Said I'm so sick of love songs

So tired of tears

So done with wishing

She was still here

Said I'm so sick of love songs

So sad and slow

Why can't I turn off the radio?

(Why can't I turn off the radio?)

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Yunho found himself stood in the dark, unable to see anything in his surroundings. He squinted his eyes in confusion, but the darkness enveloped everything perfectly and he failed to recognize anything around him.

“Hello? Is there anybody here?” he shouted after trying to walk around in the dark for a while and found nothing. Even the surface under his shoes felt smooth without any bump whatsoever. The situation was quite creepy, and fear started to crept in his mind. He couldn’t get stuck here in the dark for all eternity, without any chance to see Changmin, his parents, his sister, his dog Taepoong…

Without any chance too see him again.

And then, just when he had about to gave up roaming around in the dark, a faint light started to glow somewhere to his right. Yunho ran to the source of light, ignoring the ache in his muscles as his heart was filled with a hope for warmth, sound, anything but the emptiness surrounding him. He ran for quite a while, and realized that the light came from a red telephone booth. He slowed down as he got close to the booth, feeling an old memory played in his mind.

“…could it be?” he whispered.

And then he saw him, standing beside the booth. The raven-haired male stared expessionless at him for some moments while Yunho studied his features. Jaejoong was thin, his face sharper and more angled than when he’d left Yunho. His black outfit contrasted with his glowing pale skin that was nearly transluscent under the soft light. His face was etched with lines of sorrow and weariness.

This was the present-day Jaejoong, he realized as he remembered the pictures that he had found in the internet. Pictures of his other half, that he had stared at for hours in his sleepness nights.

Jaejoong slowly smiled at him, and Yunho realized just how much he longed to see that smile again. He stepped slowly to get closer to his other half and reached out to touch him. But the sadness in Jaejoong’s eyes sent a wave of fear to his heart, and Yunho started to run as the image of his Jaejoong started to fade.

“No! No, please don’t leave me again Jaejoongie!” he yelled as he reached to touch Jaejoong’s face, only to grab the mist that was left by his shadow.

Yunho broke down on the ground beside the red phone booth, sobbing uncontrollably for his missing lover.

“I’m sorry Jaejoongie…I’m sorry, for everything,” he choked. “Forgive me for making you choose between me and your life freedom. Just…please come back to me.”

“Please come back,” Yunho whispered repeatedly as the light from the booth slowly getting dimmer and finally went completely out, leaving Yunho alone in the void.

+++

“Hyung, are you all right?” Changmin asked him, not even bothering to mask his concern anymore.

“No worries Minnie, I’m fine,” Yunho answered him with a smile. It had been a week since he first had the disturbing dream, and it always came back to him every night from then on. Yunho named it “the void” dream in his mind, cursing it everytime he woke up in the dead of night with cold sweat and racing heart. But a part of him embraced the dream, because it gave him a chance to meet Jaejoong, even if only for some seconds. Even if it was only a shadow, an echo of Yunho’s own imagination…

“You’re spacing out again,” Changmin said with irritation. They were sitting alone in Changmin’s car, the maknae driving to Yunho’s apartment after finishing their schedule for the day. “Spill, hyung. What is wrong that you spent the whole week acting like a walking dead?”

“I’m just being normal,” Yunho answered, forcing himself to smile. “Aren’t you the one that always call me a zombie?”

“Yes, but you’re acting even more dead than usual, you spaced out during interviews and recording sessions! Don’t insult me hyung, how long do you think we’ve known each other? I know that you have something burdening your mind,” Changmin said, and Yunho could feel genuine concern behind his irritation.

“It has something to do with him, isn’t it?” Changmin said with a sigh after Yunho’s silent. It was the first time he talked about Jaejoong in front of Yunho for years.

Yunho kept his silence, confirming Changmin’s guess.

“Have you ever thought of seeing him again, hyung?” Changmin asked carefully.

“I can’t, Minnie. The management…”

“Oh, screw the management!” Changmin cut him off. “I’ve had enough of them trying to dictate our life. We’re human beings, for heaven’s sake! We have rights to see whoever we want.”

“Did you regret staying with me, Minnie?” Yunho asked in a low voice. He had pondered over that question for a long time. And guilt had gnawed at his heart everytime Yunho remember that he was the only reason Changmin stayed at SME. Changmin refused to leave him, and he had stayed beside Yunho at the cost of his own freedom.

Changmin rolled his eyes at his question. “Don’t be even dumber than you already are hyung. I never regret my choice to stay with you, I’ll follow you wherever you decided to go. But I’ve had enough of you torturing yourself doing what you think is right, just because you’re a man of principle!”

“What do you want me to do, Minnie?” Yunho asked with a sigh. “Yes, I want to see him. I regret everything that had happened between us, and I’d love to beg for his forgiveness for forcing him to choose between me and his life. But if I do that, SME will attack us with all it’s wrath. I’m not going to be the only one they punished, and I can’t let them hurt you!”

Changmin stopped his car in the basement of Yunho’s apartment. “As much as I’m glad that you mind me that much hyung, I don’t like to be a hindrance for your happiness. You can only live this life once, you know?”

“But Minnie…” Yunho started to argue, but Changmin cut him off with his hands.

“Just think of my words hyung. I want you to be happy, just as much as you want me to be happy. And believe me, I won’t be happy seeing you as a walking dead for all the rest of my life.”

+++

Yunho found himself in the dark empty void once again. But somehow, he felt a sense of foreboding instead of the usual excitement that came before he met Jaejoong in his dream.

“Jaejoongie?” he called. He started to seach blindly in the dark for his other half while kept on shouting his name, his heart full of fear that he couldn’t explain.

And then Yunho found him. Jaejoong was standing with his back facing him, his body glowed in ethereal beauty. As Yunho ran closer to his angel, he realized that Jaejoong was standing a little higher on the ground as if he was on a platform of some kind. Somehow, the thought unnerved him more and Yunho ran faster to reach Jaejoong…before everything is too late.

When he was just a few steps away from Jaejoong, Yunho could hear him sob. The light had shined brighter, and Yunho realized that Jaejoong was standing on a railing.

“I’m sorry Yunho. Goodbye,” Jaejoong whispered with a sigh before letting his body fell forward.

“No, NOOOOOOO!!!!!!” Yunho screamed as he watched his lover, his other half, fall deeper and deeper into the abyss, disappearing into the darkness and leaving Yunho alone in the void for all eternity.

+++

“Are you sure you don’t want us to sleep over hyung?” Junsu asked as they gathered near the front door. Junsu and Yoochun had just spent the evening at Jaejoong’s apartment after finishing their schedule for the day. Jaejoong had cooked for them, and the two didn’t give any comment when he cooked for 7 people out of habit.

Four servings for four normal people, three servings for a maknae with a bottomless pit as a stomach, Yoochun thought silently and smiled at the fond memories.

“Yah, what are you smiling at?” Junsu asked, giving Yoochun a weird look.

“Your large duckbutt,” Yoochun blurted, sending Junsu into a series of angry fit.

Jaejoong smiled at his two dongsaengs antics. His lover had used to scold them for disturbing the peace of the dorm with their bantering every night when they were still together.

“Come on guys, it’s late. You need to go home as soon as possible and rest,” Jaejoong said with fondness. “And don’t forget to put the food in the fridge once you’re home.”

Jaejoong had given the leftover from their dinner for his dongsaengs, which they accepted gladly. Jaejoong’s cooking skill hadn’t diminished at all through the years, and his sisters even said that he got better at it.

“OK hyung, good night. We’ll see you again tomorrow,” Junsu said before opening the front door and stepped out.

“Drive safely,” Jaejoong said to Yoochun before he got out on Junsu’s tail.

“I will hyung, don’t worry,” he assured with a smile before closing the door, leaving Jaejoong alone with his own thoughts for company.

Jaejoong sighed and decided to take a warm bath before sleep.

+++

The day before, an international website had released an article that questioned Jaejoong’s uality, stating that he was “too beautiful to be straight” and commenting on his closeness with some men “most notably with his ex-bandmate Jung Yunho”. The rumors spread like wild fire, and the fans started to got engaged in warfare. One side claimed that he really was a homoual and the world should accept him for who he was, while the other side claimed that the rumors was nothing more but the fantasy of some delusional fangirls.

Jaejoong had laughed out loud when he read the article, wondering if the journalist ever considered that he was gay only for one Jung Yunho, and the other way around. Yoochun and Junsu had been there with him, and Jaejoong noticed their concerned looks.

“Why are you laughing hyung?” Yoochun asked him.

“Nothing,” Jaejoong answered with a smile.

His dongsaengs watched him closely since then, and Jaejoong couldn’t blame them. He really does have a self-destructive tendency afterall when he was under too much pressure. And thus, they stayed over at his place the night before and spent the evening together again this evening. He must had given them favourable impression tonight, because they didn’t push to have another guys-sleeping-over session.

Why was it so hard for the world to accept that a male could love another male in a romantic way? It was love afterall, and wasn’t love always better than hate?

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