Hello my dear readers! I'm sorry it's been so long again. And I won't cheer you up with this chapter I think... but at least it's long. I will try to update soon! Thanks again for the comments you gave me and I'm also really grateful for the people subscribing!
~Mirthe

T.O.P’s POV
Darkness. Everything was dark. Drops of sweat were lying on my forehead. My hands were shaking. My body felt cold, weak. I couldn’t see a thing.
They had left me like this many times before. They always came back to get me out after a while. But this time, it was different. They didn’t come. I had no idea how long it had been since they locked me up. They took everything from me, so I couldn’t contact anyone. They always did.
It was good for me, they said. It should teach me a lesson. Here, alone in the dark, I could overthink my sins. When I was young, I always wondered what sins were. I learned when I grew older. I learned I had a lot of them. I was a monster and I deserved punishment. I knew this was true, but I still felt afraid, alone.
I kept hoping. Listening if there were any footsteps. A knock on the door. Someone yelling at me. But there was nothing. Just emptiness.
Although I couldn’t see it, I knew I was in a small space. When I stretched my arms, they touched the walls. Cold walls. But I deserved the cold. They said it would freeze some of my feelings.
After a couple of times being stuck in here, I found a way to keep myself occupied. I needed something to focus on or I would go insane. So I made sentences in my head, describing my feelings. I repeated them, word for word, sentence for sentence, so that I would remember them all. And I would write them down as soon as I would get out again. Telling myself I had to write it down, I endured the lock ups better. It gave me a goal that kept me going.
I had written a lot of texts. But they had never become as long as this time. And I was wondering how much longer it would get.
At first, I had cried a lot. My eyes would be red and swollen when I looked in the mirror after being freed, earning me approving nods from the priests. Seeing I had suffered, I was allowed to go home.
But a human being gets used to everything, apparently even being in that hideous place. So my tears dried, and less fell down my cheek every time I was stuck in there. Until there were none left. My eyes were as empty as I felt inside. As empty as the room I was in.
That worried them. They thought I didn’t learn from my imprisonment. So they kept me in there longer.
I thought they had forgotten me. I was used to being in here a long time and I always found a way to calm myself down. But right now, I couldn’t. I was starting to panic.
I bit my fingernails until the tips of my fingers started to bleed. My lips were swollen and torn at some places. They were so dry. I was so thirsty. At some point, I screamed for help, but no one came.
I started singing my texts to calm me down. My voice was raw and broken, but it was the only thing that kept me conscious. I needed to hear something to know that I was still alive, even if it was my own voice.
I had been awake for so long that at some point, despite the thirst, hunger and fear, I fell asleep.

That’s where the dream ended. I woke up, as always happy to see the light. Happy to be alive and back in reality. But shaking, sweaty and afraid too. The images lasting in my mind the whole day and the day after. I was lucky to have a few good days before the dream would return to me again. Most important thing was I had woken up though.
But the reality had been different. Because this had actually happened to me. It wasn’t just a made up story, a fear of something that could be happening, or something I had seen in a movie once. It was my youth.
I had been locked up, and that time, despite everything, I had escaped the place by falling asleep.
When I woke up, I thought I had died. Because there was light. A lot of light. Too much of it. It was unreal. It was blinding me. It hurt me. But it made me so happy that for a few seconds I thought I was in heaven. But then I remembered that heaven was for good people, and I surely didn’t belong in there. Indeed, I was still alive. I didn’t know if I could feel relieved about that.
The man I hated the most in my life was standing before me. Hating him was a bad thing too, but I couldn’t help it. I knew he tried to help me to get rid of my sins. But by that he hurt me.
I tried to look up at him, but almost couldn’t move.
“Have you overthought your sins? Do you admit that you were wrong?”
I knew he expected an answer. I tried to nod, but I couldn’t move still. I tried to speak, but there was no voice left in my throat.
“You don’t want to answer? No answer is also an answer.” He stood there, looking down on me. I didn’t dare to look in his eyes.
“Look at me when I speak to you. Where are your manners?”
A kick in my side. I didn’t even react to it. I felt that it hurt, but there was no pain. I deserved this. Slowly, I looked up.
“Well, there’s only one solution. Seems like you haven’t learned still. When your father told us about your preference for men, we thought we could force it out of you, at least within two years. By talking, lecture, a casual lock up. We’ve never had someone so stubborn. Sometimes I start to believe you will never change. You’re worthless aren’t you? You’re a shame to this world. And you will be dumb too, now that we have to get you out of school some days. So what to do with you eh?”
He looked at me, waiting. But I’m sure he didn’t expect an answer. He should know that I couldn’t speak a word. Please let me out. Please free me. Let me be for a day. Let me write the text down. Don’t let me forget it. In my head I was begging. But I didn’t want to beg. Even though I knew I was a monster, I was unable to change my feelings. I had tried it. Of course I had. But no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted it, I couldn’t change myself or my feelings. I could try to ignore them, maybe. But I would never lose them. They were a part of me.
“I guess you need some more time to think it over. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.” The man stepped back, his hand on the door.
Fear crept into me. I knew what he would do. I knew he would close the door again. I knew I would be stuck again. I couldn’t have it. I couldn’t be so strong. I was a weakling, I had always known that. I would disappoint everyone. My father, my mother, my family. But I had always disappointed them, and I couldn’t go back in there. Not again.
I gathered all my strength. That couldn’t be much. But the panic gave me power I wasn’t aware of having. I got on my knees, then on my feet. I ran towards the door. It was closing, but I threw my body against it. The priest was thrown back by the door and fell. And I just ran. Out of the door, through the hallway, out of the building. I didn’t look back for once. I didn’t know where I was running, but when I stopped I saw that I had run home.
My mother was home. As soon as she saw me, and the way I looked, she started to cry. She never stood up against my dad, but she was having a horrible time seeing me like this. I knew that inside, she didn’t want me to get punished. But she didn’t dare to stand up for me. This time was different.
“Seunghyun,” she whispered, “oh Seunghyun…” She walked up to me, touched my broken lip, caressed my cheek. “You have to go, my son.”
I opened my mouth to try to say something, but she shook her head. “Listen to me, Seunghyun. I know I haven’t been there for you. I’m really sorry. I regret it all. For what it’s worth, I’ve been sparing money for you. You must take it and go. You can find a job somewhere, but move away. Pack some stuff, travel, go far. Your dad won’t be home for another five hours, he has an important meeting at work. But you know they will call him, they probably already have called. And he will know. This is your chance, Seunghyun. If you’re still here when he comes back, nothing will change. I know he will be mad at me. He will ask me where you are, so don’t tell me where you’re going. I will lose you, and it will hurt me so, so much. But you will be safe. You have to go. You deserve this chance.”
So I packed some stuff. She gave me the money. It all went so fast that I can’t remember all of it. I think my brain blocked some memories to protect me from myself.
I remember I walked to the front door, turned around and saw my mother walk up to me. She hugged me, then let go and gave me a kiss on my forehead.
“We will have contact again. I will find a way. Change the number on your cell phone and send me a message. Now go, before he comes back.”
So I turned around and walked out.
In the years that followed, I didn’t think about my feelings. I blocked them out. I didn’t date. I tried to be normal. I also tried to have as little contact with other people as I could. I never returned home. I called my mother some times, just to let her know that I was doing okay. I had taken several jobs before I saw some advertisements from YG entertainment and I made the sudden decision to audition. That day I had left home, I took everything I had written with me. And when I read it all back, although it hurt because of all the memories coming back to me, I found out that the words were strong. They showed so much emotion. I wasn’t the only one who thought that way, because when I auditioned at YG entertainment, the judges there wanted to read all of it. So I let them read. And I performed. And a couple of days later I was called, and I got the chance to change my life completely. I didn’t hesitate even once and grabbed that chance with both hands.
I was so happy that I received the opportunity to build up a life. Everything was going well. I was having less dreams every month. And the two weeks between the call and our first meet up with the band, I didn’t have one single dream. I thought maybe, finally, I could live a normal life without being afraid all the time.
That all changed when I met the other members of Big Bang for the first time. Not because they weren’t nice, or reminded me of the people I hated so much. G-Dragon, Seungri and Taeyang seemed nice guys to me, and I was sure we would get along well. But then there was Daesung. And from the moment I saw him stand there, nervously looking at the ground, I knew I was lost. Because the feelings I had blocked out for so long all came back to me at once. He was an angel. He changed me completely. I tried to stay out of his way as much as possible, because although I could never be happier than while being close to him, at night that happiness turned into fear. Because the dreams would come more often, they would be longer, darker, more intense. It was a constant fight. At day, despite my feelings, staying away from him. It didn’t always work out. Sometimes I was simply drawn to him. Desperate to have some contact. I paid for it during the night, when the dreams invaded my mind and I woke up restless and afraid.
This time wasn’t any different. The alcohol didn’t work out the way I had wanted it to. I woke up, screaming. In my mind I knew I had deserved this. Yesterday, after drinking too much beer, I had lost control and had been way too close to him. I had let him near. This was my punishment. Quickly, I looked at the bed next to me. Relieved, I noticed Daesung had already gotten up. I took a deep breathe. So I had to keep away from him the upcoming days, even if it meant ignoring him. Hurting him. Being mean. I just needed a peaceful night. I had to be strong. I couldn’t let myself go again. I had to do this.
A few seconds later,  I was already put to the test. Because the door was opened.
“Seunghyun, are you okay?” Daesung’s soft voice was full of hesitation and care.
My heart was lifted up. My body got all warm. But it hurt me at the same time. I hated myself. I really did. I hated that I had to do this. It hurt me so much to hurt him. But I had no choice.
“Go away, Daesung.” I said, trying to make myself sound emotionless even though the change in his eyes almost tore me apart. “Leave me alone.”
The pained look in his eyes was killing me, so I forced myself to look the other way. I pulled the covers over my head and closed my eyes, trying to ban the image of Daesung standing there out of my mind.