N is for Nightmares

When you needed me…

“Hey y…come here often?”

I smirked at him, tilting my head just enough to give myself a more alluring look. My dress as I crossed my legs to show off more of thigh.

“Not too often…perhaps…you could show me...a good time,” I implied as my fingers walked up his arm seductively.

“Of course,” he said with a smirk on his face as he pulled me into a room.

The night ended with him pounding into my body for an hour before I got the information I wanted and buried a bullet in the back of his skull. With the same smirk he gave me earlier, I stuck my gun into my leg strap and wrapped my coat around me as I left.

…I was there for you.

~

I locked you away…

“Excellent job, Kit. Your training is coming along perfectly,” Appa praised as he ordered another group of men to attack me.

With determined eyes, I fought them off.

Even though my body ached beyond reason…

Even though I had injuries everywhere…

I fought with everything that I had to become the machine that Appa wanted me to be.

Because I had to make him happy if I were to stay with him.

After all, I had no one else.

So I would make him happy, even if it meant killing people.

…so you wouldn’t have to suffer.

~

I kept your memories…

So dark.

And alone.

It was always dark and alone.

No matter what I did, I was always alone.

If I even so much as made a noise, my parents would hit me and tell me to be quiet.

So I stopped speaking.

Even if all I wanted was for someone to hear me, I would never say a word because I would be hit if I spoke.

Even after I was left alone, I couldn’t call out to you.

Such memories…

…that you didn’t want to remember.

~

I held all the thoughts…

When you lost your parents and couldn’t even call out to them.

When you thought YoungJae was dead and no one else could possibly care for you again.

When Appa yelled at you and called you all sorts of names such as useless and garbage.

When you hit rock bottom and had no one.

When you just wanted to give up on everything.

…you had for suicide.

~

Die.

It’s not fair that I should feel this way.

I never did anything wrong.

It’s everyone else in the world that deserves to feel pain.

I don’t want to be the only one that feels pain.

I never did anything wrong.

I don’t deserve this.

Everyone else is at fault.

It’s not my fault.

Suffer.

~

YoungJae stared blankly at the words on the paper. He swallowed in an attempt to get rid of the dryness in his throat. HimChan had handed him the paper of the things Kae would write when she woke up from a nightmare. The poor girl had been unable to sleep well for a week now. To keep her and YoungJae safe, YongGuk and HimChan had decided to separate them. To keep an eye on her, the two oldest moved Kae into their room. YongGuk let Kae have his bed while he slept on the floor. Whenever Kae woke up from a nightmare, YongGuk had her write down.

None of them could have predicted they would be so dark and twisted.

After she would write them down, she’d forget them immediately. No matter how much they tried to ask her about them again, she wouldn’t be able to recall the nightmares.

YongGuk was starting to doubt if they were really nightmares or if they were actually memories she had. If that were true, YoungJae would much prefer them to be nightmares. He didn’t want to believe that Kae had gone through so much.

He held the papers to his forehead and took a deep, shaking sigh. When he did his research, he found that the major cause of dissociative identity disorder is childhood trauma. He would have never thought Kae would have so many traumatic experiences.

Without realizing where his feet was taking him, he found himself in the TS workout room. Screaming in frustration, he began a barrage of attacks on the poor punching bag. When he finally wore himself out, he slid onto the floor and hung his head between his knees. He said he would help her. He promised. But what was he supposed to do now? Just wait until YongGuk gets into medical school so he can use their resources to help Kae?

Suddenly, a strong hand patted his back.

Had YoungJae been his usual self, he would have popped up immediately in self-defense and prepared a fighting stance. However, he was so dejected that he merely lifted his head to see who was invading his space.

“TaeSung-sshi…”

“It’s gonna be okay, YoungJae…Kae will get through this.”

“How can you be so sure?” YoungJae swallowed the lump in his throat. “Every time I just look at her, there’s a shimmer of pain in her eyes. Like just the sight of me brings back bad memories or guilt or suffering or-”

“I know because we’re going to all put our heads together and solve this problem. Why don’t I take Kae for a few days so she has a bit of change of scenery? You can come over too if you’d like, too. I think you were onto something when you suggested a strong father figure in her life again,” TaeSung suggested with reassurance. YoungJae nodded silently.

The older man smiled. “Come on, YoungJae…we can go grab Kae right now and get your stuff so you two can sleepover for a few days.”

“Thank you…”

=====================================================================

Short chapter is short. :(

I don’t like this chapter.

It brought me much pain writing it but it was important.

~Kira :3