pretense
veneer series
pretense: (pri-tens, pree-tens): A professed but feigned reason or excuse; a pretext:
eg. under false pretenses.
eg. under false pretenses.
Wooyoung noticed, the way Nichkhun's eyes lights up slightly in those WGM episodes. Not enough, but slightly, its like he's been glowing brighter and brighter day by day, even despite the sagging eyebags, result of their busy schedules and heavy workload. No one else seem to notice the slight change in the air surrounding their Thai Prince, because they all have come into terms that he always glows brighter than others, but Wooyoung noticed, Wooyoung always noticed. However, Wooyoung likes to pretend that he didn't see it. It was much easier to pretend and reassures himself that he is not affected, that much like their members and the staffs that have to acquaint with 2PM everyday, Nichkhun's charms are no longer working. Wooyoung likes to think that he is strong, and when that doesn't work, he pretends. Because if he keeps pretending, maybe someday it will feel almost real, and until that happens, Wooyoung will keep building a castle surrounding his heart to house and protect it, even if the walls are made of false pretenses.
Wooyoung realized, how Nichkhun always take careful steps when leaving the house for WGM filmings, as if not to let Wooyoung know. Wooyoung knows, that Nichkhun is probably doing it for Wooyoung's own good, but Wooyoung miss the times Nichkhun would come to his room, ruffled his hair and said "I'm heading out, I'll be back soon." Wooyoung then would watch his back leaving and shouted after him to bring some ice cream home. Nichkhun would then turn back and proceed into nagging that Wooyoung's excessive ice cream eating tendency isn't good for his health, but will come back with a small tub of them anyway because he know it will make Wooyoung happy. These days, it is so much easier to pretend, so everytime his peripheral vision catches the shadow of the blonde haired man slipping away from his room and to the door, Wooyoung sinks into the sofa even more and pretend to be engrossed with the stuff that is going on TV so much that he doesn't hear the sound of the door closing. It was so much easier to pretend that the insomnia he has been experiencing lately is because Chansung's snore is getting out of hand, and not because a certain thai prince is still out of the dorm doing god-knows-what. It was so much easier to blame the constant chest pain on indigestion, and not because someone has successfully stolen his heart and left a gaping hole in place where it previously was.
Wooyoung feels it, the apologetic look Nichkhun's been giving him. The look that pierces through the fabric of his being, constantly making himself feels guilty of making the man worrying about him. The way the blonde man takes extra attention on his wellbeing, as if he is a fragile being that would crack upon one blow of the wind. Which is why Wooyoung has spent extra effort looking strong and unaffected, but sometimes the act is hard to uphold, because Wooyoung just wasn't made to be strong. His small built meant that he was more suited to be the innocent soul protected and sheltered from the harsh world, and everyone knows that. Which is why the other members have been taking care of him more than they usually does. This made Wooyoung even more determined to look strong, so that s wouldn't need to take care of him, because he knows that they have too much other things to worry about. So Wooyoung tried his hardest to look strong, to look unaffected, to still look like the old bright ssanti Wooyoung. Not by smiling fake smiles, but by ignoring everything, staying silent and not letting his usual sarcasm drip from his mouth. Because the members all know off by heart that sarcasm only comes out when Wooyoung is upset.
But still, even with all those pretense Wooyoung puts up, he still recognizes the looks the other members been giving him, that look of pity who indirectly tells him,"Wooyoung-ah, you're not that strong". It makes it so much harder for him to tell himself that he is okay, especially when the others makes it so easy for him to fall into the comfort of becoming 'the victim'. Chansung who shares too much food than necessary, as if scared that Wooyoung isn’t eating enough. Junho who seems to make sure he’s always there to greet Wooyoung with his trademark eye smile whenever he sees anything close to a frown on his face, because Junho knows that Wooyoung could never escape his sunny smile with a frown. Taecyeon, who always cracks lame jokes whenever the silence gets too suffocating. Junsu, who falls into steps so easily beside Wooyoung when he’s walking alone, catching him in a one armed hug and gave him a silent knowing smile that reassures Wooyoung everytime. For a while, Wooyoung was drowned in them, the constant care the members been showering him with, and he thought it was able to fill in the void that Khun left. He thought he was at least that strong.
Wooyoung likes to show the world that he is fine, that he is stronger than they think he is. That even if he looks fragile, he is actually strong and unaffected, that little things couldn't bring him down. Wooyoung knows that he has to convince himself before he can convince anyone else, so he keeps lying to himself that he is fine. Maybe, if he keeps lying to himself, maybe everything would feel almost real.
But who is he to kid?
Wooyoung notices all, he notices more than people think he does. He might act strong, ignorant, and unaffected, but he has the most fragile heart, that beats a little to irregularly, hurts a little too easily, and gets jealous a little too often, but it is because his heart loves a little too deeply.
Wooyoung realized, how Nichkhun always take careful steps when leaving the house for WGM filmings, as if not to let Wooyoung know. Wooyoung knows, that Nichkhun is probably doing it for Wooyoung's own good, but Wooyoung miss the times Nichkhun would come to his room, ruffled his hair and said "I'm heading out, I'll be back soon." Wooyoung then would watch his back leaving and shouted after him to bring some ice cream home. Nichkhun would then turn back and proceed into nagging that Wooyoung's excessive ice cream eating tendency isn't good for his health, but will come back with a small tub of them anyway because he know it will make Wooyoung happy. These days, it is so much easier to pretend, so everytime his peripheral vision catches the shadow of the blonde haired man slipping away from his room and to the door, Wooyoung sinks into the sofa even more and pretend to be engrossed with the stuff that is going on TV so much that he doesn't hear the sound of the door closing. It was so much easier to pretend that the insomnia he has been experiencing lately is because Chansung's snore is getting out of hand, and not because a certain thai prince is still out of the dorm doing god-knows-what. It was so much easier to blame the constant chest pain on indigestion, and not because someone has successfully stolen his heart and left a gaping hole in place where it previously was.
Wooyoung feels it, the apologetic look Nichkhun's been giving him. The look that pierces through the fabric of his being, constantly making himself feels guilty of making the man worrying about him. The way the blonde man takes extra attention on his wellbeing, as if he is a fragile being that would crack upon one blow of the wind. Which is why Wooyoung has spent extra effort looking strong and unaffected, but sometimes the act is hard to uphold, because Wooyoung just wasn't made to be strong. His small built meant that he was more suited to be the innocent soul protected and sheltered from the harsh world, and everyone knows that. Which is why the other members have been taking care of him more than they usually does. This made Wooyoung even more determined to look strong, so that s wouldn't need to take care of him, because he knows that they have too much other things to worry about. So Wooyoung tried his hardest to look strong, to look unaffected, to still look like the old bright ssanti Wooyoung. Not by smiling fake smiles, but by ignoring everything, staying silent and not letting his usual sarcasm drip from his mouth. Because the members all know off by heart that sarcasm only comes out when Wooyoung is upset.
But still, even with all those pretense Wooyoung puts up, he still recognizes the looks the other members been giving him, that look of pity who indirectly tells him,"Wooyoung-ah, you're not that strong". It makes it so much harder for him to tell himself that he is okay, especially when the others makes it so easy for him to fall into the comfort of becoming 'the victim'. Chansung who shares too much food than necessary, as if scared that Wooyoung isn’t eating enough. Junho who seems to make sure he’s always there to greet Wooyoung with his trademark eye smile whenever he sees anything close to a frown on his face, because Junho knows that Wooyoung could never escape his sunny smile with a frown. Taecyeon, who always cracks lame jokes whenever the silence gets too suffocating. Junsu, who falls into steps so easily beside Wooyoung when he’s walking alone, catching him in a one armed hug and gave him a silent knowing smile that reassures Wooyoung everytime. For a while, Wooyoung was drowned in them, the constant care the members been showering him with, and he thought it was able to fill in the void that Khun left. He thought he was at least that strong.
Wooyoung likes to show the world that he is fine, that he is stronger than they think he is. That even if he looks fragile, he is actually strong and unaffected, that little things couldn't bring him down. Wooyoung knows that he has to convince himself before he can convince anyone else, so he keeps lying to himself that he is fine. Maybe, if he keeps lying to himself, maybe everything would feel almost real.
But who is he to kid?
Wooyoung notices all, he notices more than people think he does. He might act strong, ignorant, and unaffected, but he has the most fragile heart, that beats a little to irregularly, hurts a little too easily, and gets jealous a little too often, but it is because his heart loves a little too deeply.
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