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“Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really do is cry.”

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock indicating that it’s already time for me to get up and prepare myself for school but instead of giving in quickly, I just continued to lie on my bed and just simply stared at the ceiling still contemplating on whether to get up or just lay here for the whole day.

 I don’t feel like going to school. We all have our moments like that right? But I have a valid reason for acting a lazy brat today, the reason probably won’t be that much acceptable to my school counselor and even my Mom but I guess it will, for you guys who had and is experiencing the same thing, a teenager thing, like me at the moment.

I’m heartbroken.

I got my heart crushed so hard last night I don’t even know how on earth I got myself home. Exaggerating yeah? But that’s the truth.  All I did was cry after she left me on that waiting shed.

Alone…

Helpless…

Broken.

I couldn’t blame anyone. I couldn’t blame her either. Why?

..cause we’re not together.

Not even a bit of being together. We have nothing. We share nothing but the friendship.

We’re just friends and being JUST friends ! It always like that. No need for a better explanation.

She didn’t intend to hurt me that way I’m pretty sure about that but I ‘m just…I just couldn’t help not to feel utterly hurt. That’s all I felt last night.

It was and will always be my fault. I don’t even know if she knew how I feel for her and to be honest, right now the last thing I want is for her to know about it. What happened last night was enough for me to back off. Back myself away from MORE pain I’m experiencing right now.

Flashback:

I was already busy packing my school stuffs because the class had just ended when I received a text message from my friend Sooyoung, telling me to wait for her at the waiting shed near the school gate. I gave her an “Okay” as a quick reply then I headed out of the room and went to the shed she’s telling me to go to.

There’s not much student lurking around that time so I took a quick seat at the place then fished my phone out of the bag. I smiled after seeing the wallpaper, it’s me and her, we took it on her birthday a month ago. She kept on telling me that it was nice and we’re both cute so I made it as my wallpaper.

Well even if she didn’t tell me how cute we were together, I already know. I always think about what’s gonna happen if we’re OFFICALLY together. Pretty sure we’ll be the cutest couple, even our friends teases us about that a lot. And yeah, you probably know by now that me, Im Yoona is in love with my best friend, Choi Sooyoung.

I’ve been always in love with her ever since we met, you can say that I got it at first sight cause honestly Sooyoung’s just utterly beautiful. What I love the most about her is that she’s always smiling. I even planned on confessing to her real soon,

I know I’m risking our friendship here but what can I do? I just have to let her know and maybe, just maybe out of luck she feel the same way right?

I chuckled after remembering the plan then I made a quick scan through my playlist so I have something to listen to while waiting for her. Without much hesitation, I pressed the first song on it and just put it on a shuffle so it’s not boring. You wouldn’t know what song will play next and oftentimes I even played by myself guessing what will be the next song.

The playlist was on the fourth song when I saw her walking towards me, smiling. I quickly stand up and smiled back at her without removing the earphone from my ear.

“Did you wait that long?” she asked me concernedly. I shook my head then sat up again on the bench.

“No. I just arrived here probably 5 minutes or so. Shall we go home now or-“

“- we’ll stay here in a few. I’m kinda waiting for someone. Well I need to introduce you to someone.” She looked at me meaningfully then sat beside me.

“Oh okay then. So how’s your class?”

I opened a conversation just to kill time while waiting for that someone.

“Hmm. Same old, same class. HAHA! How about yours?”

I was about to answer her when he quickly bolted up from her seat and ran towards someone, some girl..a pretty girl that I’m very much familiar with. She’s our school muse, Tiffany, Hwang Tiffany. But why her? I mean why did she act like that? Is there somethi- NO! I don’t want to think of any thing at that moment, so I shifted my attention to the song that was playing on my phone. I also didn’t look at them so I didn’t notice that they’re both standing in front of me.

“Hi Yoona!” Tiffany, greeted me enthusiastically then shifted her eyes on my best friend, Sooyoung who’s grinning widely from ear to ear.

What the hell is happening here? How did she know my name?

I was so dumb to think of the possible and obvious reason at that time so I just answered her a timid “Hi” back. I looked at my best friend shortly after who’s still smiling. I was so focused at looking at her that I didn’t notice their intertwined hands, good thing, FCK is that even a good thing? Sooyoung held their hands upwards then smiled widely again at me.

NO! IT CAN’T BE!

“Best friend! Me and Tiffany. Official. Finally.”

There! It hit me!

My best friend whom I love dearly is already with someone. Is already in love with someone.

I was trying to process everything, trying to find the reason why they ended up together when it’s supposed to be me. WITH HER.

SOOYOUNG. MY YOUNGIE. AND. I. TOGETHER.

It’s supposed to be like that. And not with anyone, other than the both of us. What happened? Where did I go wrong? When did I lose her like that? Why her? How am I supposed to answer that blunt confession coming from her.

Can’t I just hug her instead so she’ll know how I feel for her? Or a kiss? Should I just kiss her and pour out everything on that? Even if I kiss her, will she kiss me back? Or should I just tell her how madly in love I am with her?

No.

She won’t do anything.

She won’t kiss you back since she already have someone to give her kisses to.

And she of course, won’t be telling I love you too back since she already have someone to give her I love you’s to.

And the saddest part of it all is the fact that that someone isn’t and won’t be YOU, Im Yoona.

It won’t be me when it’s supposed to be me. It should be me.

Then can I just cry instead? I can cry right? Let me just cry then.

“Yoong?”

I got my senses back when I heard her called out my name. I ran and hugged her tight. She obviously got shocked with the hug but quickly enveloped me in her arms after.

God. If I only knew that her hug can be this sweet then I could have confessed to her before.

As much as I want to stay much longer, I can’t. Her arms already belong to someone else.

I gently tapped her back then released myself from the hug.

“Congratulations!” I told them both. “Yah! How come I didn’t know about you liking Tiffany huh? Can’t believe you really!” I pretended to sniff, not quite pretending since I’m pretty sure it will fall anytime soon, the tears so I need to make this quick so she won’t see it fall.

I can’t let her see the fall, my fall.

“I’m happy for you. For the both of you. Really.”

I’m not pretty sure if I gave that justice through my voice but she smiled at me so I guess I did. I looked at Tiffany, her girlfriend. I smiled to myself bitterly and quickly changed it to a sweet smile for her.. She smiled back at me then intertwined their hands together.

Do I still have to see that?

“Let’s go home now? I think that’s already enough for the introduction.” Sooyoung looked at me still smiling.

“No, I guess you two both can head home. I forgot to bring my notes so I think I need to go back to the room.” I quickly cut her off.

“I’ll come with you then.”

“No it’s okay. You should bring Tiffany home then I’ll see you tomorrow.” I playfully used my hands to shoo her away. “Now , go. Bye Tiffany. It was really nice meeting you. If she did something wrong just call me then we can punish her both. Okay?” I winked at her then she just nodded and smiled at me. I heard her Sooyoung scoffed but said nothing.

“Okay then, be careful. Text me when you got home alright? Bye best friend!”

“Yeah sure. Bye.”

The moment I saw them out of the gate, that’s when I let the tears fall uncontrollably. It flowed a lot I never realize I have that much tears stocked in my eyes. I didn’t even bother wiping it. I was still holding my phone and I could see that the case was kind of wet already.

I didn’t know how long I’ve been there crying, I just notice that it’s already quite dark and I don’t see any students anymore. The guard who’s in shift was busy checking something. I simply wiped my face with the back of my hands then prepare myself to leave the school. I saw the guard near the gate and greeted him goodbye before walking out.

End of Flashback:

I didn’t notice that I’ve been crying again after remembering what happened. I’m such a fool. I’m such a loser. Fool and loser in love. I lost her even before I can have her but who exactly did I lose? She’s not even mine for the taking in the first place.

Yeah, you just really can’t lose what you never had.

KRIIIIING.

“I was startled when I heard my phone ringing. I reached out for it then quickly wiped my tears before answering.

“Hello?”

“Best friend! You didn’t leave a message last night. Did you get home safe?” my bestfriend’s concerned voice can be heard from the other line. I was busy thinking about the pain she left me last night that I forgot to text her like what I promised.

“Oh yeah that, I’m sorry. I forgot.”

“It’s fine. Let’s walk to school together. I’ll fetch you.” I scrunched up my eyebrow hearing what she just said.

“How about Tiffany?”

“She’ll go to school early.”

“Then go with her to school early so you won’t be late.”

“Naah. It’s fine. I wanna go with you.

“Okay then. I’ll just prepare.”

“Okay. See you later.”

“Yeah.”

I sighed after I hang up.

I know, I already lost to be that someone to be with her but I won’t let myself lose a friend just because of that stupid feeling. She didn’t deserve it if I’ll distance myself.

It was my fault.

Everything was my fault.

I like just being friends with you, if it means that I’ll be by your side.

I don’t even want to forget you cause you’re my most important friend.

From now on when I’m by your side I’ll try to make myself see you only as a good friend.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

But I’ll still cherish you. As much as I like you..Sooyoung Choi.