veneer
veneer series
veneer: (v
-nîr
) a superficially valuable or pleasing appearance:
-nîr) a superficially valuable or pleasing appearance:
eg. a cruelperson with a veneer of kindliness.
Khun sighs and closes his eyes, feeling his shoulders brush past hers because of the movement of the train. He shifts to his left and let his head lull to the left slowly. He acts like he is really sleepy during the filming and she keeps nagging him to sleep, he acts like he is feeling guilty, where truth be told he couldn’t care less. The staffs are taking a rest so he curls up on his sides, closes his eyes and tries to drown the light chatter around him. Smooth move, Khun.
It's not like he hates her. She's a very nice girl, big hearted and charming, albeit her tendency to act a little cutesy for whats appropriate for her age. If he had met her before he met Wooyoung, he is almost certain that he is likely fall for her, may it be the way her eyes twinkles when he looks at her, or the way she pouts when she is angry and won't admit it.
But it is starting to feel like a chore, smiling and giggling with her all for the sake of the show, acting all gentlemanly and holding her hand whenever they get in or out of a bus or a train, all the while inwardly scoffing at the reality of this supposed to be 'reality TV show'. It's not like he doesn't like her, but he couldn't help but feel frustrated about this whole ordeal.
He's starting to feel guilty being the subject of her attention, sandwiches, coffees, and everything else nice and lovely. Starting to feel guilty that he can never return the gesture sincerely, for when he does all the gentlemanly things to her, it's not even for the sake of the show and its ratings, but to shield his own messed up life.
He was starting to feel sorry for her, that he have to lie that he's enjoying all this interaction between them, starting to feel sorry that she put so much effort into this little vacation of theirs, having to research him all over the internet and the likes. Even when she said that she saw that huswife captioned picture of him and Wooyoung, Khun laughed it off like its no big deal and kept smiling quietly, all the while wanting to burst and tell the whole world that Wooyoung is the one he wanted to be with right at that moment.
It's not like he wants to lie to her. It's not like he's delibrately doing this for his own sake, but in the end of the day, everything is still his fault. It burdens him to know that even if he get out of this unscathed with his reputation intact, he would've broken not one, but two hearts.
He wonders how long he can keep this lie up, he is getting afraid that soon enough, all the lies would tangle up all together so messy that the only way possible to get out of it is to cut off all the threads. Call him selfish, but he's just isn't ready to let go.
"Hyung, they called you to the office" Junho had approached him right away when he and Wooyoung arrived into the studio. He is expecting a scolding for bringing Wooyoung out so late into the night when they have to practice for the Wonder Girls concert, something JYP had built to pave their way to the American market. Missing it means he isn't respecting the producer's good intentions for 2PM's future, but he gotten so frustrated with the choreography that he had kidnapped Wooyoung for a good half hour stroll outside of the building. They were having a break anyway, so Khun didn't think it would lead to this.
But when he walked off with Wooyoung back to the doors they just came from, Junho stopped them again.
"Just you Hyung."
The three of them exchanged confused looks, after a shrug from Junho, Khun realised that the other boy hasn't got a clue what this is all might be about. So he patted Wooyoung's shoulders and stalked off to the door.
"But hyung..." he protested, but being cut-off in midair.
"I'll deal with this Woo, just stay here and I'll come back soon." With that he closed the door behind him before Wooyoung could utter another word of protest.
Walking down the corridor to the director's office is always a journey filled with uncertainties, endless guessing and heart that beats too quickly for it to be normal. For the days where he knew 2PM is doing well, especially the days where they brought back awards and such, the walk would feel so much quicker, but not today. Even as he picked up his walking pace, the journey felt neverending.
The door creaks eerily as Khun opened it, sometimes he and the boys like to joke that they never oiled the door just to create that eerie atmosphere surrounding that room, so that any trainee or artist that is ever called there will think twice before they start up another trouble.
"Khun, Jin Young Hyung wants to talk to you in person. I've set up a conference call for you." their manager said upon him entering that room.
"Hyung, do you know what this is about?" As Khun has somewhat expected, Minjae shook his head apologetically.
"Sorry, and good luck!" he said, before exiting that room, leaving Khun face to face with a big screen with the image of Park Jin Young.
"Have a seat" he said. Nichkhun took a seat in the chair in front of a huge desk, all the while trying so hard to read the producer's face and seek any possible hint to what this talk is going to be about.
"You got an offer to be in We Got Married, and we accepted it for you"
"WHAT?" He yelled unconsciously and stood up immediately.
"How can you decide this without telling me??" He asked, even though he fully knew that he, like anyone in this company is just a pawn in the company's game. The contract that binds them lets the company decide everything for them if it is seen as an act for their own good.
"Calm down and sit back down." JYP ordered, Khun have no other choice but do so, it's funny how much control he have on them even when he is not physically there.
"Don't for a moment think that I dont know whats been going on now that I am not in Korea. I have my sources and I know what kind of relationship you have with Wooyoung."
He stayed quiet as the producer continues, he is not in a place to say anything, not after that revelation that just came out from the producer's projection in the screen in the middle of the room.
"This is a chance for you to set your record straight in front of the Korean media and your fans. Our staffs aren't the only ones that realize your extreme closeness with Wooyoung. I've been monitoring the netizens and they have been suspecting the both of you for a while. It doesn't help when you do skinship so openly in public, Khun."
"But they think its fanservice!" Khun answered back in high intensity, even though he knew fighting is next to futile but he couldn't help but wanting to fight to the end for this one. just for this one.
"There is a limit to what fanservice is, and the look on your eyes betray everything.” JYP reasoned out, heaved a sigh before continuing.
"Think of the consequences that you might have to suffer if Korea thinks you're gay Khun. Korea is highly homophobic, so once they knew, you're out of the industry. Don't think for a moment that because you grew up in the US that they will spare you. You know how harsh Korean netizens can be. Was Jay's incident not bad enough for you to learn not to anger the netizens?"
“Imagine what would happen, to you, and to 2PM. The reputation we so painstakingly built for you will be shattered, and your condition will be worse than what you started out before we took you in. I’m not letting a start of another Jay incident.”
He is right, Khun thought to himself. If this breaks out, he would not just be one person in a sea of strangers, but that sea of strangers will swallow him whole with disapproving looks that pierce to his whole being and muted whispers, where words aren’t clear but the effect is tenfold.
But if Khun’s reputation is what they are so concerned about, Khun couldn’t care less. It doesn’t matter if everyone hates him, if netizens are so keen on getting him out of the country. It doesn’t matter as long as he still has Wooyoung. He kept asking himself if he is being selfish by thinking this way.
“That doesn’t matter”
“What?”
“I don’t care about my reputation”
The producer stared at him in disbelief, Khun didn’t used to be like this, why is he so ready to throw everything he worked so hard for just like this?
For a moment, Nichkhun thought that he successfully trumps over the producer, but the last point that he makes is when it finally hits home.
"If this leaks out, there is a potential that it will jeopardize not only your future, but also Wooyoung's too. You might have it more lenient since you're not a Korean citizen, but imagine what it will do to Wooyoung. At least you still have Thailand to run to and they will accept you with open arms. What about Wooyoung? I’m sure you wouldn’t jeopardize Wooyoung’s future like that."
Khun knew that Park Jin Young have hit the right spot in his conscience. If theres anything in the world he could give up anything for, it is Jang Wooyoung, and if there is anything he has to do to keep that boy smiling, he will do it. Even at the expense of his feelings, soul and his future.
“Why me? Why do I have to do this?” He said dejectedly, after he knew that nothing he said will change what has been planned and decided for him.
"You know how stubborn Wooyoung is, when he is determined you cannot talk sense into that boy. You're the sensible one out of the two Khun, I'm sure you will make a good decision for not only both of you, but also the group and the company."
So he would have to step all over someone’s heart to set things straight? not one, but two?
JYP smiled, reading the look on the boy's face, he knew he have succeeded reasoning out with him, now all he got to do is watch all this unfold. He is the puppeteer afterall.
"Think of it as an acting practice Khun. Maybe if she ended up falling for you we'll give you a chance to do an acting debut" He said lightly.
When it comes to this, does he really think Khun still gives a damn about some acting debut? Really?
“That is all, and please keep this conversation private, because you know what Wooyoung will do if he knew what I said to you”
Yes, he knew, and he doesn’t need the producer to remind him.
When he came back into the studio, Wooyoung halted in the middle of his dance steps and approached him hurriedly.
“Hyung, what was it about? Did you get into trouble?”
“Oh nothing, just that they want me on We Got Married” he said and ended it with a light shrug like it doesn’t mean anything.
“And you agreed?” Something flickers in Wooyoung's eyes, and Khun is doing his hardest not to look into his eyes, but in his mental eyes he could imagine Wooyoung's disappointed eyes.
“They said it’s good for exposure, look at how well Kwon is doing now because of it.”
“And you agreed just like that?” A look of pain starts to fill that face, and Khun isn’t sure he can handle it.
“Let’s practice, its getting late” He said quickly, before patting the smaller man on the shoulders and walked away briskly to the others to join in their dance practice, taking big strides so he wouldn’t hear the sound of Wooyoung’s heart shattering when it hits the ground.
He stopped talking to him for a few weeks save for a few words exchanged each day, their interactions was only when fanservice is needed, and Wooyoung does it through gritted teeth and forceful smiles. The only thing that kept Khun sane is the thought that he is doing this all for him.
“You two suits each other” He had said with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, before turning his back and walked into the solitude of his own room, away from the living room where the boys was watching his very first We Got Married appearance.
Somehow, hearing his own heart crashing down to the ground to a million pieces sounds more comforting. A sound he prefers hearing over and over, as long as he wouldn’t have to hear Wooyoung’s fragile heart breaking.
Because if there is anything in this world that could make Nichkhun Horvejkul stop and throw everything away, it is all encompassed in that one being that is Jang Wooyoung.
It's not like he hates her. She's a very nice girl, big hearted and charming, albeit her tendency to act a little cutesy for whats appropriate for her age. If he had met her before he met Wooyoung, he is almost certain that he is likely fall for her, may it be the way her eyes twinkles when he looks at her, or the way she pouts when she is angry and won't admit it.
But it is starting to feel like a chore, smiling and giggling with her all for the sake of the show, acting all gentlemanly and holding her hand whenever they get in or out of a bus or a train, all the while inwardly scoffing at the reality of this supposed to be 'reality TV show'. It's not like he doesn't like her, but he couldn't help but feel frustrated about this whole ordeal.
He's starting to feel guilty being the subject of her attention, sandwiches, coffees, and everything else nice and lovely. Starting to feel guilty that he can never return the gesture sincerely, for when he does all the gentlemanly things to her, it's not even for the sake of the show and its ratings, but to shield his own messed up life.
He was starting to feel sorry for her, that he have to lie that he's enjoying all this interaction between them, starting to feel sorry that she put so much effort into this little vacation of theirs, having to research him all over the internet and the likes. Even when she said that she saw that huswife captioned picture of him and Wooyoung, Khun laughed it off like its no big deal and kept smiling quietly, all the while wanting to burst and tell the whole world that Wooyoung is the one he wanted to be with right at that moment.
It's not like he wants to lie to her. It's not like he's delibrately doing this for his own sake, but in the end of the day, everything is still his fault. It burdens him to know that even if he get out of this unscathed with his reputation intact, he would've broken not one, but two hearts.
He wonders how long he can keep this lie up, he is getting afraid that soon enough, all the lies would tangle up all together so messy that the only way possible to get out of it is to cut off all the threads. Call him selfish, but he's just isn't ready to let go.
"Hyung, they called you to the office" Junho had approached him right away when he and Wooyoung arrived into the studio. He is expecting a scolding for bringing Wooyoung out so late into the night when they have to practice for the Wonder Girls concert, something JYP had built to pave their way to the American market. Missing it means he isn't respecting the producer's good intentions for 2PM's future, but he gotten so frustrated with the choreography that he had kidnapped Wooyoung for a good half hour stroll outside of the building. They were having a break anyway, so Khun didn't think it would lead to this.
But when he walked off with Wooyoung back to the doors they just came from, Junho stopped them again.
"Just you Hyung."
The three of them exchanged confused looks, after a shrug from Junho, Khun realised that the other boy hasn't got a clue what this is all might be about. So he patted Wooyoung's shoulders and stalked off to the door.
"But hyung..." he protested, but being cut-off in midair.
"I'll deal with this Woo, just stay here and I'll come back soon." With that he closed the door behind him before Wooyoung could utter another word of protest.
Walking down the corridor to the director's office is always a journey filled with uncertainties, endless guessing and heart that beats too quickly for it to be normal. For the days where he knew 2PM is doing well, especially the days where they brought back awards and such, the walk would feel so much quicker, but not today. Even as he picked up his walking pace, the journey felt neverending.
The door creaks eerily as Khun opened it, sometimes he and the boys like to joke that they never oiled the door just to create that eerie atmosphere surrounding that room, so that any trainee or artist that is ever called there will think twice before they start up another trouble.
"Khun, Jin Young Hyung wants to talk to you in person. I've set up a conference call for you." their manager said upon him entering that room.
"Hyung, do you know what this is about?" As Khun has somewhat expected, Minjae shook his head apologetically.
"Sorry, and good luck!" he said, before exiting that room, leaving Khun face to face with a big screen with the image of Park Jin Young.
"Have a seat" he said. Nichkhun took a seat in the chair in front of a huge desk, all the while trying so hard to read the producer's face and seek any possible hint to what this talk is going to be about.
"You got an offer to be in We Got Married, and we accepted it for you"
"WHAT?" He yelled unconsciously and stood up immediately.
"How can you decide this without telling me??" He asked, even though he fully knew that he, like anyone in this company is just a pawn in the company's game. The contract that binds them lets the company decide everything for them if it is seen as an act for their own good.
"Calm down and sit back down." JYP ordered, Khun have no other choice but do so, it's funny how much control he have on them even when he is not physically there.
"Don't for a moment think that I dont know whats been going on now that I am not in Korea. I have my sources and I know what kind of relationship you have with Wooyoung."
He stayed quiet as the producer continues, he is not in a place to say anything, not after that revelation that just came out from the producer's projection in the screen in the middle of the room.
"This is a chance for you to set your record straight in front of the Korean media and your fans. Our staffs aren't the only ones that realize your extreme closeness with Wooyoung. I've been monitoring the netizens and they have been suspecting the both of you for a while. It doesn't help when you do skinship so openly in public, Khun."
"But they think its fanservice!" Khun answered back in high intensity, even though he knew fighting is next to futile but he couldn't help but wanting to fight to the end for this one. just for this one.
"There is a limit to what fanservice is, and the look on your eyes betray everything.” JYP reasoned out, heaved a sigh before continuing.
"Think of the consequences that you might have to suffer if Korea thinks you're gay Khun. Korea is highly homophobic, so once they knew, you're out of the industry. Don't think for a moment that because you grew up in the US that they will spare you. You know how harsh Korean netizens can be. Was Jay's incident not bad enough for you to learn not to anger the netizens?"
“Imagine what would happen, to you, and to 2PM. The reputation we so painstakingly built for you will be shattered, and your condition will be worse than what you started out before we took you in. I’m not letting a start of another Jay incident.”
He is right, Khun thought to himself. If this breaks out, he would not just be one person in a sea of strangers, but that sea of strangers will swallow him whole with disapproving looks that pierce to his whole being and muted whispers, where words aren’t clear but the effect is tenfold.
But if Khun’s reputation is what they are so concerned about, Khun couldn’t care less. It doesn’t matter if everyone hates him, if netizens are so keen on getting him out of the country. It doesn’t matter as long as he still has Wooyoung. He kept asking himself if he is being selfish by thinking this way.
“That doesn’t matter”
“What?”
“I don’t care about my reputation”
The producer stared at him in disbelief, Khun didn’t used to be like this, why is he so ready to throw everything he worked so hard for just like this?
For a moment, Nichkhun thought that he successfully trumps over the producer, but the last point that he makes is when it finally hits home.
"If this leaks out, there is a potential that it will jeopardize not only your future, but also Wooyoung's too. You might have it more lenient since you're not a Korean citizen, but imagine what it will do to Wooyoung. At least you still have Thailand to run to and they will accept you with open arms. What about Wooyoung? I’m sure you wouldn’t jeopardize Wooyoung’s future like that."
Khun knew that Park Jin Young have hit the right spot in his conscience. If theres anything in the world he could give up anything for, it is Jang Wooyoung, and if there is anything he has to do to keep that boy smiling, he will do it. Even at the expense of his feelings, soul and his future.
“Why me? Why do I have to do this?” He said dejectedly, after he knew that nothing he said will change what has been planned and decided for him.
"You know how stubborn Wooyoung is, when he is determined you cannot talk sense into that boy. You're the sensible one out of the two Khun, I'm sure you will make a good decision for not only both of you, but also the group and the company."
So he would have to step all over someone’s heart to set things straight? not one, but two?
JYP smiled, reading the look on the boy's face, he knew he have succeeded reasoning out with him, now all he got to do is watch all this unfold. He is the puppeteer afterall.
"Think of it as an acting practice Khun. Maybe if she ended up falling for you we'll give you a chance to do an acting debut" He said lightly.
When it comes to this, does he really think Khun still gives a damn about some acting debut? Really?
“That is all, and please keep this conversation private, because you know what Wooyoung will do if he knew what I said to you”
Yes, he knew, and he doesn’t need the producer to remind him.
When he came back into the studio, Wooyoung halted in the middle of his dance steps and approached him hurriedly.
“Hyung, what was it about? Did you get into trouble?”
“Oh nothing, just that they want me on We Got Married” he said and ended it with a light shrug like it doesn’t mean anything.
“And you agreed?” Something flickers in Wooyoung's eyes, and Khun is doing his hardest not to look into his eyes, but in his mental eyes he could imagine Wooyoung's disappointed eyes.
“They said it’s good for exposure, look at how well Kwon is doing now because of it.”
“And you agreed just like that?” A look of pain starts to fill that face, and Khun isn’t sure he can handle it.
“Let’s practice, its getting late” He said quickly, before patting the smaller man on the shoulders and walked away briskly to the others to join in their dance practice, taking big strides so he wouldn’t hear the sound of Wooyoung’s heart shattering when it hits the ground.
He stopped talking to him for a few weeks save for a few words exchanged each day, their interactions was only when fanservice is needed, and Wooyoung does it through gritted teeth and forceful smiles. The only thing that kept Khun sane is the thought that he is doing this all for him.
“You two suits each other” He had said with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, before turning his back and walked into the solitude of his own room, away from the living room where the boys was watching his very first We Got Married appearance.
Somehow, hearing his own heart crashing down to the ground to a million pieces sounds more comforting. A sound he prefers hearing over and over, as long as he wouldn’t have to hear Wooyoung’s fragile heart breaking.
Because if there is anything in this world that could make Nichkhun Horvejkul stop and throw everything away, it is all encompassed in that one being that is Jang Wooyoung.
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