“Yoona-ya are you okay?” My mother tried to get back my mind and everybody started to look at me with their worried expression.

I ended up to force my self to smile and lie to her. “N-ne omma, I’m okay” while I was totally messed up.

“You must be surprised to hear that, right?” My father added “Your brother said that he want to engaged to Jessica and they will marry soon and live in America”

“WHAT? YOU CAN’T!” I screamed, couldn’t control my feelings and my mind now. It was like both of them just exploded after my father finished his words.  

I didn’t know how hard my scream before but the others looked at me so weird. My parent’s expression showed me a question “What do you mean?”

I immediately got my self back.

“I- I mean congratulation Oppa and Jessica-ssi” I lied to them and I lied to my self. If I had a good reason to against it, I would never congrats them like that. But I knew I would never get any reason even I tried so hard to look for that.

I could only pretend to be happy in front of them when I wasn't. And I tried so hard to make a smile when I wanted to cry so hard. I held my feelings not to feel really hurt but the more I tried, my tears wanted to fall out. I didn’t want to be here again. I didn’t want to look at Donghae and Jessica’s face. I didn’t want to hear another sick truth. I didn’t want to feel more hurt, since it was already so hurt. I wanted to leave as soon as I could.

“I think I don’t feel well now, Omma. I want to go back to my room”

I didn’t know if my words just now could make them believe or not and I didn’t care if they felt weird because I suddenly not feel well after heard –for them- a good news. I just had to make them sure with my words or might be with a little acting?

My mom looked at me and suddenly surprised “Omo, are you sick? You suddenly look so pale Yoona”

I became their attention again and Donghae Oppa looked more worried than anyone else. So it was really true that I didn’t look very good. Well, I didn’t have to acting then.

“No, it’s ok… I just feel a little dizzy”

“Do I have to call a doctor for you?” My mother my hair and not less worried like my brother. I actually didn’t want to make them feel worried like that. I just didn’t want to be with all of you. I wished I could say the truth.

“No, no I don’t need it. I just need to rest now” I got up from my seat and began to walk away but suddenly lost my balance and wanted to fall, thankfully my father held me. But it wasn’t my acting, I truly couldn’t control my self. My mind was already gone and I couldn’t make my self straight. Knowing my brother wanted to marry her really made a big effect to my body. It completely hurt me.

“Yoong, do you need me to help you?” Donghae Oppa finally opened his mouth after so long and his expression looked so worried than before. He actually offered it very kindly but my heart felt so hurt when I heard his voice.

“No! I don’t need anything from you” I rejected him as I gritted my teeth as I looked at his eyes. I just poured my pain, my anger and my feelings towards him. That time I didn’t care about the other's opinions about my words which I just said to him. I just forced my self to strong and walk away from my current position. I immediately headed to my room as my tears began to fall.

I laid on my bed and buried my head in my pillow while I cried very hard as soon as I arrived in my room. I sobbed non stop that night. I would probably never stop these tears that I just held so long. And I didn’t know how long it would keep falling out. These tears were from my heart, my true feelings. And everything felt so hurt now. Honestly, I had never felt so much hurt inside my heart like this before. I didn’t know why it was so hurt but I just didn’t want my brother had to leave me and marry that girl. It really burned my heart. Even though I knew sooner or later he would marry a girl, but I couldn’t accept it. I wanted him to be mine!

But that is wrong Yoona   

Knok… knock!

I could hear someone just knocked my door but I ignored it as someone outside my room kept knocking. When that someone felt that I would never open it, I heard my door opened since I didn’t lock it. I knew someone just entered my room since I could hear the sound of the step which went closer to me. I didn’t know who, I just couldn’t find who, I was busy with myself to hold my sob not to sound so hard now. I didn’t want that someone knowing that I was crying because I knew he must be one of my families. But… I failed, I still cried so hard and I was sure that someone must be knew it.

I felt surprised when I could feel someone just laid his body beside me, hugged me, took my pillow away and place my head on his shoulder. I could feel a strong shoulder now, which made me assume it’s belong to man. So, it was only between my father or my brother. But the strong arm that hugging me now, the shirt that I could sneak a little and the scent that I smelled now weren’t belong to my father. It was his, my brother. Donghae.

Wasn’t he supposed to still there? What about Jessica if he was here? I couldn’t say anything or do anything. I wanted to tell him to go but I felt warm inside his hug. I felt calm. I could slowly stop my cries, it comforted me. He let me cried in his shoulder and started to my hair. And his hug, this feeling and this moment were still same. He used to do it like these when we were young, exactly when I cried so hard and couldn’t stop. He would be there for me. He would let me cry in his hug and he never cared if I wet his shirt because of my tears but he always succeed to make me stop crying.

But, it was a long long time ago. And I never expected when I had become a teenager I could experience it again or even thought once, that I would be in his hug like this in my current age. All I knew was just… it actually became more comfortable now.

His hug was really warm, his touch was really gentle and his breath was soothing my soul. We didn’t say anything until I fell asleep in his hold.

I almost forgot that last night I slept together with my brother. I surprised when I woke up and found my self still in his hug. I didn’t think that he would be here till morning and we still remained in our position. I didn’t want to get up because my eyes were probably getting very swollen now. I cried really hard that night, I didn’t even have a passion to go to school. I just wanted to sleep a whole day and got rid everything that my mind. I didn’t know if I still angry at him or not. I just want to… I don’t know, killed these feelings?

When I still laid and thought like that, Donghae oppa woke up and sat in my bed. I immediately threw away my head since I didn’t want him to see my swollen eyes.

“Yoong, are you feeling well now?”

Silence… I only nodded.

“Really…? Get up then, you have to go to school” he said to me in a tone that not so forcing and sounded lazy as well, probably because he just woke up from his sleep.

I ignored it.

I could see in my corner eyes that he got up from my bed and stood beside it. He looked at me and waited for me to get up as well.

“Yoong, you will be late if you don’t get up now” he softly told me.

I sighed. I should have said that I didn’t feeling well. He sounded so noisy now. I looked at him and showed my annoyed expression to him, still didn’t say anything.

“What? You want me to get you up?” he gave me one of his hand, wanted me to hold it so he could help me to get up “Let’s go”

But I ignored it, again and I made my self up without his help and out from my room and then I could hear him released a big sigh. Well, I couldn’t help that I was still angry at him.

Then I prepared my self to go to school altough I wanted to skip it so much because I really needed to clear my mind. But then I saw Donghae Oppa sat on sofa in the living room and looked already neat. He must be waited for me, wanted to take me to school as usual. 

So before he offered it to me, I rejected first.

“You don’t have to, because I don’t want to” I didn’t want to be with him, so much.

“You have to…!” my mother said from behind me, I didn’t know how could she get my mind. “You will be late if you don’t go with your brother, Yoona” her words and her expression forced me. And so, I have to accept it.

I groaned. I felt so irritated and walked first before my brother, he followed me behind. I immediately rode his black sedan Mercedest and took the backseat in the car. He then came in and immediately fastened his seat belt. Before he started the engine he looked at me from the driver’s rear mirror.

“Fasten your seat belt Yoong”

I didn’t mind him and so with him, he didn’t start the engine and just looked at me with his stare that looked so angry now. His eyes probably said to me to follow his words before.

“Aisssshh” I grumbled so much because of his action and immediately fastened my seat belt. I just didn’t want him to keep looking at me like that.

Then, he started the car and drove it so fast, so I couldn’t be late.

I was only focusing my eyes to the scenery outside, it didn’t seem like I enjoyed the scenery but I forced my self to. I didn’t play my handphone like I usually did when I was with him in the car, because these fellings weren’t the same like I wanted to avoid him or ignore him. It was different now and I couldn’t still tell what it was. It seemed like I hate him but it wasn't same like the way I hate him before. I was just angry at him about his “things” with Jessica. What was it then?

“I thought you didn’t hate me”

His words distracted my mind.

“I don’t” I answered without taking my gazes away from the view outside the window.

“Yes you do”

“I said, I don’t”

“Then why did you behave like that?”

I startled, finally tearing my gaze off the scenery outside. I stared at his eyes which looked at me through the driver’s rear view mirror “What behave you mean? Oppa”

“You’re different now”

I didn’t mind his words. May be I did different, but I didn’t want to give my time to explain everything to him right now. And may be he didn’t have to know it. Silence again between us because I didn’t allow my self to talk to him again, but the silence only until we reached my school when he started the conversation again before I went out.

“Listen Yoong, if I hurt you I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry… I want to see your smile again.”

He turned half of his body around, only to look at me in the back but I ignored his eyes and still watched outside the car.

“Only if you don’t marry that girl”

He got a little surprised after I said that “Why? Does Jessica hurt you?”

Jessica, Jessica and Jessica, all he could say was only Jessica. Geez, don't you know that she is the problem? Even heard her name made my heart really burn.

“You will never really understand me” I, then opened the door to leave him.

“Yoong.. I will be back in America today”

I held my step when I still only a few inches from his car. Those words suddenly made me hard to continue my walk and also my breath.

DEG! Why so fast?

I never knew those kind of words that just left from his mouth could make me sad. As before, I felt happy when he wanted to go to America but strangely, it didn’t now. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to stop him. I wanted to ask him when he exactly back to America if you really marry that girl or will you back again? I had a thousand questions in my mind because his one statement. I wanted to at least turn around to look at him for the last, but I insisted my self not to care about that and strongly force to walk away from him. I kept my dignity.

It already the end of my school time, even my friends already left and some prepared their stuffs but I was still here, sat in my seat, near from window, looked at the ground from 3rd floor and my mind thought about some weird things. I regretted something, so many things. And I wondered so much if Donghae Oppa already left or didn’t? Now I felt I want to be with him and gave my smile when he wanted to leave. But sadly, everything was too late.

“Yoona-ya don’t you want to go home?” My best friend, Sooyoung, a tall girl who became my classmate since first grade but I still called him unnie since she was one year older than me, snapped my current mind. She looked at my books which still on my desk and looked at me back.

“You haven’t prepared yet?”

“I don’t think I want to go home now, unnie”

“What’s wrong with you? If you have problems, tell me then” She sat in the chair in front of me and faced me, waited for my story.

 I sighed at first. May be, I probably should share my weird mind to her.

“There is a man who wants to marry a girl. I should have happy but I didn’t. And… I don’t know why… I just don’t want him to marry her”

She was quiet for a while and smiled “It’s called jealous, Yoona” Sooyoung unnie looked at my eyes deeply, said it calmly but sure.

Jealous? I had never thought that the feeling when I felt angry with Donghae oppa before was all because I was jealous. Me… felt jealous? If it towards my brother, I thought it was still normal. I was sure that there were so many girls who felt jealous with her own brother too. So may be it was right, I was jealous. That was why I didn’t want him to marry her and behave weird to him. And it still made sense.

“Who is that boy?” Sooyoung unnie asked me and still with her smile, I knew she was trying to tease me.

“I’m sorry I can’t tell, but when I meet him my heart beats so fast, sometimes I feel shy, nervous and want to blush and… I think I want to be with him forever”

Suddenly Sooyoung unnie’s smile became wider than before “Ya! Pabo ya? It’s love yoona, it’s love! You already fall in love with that boy” Now, she looked so enthusiast with it.

But wait, wait and wait… I fell in love with my brother? It sounded absurd, didn’t make sense, we shared same blood and it was forbidden to fall in love with. I tried to calm my mind now and thought another things who could sound more reasonable. Might be it’s another love…

“Like I love my parents?”

“Ck, No, Yoona! It’s different of course!”

“Why?”

She sighed, she must be sick with my mind “Have you ever felt shy or your heart beats so fast when you’re with them?”

“But I want to be with them forever” I still denied the fact that I fell in love with him, I couldn’t just accept it.

“Seriously Yoona, it’s different and just accept you fell in love with him”

How could I accept that I fell in love with my own brother? and it was different love like I felt towards my family. Because as his sister I couldn’t feel like that.

But suddenly I began to scare now, what if it was really true that all this time I fell in love with my brother, what should I do then?

“Is he Siwon oppa?” Sooyoung unnie stole my mind and I felt really surprised when she mentioned Siwon Oppa, my neighbour also my brother’s best friend.      

“What? No! It’s not him” I totally denied even though I should admit that I admired him because he was perfect but I could still tell the difference of my feelings between Siwon Oppa and my brother, my feeling towards Donghae Oppa was … I could say that it was incredible. “I just like Siwon Oppa, not love him” I made it clear to Sooyoung unnie, and … to my self?

Did I just accept that I fell in love with Donghae Oppa?

“So, this boy is your first love then”

Deg! My heart beat so hard now. I began to nervous and scared at the same time. Never came across in my mind like that. I never fell in love before, because I never felt so nervous, shy, or my heart beat so fast in front of any boys in this world, except him. And that was the reason why I couldn’t tell all my feelings before. Because it was the first time I felt like that. And now when I fell in love for the first time and if all I felt to Donghae Oppa was really love. Then my first love was my own brother.

I suddenly got goose bumps and mental breakdown. This was wrong. Totally. It was forbidden. I should get rid away.  

“Yoona ya, why do you look so pale? Let’s go home it’s already 5 PM”

I could hear what Sooyoung unnie just said but my mind couldn’t stop to think about all of this. I couldn’t tell her the fact that a boy I talked about was my brother, what would she think then?

I told her to go first even though she looked unsure to left me alone in this room at this time, but I strongly told her not to worry about it since there were something I should think now.

Before she could passed the door, she turned around and said “I don’t know who that boy is but you should tell him that you love him”

I looked at her eyes, and tried to understand her words.

“Just don’t think about his marriage, he have a right to know about what you feel because he is your first love, Bye Yoonaaa”

She waved a good bye and soon disappeared from my sight. I was really alone in this room now. My mind couldn’t stop thinking about it and my heart couldn't stop beating so fast. Sooyoung unnie words really complicated me. I was really worried about this. This was what I scared about before. I tried to deny it but the truth was stronger than everything. It kept trying to come in my mind and it was already stuck in my heart.

I loved my own brother and now I accepted it.

I had to understand everything slowly. The fact that I loved my brother was may be true. No, not may be but it was. Then what should I do? Should I really tell him like what Sooyoung unnie suggested? But it was forbidden and what would donghae Oppa's reaction be then?

Suddenly I remembered about my dreams, my weird dreams about me and Donghae oppa. So it did really have another sign. All these times I thought it was just a sign for me to stop hating Donghae Oppa but it actually had another meaning. Those dreams wanted to tell me that I would love him sooner or later. And speak of the dreams, it actually from my previous life. My previous life fell in love with another Donghae Oppa before, but they couldn’t be together. So it was very possible for me to fall in love again with Donghae Oppa in my second life.

But wait!! I fell in love with him before and couldn’t be together and now in my next life I fell in love again with him but as his sister. If I could think deeply about that, my second life was actually my second chance to be together with him. So, I should tell him that I loved him. No! more than that I had to make him to be mine and be together with him like what I wanted to in my first life. I didn’t want to release him or fail in my second life now. I didn’t want to wasted this chance to just let him go. I had to make a move. I had to success for this time.

I immediately took my phone in my bag and called my mother. As she picked up I hurriedly asked her. “Omma, is donghae Oppa still there?” 

I totally hoped that she would say yes but...

“No, he already left. Where are you Yoona?”

I felt empty now, I felt too late. But I really had to chase him, no matter what.

“When exactly he left?” I ignored her question and asked her another question instead.

 “Just now, about 2 or 3 minutes ago, why?”

Good, there was still hope. I immediately hung up the phone and ignored my mother again as I didn’t care if she would angry or not because of that, but I hurriedly prepared my self and got my books. I left that room and descended school's stairs as fast as I could and ran to get a taxi.

I told the driver to go to an airport very soon because I really had to chase him and told him about my feeling, my mind, my wish and my everything just to make him mine. I prayed to god that I could meet him before he really left since he just left a few minutes ago. I didn’t want to lose him, I couldn’t lose him because I wanted to be together with him in my second life even though it was really forbidden but I would take all of the risks.

I just couldn’t let my self to fail again.