CHAPTER 4

        “HERE it is,” I took down a book from a shelf and handed the thick book that actually was a collection of journal stapled into one form to her.

       Jessica couldn’t suppress her amusement expression and I smiled naturally discovering her scarce bright face as she took it from me. Secretly, I scrutinized her face again and suddenly I just could feel a twinge of happiness inside my heart, finding I could finally evoke excitement for her. I unconsciously widened my smile when I caught her eyes that used to be gloom, now was gleamed with satisfaction once she across some pages.

       “Is it the one you’re looking for?” I chuckled while crossed my arms coolly.

       “Or do you need anything else?” I offered, while started to fish around the shelf again; however suddenly I felt something tug my shirt calmly. I angled my face and just realized it was her, who had already clutched my arm now.

       “No, it’s enough,” she smiled satisfyingly. “I even don’t have any idea what topic I should pick after all,” she admitted; her voice began to a little bit confusing, so I briskly assured.

       “Don’t worry,” I grinned like a horse. “I’ve told you I’d help you, rite. And don’t forget as well, I’m good with sort of things,” I giggled with my own remarks; but out of my expectation she just giggled along with me and responded my silly statement.

       “How could you be so cocky?” she asked. “I’ve never found someone as over-confidence as you,” she remarked. For a second, I got startled, as I remembered this is the first time she commented something to me, I meant, it was the very first time she released her opinion about me and toward me, or if I might tell, perhaps I was the first living people in this college who luckily got the chance.

       “I’m not,” I said as cool as possible again while stuffed my hands in my pocket. I leaned my back against the shelf post for a moment while looking at her.

       “I just told you the truth,” I grinned again, tried to sound nonchalant.

       “Shall we go now?” I asked after I glanced at my watch and got it was already passed five in the afternoon and the library was almost closed as well.

       I looked around and found that there’s another pupils left unless us. They must had already left, I guessed. At the counter, as I sneak a peek, I still could see the librarian was standing patiently behind the desk, most probably waiting for us. Spontaneously I held her hand and towed her to follow me, left the book-shelves aisle, toward the door.

       While passing over the librarian, I nodded my head as I knew she recognized me well, though she didn’t have any idea about my name. She smiled back understandingly and waved her hand.

       “Take care. I heard the weather wouldn’t be that good tonight,” she warned.

       “Oh,” I replied. “Thank you and you too,” I said, then left the library, still with the blonde following me.

       Once after she got in my car, she piped in cheerfully.

       “Tae…, thanks a lot for your help…,” she uttered. Suddenly, I felt like there’s hammer in my chest again. I squeezed my eyes for a moment, trying hard not to be distracted by the twinge suddenly erupted from my stomach.

       “Tae… thanks a lot for your help,” Tiffany said that night, a year ago, in the same car, same seat, same night. Same brightness.

       The only slightly difference was, at that time, she leaned forward and caressed my cheek as well. I stared at her for a moment, displaying smile on my face. I caught her cheek gradually turned to be pink, as the sign she’s getting shy with the way I stared at her. I giggled and she smacked me playfully.

       “Tae… Stop staring at me,” she pouted, though I knew she only pretended to not like it.

       “Why?” I replied playfully though I already known what she was going to say next.

       “I’m shy,” she admitted cutely and as always, I couldn’t stand it anymore.

       I leaned forward as well, making the gap between us almost idle. I brushed my nose to hers first, before finally angled my head and jutted my lips smoothly. She closed her eyes and the next thing I did was just kissing and her plum lips in such a gentle way, as I would never playing rough with that vulnerable and smooth lips.

       After creating Heaven on Earth for some moment, both of us together pulled back and smiled complacently afterward. I stared at her again, and this time she didn’t act like previous. She touched my chin, then moved upward, cupped my cheek for some moment, looked deep inside my eyes, as if want to tell me that I was hers forever.

       “Tae tae… I love you…”

       Tae…

       Tae…

       Tae…

       I thought I would never hear anybody call me again with that nickname anymore… I thought it was only her who would call me with that cute name… Tae… Tae Tae…

       “Tae?” Jessica’s voice was heard, suddenly scattered my cogitation. I was jolted and she smiled in concern.

       “Daydreaming again?” she guessed, this time she seemed bit already known me. I chuckled.

       “Sorry,” I displayed a smile as natural as possible; feeling slightly guilty as I never really got Tiffany out of my mind when I was along with her. I meant… I felt so with my own self.

       How could I move on if the specter of my past life kept haunting me like this? I felt angry toward my own self. I was dreadfully desperate as I felt the specter would never let me go of.

       I, in frustration, involuntarily hit my wheeling steer with my knuckles; making Jessica gasped and startled. I felt she quickly patted my back, while I was buried my head onto the wheel.

       “Tae? Are you all right?” she asked gingerly, I got the knowledge that her tone was kind of mixture between anxiety and fear. I lifted my head and abruptly faced her.

       “I’m sorry,” I murmured. “I’m really sorry. Am I scared you?”

       “No,” she shook her head in certainty. “I rather been concern at you,” she confessed carefully, her hand was still rubbing my back. I heaved a huge sigh.

       “You didn’t seem… all right,” she said again. Discovering her worry expressing somehow only added my guilty feeling. She wasn’t supposed to involve into my problem, I shook my head incredulously.

       “I’m all right,” I finally said, though I knew my remark was even not getting near with a certainty.

       “Are you sure?” she asked again. “I mean, I don’t mind to accompany you to meet the doctor…”

       “I’m sure! I've told you I'm all right!” I quickly cut off, slightly shouted, this time my tone was firmer; making her suddenly hushed. “Really.”

       She was remained silence and I just could feel another twinge of regret began to tickle my heart again.

       “I’m sorry,” I said desperately. “I don’t mean to yell,” I rubbed my head.

       I was really desperado at that time. But the fool I already made was I just yelled at her. . Really .

       “Never mind…,” she trailed off. “I… I knew it was no one of my business… I’m sorry…,” she managed to say, making me feel very fool afterward.

       “It isn’t like that… It…,” I really wanted to tell her everything. Everything. Sharing everything with her… But how could I spill out anything???  I even had no idea how her feeling toward me. And I guessed it was too fast to do it all…

       “It doesn’t matter, Tae, really,” this time she turned to cut off my remarks. “You… don’t have to tell me,” she added, and I like felt she forced the last sentences, that which was meant, actually she wanted me to tell, rite? Arghhhh, did I wish too much?

       We’re drifted into awkward silence afterward, until within next few minutes I reached her house. I heard she unbuckled the seatbelt and exhaled again.

       “Thank you,” she said awkwardly and somehow I felt sad hearing her tone.

       “You’re welcome,” I replied awkwardly as well.

       She opened the door and I quickly thought to add something. Stupid! Wouldn’t you add something? Would you just say “you’re welcome” like it? Do something, moron! Do something!

       “Owh, Sica,” I hastily called out her name, once after she closed the door. She slightly bent down, looked at me.

       “Yeah?”

       I felt tongue tie; I even had no idea what to tell.

       “I'm sorry. Once again."

       "You don't need to say it," she replied briefly. Her face was impassive, unable to trace.

       “Oh… hmmm, okay, take care,” I managed to say again and rolled up the window after she bid a goodbye.

       I peek at the rearview mirror, but this time, she already vanished from my sight, didn’t stand at the gateway like yesterday. I heaved hard, shaking my heard incredulously again; wondered if… the girl once I used to love (and probably I still love), somewhere, might felt the same way with me. I hit my own forehead afterward.

       Don’t be fool again, Kim Taeyeon. You wish. She wouldn’t feel the way you felt. Even, for now, she’s kissing or making out with somebody else. A guy with wide back, prominent wing, and delicious abs, perhaps? Who knows?

        The next morning I woke up unwillingly. I wasn’t sure what to say if I bump with Jessica at the college. At the college? Hmh… I looked at myself in front of huge mirror hanging on the wall. Why didn’t I try to act natural and make it up to her? I would and had to pass over her house, rite? Maybe all the things I had to do was only stop and offer her a ride, rite?

        Moreover… moreover… I had it. Yeah. My eyes were shifted to my desk; where some files were lain around on it. Last night I did translate a journal that I’d considered as the interesting yet easy once. For her. Of course. Mine had already done few days ago, for your information.

        I took one issue about “Oral Manifestation in person with HIV/AIDS” and already made some draft about it, that later would only needed to be spread. I pondered for a moment, was sure about my idea. I would meet her and didn’t bring up the last scene; and proffered her this file afterward. And everything would just flow naturally. We’re gonna be okay again. I was sure about it.

        Hastily I grabbed them and stowed inside my bag, then I went downstairs, skipping my breakfast. Today my mother wasn’t here. Early morning, she and my father had already gone to Busan for some business. I jumped into my car and started to turn on the engine, then driving nervously toward her house. I hesitated for a moment (again) before finally I stopped my car in front of her house.

         “Annyeonghaseyo,” a maid greeted me, the same maid who last night opened the gate for her. I thought she already recognized me as the way she looked at me wasn’t look like the way she looked at stranger. I smiled casually.

        “Annyeong,” I greeted back. “I come to pick up Jessica,” I said bluntly.

        “Owh,” she made an expression as if I just said “I come to marry Jessica”.

        “What?” I threw her a puzzled look. “She went already?” I guessed.

        “Oh no,” she answered. “She…,” she trailed off. “She’s still sleeping.”

        “Owh,” I chuckled; thinking for a moment whether is it a good idea or not if I try to wake her up. But finally I snapped that thought away. It of course would be a bad idea. Nobody would be glad if someone you had just got close for few days suddenly wake you up in the morning. Make sense?

        “Are you sure?” I asked her again as I got the feeling she didn’t really tell the truth.

        “Yeah, I’m sure,” she tried to convince me and finally I decided to not push her anymore.

        “Okay, thank you,” I said and turned away; walking back to my car.

        In a second between I got in, I stole a glimpse to the second level, spotted at the room yesterday I’d confirmed that it was hers, and I blinked my eyes few times to make sure that my eyes didn’t play trick on my mind. The curtain was obviously open. I chuckled in disappointment while getting into my car.

        I my engine again and just left the place as soon as possible. I bit my bottom lips, trying to figure out everything.

        Though there’re still two possibilities; first: the maid indeed didn’t mean to lie to me – at that time when she met me, Jessica’s still sleeping; or second: Jessica told her to say so; somehow in some way, my heart already whispered to me, to believe at the second one, that indisputable, had already lashed my heart painfully.

        Why she didn’t even want to meet me? Why she had to tell her maid to lie to me?

        Heart, I’m sorry. I let my tears run down. I’m really sorry, for hurting you, again.

        “I’ve already told you,” the man gentle voice was heard; sounded patient enough. “Don’t forget to wear any scarf whenever you’re standing outside,” he chuckled then wrapping the pink scarf around the girl neck carefully.

        “I don’t want you’re getting cold.”

        The girl tilted her head after finishing to watch the last snow dropping and beamed him an innocent smile; making the latter never able to be mad at her.

        The man touched the pinkish cheek carefully before angling his head and planting a kiss on her lips.

        Another December breeze blown, hitting their face; making him tucked her straddles of hair behind her ears.

        “Thank you for loving me during this time,” she said sincerely while staring at him; making the latter smiled satisfyingly.

        “You don’t need to say that,” he shook his head. “I’d do anything for you because I love you.”

        The girl didn’t say anything but she slightly tip toe and pulled his neck closer.

        “You won’t leave me, rite?” he asked her.

        “Silly question,” the girl giggled hearing the question.

        “Because I really couldn’t live without you,” the man continued seriously.

        “Of course I wouldn’t,” she leaned forward. “I love you too, Nick.”

        The man smiled again before brushing his lips toward her.

        “I love you again, Stephanie Hwang Mi Young.”

to be continued...

Tiffany's part slightly exposed. Happy?

And Sica. Why she took it too serious?