Minseok is usually not a violent person. For the most part, he's patient and calm, and he rarely loses his temper because he finds it pointless to get worked up over insignificant matters. However, being woken up in the middle of the night is enough to make him want to punch whoever has decided to call him at this ungodly hour right in the gut. He groans as he grapples blindly for his phone in the darkness, quieting down only when he finds the device, and he answers with a gruff, grumpy: “It's three am. What do you want?”

At the other end of the line is silence and nothing but it. Frowning, Minseok checks the screen again to make sure he's not just imagining things, but no, there is most definitely an active call. He puts the phone back to his ear, ready to address the person who called him. Just as he's about to do that, though, there is a sound. A wet sniffle. “S-sorry,” the person at the other end mutters. Minseok recognizes the voice immediately. It's Jongin, a kid Minseok has been having counseling sessions with for the past few months at the high school he works at, and he sounds... “I'm sorry I woke you up, hyung.” He sounds so unlike himself. Something's wrong. “I'll just...”

“Are you okay?” Minseok asks, and he finds his answer right away in the way Jongin's breathing trembles. Minseok sits up in his bed. Something's definitely wrong. “Where are you? Are you hurt? Do you need help?” He waits anxiously for Jongin to reply, heart pounding with fear.

“No, I'm... C-can I come up?”

“Up?” Minseok echoes.

“I'm outside. Out-... outside your place, right now, I'm... , I'm sorry, I didn't know where else to go, I...” A glance out the window tells Minseok that it's raining. Quite heavily, at that. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come. Sorry.”

“Jongin, it's fine.” Halfway stumbling out of bed, Minseok grabs the nearest pair of pants from the floor, and he has to jump on one leg to put them on while still holding the phone against his ear. “Don't worry about it,” he says quickly. “Please come inside. Please.”

The feeling that something isn't right is only amplified when Minseok sees Jongin. Minseok is waiting in the doorway when Jongin comes trudging up the stairs, and he can tell just by the sight of Jongin that he's upset, seeming so small even though he's actually larger than Minseok. He has his arms wrapped tight around his own body, hugging himself as if he's afraid he's going to fall apart if he's doesn't, and the wetness on his cheeks doesn't seem to be just from the rain – at least not if his red eyes is anything to go by.

On top of everything, he's shivering, almost violently so, which is why Minseok doesn't make a big deal out of asking all the curious questions that have been piling up in his head, waiting to bubble over. He just places a gentle hand at the small of Jongin's back and guides him into the apartment to the sound of Jongin's never-ending apologies spoken through chattering teeth: “I'm really s-sorry to wake-wake you up like... like this.”

“I already told you not to worry about it.” Minseok makes Jongin sit down on the couch, and Jongin collapses like he's physically unable to stay upright any longer. And then he sits there, eyes wide and bloodshot. He looks like he's been to hell and back. Minseok doesn't like it. “You stay right where you are, I'll go get you something to get you all nice and warm, yeah?” He takes Jongin's faint nod as a positive reply and leaves the room.

With towel-dried hair, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a cup of tea held precariously between his hands, Jongin looks less like a drowned rat and more like the upset teenage boy he really is. Slowly, Minseok sits next to Jongin, treating him like a skittish animal. Even though Jongin must be warm by now, he's still shivering enough for him to have trouble drinking without spilling it all over himself. It's obvious that something is very wrong, and Minseok can't stop himself from wondering what happened to make Jongin behave this way, but he still keeps his questions to himself and instead just sits there and waits until Jongin is ready to talk without prompting.

It happens after a long time with nothing but raindrops slamming against the windows and Jongin's sporadic wet sniffles to break the silence. Then Jongin draws in a breath, long and shuddery. “I told them,” he whispers. His voice is as unsteady as his hands.

“Hm?” Minseok leans closer. “What did you say?”

“I told them,” Jongin repeats. “My parents, I told them about...” He trails off into a whine and goes quiet again, as if he can't get the words out.

Despite the fact that Jongin didn't manage to finish his sentence, Minseok knows exactly what he's referring to. He also knows that he's the only person other than Jongin's best friend who is in on Jongin's secret, which means he's one of the only people capable of helping Jongin right now. It's probably a bad thing that he has no idea what to do. “And... and how did they react?”

He regrets asking when Jongin's face scrunches up like he's going to cry again. “They kicked me out,” he whispers, squeezing his eyes shut, and, to be honest, Minseok had kind of known that before Jongin even said it. From the things Jongin has told him during their sessions, Minseok knew fully well that his parents wouldn't be very accepting, but even if he did know, he still feels nauseous. “They-they said they don't want a living in their house.”

Minseok doesn't know what to say. What can you say to a kid whose parents made him leave simply because he just so happens to prefer his own over the opposite? “I'm really sorry,” is all he manages to get out. It seems so stupid, and he knows it's definitely not going to make Jongin feel any better. All he wants is for Jongin to stop being sad. “Your parents probably just need some time to cool down and digest the information, you know? They'll probably come around.”

Jongin laughs, but it's too bitter to feel like a good thing. “You didn't see my dad when I told them. I have never seen him look so disappointed.” He pulls his long legs up so he can rest his chin on top of them. “He thinks this happened because I dance, and he blamed my mom for raising me like a girl. He looked...” Jongin inhales shakily and lowers his head so the words are muttered into his knees when he whispers: “He looked like he wished I wasn't his son.”

Once more Minseok is at a loss for words, years worth of counseling flying right out the window at the sight of Jongin's crying face. “I'm sure he doesn't,” he says as he reaches out to gently Jongin's back. It still feels so lackluster. He has been trained for this, he has been trained to help and to give advice and stay collected in situations like this. So why does he feel like crying too?

Under the palm of his hand, Minseok can feel Jongin's heartbeat and the vibrations of his voice when he says: “I can't go back there. Please don't make me go.”

“I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want.”

“So... can I... stay h-here?”

Minseok sighs, and he feels much older than his age. He knows he shouldn't say yes, that he shouldn't let Jongin stay, but he can't bring himself to turn him down either, not when he's looking at Minseok the way he is. Not when he seems so broken. He has nowhere to go. “For the night, at least,” Minseok relents. “We'll figure something out tomorrow.”

Jongin sniffles, rubs his red eyes again. “Thank you, hyung.”

It's strange how long it has taken for Minseok to feel self-conscious. Maybe it's because he was still half asleep when he let Jongin in and too distracted to worry about his appearance and the state of his apartment. Now, however, he feels so very unattractive in his rumpled sleep-clothes and messy hair, and he feels inexplicably nervous as he takes Jongin to his bedroom. “Well, this is my room,” Minseok says, pulling at the hem of his shirt. Jongin is scanning the surroundings with obvious curiosity. It makes Minseok uneasy. “You can sleep here tonight.”

“Where are you going to sleep, then?”

“The couch is pretty comfortable,” Minseok says with a small smile and a flippant hand gesture in the direction of the living room. Jongin's lips press into a thin line. “It's late. You should get some rest.” Minseok motions to leave, but he is stopped by Jongin's hand on his arm, and he turns back around to shoots him a questioning look.

Jongin is chewing on his lower lip now, looking pensive. “The bed's big enough for both of us,” he finally says, shrugging. Even though it's obvious that he's trying to come off casual, Minseok can see tension in the clench of his jaw, and the way his eyes flicker clearly betrays his anxiousness. “We can share. You know?” He shrugs again, like it's no big deal.

It is a big deal, though. Minseok swallows. “I... I really don't think that's a good idea,” he says, and it tastes a lot like a lie. Jongin's face falls. When he lets go of Minseok, Minseok immediately takes a step backwards, increasing the distance between them just to be safe (mostly from himself). “Goodnight, Jongin.” He walks out of there before he has the chance to change his mind. He makes sure not to look back.

The living room is dark and it seems so cold. Minseok sighs tiredly as he sprawls out on the couch, grabbing the blanket Jongin abandoned to pull it over himself. He only has a couple of hours left before he needs to get up and get ready for work, and he knows tomorrow is going to be nothing short of a nightmare with how little sleep he's going to be operating on, but even though he's exhausted, he doesn't feel like sleeping anymore. He feels guilty, partially about not being able to help Jongin more than he did, but mostly because...

Again, Minseok lets out a sigh, running a hand over his face. No. He promised himself not to entertain those thoughts. He has tried so hard not to think about that, and he's not going to break down now. Rolling over to face the back of the couch, he squeezes his eyes shut and tries to force the inappropriate thoughts out of his head as he waits for sleep to overcome him.

Morning comes far too fast. When the alarm goes off at six am, Minseok is tempted to just turn it off and go right back to sleep. Unfortunately he's far too responsible to do something like that. There are people who depend on him, and he has no good excuse not to show up, so he drags himself off the couch and heads for the bathroom.

Getting a clean set of clothes to wear after his morning shower means going into the bedroom, and Minseok feels weirdly apprehensive as he stands in front of the closed door. He even considers the idea of knocking for a moment before deciding that that's ridiculous, it's his room, his home. He shouldn't be required to knock. Still, he tries to be as quiet as possible as he enters the room.

Jongin is still asleep, but he doesn't look very peaceful. Instead he's frowning, lips downturned and eyebrows pulled together, and he's tossing and turning like he's stuck in a bad dream. Minseok ignores the fact that he's wearing nothing but the towel wrapped around his waist as he crosses the floor and sits on the edge of the bed to brush Jongin's bangs away from his face, running gentle fingers through his hair until he stops thrashing. Jongin pouts in his sleep. “Please,” he whimpers. A tear escapes the corner of his eye, trickles down his temple and seeps into the pillow.

“It's okay,” Minseok whispers. “You're okay. Hyung is here. Don't worry.” Jongin exhales a sigh and his expression softens, worried furrows smoothing out. He looks a lot calmer now. He looks cute, so cute, and Minseok is forced to fight back the sudden urge to lean down and press his lips to Jongin's forehead. That's a boundary he shouldn't cross. He quickly gets up, grabs his outfit for the day and leaves the room, opting to let Jongin sleep in.

In the kitchen, Minseok checks the cupboards to make sure he has something for Jongin to eat when he wakes up. He knows he restocked the shelves recently, but he still leaves a few thousand won on the counter along with a note encouraging Jongin to feed himself and directions to the nearest grocery store just in case Jongin needs anything. Once everything is taken care of Minseok leaves for work, even though he is reluctant to leave Jongin like this.

It proves to be extremely hard for Minseok to concentrate when all he can think about is Jongin. Not only does he worry about whether or not Jongin is alright and how to put a smile on his face, his mind also travels back to memories of the first time Jongin walked into his office, bordering on hostile and obviously not happy with having to be there.

Minseok recalls how Jongin's wall of insecurity and fear had slowly been knocked down with each session they had, how he had opened up more and more, how he had eventually admitted with trembling limbs and stuttered words that he liked boys, how he had broken into tears of relief when Minseok told him that it was okay and that it wouldn't make him think of him any differently (who was he to judge when he liked boys as well?). Minseok also recalls the first time Jongin's shy smile had made his heart skip a beat. That was when he knew for sure he was in trouble.

Sighing, Minseok runs a hand over his face. He's been doing that a lot lately, especially ever since Jongin decided to make his life terrible – although it probably wasn't a conscious decision on Jongin's part as much as it was a cry for attention from Minseok's neglected libido (Jongin in a tanktop is dangerous). Minseok groans as he drops his head onto the desk. He's way too old for puppy love and raging hormones.

There's a knock on the door and one of Minseok's colleagues, Joonmyun, is standing there with the kind of rigid smile that tells Minseok that they're about to have a Serious Conversation. “Hey, buddy, how's it hanging?” he says brightly, and Minseok sighs again.

“You don't have to pretend, I know you're not here for smalltalk.”

“Okay okay, you got me.” Joonmyun's smile fades as he drops his facade. “I'm here because, well... I wanted to know if everything is alright with you. You seem a little out of it today.” He lets out a short, hollow laugh. “Yixing even commented on it, and you know it's bad when he notices.”

Minseok chews on his lip in thought. Should he tell Joonmyun about what's going on? Maybe everything would be easier if he had someone to confide in, maybe Joonmyun would know how to fix the problem at hand. “Close the door?” Minseok requests. Joonmyun does as he's told, and then walks across the floor to sit on the chair opposite from Minseok, who takes a deep breath. “One of my kids came to my place late last night. He was very upset.”

“Upset about what?”

“Something that had happened at his house. Personal matters.” It's not Minseok's secret to share so he doesn't. “I let him spend the night.” Joonmyun frowns at this, disapproving, so Minseok is quick to add: “We slept separately, of course. He got the bed, I took the couch.” This makes Joonmyun look at little more complacent, and he nods for Minseok to go on. “He's still at my place right now, and I... I'm so worried about him. I don't know what to do.”

Joonmyun spends a while thinking in silence. Then he stands. “Go home,” he says.

“What?”

“If this kid came to you, it's because he needs you,” Joonmyun says. “So go home and take care of him. I'll tell everyone else that you got sick or something.”

Minseok gawks. He didn't expect that. Especially not from Kim Joonmyun, who's basically the spokesperson for perfect attendance. “Thank you,” Minseok finally manages to get out.

There is lingering worry in the corners of Joonmyun's smile. “It's no big deal,” he says nonetheless. “Now go.”

The money lies untouched on the kitchen counter when Minseok comes home even though he can tell the note has been read (he had made sure to fold it and put it down meticulously, but now it's haphazardly tossed onto the melamine surface). Minseok breathes out, cheeks expanding with air. At least Jongin actually left the bedroom. That's a plus, he supposes.

Everything is so quiet. Minseok wonders if Jongin went back to bed, or maybe he left the apartment altogether. The thought makes Minseok upset for just a moment, but only until he notices the lump of person curled up on the couch. It's embarrassing how the discovery makes his heart jump with joy, and he shakes off the unwanted thoughts and approaches with cautious steps, assuming that Jongin is asleep.

He isn't. He's staring at the wall across from him, clutching a blanket in his arms, and he doesn't even react when Minseok crouches down next to the couch, which makes Minseok more worried than anything. “Hey,” he says. Jongin's only response is a faint hum, and Minseok's lips twitch. 'How are you feeling?' seems like such a redundant question to ask when Jongin looks like he's been crying for the majority of the day. “Have you eaten?” Minseok asks instead.

Jongin's dry lips stick together when he parts them to reply with a mumbled: “No.”

“You should eat.” Minseok puts his hand on Jongin's shoulder, rubbing it gently, comfortingly. “I'll make you something, if you want. Would you like that?”

For the first time since Minseok got home, Jongin lifts his red eyes to look at him. “No,” he says again. “Can you just... just stay with me? F-for a while?” His voice sounds so small, as if he's scared Minseok would actually reject him.

But Minseok doesn't. Of course he doesn't. “Sure,” he says, and he sits down fully on the floor to keep his legs from cramping. Jongin's eyes move back to focus on the wall. It's almost scary how apathetic he looks now, despondent. Like he has given up. Minseok gulps. “You should really eat something. Starving yourself isn't healthy.”

“What's the point? It's a waste when I don't want to be alive.”

Minseok feels queasy. His heart is pounding so heart he's sure his ribs are going to shatter from the force of it. “P-please don't say stuff like that,” he whispers, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible even though he most of all wants to yell at Jongin for even thinking that thought.

“It's the truth.” Jongin, however, sounds completely calm. “Why would I want to stay alive when I have nothing to live for, anyway? Everybody hates me.”

“I don't.”

Jongin's eyes flicker up to bore into Minseok's, and he asks, voice laced with skepticism: “Why?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why don't you hate me? There's nothing good about me. I'm a mistake. I'm wrong.”

Minseok's hand quivers slightly as he moves it up to run his fingers through Jongin's hair. “You're not a mistake,” he says after weighing his words. “You're smart. I know you could get amazing grades if you tried a little harder. You're funny without realizing it. You're talented, I've seen you dancing, and...” He pauses. He doesn't know if he should go on. This is getting close to crossing the border between platonic and something more, something dangerous, but Jongin is looking at him with so much hope and pleading in his eyes, and Minseok just... “You're cute, you know? Especially when you sleep. And... you're handsome, very much so, I...” Minseok gulps. It's hard not to squirm when Jongin's gaze is so intense. “Yeah. I definitely don't hate you.”

It happens so fast and so unexpectedly that Minseok doesn't actually realize it's happening until Jongin has already pulled away and all that remains is the phantom feeling of Jongin's plush mouth against Minseok's own to serve as evidence of what just took place. Jongin kissed him. Jongin leaned in and pressed their lips together, just like that. Slowly, disbelievingly, Minseok raises a hand to touch the pads of his fingers to his mouth. Jongin kissed him.

Now, Jongin is staring at Minseok, wide-eyed but with decisiveness and recklessness in the set of his clenched jaw. It's obvious that he's waiting for Minseok to make the next move, and Minseok knows that said next move should be letting Jongin down easy, telling him that he's really sorry but the feeling isn't mutual. Except that would be a blatant lie. In fact, Minseok has been wanting to kiss Jongin for a long time.

Which is most likely also the reason why his body acts before his mind has the chance to reiterate how terrible an idea this is. Minseok finds himself moving forward to press Jongin into the couch. The strangled noise emitted from the back of Jongin's throat when their lips meld together has Minseok's toes curling, and he wonders why he has never done this before.

Minseok is well on his way to slipping his tongue into Jongin's mouth before his mind finally catches up to scream at him how bad this is, and Minseok panics. He removes the hand Jongin has curled around the back of his neck to stand as quickly as his unsteady legs allow. Jongin sits up abruptly, alarmed. “What's wrong?” His hair is a mess from the work of Minseok's wandering hands, his lips red and puffy, and his voice breathy.

“This,” Minseok grits out hoarsely. He gestures between them. “This is wrong.” Jongin looks wounded when he reaches out for Minseok and Minseok stumbles backwards to get away. “No, I... I shouldn't be taking advantage of you. You don't really want this, you just want the affection. You don't want me.” He doesn't know if he's trying to convince himself or Jongin. It would be so easy to give in to Jongin's hungry eyes.

For a long time, Jongin just stares at him, silent. “Remember when I was angry?” he finally asks. “I was... so angry. All the time.” Minseok nods, he does remember. It was why Jongin was sent to have sessions with him in the first place. “Remember when I told you why I was angry?”

“Yeah.” Minseok remembers that too.

“I figured it out, you know,” Jongin said, and Minseok looked up from the notes he was jotting down on his lined notepad.

“Oh?” Minseok leaned back in his chair, leather creaking. “Do you want to talk about it?” Jongin picked at his lips. His knee was bouncing. Minseok recognized all the signs of anxiety and said calmly: “You don't have to, if you don't want to.”

Jongin ignored him, and, after a few more thoughtful moments, he said: “I realized I'm always the most angry when my friends talk about their girlfriends.”

“So you're jealous,” Minseok guessed, eyebrows shooting upwards when Jongin shook his head.

“No, that's not... well, in a way I guess I'm... sort of, but not...” He trailed off, uncertain, and Minseok waited patiently for him to go on, even though his heart was pounding like crazy. He was at the cusp of a great breakthrough here, he could feel it. It took a while for Jongin to gather himself, but once he did, he took a deep breath, and, looking Minseok right in the eye despite his usual problems with eye contact, he whispered: “I... I think I might... not like girls?” And Minseok had understood what he meant without need for elaboration.

“I remember,” Minseok says quietly. He remembers most of all because of how hard it had been for him to suppress the urge to kiss Jongin when he was sobbing into his neck.

There's a smile on Jongin's face now, almost wry. “Did you never wonder how I found out that I'm... that I like b-boys?” It's still visibly hard for him to admit it out loud.

“There's always something. A point of clarity.” For Minseok it had been in his second year of high school when he realized that the odd glimpse of his soccer captain's body in the shower did more for him than having his girlfriend's in his face while she rode him. He had broken up with her shortly after that. “I figured you had a crush on someone.”

The intense look in Jongin's eyes makes Minseok clench his fists tightly. He's pretty sure he can tell where this is going already, and he's not sure if he likes it. His common sense is telling him no, that it's wrong, Jongin is too young, he's in high school, don't do this, Minseok. On the other hand, his heart is slamming into his chest so roughly, Minseok is worried it's going to break right through so Jongin can see how hard it beats for him.

This time Minseok doesn't shy away when Jongin reaches out for him. He finds that he really likes the way Jongin's fingers fit between the spaces of his. “It's you,” Jongin says, not surprisingly, and still, Minseok has to gasp for air. Jongin's cheeks are red. He's blushing. He looks so cute that Minseok just wants to push him back and kiss his breath away. “Hyung... if... if you don't like me, you can just say so, but...” He looks cheeky now. “I think you do. Am I right?”

Minseok sighs. “You're going to be the death of me, kid.” He doesn't say anything else. Instead he places one knee on the couch and a hand on each of Jongin's shoulders to support himself as he leans in to kiss Jongin again, feeling faint at the sound of Jongin's pleased moan. A startled noise is yelped into Jongin's mouth when Jongin grabs Minseok's other leg to pull him fully into his lap so he's straddling Jongin's thigh, and Minseok would huff out his dislike for being manhandled like this, but he gets lost in Jongin's eager kisses and decides to let it go this time. “I just want you to know that I still think this is really wrong,” Minseok says once Jongin allows him time to breathe.

Jongin lets out a little breathless laugh that makes Minseok's stomach give a dangerous swoop. “That's okay, I...” He pauses mid-sentence when Minseok kisses him once more. “I'm wrong too, you know. We can just be wrong together.” Minseok thinks he can definitely learn to live with that.

At least Jongin is smiling again.

~*~

A/N: hello, ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad you've graced me with your presence. 8D here is some lovely xiukai for all of you to enjoy, yeah? this is yet another idea that has been with me for a really long time, and then at some point I just decided to write it. I never meant for it to end up being 4600 words, but here we are. the title is taken from/inspired by lyrics from the song "lindsay quit lollygagging" by chiodos. because I love chiodos. I also love xiukai. that is all.

quick announcement: today is the official start of my summer break. for the next six weeks I don't have to go to school. 8D I have also decided that I am going to go on a summer break from posting stories, which, of course, includes this oneshot collection. I will still be here, I just won't be posting anything. I would appreciate it if you guys all stayed, but feel free to unsubscribe if you don't feel like waiting around for new stuff. for those of you who decide to stay: see your lovely faces in august!

last but definitely not least, I would like to thank
lotusk - krazyk - greenrocky3 - mishaelrose - cy-angel - midnightmare - smircedwithink - karrot - monkeysweekend - pawsinyourface - arashi_oneday - haruharu_haruka - kpopchibi - kimkimpuff66 - leeharachiyoko - silentheart - atitanum - margaloopsy - viveca609 - imissyouuuu - katiawu - ringdingcrotch
for upvoting. I know it sounds generic and that I say it all the time, but it really means a lot to me. ;;