viii. give me love

it wasn’t too far from the mark. the women have full racks, all bursting, and lots of pity to go around. their outfits range from provocative to tacky, and the bright lights, the hotel rooms, the everything, cringe inwardly at the thought of love. it’s a traditional business. the es are not necessarily catty and the pimps aren’t always the bastards in the purple shoes with the rolex watches.

“what? i’m hungry,” this one, Tiffany, they call her, is teetered a little to the wild side. a bombshell mix of y and pretty and just too adorable. the way she crosses her legs says she shouldn’t be messed with. on the rattan chair, she looks like a queen on her throne.

the blinds are shut, and only some light slants through the gaps, creating a lovely mood.

“what’s your name?”

“tiffany.”

“well, tiffany, i’m jessica.”

“am i supposed to smile at you?”

“no, but it is appreciated and,” jessica pauses thoughtfully, “very much obliged.”

“i don’t think there’s a point after you’ve seen how i look like in bed,” tiffany says through slurping and a half-full-mouth.

jessica runs her hands across the blanket. “it can’t hurt.”

no, it probably can’t. jessica has seen the freckles on her left shoulder, the tan lines, the creases from a diet gone wrong, the neatly tucked –

tiffany cradles her cup ramen and peers at jessica. “if i do that, would you let me eat quietly?”

“i’ll take you out for breakfast. how does that sound?”

tiffany looks back to her instant breakfast. it’s not the best thing, definitely not the healthiest. besides, what are the chances that jessica is some sick psycho or a murderer? but then if she were, tiffany probably wouldn’t have woken up this morning at all. tiffany’s been at the receiving end of lots of things. maybe she should get a new job that didn’t rely too much on deprived strangers. she’s getting too old for this.

but as of now, tiffany swings her legs off the chair and mumbles, “let me go shower first.”

jessica’s lips quirk into a smile. she slips off the bed, the blanket falling off her. the light hits the curve of her hip and almost seems to explode into a million glass shards. her skin is long stretches of refined goods, like leather. so tight and taut.

tiffany pretends to look away and bites the inside of her cheek.

jessica’s hair is knotted at the ends but who cares. she could have been bald for all tiffany cared. tiffany squeezes her bare thighs together.

“i have a better suggestion,” jessica’s voice is soft and pressing tiffany in all the right places. it seems impossible to refuse. “why not we continue in the shower?”

~+~

tiffany doesn’t believe in sappy romances. she is, however, an avid fan of romantic comedies. but she doesn’t like to believe in the concept of a happily ever after. not really. not when the bills pile high and the electricity gets cut off too often for her liking.

“so, tiffany,” tiffany grimaces, she doesn’t like jessica’s tone. “what are you?”

tiffany bites uneasily into a croissant. “what is this, an interrogation?”

jessica laughs freely, her hand snagging tiffany’s as she brings it down onto the table. the surface of the coffee breaks out in ripples. the laughter puts tiffany’s nerves to ease.

“i’m just curious about what you do, tiffany.”

“i’m a part-time student, part-time e, with all the odd jobs strung along the way.”

“i see. that’s interesting.”

“and what are you?”

“i’m a freelance writer.”

“writer, huh?” tiffany sips the coffee. “what do you write about?”

“i don’t know yet,” jessica shakes her head, smiling like she knew a secret tiffany doesn’t. “but i’ll let you know when i do.”

tiffany is uncomfortable towards jessica’s inquiries about her personal life, but the laughter that usually follows and that she so generously slips from her lips puts tiffany’s mind in a helpless state. it’d be rude not to answer.

jessica is an attractive woman, there’s no doubting it. her body, however short, is compact and tight with lean muscle and a small universe of flesh.

her eyes are sharp in the way they look at tiffany, almost careless in the way they dart all over the café. her hands are always trying in some way to touch tiffany’s, perhaps an occasional brush against tiffany’s knuckles, a lingering finger down the back of tiffany’s hand. it seems like jessica is the touchy type.

tiffany doesn’t mind. not at all.

jessica pays for the both of them while tiffany promises to wait outside where the sky has taken a light hue. she checks her messages while waiting, overlooking a few work-related messages to find the few really meant for her.

in actuality, there is no reason to wait. tiffany had only meant to stay for breakfast. anything else is beyond work, and hence she is not obliged to stay by jessica anymore. her time was up.

“shall we go?” tiffany turns to see jessica folding the receipt into her back pocket, nodding towards a dense street.

tiffany looks at the hand jessica offers her. jessica’s lips curve into a reassuring smile. she restates her stand by moving her hand closer.

“coming?”

tiffany looks back at her phone, then at jessica, then slides her phone shut. she takes the outstretched fingers in hers and immediately, jessica’s smiles grows wider.

“where are we going?”

“to get lost.”

~+~

being with jessica is so much more fun that tiffany would have thought it’d be. similarly, they are impulsive, stubborn, wild and possibly even bordering on insane. jessica has a young spirit, a tact for uncovering the unknown. tiffany finds it difficult to keep up sometimes. it’s almost impossible to understand what goes on in her mind at times.

they get lost in a crowd of tourists and nameless faces, walking for the fun of it. further up the street, some performers are performing tricks and magical illusions. it’s a place that clears tiffany’s mind. she doesn’t mind getting lost among the crowd.

“try some,” jessica spears a raspberry with a toothpick and holds it out for tiffany.

tiffany, reluctant, stares at the fruit dumbly. “huh?”

“open that mouth of yours,” jessica chuckles, and when tiffany does so, she shoves the raspberry into tiffany’s awaiting mouth.

tiffany’s face contorts when the fruit bursts into different kinds of sweet and sour on her tongue. it tastes a little like jessica.

“good, right?” jessica chirps happily, watching tiffany’s face closely.

“yeah.”

of course tiffany won’t say how the raspberry tastes like jessica’s lust last night. isn’t this what it is? lust?

“hey, jessica,” tiffany tugs on her sleeve.

up ahead, jessica glances back over her shoulder, eyebrows raised in question. “yeah?”

“i think – i think i have to go.”

“oh,” jessica’s eyes are mildly surprised, and it surprises tiffany as well. they look disappointed. “can i drive you home then?”

tiffany smiles at that. there’s no harm in it. and it cuts down the transportation cost. she hates taking the train in shabby and shady clothes as well. not that she gave a  about what other people thought of her, but the certain stares and whispers get tiring too.

“sure,” she says, “you can do that.”

~+~

if tiffany doesn’t know better, she would've been upset to see her lover strewn across the couch, snoring.

she drops her bag somewhere on the floor and kicks off her heels, breathing a sigh of relief at the discomfort. heels are the ‘uniform’ at the brothel, and she had a hard time adjusting and walking on them, but she manages. like she always has.

she folds her legs next to the couch, leaning in to kiss the unconscious girl. the girl doesn’t move, too deep in sleep to notice. the taste of her lips are dry, tender, but not sweet. tiffany waits to see if she might get a response. but obviously not. the girl must have been tired from working overtime. things don’t get cheaper and that’s all they’ve ever known.

“yoona,” she whispers, just for the sake of it. “yoona.”

then tiffany gets up and clears the food wrappers and empty plastic bottles on the table. looking back at the leftovers of the chinese takeout, she wonders if she should start learning how to cook.

but that can wait. all she needs now is a little time to herself. maybe a hot shower, maybe a book she’s been wanting to finish all week, maybe a warm glass of milk. just to keep her mind off the way jessica’s eyes follow her up to her apartment and the folded receipt with jessica’s number on it (jessica had given it to her before she could leave the car. call me, the scribbling read).

~+~

the is easy to deal with. she can just get yoona to forget all the sinful fretting fingers on her skin from the night before. yoona happens to leave a burning trail after everything she does, and that has never come in handy unless it was to burn away all traces, all marks her clients have left on her skin.

yoona likes to close her eyes whenever she makes love to tiffany. she prefers to. tiffany used to think it was because her body wasn’t as perfect as yoona had wanted it to be. but yoona claimed that wasn’t it, because tiffany’s body is perfect as it is. when tiffany took to starving herself and nearly collapsed at school, it was yoona who went to collect her and took care of her. she did get scolded for being stupid but that came later. it wasn’t till much later that tiffany realised yoona didn’t want to see the marks left by people who didn’t care.

“yoona,” tiffany sighs.

yoona wiggles out from in between her legs and slides up next to tiffany, taking deep breathes, looking flushed when tiffany pulls her in for a much-deserved kiss.

“you got ier,” yoona laughs breathlessly, when they break away.

“i’m a natural charmer.”

“whatever, miss narcissist.”

“i have a reason to be.”

she decides then that being with yoona is the happiest she’ll ever be. this is the closest to a happily-ever-after that she’ll get. and she intends to keep it.

“if you get up to switch off the lamp, i’ll go harder next time,” yoona grins, shifting closer to get comfortable. tiffany whines at the bargain, her feet already warming up against yoona’s.

“that’s not fair.”

“it is. i made you come thrice and your feet are cold.”

“i never asked you to.”

“i turned it off the last time!”

tiffany laughs again, then repeats: “i never asked you to.”

“but tiff, it’s cold out there!”

“more reasons why i should stay in bed.”

“jesus.”

it is yoona who gets up to turn off the lamps, tiffany who welcomes yoona back into her arms like a hero coming back from war. whenever yoona’s cold toes brush against tiffany’s feet, she squeals and jerks away, only to be pulled closer, the humming of yoona’s laughter giving away the amusement she feels. yoona presses her lips onto the divide between tiffany’s collarbones, while tiffany’s arms curl around yoona’s head.

being with yoona, tiffany feels like a high school girl again.

~+~

tiffany is touching up on her make-up when taeyeon barges in, cheeks heated from the drinks she’s had. she sways and staggers so hard tiffany has to get her to sit down for a breather. tiffany meticulously fixes taeyeon’s hair and clothes, a split seam somewhere, a strand out of place here.

“someone’s looking for you,” taeyeon grins sleepily, barely coherent at all.

when she begins to hiccup dangerously, each spasm jolting her tiny body, tiffany says seriously to taeyeon, “stay here. i’ll go get water for you.”

she finds a bottle of water somewhere in her bag and cracks open the cap, giving it to taeyeon to drink. the water dribbles down taeyeon’s chin onto the red couch underneath them. tiffany’ll have to clean that up later. then the door opens and sunny steps in, eyes apathetic as always.

“hey, tiff, someone’s looking for you,” she says and takes the bottle from tiffany’s hand, wiping taeyeon’s face with a tissue. “oh dear.” she sighs at taeyeon. “i’ll take her from here. thanks.”

the ‘no problem’ is lost on tiffany’s lips as she nods and slips out quickly to avoid seeing anything she shouldn’t see.

maybe she should go the washroom for a bit. she hasn’t finished fixing her make-up when taeyeon came in. she just needed to fix a little smudge.

her heels are extremely uncomfortable today, much more than the last. they’re an old worn pair yoona bought for to celebrate her first paycheck. it was supposed to be, according to yoona, a ‘symbol for independent ladies’. at the washroom, however, a familiar voice startles her and she almost falls back into the door.

“i thought you would be easier to find.”

“oh my god,” tiffany glares at jessica, then walking past her to the sinks. “you scared me.”

“did I really?” jessica only sounds amused. she follows tiffany to the sinks, carefully observing how tiffany dabs and swipes at her make-up.

“yeah. what’re you here for?”

“i said it before, didn’t i?” jessica turns and closes her hip to the counter next to tiffany’s occupied sink. she crosses her arms. “i came to find you.”

tiffany touches out her heavy lashes and jessica glances from the side, yearning to touch them. tiffany smacks her lips, checking her reflection in the mirror. “what do you want me for?”

jessica’s eyes scan the ceiling, then drops to the obscene sharpie drawings next to the toilet bowl in a stall. “how vulgar,” she says absently.

“were you expecting a high-class toilet with automatic toilet bowl seats that warm you up?”

jessica hears the defensive tone tiffany’s voice has taken and hides a smile down her side. “that’s what i came for. i want you,” her lips are already at tiffany’s neck, skimming up and down roughly, kissing tiffany’s earlobe and then the base of her neck, “to warm me up.”

tiffany can’t help the gasp that escapes her lips. she turns away from the cheshire-like grin with shameful eyes.

“i’m working,” she says weakly.

but jessica’s lips don’t stop moving. instead, they become gentler, subtler. and tiffany feels all weird and jittery inside. “I know,” she murmurs.

“jessica—” she struggles to be free, but jessica’s hands have moved lower, teasing and toying somewhat affectionately. tiffany never thought that could be possible.

jessica’s hand is at the waistband of tiffany’s . tiffany knows what is to come. “just let me—”

“no,” tiffany’s eyes flatten. she swats jessica’s hand away. her voice isn’t firm enough, and jessica has already slipped past her defenses. she can’t think of anything with jessica so closely by. “no, jessica.”

“no? not here? not ever?”

tiffany looks carefully in the mirror, which prompts jessica to eventually look at their reflection too. jessica’s arm is around tiffany’s neck, grasping her shoulder. tiffany’s hands are gripping the edge of the counter and her lip is in. jessica’s chest is heaving against her back. jessica’s eyes are dangerously black, and in them, tiffany’s senses are slowly eroding.

tiffany grunts and swivels in jessica’s arms, “not here.”

jessica looks relieved, kissing tiffany’s brow, which tiffany finds weird and too personal. jessica also laces their fingers together. it might even be tiffany’s mistake to let her.

“follow me,” jessica whispers.

it magnetises tiffany. jessica’s body looks like its glowing. it’s probably the lighting but whatever, she could probably give off sparks in bed too. it doesn’t feel like tiffany could walk straight anymore, and whatever jessica has her under, tiffany thinks it must be some pretty good .

they end up in jessica’s car in the back parking lot. it’s rather empty, just a few homeless people who don’t know which to look at, jessica or tiffany. jessica seats tiffany in the back, a four-seater toyota, and climbs over her.

“i’ve always wanted to try it in the car,” jessica admits, but her eyes remain at tiffany’s face.

tiffany only barely breathes, “people are watching.”

jessica’s smile is wry when she leans down and her dark eyes are all tiffany sees for miles and miles. “they won’t know what hit them.”

~+~

“tired?”

a cup of warmed milk is placed in front of her. her head is on the textbook, imprints of yellow highlights on her other cheekbone. her thighs are sore and her back aching. the last session with jessica made her appreciate how comfortable beds are. yoona’s thumb eases along her shoulder blade, pressing hard that tiffany lets out a groan. satisfied, yoona goes to sit across her, brightly smiling.

“yeah,” tiffany mumbles, without looking up.

“maybe you should take a break.”

tiffany’s head slowly rises. the first thing she realises is that yoona’s white cardigan is translucent; the second is that yoona is underneath it. the girl probably doesn’t mean to be. . it’s only morning, after all.

“huh?”

“i mean, a break from your job. focus more on your studies.”

“can’t,” tiffany grimaces, unwinding her arm from herself and wrapping her fingers around the glass. “bills. rental. bills.”

“i can take care of it. it’ll be a little tight, though. but that’s how you like it, right?”

tiffany only nods blearily, too tired to deal with whatever yoona implied. yoona looks disappointed at the lack of reaction.

“did you even hear what i said?” yoona prods at tiffany’s arm gently.

“you know, yoona, let me go and take a nap first. i’ll come back so we can discuss this later,” tiffany finishes her milk, gives yoona a long, sloppy kiss, and drags her bedroom slippers to the bedroom. yoona tastes milk on her lips and around them, and gets up to join tiffany in the bedroom too.

~+~

jessica tires tiffany out. she comes often for tiffany, and the others are happy that she finally managed to land a ‘regular customer’, but tiffany’s not sure how she feels about that. yoona obviously doesn’t know about her. tiffany won’t tell her either – she doesn’t know how.

“it’s just business, right?” she panted when jessica laid her body on tiffany’s.

“just business.”

but the prominent marks jessica leaves behind are another business on their own entirely.

“she insulted me,” yuri seethes one day, surging into their ‘prep’ room and slamming the door behind her.

tiffany, who is replying yoona’s text on her phone, looks up immediately. taeyeon’s head snaps up from her magazine on the couch. yuri is pacing the room, some kind of quiet anger surrounding her. yuri is a sweet and seductive kitten, the gem of the brothel.

tiffany mouths, “who?” to taeyeon.

taeyeon shrugs.

“who insulted you?” taeyeon asks, frowning. she has known yuri longer than tiffany has and she knows only specific buttons, if pressed in the wrong ways, will get yuri sensitive and upset.

“your damn bloody jessica,” yuri looks at tiffany, but strangely, she isn’t glaring. just that her eyes are sharper and larger than usual.

“jessica? what did she do?”

“i had with her and she said she preferred you over me. that i was okay.”

tiffany finds herself rushing to defend jessica, just because she’s convinced she knows jessica. “she probably didn’t mean it. she says a lot of things she doesn’t mean.”

“she gave me a ing grade, tiffany.”

“okay, that’s harsh,” taeyeon inputs from the corner.

“i didn’t get the A, so you must be the model student,” yuri continues.

“she’s stupid, and blunt, and impulsive. so maybe if you tried again—”

“to hell with her. just take care of yourself, tiffany,” yuri spits and leaves. tiffany feels heavy, like she’s done something she shouldn’t have.

taeyeon gives her a smile, putting the magazine down. tiffany returns a weaker one of her own.

“she’ll come around,” taeyeon says. “yuri has a quick temper but it usually doesn’t last long. she’s rash. don’t worry about it.”

like water putting out a fire, taeyeon’s words might be right, but it barely did anything to change how tiffany felt.

~+~

“ah, the one who gave yuri the C,” taeyeon smiles, putting out her hand for jessica to shake.

jessica takes it. “the C? i’m not sure what you mean…”

“nevermind that,” tiffany intercepts, clearly a touchy subject for her. “did you come for the usual?”

“i came for you,” jessica says straightforwardly, unwavering.

taeyeon’s eyes widen and she in a large breath, almost like she’s gasping at the scandalous act. tiffany blanches, flushes and hits jessica hard on the shoulder.

“c’mon shakespear,” tiffany drags jessica along, ashamed, “you’ll be doing lots of poetry tonight.”

~+~

“you’ve been pretty tired recently. is something stressing you out?”

no. no, not really. maybe yes. yes. yes really.

tiffany stares at yoona blankly. “hmm? no, it’s been fine.”

“are you sure? you’ve been sleeping a lot nowadays,” yoona flips through the channels on the television.

“yeah. natural body clock.”

“oh. okay.”

yoona is quiet, which is unlike her. she’s probably thinking, the way she plays with her fingers like that. tiffany nudges yoona with her foot, wanting to be let in on her thoughts.

“hey, tiff, do you want to—tonight, maybe we can—i mean, it’s totally okay if you don’t want to—”

tiffany laughs heartily. a small twinge of guilt forcing her to put her arms around yoona. “of course we can.”

yoona looks worried. “really? you’re tired and all, so—”

“i’m always fine when it comes to .”

“okay,” yoona slides an arm down tiffany’s back.

tiffany realises too late that the small twinge of guilt shouldn’t even be there.

~+~

with jessica is addictive. jessica feels like the lighter to tiffany’s gasoline. she doesn’t bring up the matter about yuri anymore, feeling strange about it. occasionally, she does think of yoona, but it goes away when she reminds herself that it’s—

purely business.

late at night, when tiffany is making lazy up and down jessica’s arm, overlooking jessica scribbling something onto the hotel memo pad, the television making soft, muted sounds, tiffany asks, “you never really told me what it was you’re writing about.”

jessica grins, leaning down to kiss her. “something.”

“it’s not something to be ashamed of.”

“i’m not ashamed.”

“okay,” tiffany yawns, defeated. she turns onto her back and closes her eyes, trying to sleep.

what seems like minutes later, when tiffany is nearing sleep, jessica turns off the lamp and fits tiffany closer into her.

~+~

“don’t let things get too personal,” taeyeon warns tiffany every time before she leaves with jessica.

she can’t tell the difference between the last time taeyeon said it and the next.

~+~

it’s not cheating, right?

~+~

jessica finds tiffany in a bar uptown (courtesy of yuri), hideously drunk but still horribly pretty. she’s a bundle of contradictions jessica would like to keep. when jessica drives them to a nearby hotel, tiffany starts talking weird, so loudly the receptionist glares at them.

“are we gonna have again?”

“no, tiff,” jessica grunts to pull tiffany’s damned heels off.

“but why not? we always have it. on the bed, on the floor, in the car…”

“tiff, you’re drunk.”

tiffany chokes on some laughter. “well, duh.”

jessica looks incredulously at tiffany.

“yoona always makes me warm milk when i’m drunk!”

“…yoona?”

~+~

jessica calls her weeks after. tiffany swears she heard a girl moan in the back. a roar of running water and slight echoing of voice tells tiffany that jessica’s in the toilet.

“hurry jessi baby!”the girl screams and jessica yells something back.

“i thought you were single,” jessica says, and it is infuriating that her voice is so calm because tiffany can’t tell what she’s thinking.

“not everyone in this business is single, jessica.”

“well, i thought you were.”

“does that change anything?”

“yes, it does, actually. a lot.”

tiffany falters, broiling over the words. what does that mean? “you can’t actually mean—you’re saying that—”

“it wasn’t purely , yes.”

“jessica. it doesn’t work that way. i love—”

“yoona, yes. i know.”

both ends are quiet. tiffany doesn’t know what to say; jessica doubts anything she says makes a difference anyway.

“i—i really liked you,” jessica says softly.

“jess!” the girl is wailing now, desperate.

but jessica ignores her.

“so is this goodbye then?”

“yeah, i guess so.”

“did you at least feel something?” jessica sounds a little hopeful, and tiffany can’t lie. jessica’s been so honest with her that it would be wrong to lie.

“i felt you,” her voice sounds like she’s so close to crying. it makes jessica sputter a desolate laugh. “and you were so gentle with me. i—i had to rethink this whole thing just for you. but i want yoona.”

“i was expecting that.”

“yeah.”

an awkward pause.

“bye.”

“bye.”

the line hung dead.

~+~

years later, a girl-turned-woman, grips a book tightly in her hand. an engagement ring glitters on her finger. bought from the hard-earned money of what felt like a thousand paychecks.

“did you read it?”

“yes, i did.”

“how was it? did you like it?”

“you were rambling, shakespear. pages and chapters and paragraphs of it.”

“my one true failure.”

“it’s not something to be ashamed of.”

“i’m not ashamed.”

—ジュリエット