*

The room is lit by fairy lights hung on the wall, it's an empty room with only a white loveseat in the middle. The floors creak with each step I take, the snow knocks on the windows every now and then, asking for welcome. " It's cold inside too, there's no point. " I say to the snow. I place my palm on the frozen glass, the cold biting my skin. My hand shys away, " I'm sorry you can't come in ". The snow stops knocking, I see it frowning. It's a white abyss, a plain of nothingness.

" How does it feel standing in the bottom of your heart ? " A voice sounds out.

My heart ?

" You don't believe what you see do you ? You won't admit that without Ricky, your heart will grow cold. " Came the voice

Ricky? I stared at out the window. It wasn't a plain of nothingness, it was a plain of loneliness and longing. The voice was right. Without Ricky, my heart would grow cold. A butterfly wouldn't be able to stand such temperatures, it needs someone to keep him warm in such a cruel weather.

" That's what you say but you are the cruel weather that will kill Ricky, does that show you love him ? " The voice continued, it's words burning itself into my skull.

Am I being fair to Ricky ? 

I looked down at my feet, biting back tears. But I love him so much, what am I to do without him ? The voice's words rang in my head and I felt dizzy. My vision was getting blurry and I couldn't stand. Soon, my legs gave way and my bottom met the frozen wood. As my tears fell, they turned to ice and shattered against the floor. I didn't want to believe that all this while I was being selfish to Ricky, desperately wanting him to love me when he loved someone else.

I heard footsteps approaching me, and the air get warmer but I couldn't care less. I needed an answer for myself.

" Why do you weep for willows that have already dance their life away ? " This voice. This voice was different from the previous one.

The figure kneeled down beside me, and embraced me. This warmth.

" Why do you long for memories that have already come to pass ? "

I looked up at the figure and I saw a familiar face. His face was distorted, I could make out certain emotions but they were all hateful, undesirable ones.

" Am I ugly ? " He asked.

I wanted to say 'Yes' but for fear of offending him I remained silent. He brushed my tears aside, ever so gingerly as if I were to break at the slightest touch. This smell, I was so drawn to it. I leaned into his embrace, inhaling more. He smelled so good, so warm, he was like home.

" No you're not. " I finally said, I could feel him smile at my answer. He pulled away to look at me.

Ricky.

I lunged forward into a kiss, I knew he was the one the way our lips molded so perfectly together. How I was calloused and he was smooth. My tongue found his and they danced , in a passion I had never knew I had. This was the closest I'll be and I just wanted to relish this moment forever but he pulled away looking at me sadly.

" I love you hyung, but you know I cannot stay. " His right hand caressed my cheek and his left hand held my mine. He tightened his grip before letting go. He stood up to walk away and I was frozen , unable to move my legs. I called out for him, shouting

" Ricky ! "

" Ricky ! "

" Hyung ! "

" Ricky ! "

---

" RICKY ! " My eyes shot open, darting towards Ricky who was lying down on the hospital bed, in a peaceful coma. Was that all a dream ? I rubbed my temples, groaning at the sudden headache. Neil massaged my shoulders, " Hyung, take it easy. Don't take all this stress on your own. We're all in the same team, let us share your burden. " I looked up at him, smiling gratefully.

" Thank you. "

I stood up to stretch, hearing the crack in my bones. I must've fallen asleep. I excused myself to the toilet to wash up, I got a serious wake up call looking into the mirror. I was in terrible state, my eyes were red and puffy, skin dull and swelled up, stubble starting to form. I needed to get home and clean up properly. I washed my face and took a quick pee before returning to the boys that were crowded around  Ricky. It seemed like they heard what the doctor had to say too, they were saying encouraging words and wishing Ricky. I didn't feel like disturbing the peaceful moment, so I stood in a corner like a stalker  and observed the scene.

When they were done, I went forward and looked at Ricky's face. He does seem brighter today.

" The doctor said he was healing remarkably. If he wakes up, he can be discharged in a day or two. " Chunji said, brushing Ricky's bangs away to clean his face with a wet towel.

" You should get home and clean up, you look like you need it. " Changjo said, making a face, " You look sort of homeless with that get up. "

Everyone couldn't help but let out a big laugh, even I felt that way and that was saying something. " Will you kids be alright by yourself ? "

" Hahaha, yes dad we will. " Everyone replied in unison. I was at ease leaving Ricky with my dongsaengs.

---

" Ya have you seen L.Joe ? " Chunji asked , still cleaning Ricky up.

" I have no idea, I haven't seen him since yesterday afternoon " Chirped Neil, who was rearranging flowers he had bought from the nearby florists

" Me neither, since he sent me that text to pick up his stuff from his apartment that was the last time we communicated. It was in L.Joe hyung's apartment that we found Ricky like this. Now that I think about it... Do you think he has something to do with it ? " Changjo's voice almost a whisper, whipping out his phone to show them the text messages.

~

04 : 28 pm

To : Dancing Boy

--------------------------------

Yo changjo, where are you ?

~

04 : 30 pm

To : L.Joe Hyung

---------------------------------

Nearby the dorm, out for a walk. Waeyo ?

~

04 : 35  pm

To: Dancing Boy

---------------------------------

cool, you think you can help pick up my laundry

from the apartment ?

~

04 : 35 pm

To : L.Joe Hyung

----------------------------------

Sure thing.

~

04 : 38 pm

To : Dancing Boy

-----------------------------------

Keys under the second plant.

See ya later dancing boy~

------------------

" Ehhhhh, then it couldn't have been him right ? Unless.. he did it on purpose ?" Chunji's eyes widened, mouthing the words " r-a-p-e"

" Hey hey hey, don't jump to conclusuons, he's our team mate and he loves Ricky.. doesn't he ? " Changjo spoke up, but it obvious in his face that he was suspecting the same thing.

After all, L.Joe had cheated on Ricky so many times, in front of him even. So many times, everyone saw L.Joe rip Ricky's heart out of his chest only to crush it with his feet ; running around with a girl he had met a few minutes ago ,be it at a cafe or a club.

As long he could find a good , it didn't matter if Ricky was present or not.

Then L.Joe kissed Ricky, confessing his love. Everyone was shocked, stunned, all the words to describe being unable to believe what they just heard ; the morning they both walked in fingers interlocked, Ricky's head resting on L.Joe's shoulder. C.A.P had lost it and ran off. He didn't really go anywhere actually, he loved Ricky too much to do anything foolish. He took a long stroll and a few drinks at the bar. A few drinks became a many , he was downing vodka by the bottle. It was the night Ricky had stayed up to wait for C.A.P, he took care of him though he was with L.Joe.

The boys pondered over the meaning of the three's actions. Could it be that Ricky held feelings even if it was a grain, for their leader hyung ? Somehow, at the same time, they looked over their shoulders to where Ricky was and at that moment they all felt it.

L.Joe.

Neil grabbed Changjo's hand, " Call L.Joe. " boring into the soul, he could see the fear in Neil's eyes and Neil could see the fear in Changjo's. Changjo felt like he couldn't breathe, a million thoughts stampeded through his head and he felt like he was going to have a headache. Could L.Joe really have done this ? Changjo wasn't sure and he didn't want to be sure but there was only a way to find out.

The call was connected and Ricky's line in " I wanna love " was the connecting tone.

                                                                                             Put all the uncomfortable memories behind,

                                                                                                                  find a different love

                                                                                                                          I will change

All this made the situation even more confusing, why do all this if he did that ? His head was really starting to hurt but he quickly snapped out of it when L.Joe picked up the phone.

" Ah yoboseyeo ?"

" L.joe ya eodiya ?

* muffled sounds , distant talking *

" I'm at Hongdae "

" Oppa, who's that on the line ? "

" Ah nothing, just a friend. "

" Ya you bastard, your boyfriend is lying in hospital and you're with some ? "

" Hey hey watch your tone, I'm your hyung and Hyuna is not a , she's a y lady that's great with . Say hello to my friend, dancing boy ! hahahaha "

" You motherer, you drunk ?! "

" Hello oppa " The girl giggles as she moves away from the reciever.

" Maybe I'm a little drunk. " 

" You motherf-, just get your to the hospital. "

* call ends *

--

There's so many voices, they're so fimiliar. How noisy. Can't any of you let me rest in peace ? Speaking of noises, there was a particular voice that kept calling my name yesterday. I tried following the voice but I ended up in an empty room... The voice was loud and clear, shouting my name. It was a man's voice and he sounded so sad.

Did I make him sad ?

It seems like I can never get things right, one way or another - I keep mistakes and I'm really tired of it. I'm tired of everything.

I tried and now I'm tired. From L.Joe to keeping up with the dumb fake maknae act, I got the message ages ago. I won't be like C.A.P hyung no matter how hard I try, that kind of piercing charisma that would make girls swoon. I get it. Everyone had to rub it in my face, ' aigoo, how cute just like a baby' , ' it's so hard to believe you're 19 you look 12 '

I wish everyone would just shut the up ! Just .... please....

Am I really that childish ? So childish that I need C.A.P hyung by my side always ? The last face I saw, his tears hitting my cheek, his voice breaking unable to speak. Why would he do that for me , such a sad expression - I don't want to see it. I want to see everyone smiling, together always like how it was when we were all trainees. My heart... It hurts so much. When I think about the both of them it hurts, especially L.Joe.

          These bad symptoms appeared after I met you 

        I’m left alone on this black night ,in my room that’s filled with thoughts of you

               I can’t do anything and I draw you out as I am in pain all day

                     Your indifferent face that I can’t figure out makes my breath stop

Ever since the day he confessed to me, I had this heavy feeling in my heart like I was being weighed down by a big rock. I was happy, I really was - I liked L.Joe for a really long time and i wanted to be with him but I knew somehow that this wasn't right. I felt sick to the stomach whenever I was with him, I assumed it was the butterflies I usually get when I saw L.Joe but instead it was like scissors cutting my stomach.

It made my breaths steeper, and tears kept threatening to fall. Is this what love feels like ? Painful, heart wrenching, unable to sleep ? Constantly thinking of him and not feeling okay. Is this right ?

You say you love me, you're so happy being able to finally call me 'yours', you say that no one else can have me - I can't count the number of times I tried so hard to convince myself to wholeheartedly believe your words. It's funny and sad at the same time because at one point I believed you, thinking you had put your flings and one night stands aside and come to love me but how wrong I was. A fool, that's what I am. C.A.P hyung warned me, but I didn't listen ... because I loved you and I wanted no one else but you. Every night, it was your name that I breathed out, not anyone elses. It was your touch that made my skin felt hot not anyone elses but those eyes that I look into everyday, get colder and colder

Back then, i would've believed anything you said but now, my vision is clear. The monster that you are, and the demon that you've become. L.Joe hyung, I really loved you but you hurt me in a way that I can never forgive nor forget you. Forgetting you, will I be able to that ? When I constantly see you, practice with you, eat with you. Am I capable of erasing such a terrible memory from my mind ? 

Us together inside this maze

The only thing i can count on is you

Close your eyes, hold me, because

We have no tomorrow

Now comes the thought of C.A.P hyung, this golden boy that has been protecting me from day one. I was never able to return the love he had poured out to me, he was constantly reaching out to me but I was getting further and further. The warmth he exuded as he held me in his arms, it felt so real. I was so afraid, he could be a big illusion and in the end, I would only make a fool of myself. It's such a dirty feeling, to want the warmth that C.A.P can give yet crave the heat that L.Joe has. I'm the most innocent yet I'm the dirtiest. Is it wrong ? Is it wrong to love both ? Ah, it is already a sin to love a man. No point asking myself a question that I already know the answer too right ? I'm condemned to a hell of my own creation.

An inescapable hell that I dragged myself into. I didn't have to love them, I didn't have to care for them... Love is lousy. Wbat's real is just desire and temptation of the body. Like how I need C.A.P hyung with me always and how I want L.Joe the same way.

I'm despicable.

*

Ah finally managed to update, sorry for the wait everyone.

:-((((((((((((((

rmb to comment & subscribe <3

`ppyong !!

Songs :

I Wanna Love // TEEN TOP

Symptoms // SHINee

Now ( There is no tomorrow ) // Troublemaker

Photo cr : aylinlove92