it just after my uni exams. Also, my priority right now will be my old graphics shop. I'll post about it when I get the time to redecorate the shop but if you're here reading thanks and comment something!