TOP POV

My heart skips a beat when I saw the CD on my desk. I can feel Angel Jiyong looking at me closely, trying to spot any change in my expression which I am having a very hard time to keep up with. I know my expression betrayed me the first time I saw that CD but I have quickly change it back and I hope he might not have noticed. The CD alone is enough to make my heart clench in the most hurtful way there is. I don’t know how Angel Jiyong found the CD but I can’t ask him, I need to feign ignorance. There will be no good coming out from letting him know about anything.

I shrug and frown at Jiyong, ‘What’s that?’

‘You tell me.’ He looks at me straight in the eyes, determined for answers.

‘Oh, that person looks like Angel Daesung…’ I continue to act ignorant but before I can comment anymore Angel Jiyong cuts me.

‘Stop. He IS Daesung, I know it and you know it. Why else would you want Daesung out the moment you see what’s in my hand.’ Jiyong hissed.

‘Look, I am your boss and do not take that tone with me again. I am going to overlook you barging into my office and saying some nonsensical things but that’s it. I still have a lot to do and you need to get out of my office, now.’ I am trying my best to stay calm and not let him see through me.

He looks at me, staying root to the ground as if telling me he has no intention to leave.

‘Out.’ I ordered and look back at my documents while waiting to hear his footsteps going out.

 ‘I need to know. If Daesung can become an angel, I need to know how I can be a human.’ Jiyong said, instead of leaving.

‘You can’t.’ I reply flatly thinking this would end our conversation.

‘I am in love with Seungri.’ Jiyong said, softly.

I look up at him, to see if this is some kind of joke but he looks very serious on what he had said. No, he cannot fall in love with a human.

‘Do you even know what you are saying right now? I’ll pretend that I didn’t hear it.’

‘I am in love with Seungri’ he repeats.

‘Do not say of that word easily. I know you, you are always curious and wanting to try new stuff. Whatever you are feeling, it is not love.’ I pray inside me, hoping what I said about Angel Jiyong is right, that he is just curious and mistake whatever he is feeling as love.

‘I secretly went down to earth and met Seungri. We became friends and before I know it, before I can control it, I fell in love with him. He loves me too. I miss him now, and I miss him all the time. I’ll do anything to protect him, not just because I am his guardian angel but because I love him. I want to make him happy, I want us to be happy together and I am willing to sacrifice anything to be with him. I am willing to not be a guardian angel for him. I-‘

‘Jiyong…’ I stop him at that, I can’t hear it anymore. Angel Jiyong did fell in love. ‘You can’t fall in love with a human… that’s all I can tell you. Leave him now, it will be the best thing to do. For both of you.’

‘Why, why are you stopping me? I know it’s a rule but what else? Daesung can become an angel, why can’t I be a human? Please… help me.’ Jiyong begged and I can hear he is getting desperate.

‘Daesung and I were a couple, we loved each other.’ I confessed. I didn't want anyone to know about my past but only by telling him what happened can then Jiyong realise that I am right about him leaving Seungri. ‘You’re right, Daesung is D-lite. He was a human, a singer.’ I can feel a lump in my throat now.

‘What… I don’t understand. So you let him to become an angel? But he doesn’t seem to remember anything…’ Jiyong asked.

I walk towards my drawer, the drawer locked with my memories and took the box inside back to my desk. All the memories with Daesung kept inside, they are the only way I can explain everything to Jiyong.

‘This… is a box I treasured the most. It contains every bit of memory I have with Daesung which like you said, he doesn’t remember any of it. And like what you had, I have a CD of his inside here too.’ I take out the CD that’s inside, similar to the one Jiyong took.

‘Daesung… when he was a human he only focus on one thing, his dream as a singer.’ I continued when Jiyong kept his silence, digesting what I am showing to him. ‘He didn’t have any friends and as his guardian angel, I can see that he is lonely and that he needed support not only from his family but friends too. So, I decided to go down and be his friend and to experience earth’s life. Love… you don’t know when it happens but soon we became lovers from friends. We were so in love.’ I hate to use the past tense in this.

‘What happened…?’ Jiyong probed when I stop a while to compose myself because all I want to do now is break down and cry.

‘We were so happy…’ my heart squeezes again at the past tense. ‘We rented a small apartment and I continued to give him my support until one day… he finally made it. He is going to debut as a singer. It was the happiest moment of our life. He was thrilled and I am happy when he is. He gained a little fame after he debuted, his CDs sold out well and there were compliments of him.’ I smile a little at the thought of those times. ‘This is a picture we took the first time he went on stage. We looked blissful isn’t it?’ I show Jiyong the photo of me being piggyback by Daesung and he nods.

‘Because Daesung is famous, pictures of him and me were being spread. A fan of Daesung, she has a guardian angel too. Her moves are monitored by another guardian angel and she found out through her that I have a connection with Daesung. Soon, the higher authority were reported to and they banned me from going down any more. I was foolish, I didn’t want to listen and obey by their rules. I secretly sneak back down to meet Daesung but was caught again. Daesung didn’t know I was his guardian angel but they brought him back too. They made Daesung to make a choice, between living without me back on earth or living with me with no memories of the past anymore.’ I started sobbing uncontrollably; it is too hard to talk about it. It hurts so much inside it might kill me.

‘and he chose to be with you…’ Jiyong finished the story for me as I am still sobbing and shaking hysterically, taking in short breaths.

‘It’s all my fault! I told him to leave, to forget me and leave but he said he cannot live without me anyway…’ I broke down, I have kept all these inside me for so many years that talking about it now pushes all the emotions out. ‘He is supposed to be living his dreams now but he’s not, all because of me! They made it seem like he had died and made him an angel! I know they(the higher authority) want to torture me for breaking the rule. Everytime I look at Daesung, I am reminded of my mistake. Do you think I am always emotionless? No, it’s because only by making myself seem that way then can I keep myself from the pain I feel. The pain doesn't go away, every freaking day I have to deal with this pain inside me. Jiyong-ah… listen to me, leave Seungri. You are doing it for the both of you, for him. I don’t want you to live like me… yes I may have Daesung with me but he doesn’t loves me. It breaks my heart every day knowing that I'll never get the love back.’ My sobbing became milder but I am still tearing getting all the tears I have kept all these years out.

‘Do you get me? I have ruined Daesung’s life. Don’t be like me and ruin Seungri’s life.’ I said to Jiyong who now is also crying. I wait for him to speak.

‘I… I can’t… I just can’t leave…’ Jiyong chokes on his words.

‘You have to, don’t end up like me.’ I don't want to break a couple up but living like me should not Jiyong’s future.

‘But I love him…’

‘I love Daesung too but if I can go back in time, I’d leave him. I rather suffer myself, seeing him living his dream, living his life, than to have him forget about everything and be here with me. At least I will be consoled that one of us is happy. If you love that someone, you don’t have to be together. You will be happy seeing the other is living a good life.’ I reach out to pat Jiyong’s hand.

‘I love him…’ Jiyong keeps repeating and I leave him at it. I know it's hard to leave but it’s the right choice.