T.O.P’s POV
I kept hiding underneath the covers, not daring to look and check if my dongsaeng was still standing there. But I didn’t even have to look to see him. I had been observing him a lot, ever since we had met each other. I knew exactly how he would be looking right now. I saw him standing there, arms hanging along his body, shoulders down, watching me. Because he still cared, no matter what I did. It was a heartbreaking image that wouldn’t get out of my mind, no matter how hard I tried to think about something else.
It hurt even more when I finally heard the door close and his footsteps fade away. It meant he had been standing there for minutes. For me. Waiting, hoping I would suddenly get up and tell him I was sorry, that I hadn’t meant to hurt him.
I tried to stay in bed as long as possible, trying to ignore the headache that was giving me constant pain. I’d do anything to avoid another scene like this. But at some point, I just had to get up. I was thirsty, hungry and I felt dreary being in bed for so long. So I stood up, swaying on my legs a little, and put on the clothes that lay on the ground next to my bed. I stumbled towards the bedroom door, one hand on my head, unsuccessfully trying to push the pain away.
When I walked into the living room, Daesung was seated on the couch, his back towards me. Taeyang was sitting in front of him and Seungri and Ji-yong were watching them. I slowly walked up towards them.
“Guys, I really need some medicine…-“ I started, but immediately stopped when I saw what was going on. Part of Daesung’s hand had turned an ugly colour blue.
“Daesung!” I yelled immediately, my own pain forgotten. “What happened?!” I quickly walked towards him, almost pushing Taeyang away, who apparently had been studying his hand closely. I grabbed my dongsaeng’s hand carefully and held it. Breaking my number one rule of avoiding being near him.
It looked so painful. I was very worried about him. What had he done? How long had it been like this? How could I not have seen it?
“Dae, tell me. Please.” I said. Despite myself, I looked up at his face.
He watched me with a confused look. How I wished I could hug him again, like I had a couple of days ago. I knew I couldn’t let myself go that far though. I was already crossing the limits.
“Come on, I’m worried about you.” I begged. “You should go see a doctor. Let’s go there now.” I already wanted to get up when I saw his confusion slowly turn into cold.
He pulled his hand away, unsuccessfully trying to hide the pain in his face. “Go away, Seunghyun. Leave me alone.” He said unaffectedly, looking straight at me.
It was like he had shot me right through my heart. Not only because it hurt me so much to hear him say that to me. Also because I knew what he had to go through every time I treated him like this.
I froze, and before I could say anything he had turned towards Youngbae. “Tae, can you come with me to see a doctor please?”
Taeyang looked at me with raised eyebrows but then nodded. “Ofcourse, Daesung. Let’s go.” They got up and I watched them walk away together, not moving an inch.
As soon as they had gone, Ji-yong sat in front of me.
“Seunghyun, I’ve been trying to ignore this for a while, believing you would solve this yourselves, but it’s becoming pretty worrisome. What’s going on between you and Daesung? You’ve been acting strange for a pretty long time already…”
I tried to think of an answer, but my mind went blank.
“Seunghyun? I mean… are you fighting or something? If anything like that, you should tell me. We have to solve such problems together, you know that.”
I looked up at him and cleared my throat. “It’s not that… it’s… nothing, really. It will be fine.”
G-Dragon shot me a doubtful look. “Are you sure? It doesn’t seem like nothing.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I-I promise…” I knew I was lying. It wouldn’t be fine. I couldn’t change the situation.
“Well if you say so. You should really fix this, hyung. It’s not only worrying me. Youngbae and V.I. have noticed as well. Hmmm…” He looked at me thoughtfully. “Maybe we need a week off? We could go somewhere together. Would be good for our moods, and we can use some rest after working so hard.”
Panic crept into my body again. Going away for a week, in a hotel somewhere, being close to  Daesung. Not being able to avoid him. Seeing him smile and having fun and knowing that that smile would fade as soon as he would look at me, talk to me…
“Yes, that would be a good idea.” GD continued. “I’m gonna ask the others what they think about it.” He put a hand on my shoulder. “Please fix this trouble, Seunghyun. You know how important Big Bang is for me. For all of us.” He smiled at me, got up and walked away.

I kept waiting for Daesung and Taeyang to return, even though I knew I had to stay away from my dongsaeng. I was still very worried. I wished I could be the one that went with him. It was hard to acknowledge that only two weeks ago, I would’ve been that person. The person he would rely on no matter what happened. But I had to accept I wasn’t anymore, and it was all thanks to myself. I had allowed myself to get near him, now I had to suffer for that. I couldn’t change it anymore. I couldn’t turn back to the way things used to be.
When I finally heard them coming back, I didn’t dare to ask him how he was feeling, or what had happened. He had told me very clearly that I had to leave him alone, and maybe it was better that way. But I watched from a distance. I heard what Seungri and GD asked, and was relieved to find out Daesung’s hand would be healed in days and that he had gotten some painkillers so that it wouldn’t hurt him.

That night, I watched Daesung sleep. I normally didn’t allow myself to watch because it would inescapably be followed by my nightmare. But I just had to assure myself that he was feeling okay, that he wasn’t in pain.  
I was satisfied to see he had a tranquil look on his face and his features seemed calm. Even though I was afraid of what would be the unavoidable consequence of my actions, I planned to keep watching him until I couldn’t keep my eyes opened anymore. Because if I had to stick up with my plans, I wouldn’t see him this carefree during the day. He would only look at me with a hurt, mad, sad or confused look. So I wanted to fill my mind with images of my dongsaeng looking this peaceful.
I was still wondering why his hand had been so hurt. If it had anything to do with me, I would never forgive myself. I had hurt him quite enough. And I would be hurting him even more. The coming days, weeks, months? Guilt filled me up and made me feel miserable.
“I’m so sorry, Daesung… I’m so, so sorry.” I whispered. Slowly, my eyes closed, his image fading, and I fell asleep.