So both of us cried for a long time
Holding onto the phone, till the tears stop falling
I think I know now, how much I love you
Sorry, I love you

It is always be really hard for me to leave the cottage at the days like this. How can I go when the person I love the most is sick and his asthma can attack him anytime? How can I? But again, for his sake, I have to go. He hates it when I go over worried because of him. But seriously Jaejoong…. It is a serious matter. I can’t just ignore it, can I?

I stop in front of the main door of our cottage and I know that he sees my hesitation. He walks closer to me and hugs me from behind, resting his head on my back.

“Gwaenchanayo…. Nan jeongmal gwaenchana Yunho~ah….”

That’s it Jaejoong, when you say you are alright, I feel that something bad could actually happen to you. Please let me stay with you in the home, I can take care of you. Please….

“Go…. I really want that sweater Yunho~ah…. I know you won’t be taking too long time. You drive your Audi right?” he smiles at me assuring. I just can see him with expressionless face.

“Just go…. I’m alright here”

I nod and take a quick kiss on his pale lips.

“I’ll be back as soon as possible…. Saranghae….”

“Nado saranghae….”

He waves at me when I look at him from my car’s window. I wave back and drove off to Seoul leaving him alone in this deserted place covered with snow.

***

I don’t know I’ve spent the whole day looking for him desired sweater. Driving from our cottage to Seoul itself spending about 3 hours already. It turns out that this new product is really popular, especially this couple sweater. I have to look for it from one Department Store to another just to find this SPAO store.

It is the 5th mall I’ve entered and I pray that the SPAO store in this mall still have at least one pair of this sweater. I go straight to the third floor where the stores of branded clothes located. I look at my watch while riding the lift. I bulge my eyes in its maximum size when I realize it, it is 4 PM already and I began to worry about Jaejoong.

“I should call him” I look for my cellphone in my long coat pocket and I can’t find it.

“Damn! Where is it?!!” I began to panic and don’t realize that I reach the 3rd floor already.

When the ‘ding’ sound wakes me up, I just can see into nothing in front of me.

“! I put it in another coat’s pocket! Now how can I call him?” I muttered angrily to myself but I managed to gather my anger and calm down. Angry won’t get me anywhere. I should find the sweater first and then call him from the public phone booth.

I rush to the only SPAO store at the 3rd floor and enter it immediately looking for that sweater.

“How can we help you, sir?” a storekeeper lady approaches me who looks a bit confused. I look at her with blank eyes. I know my head can’t register anything right now. All I want to do is going home and meet my angel.

The lady looks uneasy, “Sir?”

“Ah yes….” I blinked to gather my thoughts and clear my throat, “Can you show me the latest couple white sweater for this winter issue?”

She seems like thinking about something. Oh God please…. I don’t have any patient left to look for it at another store if this lady says they don’t have it. If they don’t have it, I’ll go straight to my cottage, I don’t care if Jaejoong will be sulking all day, I just want to be with him. That’s all.

“Wait a moment, sir” she leaves me alone and comes back after 2 minutes, “You mean this one, sir?” she held me a pair of cute white sweater, exactly what I saw on the magazine”

I grab the things from the lady immediately and hugs it dearly, “Thanks God!”

She smiles warmly at me, “You seem to love it so much, sir…. Is it a present for your girlfriend?”

I nod happily and hand the sweaters back to the lady, “Wrap it now, please..! I have to be home as soon as possible”

“Wait a minute, sir” she walks to the cashier and I follow her like a lost puppy. I’m just too happy that I’m grinning like a mad man now.

“Here your sweater, sir” she gives me the bag after I pay the price. It is indeed really expensive sweaters.

I walk happily out from the store and on my way to the parking lot. I look at my watch again, it is 30 minutes past after I finally find the right sweaters. I reach my car and drove off immediately. I don’t have time to go here and there anymore. It will be night once I got to our home. I can’t let him waits more than this. I drove off quickly and not really paying attention to my surrounding.

“Ah!”

I stop my car when I see the public phone booth.

‘Should I call him?’

I hesitated while I have to call him or now, but I really am curious about he is doing without me this whole day.

‘I’ll just ask whether he ate or not’

I park my car and walk straight to the booth dialing him cellphone.

Tttrrrrtttt…. Ttttrrrrtttt….. ttttrrrrtttt……

‘Yoboseyo?’

Finally he takes it. He is alright, isn’t he?

‘Jaejoong~ah….’

‘Ah Yunho~ah!! You got it?’

‘Ne…. a pair of new sweaters for our long last winter’

I know he is happy from the way he giggles. But there’s strange feeling filling up my heart. His voice sounds different from usual and he is not talking that loud nor talkative. Don’t tell me….

I really want to ask so badly but I know it is our rule, I can’t do that.

‘Have you eaten, baby?’

‘N-ne….’

‘Still.. still want me to—’

I can’t finish my words when I hear something weird. It sounds like the bad signal and those annoying sounds come when you I got the bad signal to my phone.

‘Baby? Is the signal really poor there?’

He doesn’t answer but I can hear someone breathing heavily from behind. It is not clear enough, but I’m sure he is not alright now. And these annoying voices, I know he tried to cover the phone so I can’t hear anything when he got his attack.

I put down the phone from my ear and covering the receiver too. I can’t hear him suffer.

“Jaejoong~ah…. Please be alright….” I say silently not want him to hear it.

I hug the phone in my chest and without I know when, the tears already streaming my face. I can’t hold it back anymore, it is too much for me.

I try to put the phone back to my ear if in that case he is done with the attack and talk to me again. All I can hear is his hard breathing and some faint sobs. He is crying. I know it hurts so much, but again, I don’t have heart to ask anything. All I can do is just waiting for the attack to end.

I hug the phone to my chest once again, do not dare to listen to his voices any longer.

“Jaejoong~ah…. Please be alright….”

I cry pitifully inside the booth. I don’t really care anymore if someone sees me crying helplessly while hugging the phone in my chest. All I care now how Jaejoong doing because the attack last longer than usual.

“This is why I told you I don’t want to be far from you! Why do you have to be so stubborn!” I scold him silently while covering the phone so he can’t hear anything.

I can’t afford my body anymore and end up lean on the booth wall while keep crying. Isn’t it pity to see a man crying in the phone booth like me? But what can I do besides crying? I’m not there with him and he needs me more than anything right now.

‘Jaejoong~ah….’

I try to start again the conversation even I still hear his hard breathing.

‘N-ne….’

‘Do you want other warm foods to buy?’

‘Ah…. Ne…. Br-bring me warm jajangmyun if you’re ho-home Yunho~ah….’

‘Ne…. I’m o-on my way ho-home now, baby’

I have hard time to hide my sobs. His weak and hard breath drives me crazy. No! I can’t be weak in front of him. If I am weak, so who will be the one protect him? I have to be strong for him.

‘Ne…. be careful….’

‘Jaejoong~ah….’

‘Ne?’

‘Saranghaeyo…. You know it, right?’

I can feel he is smiling to the phone while holding him chest like he always do.

‘Ne Yunho~ah…. Na-nado saranghaeyo….’

***

We have to get back into love again
Not even for a day did I ever forget you
For even a moment, not for even a moment, did I leave you

I wake up when the warm sunrise enters my bedroom. Today is different, isn’t it? It is warm outside. I should ask Jaejoong to go out since the weather is really good. But then I remember last night I arrive at home, I saw him sitting in front of the fire place to make himself warm and his face doesn’t show any good signal at all. His lips pale, his body shivering, and his snowy white skin became paler. He is in terrible condition. But then he is go bubbly again when I show him the new couple sweaters. He jumps excitedly and praising how good the sweater was. I’m happy finally I can see his laugh and smile, but deep inside here, I feel awful that I’ve left him all day just to get these sweaters.

I rub my still sleepy eyes and look at my right side where Jaejoong always sleeping, beside me.

“Good