“ Jongup! I’m not some charity case,” Daehyun yelled as he slammed his fist against the wall sideways. His eyes piercing me with so much hate, so much resentment, oh who am I kidding… Daehyun looks so much hurt despite all that hateful façade.

 “Look, I’m sorry I jumped in to you like a dog in heat. But I’m not dumb oh great class rep,” he said with a wistful smirk. “You like me? Yeah that was just the fear talking, and here I actually believed all that . No need to lead me on!” Daehyun straightened up, gave a shaky audible sigh like he was trying to keep himself from tearing up. And with one last sad smile he said, “And I was supposed to be the bad guy, huh?”

No, no, no! You got in wrong Daehyun, I’m not leading you on. No don’t go. Stupid Jongup, move, move your shaking arms and reach out for him.  Just tell him you’re new to this whole relationship thing. Just make any sound dimwit! But I didn’t. I just stood there silently while my entire body was having a war with itself. Why couldn’t I just simply tell him… I love you. That’s just so simple right?

You might be wondering what happened here, we all know that Daehyun and I made out and made our feelings known, um, actually my feelings known. And I guess that’s where all this started. About two weeks ago…

*~*~*

TWO WEEKS AGO:

I couldn’t reply to Daehyun’s ‘you like me that much’ text. I just went beet red. All that time until lunch all I could think about was how to evade Daehyun or make up an excuse. Yes, me and lying really don’t mix well. But when the dreaded break time came it was as if the Universe took pity at me and I became busy with errands. My phone would keep vibrating from Daehyun’s text messages but I could just tell him later that I was busy and that is a justifiable excuse.

“Jongup,” he called from behind me.

“You’re still here,” I said, really surprised that he waited for the class officers’ meeting to end.

“Obviously,” he sarcastically replied then took my bag from my hand and swung it to his back. “Well, c’mon I’m starving,” he added beckoning me to follow him out. We were having dinner together for the first time. To be honest, my mind’s racing with so many things that it’s making me dizzy. Would Daehyun make a move on me while we’re eating? Of course not right? But then he just dragged me to the shed and made out with me. Oh my god, is the next time happening tonight after all? All this things are making me nauseated.

But nothing happened. We ate, he walked me until the bus stop as I insisted and that was all. Ugh! Now I feel sick and stupid. Daehyun was… gentlemanly. And thinking about how he subtly makes skinship – discreetly holding my hand or touching my fingertips, asking me what I wanted, really just serving me, all those things are like being intoxicated with the sweetest perfume. But what was sweet, innocent Jongup doing? Thinking lewd things! What a disgrace?!

I pinched one of my cheeks and I may look crazy to the other passengers but I have to make it clear to myself that this isn’t a dream. And when it hurt when I let go, I couldn’t help but smile Daehyun was being attentive towards me and only to me.  

But despite how I feel, I still get nervous whenever Daehyun and I are alone and I know its low of me but I unconsciously make myself busy whenever that happens. And I know how weird I must’ve looked in front of Daehyun and not really all that different in front of others but when I have the chance to take a glimpse of him, Daehyun would look sad. And he has every right to, I am deliberately avoiding him! Although we still head home together and sometimes with Zelo accompanying us halfway.

PRESENT TIME: 

“What’s wrong with me?” I asked gravely as I lay my head on the Disciplinary Committee Head’s desk. I could imagine Mr. Kim scoffing as he makes me my tea.

“Jongup, I think you’re mistaking me for the guidance counselor,” he joked.

“It’s not like I have anyone else to talk about this,” I replied indignantly.

This has been going on for two weeks already. Although I can really relax when we are in a crowded place but since that make out session, we’ve never really done anything beyond that or even like that!?! And well I learned Mr. Kim was also into men, more specifically the school physician.

Mr. Kim huffed as he sets down my cup. “So what are you actually talking about?”  he asked but all I could do was get all bashful and turn my head away as I imagine the things I wanted to say. “I can’t do anything without the talking from your part.”

“Oh please Mr. Kim, we both know you’re very perceptive so you probably know what I’m talking about without me saying,” I retorted still unable to look at him and just focused on my tea.

He sighed. “Look Jongup, I care about you but you are clearly new to this whole kind of thing and densely oblivious unless it’s spelled out for you despite you being academically smart,” he started and going even more blunt he added, “So what if Daehyun wants to , don’t you? It’s not like that’s all he ever wants from you, cause if that’s all he would’ve done it long ago and well if you don’t want it you wouldn’t be thinking too much about it.”

“I’m not –” I started to reply

Mr. Kim held a hand up, “Shhh…” he said. “Tell it to someone who’d buy that.”

“But Daehyun never said anything else; it was more of me saying something.”

Frustrated Mr. Kim flicked a finger on my forehead. “You talk, well barely, and he acts doesn’t he? And if you haven’t noticed, despite of how he looks, he isn’t that confident at all and with you being all flighty well let’s just say… at least you’ve experienced the thing we call First Love.”

“Wait, what do you mean?” I said, clinging to Mr. Kim’s arms unintentionally.

Smirking, Mr. Kim leaned closer and said in almost a whisper “A man can only chase so much.”

Suddenly the door flew open and Daehyun saw us in that almost intimate state. Daehyun offered his hand to me while glaring at Mr. Kim as he said, “Let’s go home now Jongup,” curtly.