Home is where the Heart is
Hopes Die Last
”We're here.” I said as I unlocked the door of my flat. I deeply inhaled the light aroma of jasmine that lingered in the air of the living room.
“Do you live by your own?” U-kwon exclaimed as he observed the new surroundings “Looks cozy.”
“Yeah, all alone in the big city.” I could not help but immediately feel awkward and stiff given the fact that I had never brought anyone to my flat apart from my dad and few friends. My feet felt sore and I was eager to slip out of my high heels and stretched my feet one by one. Indeed it felt refreshing to come back home after a rough night. What still bothered me though was the boy’s presence as I was not used to have somebody else at home. U-kwon took his old and shabby-looking sneakers off and followed me inside.
“Do you want something to drink?” The atmosphere felt ever so uncomfortable once I had to speak. At least I had not forgotten the basic manners of hospitality.
“A cup of tea would be good, I guess... It’s a nice place you live in. Can I look around? I’m going to live here after all, right?” At least he tried his best to liven the situation.
“You're staying here only for a night and you already 'live' here.”, I laughed, “Come with me at the kitchen then.”
“What flavour do you like?” I opened the special cabinet, where I kept the tea.
“The one that you like the most." and when he saw my confused and soon after that disapproving expression, he replaced his grin with a neutral face and added “I don't mind.”
Soon the two pearly white cups were filled with bitter green tea that let out fragrant steam, descending upwards in little tangling strings and disappearing in the air. I placed the metal tray on the wooden coffee table in the living room and invited Yukwon to sit on the couch.
“Something to eat?”
“You treat me so well, it already feels as if you're my mother.” Yukwon exclaimed.
“You are a guest and guests must be treated nice.” I smiled at him and sipped the drink.
We drank the tea and chatted nonchalantly. There wasn’t actually anything that we could talk about because we did not even know each other. He might have been a psychopath, a serial killer or whatnot. Silly to let a stranger in my house without getting to know him first but that was what I was. Always too kind to people who I thought deserved kindness. And it was Kim Yukwon that we talked about. That did not make him less of a stranger but at least I had seen his overall behaviour from what I had witnessed on concerts and fan cams. It was still uncomfortable for me to talk to him, he was one of my most-loved biases back then, after all. Not to speak that we even kissed. Awkward.
“Since you're a guest, you'll sleep on the couch.” I said and pointed at the big and upholstered champagne-coloured sofa.
“Aren't you supposed to offer me your bed instead?” I certainly did not want him to set foot in my room. My bedroom was the only place where the only person lived and slep there was me.
“I would not like you to enter my room. It’s a forbidden area. I'm sorry." I smiled awkwardly.
“Now that I think of it, you don't have to be sorry. That's your personal space and you're the one who is writing the rules here. I perfectly understand, I apologize.” He lowered his head in shame, I supposed and suddenly I felt I might have been too harsh with my words but I was quite protective over my personal stuff.
“I'll be right back.” I announced and went to take bed sheets and pillows for my guest.
When I got back at the living room I saw Yukwon already fallen asleep, still sitting on the couch. ‘He must have been tired…’ I thought and left the sheets on his so-called bed. I could not leave him like that so I nudged his shoulder.
“Yukwon,” I whispered softly and shook him lightly. He didn't move at all. “Yukwon,” I shook him harder but to no avail. “Is that guy dead?” I eventually gave up on my pointless attempts to wake him up so I covered him with the blanket I had brought. I carefully leaned in to put a pillow behind his head but I felt a strong arm grabbing mine and I collapsed right on top of the boy. “What do you think you're doing?” I heard myself screech and hit his chest. Then my body froze once I realized that our faces were too close to each other. So close that the tip of my nose almost touched his and I could feel his warm breath grazing my skin.
With his arms firmly embracing my figure, he said “You appear as a completely different person when you're on the dance floor, do you know that?” That man and his bipolar personality. Two minutes ago, we would talk calmly, but now I was questioning my own thoughts and feelings as his seductive voice sent shivers all over my body. “And you make people fall for you so easily...” His eyes dug holes right in my soul and I could not tear my gaze from his. It was too intense, too intoxicating. “What you said back in the club hurt me, Jihye.” The way he said my name...It made me think of doing something wrong, right there, while laying on top of him. Perhaps the alcohol still had its grip on me.
“What have I said?”
“You don't remember?”
“No, I was drunk and I think I still am.”
“You said there's nothing between us. It was painful for me to hear.” My cheeks turned rosy pink, my blood heated every single millimeter of my body. Perhaps he was really a psychotic obsessed person, who tended to assume things too early.
“I said this because...”
He cut me off “Did you like it?” His question out of the blue somehow startled me. Sure it was absolutely clear to me what was the question referring to, I just did not want to admit to myself that I might have partly enjoyed the feeling of his lips on mine. It was merely one kiss but it still made me doubt my own intentions and feelings towards a guy I had just met.
It was just like a fairytale, wasn’t it? Letting oneself freely float on the waves of the love at first sight, wasn’t it that like a fictional story, being only possible in our imagination? After what took me about a minute, I came to the conclusion that I wanted to confirm his words. Fortunately, I stopped myself before I did something silly as that. It felt like steam was coming out of my ears, that nervous I was.
"Like what?"
"That." He quickly sat up and proceeded to lay a kiss on my lips. This time I was sane enough to back off and protect myself although I also felt the urge to lean in and respond to his request. My heartbeat was racing like a scared mouse who has been chased by a cunning cat.
“You're a bad liar, Jihye.” Despite my reaction, he obviously did not want to give up. The why did he gave up on his friends back then?
“What? I haven't lied for anything!”
“Of course you did. You lied Taeil hyung that there's nothing between us.”
"Because there is not.” I answered curtly, without even trusting my own words but I felt I had to. It was not right to do this. “I'm tired. We'll meet tomorrow morning, Yukwon. Good night!" U-kwon was seemingly disappointed but I did not let his pouty face soften my heart and turned away quickly, heading to my room.
Emptiness engulfed my body once I closed and locked the door to my bedroom. My eyes fell on the familiar sight of the welcoming bed. Until then, I hadn’t realized actually how tired my body was so I quickly slipped in comfortable sleeping clothes and drifted to deep slumber not long after. That night I locked my thoughts about him deeply in my mind. Only that way I could protect myself and my feelings.
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