This winter was a cold winter. A really, really cold winter... Usually I would spend my holidays with some friends and family, but of course, it is lovely but a little bit too uptight for my taste, in a way. I just want to relax. I want to wear a really thick coat and lie outside in the snow at night and fall asleep knowing there will be someone there to wake me up. I want to taste snowflakes as I stroll around on Christmas Eve and unconsiously listen to the faint voices in lovely Christmas carols. I want to be warm but enjoy the cold at the same time. That's how I would describe a perfect Holiday.

My eyes were closed and I sat on a stool in my cafe with my head drooping and my mind wandering to places I did not recognize.

When was it... Oh, yes. It was Christmas Eve. I was supposed to close early that day, but nonetheless there were no one coming into the cafe anyways. I was also invited to some parties, one with family and the other with ten crazy people. To be honest, I actually do like parties. I still think the more the merrier and things along those lines. Rowdy is good; it brings a good time, but it is solitude, not loneliness that must be treasured. This year I felt like solitude. Therefore, I rejected their offers.

I ended up sitting in my room asking myself "why did I do this?". I was in my room with nothing to do while everyone else feasted and partied. No, I could not sit on the floor anymore. I grabbed my coat and pulled the sleeves onto my arms. I was going out. Doing what, I didn't know, but I wasn't staying here.

Solitude, not loneliness.

Thank goodness I piled on a scarf on my way out or else I would have been freezing. Even through the scarf I could still see my breaths forming clouds in the air.

It was late. Many stores were already closed, or have been closed since it was a holiday. There was a very small amount of cars on the street, but as I walked closer to the center of the city it got a little bit more crowded. Perhaps many people were going to eat out as well. Most of the stores that were still open at 8 o'clock in the evening on Christmas Eve were restaurants and bars. I wasn't very hungry.

Each step I took made me feel dreamier. I was wholly awake, but, nightdreaming.

Mixed with the dusty navy color of the night sky were fluorescent purples and pinks illuminating from behind a glass door. It was only a single door, but the outside was decorated very nicely and generously with two medium pots of evergreens, both adorned with ornaments and lit by Christmas lights. It was very alluring. I felt drawn to it, but the closer I got the closer I felt as if the door wasn't actually a glass door but some kind of portal which I will melt through and end up a completely different place I can call paradise for the night. I opened the door, grabbing onto the silver handle, and it was not a place through a portal, just another regular nightclub. There wasn't any music to be heard from the outside because upon entering, there is first a short hallway, and once the second door is opened, that's when the blasting music finally reaches your ears. It was brighter than before. I have only been to a nightclub once. Why was I even there? The could be dangerous. I mean, I was completely alone with no one here to support me if something happened. I don't know any club etiquettes or if such things even exists. One might think I go to bars and clubs quite often since I can take in a lot of alcohol but I'm not, I just buy beers home.

Someone suddenly grabbed my hand. The grip wasn't very strong and it soon loosened in order to put a wristband on me.

"Entrance fee is ten dollars; covers no drinks. We take the payment at the entrance as well." It was a lady. Her face was tilted downwards and the flashing lights were distorting her features so I couldn't get a good take at her appearance, but her voice sounded happy, just a little bit tired.

I handed her the money and walked straight to the bar. I had no interest in dancing or grinding under the heat against someone I didn't even know. Things like that have no appeal to me. I grabbed a seat and sat on it. The chair was a little wobbly but it was nothing too serious.

Someone suddenly grabbed my arm. The grip was stronger than the lady. I turned to look at the guy in the eyes and he had a concerned look on his face. Why?

"You were about to fall. Are you alright? Drank too much?"

What was he talking about? I wasn't falling at all. I was sitting straight in my chair with my bottoms completely rooted. Could I have been wrong?

"I haven't even ordered my first drink yet, but thank you."

As I spoke, he released his grip on me slowly. "Just take it slow, alright?"

I nodded in response and my eyes rolled to the sight of the colorful backdrop behind all the glassware and the liquor right in front of me. It was gorgeous. While I was busy admiring the sight a bartender walked in front of me to take my orders. At that moment I had no idea. What do people even order in bars? Don't they order these fancy cocktails? Is there a menu? Ah, forget it. It was Christmas Eve. There's only one Christmas Eve in an entire year, so why shouldn't there be something special to celebrate it?

"Something Christmas-y, if you guys have anything like that." I leaned my head on one of my hands, and my elbow rested upon the table. The bartender nodded softly in response and soon came back with a sparkling red concoction with a mint leaf stuck onto the rim. The rim was also sugury. I found it very fitting because it looked like sparkling snow, but too bad this year won't be a White Christmas. It also tasted delicious. I was afraid it was going to be minty, but it actually tasted a bit like apples. It felt so pleasant in my mouth and as it glided down my throat I felt my body warming up. It's quite comfotable like this. Solitude, not lonliness. I liked it.

I drank it slowly, and it ended up being the only drink I had that night because I was feeling a bit sluggish. I paid the money and tipped the kind bartender, then took my leave. As I stepped into the small hallway, there was a soft ringing still left in my ear, probably because of the booming music from the dance floor. I stopped in front of the portal-like glass door and squinted a little. It was... Snowing. Flurries, even. I was so happy. Snow is one of my favorite things, and possibly the best reason why I love winter so much. I pushed open the glass door and stepped outside then filled my lungs with winter air and it felt so refreshing. It smelled, or even tasted, like winter. The snowflakes also tasted of winter. Of the magic; of the holidays and the festivities. I gazed upwards and stared at the sky. The Christmas lights and snowflakes looked like stars and meteors. They were nebulas of different colors and with my eye I could see millions of light years away. I could see everything...

I turned my head down again but perhaps I moved too fast. I felt a sudden migrane, like a shock to my head. The cocktail tasted fine and no one touched my drink besides me. Perhaps I was just tired, although it's still not too far into the night. I rubbed my eyes but they remained blurry. Oh well, it's green light anyways. I took a few comfortable strides onto the street.

The ringing in my ears did not stop. Now there were rumblings, like the engines of some monster. It wouldn't stop rumbling.

A beep.

A continued beep.

A scream. Someone was calling my name. It's okay, I'm crossing the street right now. I'll be there in a second.

A screech, but not really. It sounded nicer, with a vibrato. Like someone playing the violin.

I looked to my left and there were two lights glaring at me.

Hey, why aren't you stopping? It's my green light.

Something happened and I caught a glimpse of the starry sky. It was so clear; I must have been up there myself. But then after that, there was nothing.

But...

It was supposed to be my green light.

It was mine.

My...

... Luhan.

Suddenly, I felt so lonely.

Suddenly, I couldn't feel anything.