Review

"A r e   Y o u   R e a d y?" 

     Ready,

              ⇨ S i l e n t  N i g h t  || GreenGardenPop || Byuntaepotato ⇦                 Set, 

                          Go.

T i t l e ❧  4/5 

Due to the fact that your story really hasn’t started up yet, it is kind of hard to distinguish whether or not the title fits. However, from what I have read, it seems as though it works well. It gives a hint as to what the story is about without being too obvious.

P o s t e r & B a c k g r o u n d ❧ 2/10 b u l g e s

To be honest, I didn’t like the poster all that much. It looked as though someone had just blended a few photos                 together and slapped on some text. I liked the placement of the characters though. I think that you should get another poster as it is the first thing that your readers see and can leave a lasting impression.

P l o t & o r i g i n a l i t y ❧ ? /10  t h i g h s

As your story has not progressed very far, it is difficult to tell whether or not it is a cliché story line. The Plot seems interesting so far though, as you are leaving an air of mystery around the main character. I suspect that the character is a vampire and just wanted to tell you that vampire stories are becoming very common. If this is the kind of story you are writing, please add some kind of action or memorable thing that will differentiate your story from others.

G r a m m a r & s p e l l i n g ❧  ?/10 b u t t s

 Ch. 1 

Sunlight streamed into her bedroom, splashing across her face, causing her eyes to flutter open. She squinted against the bright light and slowly sat up. She sighed in annoyance when she saw him sitting on her table with an infuriating smile on his face.

You have over used the word ‘She’ and you do this throughout the story. Alternate between what you start your sentences with;

for example…

Sunlight streamed into her bedroom, splashing across Jiyeon’s face, causing her eyes to flutter open. Squinting against the bright light, she slowly sat up. Jiyeon sighed in annoyance when she saw him, sitting on her table with an infuriating smile.

He was her fiancé, who always came into her bedroom to wake her up in the morning; his house was located next to hers.

He was her fiancé; the one whom, every morning, came into her bedroom to wake her, just because their houses were close by.

The day when she got engaged was one of her happiest days because she loved him from the bottom of her heart ever since she was younger, and she knew that he loved her.

Jiyeon has loved him, as he loves her, ever since they were younger, which made the day of her engagement, one of the best in her life.

She would love him until her heart stopped beating, and the breath left her body and so did him.

She would love him until her heart stopped beating and the breath left her body. Jiyeon knew that Baekhyun felt exactly the same.

"Baekhyun it's Sunday. I have nothing to do so let me to continue sleeping,"

“Baekhyun, it’s Sunday. I have nothing to do, so let me continue sleeping.”

…cradling her against his chest when she was about to lay back down, making her eyes shoot open wide in shock.

…cradling her against his chest, just as she was about to lay back down, making her eyes shoot open in shock.

"Jiyeon, give me a kiss, then I'll stop-,"

“Jiyeon, just give me a kiss, then I’ll stop.”

…she cut him off while shoving him harshly,

…she cut him off whilst shoving him harshly,

…death glare, and he flashed…

…death glare and he flashed…

Ch. 2

…and quickened her pace, ignoring his calls to her.

…and quickened her pace, ignoring his calls.

Baekhyun sighed before he ran to catch up with her and grabbed her hand.                 

Baekhyun sighed before he ran to catch up with her, grabbing her hand.

…I'm just kidding, so don't furious like this,"…

…I'm just kidding, so don't be furious like this,"…

Jiyeon, when I am with you, I see nothing other than you. I just love being with you, and I want to live every moment with you.

Jiyeon, when I am with you, I see nothing else. I just love when we are together, and I want to live every moment with you.

A few hours had passed, and they still sat like that in comfortable silence, looking into the horizon of the beach where the sky and the water were merging together, how the waves were covering each other.

A few hours had passed, and they still sat like that in comfortable silence, looking into the horizon. We watched the way that the sky and the water were merging together, how the waves were covering each other.

As the sunset was beginning, the sun was going down slowly changing its color…

The sun began to go down slowly, changing in colour…

…trying to think of the words for defending herself.

…trying to think of words to defend herself with.

"Yeah! Baekhyun, you must also be careful on the way!”

"Okay! Baekhyun, you too!”

 …she spun around the area as if she was looking for the guy who had just yelled.

… she spun around, as if looking for the guy whom she had just heard yell.

…he retorted as he grabbed her hand they shook hands.

…he retorted as he shook her hand.

…even bigger and bright;

…even bigger and brighter;

…you don't need to apologize to me because you did nothing wrong to me,"

…you don't need to apologize to me because you did nothing wrong,"

…he insisted, pulling her towards the street when she was just about to release his grip from her wrist, which startled her half to death.

… he insisted, pulling her towards the street, just as she was about to release his hold on her wrist, startling her half to death.

Ch. 3

…she wanted to run as fast as she could right away, but if she did,…

…she wanted to run away as fast as she could, but if she did…

He burst out laughing until tears rolled down his face.

He burst out laughing, until the point when tears began to roll down his face.

She told him to eat, and he obeyed her; he devoured the food so fast.

She told him to eat and he obeyed, devouring the food quickly.

“Myung, who is her name?”

“Myung, what is her name?”

Looking up at the moon, he started moving it forwards and backwards.

Looking up at the moon, he started moving it back and forth with his mind.

…he hadn’t seen her yet. Getting impatient to see her, he decided…

..he was yet to see her. Feeling impatient, he decided…

…but he paused when a guy grabbed her wrist, who had just gotten out of the same cab.

…but he paused when a guy, whom had just got out of the same cab, grabbed her wrist.

Baekhyun actually noticed someone watching their kiss, but he didn’t care what people would think.

Baekhyun actually noticed that someone was watching their kiss, yet he didn’t care as other opinions were irrelevant.

…as they enjoyed a passionate kissing.

…as they enjoyed a passionate kiss.

"Park Jiyeon, Byun Baekhyun, what are you guys doing?!" a woman suddenly roared, causing them to break the kiss.

"We will definitely be scolded," she hissed,

"Park Jiyeon, Byun Baekhyun, what are you guys doing?!" a woman suddenly roared, causing them to break the kiss.

"We will definitely be scolded," Jiyeon hissed,

…restrain your lust at him.”

…restrain your lust for him.”

Then her mother dragged her into…

Her mother then dragged her into…

Jiyeon tilted her head to look at him and mouthed, "Good night."

Jiyeon tilted her head back to look at him, mouthing, "Good night."

Why do I even bother thinking about a girl I met last night?

Why do I even bother thinking about a girl that I only met last night?Ch. 1 

Sunlight streamed into her bedroom, splashing across her face, causing her eyes to flutter open. She squinted against the bright light and slowly sat up. She sighed in annoyance when she saw him sitting on her table with an infuriating smile on his face.

You have over used the word ‘She’ and you do this throughout the story. Alternate between what you start your sentences with;

for example…

Sunlight streamed into her bedroom, splashing across Jiyeon’s face, causing her eyes to flutter open. Squinting against the bright light, she slowly sat up. Jiyeon sighed in annoyance when she saw him, sitting on her table with an infuriating smile.

He was her fiancé, who always came into her bedroom to wake her up in the morning; his house was located next to hers.

He was her fiancé; the one whom, every morning, came into her bedroom to wake her, just because their houses were close by.

The day when she got engaged was one of her happiest days because she loved him from the bottom of her heart ever since she was younger, and she knew that he loved her.

Jiyeon has loved him, as he loves her, ever since they were younger, which made the day of her engagement, one of the best in her life.

She would love him until her heart stopped beating, and the breath left her body and so did him.

She would love him until her heart stopped beating and the breath left her body. Jiyeon knew that Baekhyun felt exactly the same.

"Baekhyun it's Sunday. I have nothing to do so let me to continue sleeping,"

“Baekhyun, it’s Sunday. I have nothing to do, so let me continue sleeping.”

…cradling her against his chest when she was about to lay back down, making her eyes shoot open wide in shock.

…cradling her against his chest, just as she was about to lay back down, making her eyes shoot open in shock.

"Jiyeon, give me a kiss, then I'll stop-,"

“Jiyeon, just give me a kiss, then I’ll stop.”

…she cut him off while shoving him harshly,

…she cut him off whilst shoving him harshly,

…death glare, and he flashed…

…death glare and he flashed…

Ch. 2

…and quickened her pace, ignoring his calls to her.

…and quickened her pace, ignoring his calls.

Baekhyun sighed before he ran to catch up with her and grabbed her hand.                 

Baekhyun sighed before he ran to catch up with her, grabbing her hand.

…I'm just kidding, so don't furious like this,"…

…I'm just kidding, so don't be furious like this,"…

Jiyeon, when I am with you, I see nothing other than you. I just love being with you, and I want to live every moment with you.

Jiyeon, when I am with you, I see nothing else. I just love when we are together, and I want to live every moment with you.

A few hours had passed, and they still sat like that in comfortable silence, looking into the horizon of the beach where the sky and the water were merging together, how the waves were covering each other.

A few hours had passed, and they still sat like that in comfortable silence, looking into the horizon. We watched the way that the sky and the water were merging together, how the waves were covering each other.

As the sunset was beginning, the sun was going down slowly changing its color…

The sun began to go down slowly, changing in colour…

…trying to think of the words for defending herself.

…trying to think of words to defend herself with.

"Yeah! Baekhyun, you must also be careful on the way!”

"Okay! Baekhyun, you too!”

 …she spun around the area as if she was looking for the guy who had just yelled.

… she spun around, as if looking for the guy whom she had just heard yell.

…he retorted as he grabbed her hand they shook hands.

…he retorted as he shook her hand.

…even bigger and bright;

…even bigger and brighter;

…you don't need to apologize to me because you did nothing wrong to me,"

…you don't need to apologize to me because you did nothing wrong,"

…he insisted, pulling her towards the street when she was just about to release his grip from her wrist, which startled her half to death.

… he insisted, pulling her towards the street, just as she was about to release his hold on her wrist, startling her half to death.

Ch. 3

…she wanted to run as fast as she could right away, but if she did,…

…she wanted to run away as fast as she could, but if she did…

He burst out laughing until tears rolled down his face.

He burst out laughing, until the point when tears began to roll down his face.

She told him to eat, and he obeyed her; he devoured the food so fast.

She told him to eat and he obeyed, devouring the food quickly.

“Myung, who is her name?”

“Myung, what is her name?”

Looking up at the moon, he started moving it forwards and backwards.

Looking up at the moon, he started moving it back and forth with his mind.

…he hadn’t seen her yet. Getting impatient to see her, he decided…

..he was yet to see her. Feeling impatient, he decided…

…but he paused when a guy grabbed her wrist, who had just gotten out of the same cab.

…but he paused when a guy, whom had just got out of the same cab, grabbed her wrist.

Baekhyun actually noticed someone watching their kiss, but he didn’t care what people would think.

Baekhyun actually noticed that someone was watching their kiss, yet he didn’t care as other opinions were irrelevant.

…as they enjoyed a passionate kissing.

…as they enjoyed a passionate kiss.

"Park Jiyeon, Byun Baekhyun, what are you guys doing?!" a woman suddenly roared, causing them to break the kiss.

"We will definitely be scolded," she hissed,

"Park Jiyeon, Byun Baekhyun, what are you guys doing?!" a woman suddenly roared, causing them to break the kiss.

"We will definitely be scolded," Jiyeon hissed,

…restrain your lust at him.”

…restrain your lust for him.”

Then her mother dragged her into…

Her mother then dragged her into…

Jiyeon tilted her head to look at him and mouthed, "Good night."

Jiyeon tilted her head back to look at him, mouthing, "Good night."

Why do I even bother thinking about a girl I met last night?

Why do I even bother thinking about a girl that I only met last night?

W r i t i n g  s t y l e & s t o r y  f l o w ❧ 7/10  a b s

I think the flow of the story was fine. You moved through scenes okay mostly. However, your transition between some things happened quiet swiftly.

Your writing style could use a little improvement, but then so could everyone’s. Your vocabulary was okay as you threw in a nice amount of descriptive words, although you should try to describe emotions and the surroundings a tad more.

C h a r a c t e r i z a t i o n ❧ 5.5/10  n e c k  v e i n s 

Your character introductions weren’t too bad. You could have gone with a different start to your story instead of just letting the girl wake up. I personally think this is over used and a little boring. I understand that you may not have wanted to use an action start, but they are quiet effective in drawing a reader in. I don’t know a whole lot about your characters but I do know a decent amount. If Baekhyun is going to be a main, I think you should give us a little info on what kind of person he is to later support his character.

You made it obvious that Jiyeon and Baekhyun were happily in love and that Myungsoo is the jealous type. Try to slip in a few more characteristics throughout the story so that the characters get a little more depth.

O v e r a l l  e n j o y m e n t ❧ 65/100  

I love to read dark, angst kind of stories yet I found yours, so far, to be slightly boring. I suggest you add some kind of action soon; otherwise your readers are going to get bored and not want to read on.

              ▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃▴▹▾◃ have some nachos

A/N : none