The following two weeks, I couldn’t bear to look at Baekhyun at all.

After that little episode, I had made every effort to avoid crossing paths with him, though my attempts couldn’t help but fail every time I was forced to endure hours of having him sit behind me in class. I felt his eyes boring into my back sometimes, a sensation that made me guilty and uneasy.

We never said a word to each other, for even hearing the softest whisper of his voice made my heart clench, while gazing too long at his eyes could make my limbs falter. I knew it was killing him as much as it was killing me to avoid him, but I had no choice. Although I was sure that I don’t love him anymore, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt Luhan, and neither could I hurt Soojin by taking away the boy she loved. The two of us, once so close, was now being held apart by the two people we once thought we liked.

I did my best to keep a cheerful exterior for the sake of Luhan, but he wasn’t a fool to fall for my fake smiles and forced laughs. He confronted me about it once, when we were in the sanctuary of the rooftop and there were no prying ears that could overhear us. I brushed off his concerns as best I could without seeming rude. It got Luhan to stop, but I could see the tell-tale glimmer in his eyes that he didn’t believe me.

After that, he became more and more attached to me. I barely went through a day without having him suddenly appear by my side, and I do admit it pained me to see him act this way. I wished that he would get tired of me, hoped that another girl would make him turn his head to look at her. It was tearing me apart to see him like this: so in love with me while I no longer reciprocated his feelings.

He must had known it too for I could see the extra efforts he was expending to please me. Luhan would sacrifice anything for me, going as far as skipping soccer practices just so he could walk me home and spend time with me. I vehemently forbade him for cancelling meetings with Yixing and Sehun for my sake though, fearing that they might think that I was too possessive of him. When he took me on dates, he always insisted to pay, though I did manage to secretly slip in my share to the waiter whenever he was distracted by something else. He carried my things for me, held my hand when we cross the road, and was always gentle with me. I do admit that his gestures made me feel warm and cared for, but sometimes, I would see Baekhyun doing the same to Soojin, and the pain would come rushing in again.

My life for those past two weeks was torture. I couldn’t look at Luhan without feeling this anxious guilt, and I couldn’t look at Baekhyun without feeling that knife swipe at my heart again. There was once when I wondered if he had fallen out of love with me, if his feelings for me had reverted back to the platonic. Despite how much it tore me apart, I hoped and hoped, for I couldn’t bear to see Soojin look at him with such undying love in her eyes, while he stared at me with the utmost longing.

It was a complicated and gruesome love triangle, and I was doomed to be a part of it.

A month had passed since Luhan’s confession, and two weeks had flown by since Baekhyun declared his feelings to me. I was still avoiding him, and I found that if I don’t look at his face for too long, the pain was bearable enough for me to suppress.

The student population of Seoul Academy had officially dubbed Luhan and me as the A-list couple, a title that I cringed at whenever I heard the slightest mention of it. Luhan and I weren’t the perfect the couple; surely a couple where one’s feelings weren’t reciprocated by the other was far from that description.

 Baekhyun and Soojin had grown famous as well, but sometimes, I would hear those little rumours, hushed whispers in the corners of a room questioning why Baekhyun and I had grown increasingly distant. A lot speculated that we had grown apart due to the time we spent with our respective lovers; they didn’t know about the actual reason and scandalous drama that lay underneath. I intended to keep it that way.

When Baekhyun and I finally had some form of contact again, it was –I regretted to say –via Soojin. As always, I was with Luhan, who was, at that current moment, busy entertaining me with a story about the event that had transpired between Sehun and Yixing the day before. I was busy laughing at their escapades when Soojin suddenly popped up in front of us, towing Baekhyun with her.

The laughter drained from me, and once again we were back to this game where I tried to avoid his eyes while he tried his best to catch my gaze. I cursed myself for allowing Luhan to lead me into this route.

“Hey guys,” she chirped, eyes twinkling merrily. I noticed the arm she had latched around Baekhyun’s and bit back the rush of jealousy in me.

“Hi,” Luhan responded for the both of us, giving her a pleasant smile in greeting.

“Aw, they’re right,” Soojin cooed, eyes darting between the two of us playfully, “you two do look cute.”

Luhan laughed and I, for the sake of my facade, I followed suit. I glanced at him and noticed the tinge of red on his ears. “And so do you,” he said, returning the compliment. “You and Baekhyun suit each other very well.”

I risked a glance at Baekhyun to gauge his reaction. He had on a poker face: his expression was blank and his eyes were glazed. Soojin was grinning at the compliment and I noticed the tighter hold she now had on Baekhyun. I tore my gaze away from their linked arms and towards Soojin instead.

“Something we can help you with?” I asked politely.

“Actually, I have a proposition,” Soojin said, unlinking her arm from Baekhyun and stepping closer to me. I noticed that Baekhyun considerably relaxed after she withdrew physical contact with him. I turned my attention to Soojin again, who was leaning forwards excitedly. “Do you know about the fireworks they’re playing at the river?”

Yes I did, though the time spent wallowing in my grief had made me forget the occasion. It was going to play this Saturday at 9PM. I remembered hearing a few girls chattering about it in class.

I nodded in response to the question.

“Great!” Soojin beamed. “I was thinking that we could double date; you and Luhan-sunbae, Baekhyun and me. We haven’t talked for a while. It’ll be great to catch up.”

I wanted to decline the offer; to spend the whole night in the company of Baekhyun was going to be unendurable torture. It was going to reopen wounds that I had been forcing to close, and it was certainly going to reawaken the feelings I had for him that I worked hard to forget. I had lost my voice; I couldn’t speak.

It was Luhan who ended up answering for the both of us. “That sounds great!”

Soojin grinned. “Pick us up at 7. I’ll come over to Yoora’s and we can get ready there. You’re okay with that, aren’t you?”

I forced a smile onto my face, given no choice but to agree.

“Settled then. I’ll bring my hair curlers,” she joked, winking at me.

And that was how I set myself up for a whole night that was going to be filled with pain and regret.

I was walking alone in the hallways, arms wrapped tightly around myself as I turned my head left and right. After taking such careful precautions to avoid both Luhan and Baekhyun, I couldn’t risk myself to be seen by either of them or their friends.

My encounter with Baekhyun had left me unable to concentrate for the whole day. I missed him –terribly­. I missed his jokes, his inclination to annoy me and his cheesy lines. I missed hearing him play in the music room, his long, slender fingers plucking a tune from the strings of the guitar as he accompanied the melody with his enchanting voice. I missed hearing him speak, laughing as he threaded his fingers through my hair while ruffling it. To see him by Soojin, when he should be with me, was silently and softly killing me.

My overwhelming feelings for Baekhyun had made me want to wallow in my misery alone, escape from Luhan for a while as I gathered myself and got my head straight. I lied to him, saying that I needed to get home early and that he didn’t need to walk me, while in truth, I was hiding in one of the girls’ toilets for a full hour while waiting for the whole school to leave.

I had no idea why, but I just had to go to the music room again. I wanted to step onto the soft carpet and stare at the small but homely state of the room while recalling memories of the past, when Baekhyun sung and played for only me and not some other girl publicly proclaimed to be his girlfriend.

My footsteps echoed throughout the empty hallway as I crossed past several classrooms and ascended up the stairwell. The school could be described as many things –large, prestigious, luxurious –but the only way to describe it now was mysterious and empty. I wrapped my arms around my body as I made my way to the east wing. The silence overwhelmed me, gave me room to think. I tried to convince myself to turn back, to head home like a normal student and let everything that happened today get washed away by a warm shower. However, my feelings thrived over common sense; I had to go to that room, even though it meant torturing myself with the past.

My train of thought carried all the way to the music room and before I knew it, I was standing in front of the door, clutching the knob tightly in my fingers as before I twisted it open. The creak of the hinges seemed to resound throughout the whole school. An empty room greeted me as I poked my head in, calm, serene –a direct contrast to the lively and cheerful atmosphere that Baekhyun and Chanyeol created with their music.

I stepped in, quietly closing the door behind me. Baekhyun so frequently visited here that it felt like his presence always seemed to linger within its walls. I could almost smell a hint of his cologne, intermingled with the flowery smell of the floor cleaner. I stood in the middle as I took in every corner of the room.

The ledge by the window was where he would sit when he was angry, guitar propped up on his lap as he strummed out fast-paced, violent melodies that floated out of the open window. A bag of his favourite chips and a quiet companion who would listen to his rambles would calm him, and at the end of the day, he would be back to his normal self again, gracing the room with one last performance before leaving.

The upright piano backed against the right wall was where he would sit when he felt inspired, fingers flying across the keys as he murmured out the notes and scribbled them onto a music sheet –something which he would quickly hide whenever he caught me peeking. The two microphone stands in middle of the room was where he would pretend to hold concerts, imagining that I was his audience and flashing winks and smiles at me as Chanyeol inserted dry comments about the insufferable gestures he called fanservice. I would join him and we would snigger in amusement at Baekhyun’s indignant attempts to insist that that was how it was supposed to be done.

The two chairs that faced each other on my right were where he and Chanyeol composed their melodies. That spot was where Baekhyun spent most of his time, and the proof was on the chair itself: worn, with a cushion that was already soft and sunken from years of being sat on. Baekhyun would always sit on the right, Chanyeol, the left, and the two stands that stood by the two chairs were where they propped their guitars up during break. I knew that there was a third chair pushed back next to the tall cabinet, a chair that Baekhyun pulled out to accommodate me whenever I decided to watch them practice.

I made my way towards it. The walk to get across the room felt like a thousand mile hike, every step sending up shoots of nostalgia in me. If I closed my eyes, I could almost hear the sound of soft guitar strings being plucked, coaxed and transformed into a melody that seeped into my soul and embedded itself into my heart. Something shone on one of the seats as it caught the light.

I furrowed my brows and quickened my steps, stopping abruptly when I realised that it was actually a CD, resting neatly on Baekhyun’s chair. I hesitantly reached out to take it. He couldn’t have left it here; it was too intentionally placed. And besides, if it was important, Baekhyun would never drop it. In fact, it would never even be taken out at all if it was a document of the utmost urgency.

I turned the CD jewel case in my fingers, letting it catch the light again. It was placed, definitely placed. I gently opened the cover and lifted the CD; a little piece of paper fluttered towards the ground in front of my feet.

I had no idea why but my fingers were trembling. My heart hammered against my chest; I knew he had left it here deliberately for me to find. I couldn’t think straight; the sound of my heart was too loud in my ears, echoing throughout the room. Slowly, fearfully, I turned the note to read its contents.

For you, Yoora.

I regret everything that happened, and I certainly hate the fact that I can’t give this to you in person. But I know that if I try, you won’t take it. There’s a CD player under the chair. Even if you don’t like it, please listen to it, just once. For me.

I’m sorry... for hurting you... for everything.

Love,

Baekhyun

I clutched the note, momentarily blinded by the tears that were pooling inside my eyes. The melancholy of this note opened a fresh wound, and I couldn’t help but close my eyes to try and keep the tears from escaping. Taking in a shuddering breath, I carefully set the note and the CD on the chair before bending down to retrieve the CD player underneath it. Handling it like how a child would handle her favourite toy, I carefully eased myself onto one of the chairs and set the player gently on my lap. The lid popped open at the lightest touch of the button, and with trembling fingers I slipped the CD in and the headphones into my ears.

Baekhyun’s lone voice, accompanied by the soft melody of the piano and guitar, filled my ears, engulfed my senses. His voice rose and fell to form an undulating melody, every pitch perfect, b with emotion. I could tell he meant every word he sung, that his emotions were raw and pure. Grief, sorrow and regret all intermingled to form a perfect composition, hauntingly beautiful, with lyrics that seemed to strike my inner soul.

I lifted my feet onto the seat and hugged my knees, burying my face into them.

I knew it; I knew that this was the song that Baekhyun wrote.

For someone whom I’m going to love until the end of time.

I let the tears fall down my cheeks throughout the whole song.