Denial
Advice From Hyung
"Delay is the deadliest form of denial". C. Northcote Parkinson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6AzbOupbxk
"The tests we've received still don't give us a clear answer of why his hallucinations are taking place. We will need to see him so we can test his brain activity further."
The overpowering smell of disinfectant fills the nose of Mrs. Oh as she breathes deeply in and out. The bright fluorescent lights buzz obnoxiously in the stark white room. As she shifts in her seat her ankles scrape against the rough edge of her chair leg. She's in a brain specialist's office. Her uneasiness reads on her face. She's been to too many medical appointments lately.
As she directs her attention to an x-ray of a brain, she tunes out the doctor's drones. Her temples pound in rythmic syncapation. Focusing is becoming difficult for her. A memory invades her thoughts.
-Flashback-
Sitting on an oak pew, Mrs. Oh and a young Sehun observe in awe the inside of a chapel the noticed while going about their daily errands.
They immediately notice the regal-looking arch at the top of the vaulted ceiling, peaking over the alter. The crisp, white crown molding complimenting the soft turquoise walls. A feeling of peacefulness unknowingly envelopes the pair as they sit. A choir of young men stand at the front of the chapel , quietly rehearsing for an upoming performance. Words in Latin waft melodiously through the place. Young women sit in the corner with string instruments, the sound of paper ruffling.
"Mom," the ten-year-old Sehun looks to his mother with inquisitive eyes. "Could I go see the rest of church?"
His mother nods and watches her son energetically walk away from the pew. People are slowly filing in, taking seats at the pews close to Mrs Oh. Kneeling, and praying reverently.
"There must be a service soon," she thinks to herself. She's never been a exceptionally religious person. Why she even ventured into the exquisite chapel is unknown to her. Something about sitting in such peaceful surroundings gives her a feeling of comfort. Like a sense of belonging washes over her. She sighs in contentment and scans the church, looking for Sehun.
Mrs. Oh has always taken pride in her son. He's very intelligent for his age, and has a caring demeanor. She only wishes he was more social. He doesn't show signs of wanting to make friends. He often is alone, but is always cheerful. His imagination seems to be constantly taking him to new places.
She spots him sitting in the ground, flipping through a hymnal. She hears him talking, but no one is with him. This doesn't surprise Mrs. Oh. Sehun often does this, as he's with a close friend.
"It must be the imaginary friend again," Mrs. Oh sighs. She quietly rises from the pew. It was time to leave.
She venture over to where he sits, listening to his conversation with whoever it is his imagination has made up.
Sehun's P.O.V
" Why hasn't mom taken me here before, Hyung?" Sehun asks Luhan. Sehun has thoroughly enjoyed his adventure to this new place.
"Your mom is very busy Sehun. It's hard to have a job, have a house and take care of you." Luhan responds in his usual calm manner.
Sehun pouts, then continues flipping through his book. The voices of the men singing seems to put a trance on him. He hopes that he can stay longer. It isn't as fun at his house. To make matters worse, he has school tomorrow. Going to school means he's away from Luhan. Going to school means he's alone.
"Don't worry about school Sehun. You need to try hard in order to do well. Mom will like it a lot if she sees you having fun and studying diligently."
Of course Luhan knows exactly what's worrying Sehun. He always has. Sehun never has to say things for Luhan to know what he's thinking. To Sehun, his Hyung is the smartest person ever.
"Sehun," Luhan says, interrupting Sehun's thoughts.
"Mhm," responds Sehun.
"Mom is watching you. I think it might be time to go home."
He looks over and sees his mom, standing, eyes slightly widened. She looks afraid. After a pause, she breaks the silence.
"Sehun, we need to leave now."
End of P.O.V
With that Mrs. Oh took Sehun's hand firmly and strode out of the chapel, opening the door to be met by a gust of impatient wind, hungry to escape the outside. Much like Sehun's mother, eager to leave, impatient. What she just observed made her stomach churn. She was starting to worry now. Her son was talking. She heard him use the word Luhan. This was starting to be more than just light hearted imagination and fun. She was hearing her sons emotions being poured out, hearing things he'd never told her. There could be somthing wrong with Sehun.
End of flashback
However, she never let herself believe this.
"He's just talking to himself. He knows there's no one there. Her son is fine."
This is what Mrs. Oh has to tell herself for the next six years.
Six years of excuses and write-offs. Six years of coping. It has also been six years of realization and observation. It wasn't just the fact that her son talked to himself that made her out to be so dramatic. He seemed to her that Sehun confided in this figure of his imagination more than her, or anyone else Sehun is acquainted with. Is she a failure as a parent? Without a father in Sehun's life it's always been her priority to be the best parent she could be. Now, with her secretely going to docter's appointments, not telling her son of what she's doing. It crushes her with guilt.
"I'm just trying to help him."
And as she chants this in her mind, the docter takes out his notebook, scrawling a note for the next appointment. The appointment Sehun will have to attend. He holds out the paper to her saying, "This is the address of the neorologist he needs to go see. The docter knows of Sehun's condition and won't bring anything that could be traumitizing up. The appointment is scheduled for tomorrow at 1:00."
After bidding the docter goodbye Mrs. Oh makes her way to her Kia. Clouds are forming, and it looks as though it might rain. The whistle of the wind blows past her walking figure with a woosh.
Her thoughts resemble the wind. Whirling and never slowing down. It gives her no comfort. She'll have to decieve her son again, not telling him the reason why she's taking him to a docter's appointment. He's so distant now she knows she won't see a response. Ever since she knew about Sehun's hallucinations, she's feared greately what would happen if he was forced to believe that his 'brother' didn't exsist. She'd heard so many explainations from docters.
"The trauma he would experience if he is told this person doesn't exsist could cause serious damage to his phycological process. He'd go into shock. Luhan takes on the role of many people. A teacher, a friend, a brother. For years on end he's been reliant on this person just to function in everyday life. It's how he copes with situations he's unfamiliar with. To take that away could be detrimental to his mental state.Since he doesn't have any overpowering condition that keeps him from functioning correctly, eventually he will need to be told. Due to the complexity of this case, we don't have concrete reasons as to why he's always been able to come accross as a normal person, but has these never-ending hallucinations. The matter needs to be handled carefully. Therapy will be needed, and support will be mandatory."
All the of the ceilings had fallen through when Mrs. Oh was told this. There were no more delusional mindsets, the chance that she could have be wrong was gone. As she rests her head in her hands she sighs. She wished she was surrounded by the peacfullness of the chapel. The place she was trapped in was unhappy. Cold. Is this what the world would look like to Sehun if his hallucination ended? Is this what it's already like? Is it because of Luhan that Sehun can cope? In her heart she blames herself. She didn't tell him. She was selfish. Her son is living in false illusions because of her.
The wind whips past her as she drives. Tear blind her vision. The wind seems to have become her companion. She wonders if it likes constantly moving. When does it rest? When will her heart rest?
Whew! Wrote that in two days hehe. I know there are instances where it seems confusing. Just bear with me, hopefully your questions will be answered!XD
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