numb
veneer series
numb: (nuhm): lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent:
eg. He was numb to their pleas for mercy.
eg. He was numb to their pleas for mercy.
Whenever Nichkhun is around, there is a prick in Wooyoung's chest. The closer Nichkhun is, the more constant the pain is. It is as if there was a radar in Wooyoung's chest that feels Nichkhun's presence. So whenever he's around, Wooyoung would attempt to put a distance between them, sometimes it involves busying himself with another member, just to distract and shield himself from the pain that comes from Nichkhun's mere presence.
So when it comes to that part of the day, where Minjae would yell out only Khun's name for a schedule, he knows that it's bound to be WGM again. So Wooyoung sinks his body even more on the couch, trying hard to be one with the cool fabric behind his back, trying to appear invisible so Khun wouldn't have to send him those apologetic gazes before he goes, because it is hard enough watching him go as is. When his chameleon act failed, he silently thanks God that Chansung is beside him on the couch that day, so that he can focus on trying to snatch a handful of dried mangoes out of the packet in Chansung's iron grip instead of watching a certain Thai man in the corner of his eyes walking out of their dorm. Once the door closes, he gave up trying to wrestle that packet of dried mangoes off Chansung and slumps on the couch and closes his eyes.
It was getting harder seeing him leave, especially when Wooyoung knows that there is a possibility that is heart wouldn’t come back as a whole. Parts of his heart that previously belonged to him, and him alone is now slowly slipping away from his grasp. There is someone else that claimed it, and she has the advantage of the whole nation (and possibly international exposure) watching and cooing on their interactions. And Wooyoung couldn't do anything but watches everything with wary eyes, clenched fist and a gaping hole where his heart used to be.
He felt Chansung’s comforting pat on his knee, and when he opens his eyes and looks up to the maknae's face, he is met with a reassuring smile. A smile that seems to say; “It’s okay, Wooyoung-ah, It's only for the show”.
At this Wooyoung could only smile back in return, something that he hopes translates to “I know, I understand. Really”
But if he does, why does it still hurts?
And it’s not like he is lying to himself, he really do understand that the show is a responsibility Khun has to do to uphold their professionalism in the industry. He understands, he really does, but it’s not like being understanding will help dull the pain. The only thing he can do is to stay silent and suffer alone. However, the weight of Chansung's palms on his knees reminds him that he doesn't have to suffer this alone.
"Chansung-ah, let's play games!" He tried to sound as cheery as possible, faking a smile so wide for the maknae to stop worrying about him. He knew that Chansung could see through his lies, but still, the maknae flashed another silly smile and began rummaging their TV cabinet for the game controllers. A few minutes later Junho has come home from dream team filming and jumps straight to the sofa to snatch the controller from Chansung, disregarding their nagging and apparent disgust that he has squeezed himself in between them without showering.
There are times that Wooyoung wishes that he isn't living with five other noisy man, whose the only thing they have in common is that they have chaos as their middle name. Five man who eats like they haven't eaten for a whole week, gulps down packets upon packets of dried mangoes like drinking water and does wrestling and girl group dances as a form of entertainment. But today, he is glad for them. For at least theres always someone with something new to help him occupy his mind, be it Junsu and his constant need to show off his freshly composed tunes, Taec with his newest mastered girl group dances, Chansung sharing his latest winnings from his food stealing rampage, or Junho with his new discovery on exercises that supposedly will help his to stay firm. 2PM is chaos, and Wooyoung was glad, for this chaos shelters him from the chaos which is his heart. Even if its just temporarily.
It was nearing midnight when Junsu finally shooes them all to bed, the oldest taking over Minjae's role comfortably when the latter is away. It was then that Wooyoung feels the smile fading off from his lips and evaporates into the ringing silence of the living room. It was only when the other bundle on the floor stop squirming around that his strong act finally crumble down. It was only when he has nothing else to distract himself do the tears fall, drenching the pillow and drowning his heart. It was only in the silence, that he finally hear his own heart breaking into pieces.
Sometimes Wooyoung wondered why couldn't he liked someone else instead.
Someone like Junsu, whose sensibilities and maturity would make sure everything is always fine. Junsu whose voice is so soothing that Wooyoung would gladly fall asleep hearing him compose songs, even if its just words repeated without meaning. Junsu who always looks so indifferent from outside, but cares for everyone in his own silent way.
Someone like Taecyeon, whose towering height makes Wooyoung trusts that the giant would shelter him from anything bad in the world. Taecyeon whose toothy grin would always makes everything worthy of laughing about. Taecyeon whose big hands always gives Wooyoung comfort whenever it lands on his shoulder to give it a firm squeeze.
Someone like Junho, whose sunny smiles will always make sure that sadness is at least a mile away. Whose determination always inspires Wooyoung wants to be a little stronger, a little faster, and become a better person. Junho, whose smiles always touches his eyes, crinkling it so delightfully that Wooyoung always succumb to responding to that smile.
Someone like Chansung, whose mere existence always bring a sense of bliss in Wooyoung. Chansung who could so easily throw all his troubles and frustations at the mention of food. Chansung who always have a new excitement to share, who sees the world as a bright and friendly place, and who always able to see the best in others.
But instead, he had to fallen into the trap that everyone else fall into in some stage of their life. Crushing on someone as perfect as Nichkhun was easy. Too easy. Especially when Khun had made it too convenient to fall for him. Somewhere between his twinkling eyes and his pouty lips, his fair skin and soft hair that changes colours too often for Wooyoung's liking, somewhere between his husky speaking voice and his often offtune singing voice, somewhere between the caress of his soft hands and hugs from his well-toned arms, Wooyoung has lost himself, and fallen deep into the point of no return.
Pain starts to rise up on his chest when the thoughts of Nichkhun starts to surface, and he clutches his fist and starts pounding on his chest. Maybe if he hurt himself enough, the pain in his chest will slowly subside. Maybe if he can distract himself with a stronger pain, he will eventually grow numb of this throbbing pain. Maybe it will finally cease to hurt.
A hand came out of the dark to stop his own fist from pounding against his ribs, catching him in a back hug. Chansung's hand is now holding his wrist close to Wooyoung's own chest, to stop him from hitting himself. Funny, the maknae is usually a heavy sleeper.
“Chest pain again?” He whispered, Wooyoung could only nod silently, trying to stop his shoulders from shaking so that the younger member won't realize he had been crying again.
“Face the pain, Wooyoung-ah, stronger pain doesn't make you numb, it’s only going to give you more pain”
Wooyoung feels his breath knocked out of his lungs. Since when their maknae became this wise? Wooyoung almost feel foolish for thinking that he could dull the pain by hurting himself. Chansung is right, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, and a strength began to surge through Wooyoung. As Chansung's breathing starting to even out, Wooyoung closes his eyes and wills himself to sleep, he isn't sure that sleep is going to come to him soon, but it will eventually. Like everything else, life is an eventual process, and Wooyoung is sure feelings are too.
Maybe one day, he will be able to face the pain head on, and stop shielding himself with what ifs, false pretenses or self-inflicting pain. Maybe one day, as long as he tries hard enough, he could face Nichkhun and Victoria with a genuine smile and truly give them his blessings. Maybe one day, even though it might not be tomorrow, but when that day comes, Wooyoung will be strong enough.
Maybe one day...
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