*

" Ricky ya, saranghae " Our official 1st kiss, best kiss ever. I kept giggling just thinking about it. I've never felt so happy in my life, so contented just by feeling the warmth of someone I love. The way he held me so tightly as if I was the only thing he had, how he nuzzled into the crook into my neck, telling me he loved the way I smell. Swaying from side to side, it was a like a dance without the need of an accompaniment. We both knew the tune. I must've made it very obvious that I was thinking about L.Joe hyung, when I felt his hands wrap around my waist. 

" What's with that smile tugging your lips ? Who were you thinking about ? " He asked, pressing his body against mine, trapping me between the kitchen counter and him. My faced flushed, throat suddenly feeling dry. " A-aniyo, no one " His lips blew at my ear, gently grazing the lobe earning me a shiver. The heat travelled right down to my pants, I've never done anything in my life. Oh gosh. I shut my eyes tight, biting my bottom lip hard. Please let go , please let go. 

( a/n : hehe hello im back frm my hiatus do u miss me ? ) I swallowed hard as he grinded against me, trying to push back the moan struggling to escape my lips.

" Don't you want me ? " It was the same L.Joe I known since our trainee days but this tone , this question it was something else entirely. In a second , my body was turned and I was facing hi. I was trapped. He tilted my chin and forced me to look into his eyes he asked again, suspicion surfacing, " Don't. You. Want. Me ? " I knew what he meant, I never physically did it but I knew enough. I wanted it so badly, the pants felt tight and it needed to be freed but I wasn't ready for it. Ah I'm such a girl , but i had to man up

" I do want you hyung, I want you so badly but I'm not ready for this " I heard a chuckle leave his lips. " Pabo ya, I love you so much, don't you ever think that I would do anything to hurt you okay ? If you're not ready , we'll take it slow besides I have forever with you " He and smooth talking, I was blushing so furiously ; I just wanted to giggle like a teenage girl and kiss him - kiss him all over.

I saw my chance to escape to the bathroom when he lowered his hands, I gave him a light peck on the lips before running off but I was entrapped by his long arms

" Where do you think you're going now ? " I smirked, " Somewhere " Mischief heavy in my voice.

" I don't think so Chang Hyun " Chang Hyun ? Why would L.Joe hyung suddenly call me that , it's so rare of him and well it's not him .... I didn't realise I was spacing out , my eyes had widened according to hyung " Ya, why are you spacing out like that ?" Right now, I felt sick that name reminded me so much of him, I once again found myself confused and my heart was heavy. " Hyung ah, i'm sorry I just feel sick all of a sudden. " I pushed him off and made my way to my room. What's wrong ? It may sound like i'm exaggerating but the walk to my room was the longest, and it was all the way at the end of the hallway PLUS I had to walk up stairs. I met with C.A.P hyung, i smiled at him but what I got in return was a cold hard stare. For some reason, I felt crushed , i was.. disappointed.

I like L.Joe hyung don't I? I need to get my feelings straight because i'll just hurt everyone including myself if I don't

*

" Why you look so down ? This doesn't suit you

Tell me and I try to help you

Don't you go and tell me everything's alright and okay
Cause I can see right through your eyes and I can tell you're in pain

Tell me what have cause the pain ?
If it was him again, was that man, I swear to God
How many times I've to tell you that that is a fraud

 You know you don't deserve any of this bull at all
And you know you've pretty enough that you should never have to bow "

*

Why ? Why do you love a man like him ? After all your efforts before, he just pushed you off, his flings, he did things in front of you to hurt you. You deserve better love but I know even if you're hurt you will still love him no matter what. I'm just glad that you came to me and you remembered me. I tried to give you what you deserved but you didn't want it. Why do you love him ? I can never stop asking myself. I can take care of you, I can protect you and I can love you more than anyone but what it is it that makes me inferior to a playboy like him ?

That night, we were all there. We all saw it. L.Joe's birthday party, it was already a bad idea to hold it in a club with you being so underage but what were we to do , it was his birthday and we couldn't go against a birthday boy's wishes could we ?

I remember.

You were so afraid of the whole idea of a club, you were afraid of alcohol even though you got drunk in the end, you were afraid of the girls desperate and grinding all over you. I had to pull you aside and hold you tight because you were almost in tears. You felt like your modesty was being outraged. Haha. It was so nice being able to hold you so close even though it was such a short while before he took you away. You were dragged back to the dance floor and you were dancing. You seemed happy, dancing with him but it wasn't long before his attention was diverted by some rubbing up and down against him. You saw it all and you stood alone in the crowd. 

My heart is shaking, I'm standing here like a fool

Why am I like this ?

My heart is shaking, I'm holding onto you

knowing everything

We all saw it, that knowing smirk he gave as you continued to stand and watch. The girl was feeling it, so was L.Joe. You started to cry, the tears kept pouring and I never felt so much pain watching you liket this. I took you away while the others dealt with him, L.Joe's indifference got everyone fed up and he left with the from earlier.

I remember yet again.

You in my arms, you in tears, you telling me that your heart hurts so much that you just wanted to rip it out. You were clawing at your chest, it became red and spots of blood started to appear. You were choking as you continued to cry. I tried to hold as tight as I could, " I'm here, I'll always be here because I'm the one who loves you. " You cried till you collapsed from exhaustion, you were wrecked, face swollen from crying ; chest red from your clawing. One last teardrop fell from your beautiful face, I won't forget how I kissed it away . I brushed your hair aside and you were so peaceful. Is this what serendipity is ? finding happiness without actually looking for it  ?

I love you so much Chang Hyun ah, my precious precious Chang Hyun.

*

Why does L.Joe hyung do this to me ? He treats me so well then he goes around making love with all these girls and flirting with them in front of me. I know we're not together or anything but it still hurts because you mean something to me and it seems like I don't mean anything at all. Am I just a dongsaeng to you ? I don't know anymore , the way you touch me when no one's looking, pull me closer and nuzzle your face into the crook of my neck... Friends don't do that, do they? You're breaking my heart hyung, and I don't think you realise it. I won't say anything because as long as I can stay beside you and see you smile.

It's enough.

I'll never forget the first day I saw you, the charisma you exuded and how cool you looked. I had thought you were my sunbae too and then when we had to choose rooms. You wanted to room with me, I was so happy, but recently you've been sleeping in Chunji hyung's room. I saw you in his bed once... Are you two together? I don't think so, I know Chunji hyung has a crush on Naeun from Apink. I'm so confused. How can an angel like you break my heart ?

hehe hello guys, i'm sorry i didn't update this fic bc i've been on the longest hiatus ever and it

It's so good to be writing again , i'm so sorry this is so short but i'll try to make it longer the next chapter

photo cr: milktealimesoda

The songs I used this fic :

Pretty Enough / Verbal Jint ft Sanchez ( Sungjae & Peniel cover )

Shaking Heart / C-Clown