Chapter 6 ;;

I stopped him from killing himself. I felt relief wash over my whole body and I just found out I am trembling.

“Aish, Kim Jaejoong, don’t try to do stupid things again!” I scolded him through the water.

“Yunho, it’s so wrong to do stupid things. I’m sorry.” It was as if he’s hearing me. He answers me though not directly.

The pond turned into a blur and the fishes came back. Maybe it’s time to rest or do I even have to rest? I don’t feel tired, just hurt. My chest is hurting so bad I could die. Oh, wait. I’m already dead. I can’t die again.

I walked around, still admiring the beauty around me. The trees are just perfect and their colors are perfect too. The birds looked queer but too beautiful to even be described. I continued to trace an invisible path until I came across a familiar path. I walked farther just to see my house… our house… the house that Jaejoong and I used to share over the years.

The door automatically opened and I entered. Everything is the same as Jaejoong arranged it according to his taste. Everything is the same except the presence of a certain someone.

I found myself walking directly to our bedroom and memories of the night we got official flooded my brain.

×o×o×o× FLASH BACK ×o×o×o×

“Jaejoong, I’ve been thinking about this for so long. Too long I couldn’t even count it with my own hair.”

“Silly, Yunnie. Your hairs are even more than the days you had lived.” He corrected. I may be exaggerating but that’s how I express my feelings. “So what is it?”

“J-Jaejoong…” I stuttered. “First, I don’t know why I even had a girlfriend.” I saw his smile fell and he looked away.

“Jaejoong, every time I look at her, it’s you I see. Whenever we touch, I feel like cheating on you. It’s always like this. Your smile, your laugh, I can’t get off my mind. YOU! I can’t get you off my mind. Since the first time I saw you, I knew I’m going to like you. And that’s why when I saw your parents acting like that towards you, I could help but be hurt and feel the need to get you out of there, which I gladly did. Jaejoong, through all these years, can’t you feel? Can’t you feel how much I love you and how much I’m willing to spend the rest of my life with you?” My tears didn’t forget to fall after my confession.

“I love you too, Yunho. I love you, too.”

×o×o×o× FLASH BACK ENDS ×o×o×o×

And on that same night, in that same room, we made love. Not caring if neighbors hear us. We only care about us―no one else but us.

I remembered how he hugged me and kissed me and told me how much he loves me too. I remembered how I couldn’t contain my happiness and let myself cry in his hug. I remember… I remember… will I always just remember everything? Can’t I really have another chance? Even just for a day. Even just to have him in one date, and hold him for one dance... and I will play a song that will never end. I can’t just live like this, without him; although technically, I am not living.

I remembered whenever I am sick. He would tuck me in bed and sing for me with his angelic voice. He would tell funny stories and ask if I’m feeling okay every hour. He would absent himself from school or work just to be beside me. He would nag the pharmacist if they ran out of stock of the medicine I need. He would cook for me using his expert hands and every food he will do will turn out better than a chef’s. He would do everything.

Food… I left our room and walked towards the living room. I chuckled remembering the time he was drunk. He didn’t speak but he threw every china ware at me. Of course, they all shattered. Then he just cried, I was clueless and I don’t know how to calm him. I was scared that I might have done something to him and he didn’t like. I was scared he would just leave me at that. But last night, he told me the reason. He told me that he saw me flirting at the bar. I didn’t flirt, they flirted me, and those two are different, aren’t they? He’s really cute when jealous.

I cried, once again, when I saw his favorite apron. It was the apron I made back at college as a project for one of my subjects. There was a Yun-Jae embedded in it and a smiley. He said that that gift will always be better even he received a house and lot from someone else. Basically, he’s saying anything from me will be better than anything from someone else.

A scene flashed in my mind. I was a scene of Jaejoong, hurting and crying. Maybe if I let him go first, he will let go of me? Maybe I have to let him go? Maybe it’s time to let him go?

I breathed in and my mind debated for a while before I finally decided. Today, I’m letting him go. This is just not for me but also for him to be able to breathe properly without due anxiety in his heart. I have to do it now.

I imagined us in a garden. He’s leaning on me and I’m hugging him, breathing his scent.

“Jaejoong, even when I’m gone, continue to live. Do me a favor and love again. I can’t just link you to me. You have to live.” I whispered to him which earned me a frown.

“I can promise to live again… happily. But I can never promise to love again. It’s always you, Yunho. I don’t think there can be someone else.” He told me and saw myself fading away.

Somehow, letting him go feels bad. It felt as if I’ve done the wrong thing. It felt as if I had to take back my decision. And then a part of me wanted to go back to the pond, which I did.

I walked back, tracing the path to the pond I took a while ago. The walk felt long, not like when I was walking to our house. The path didn’t just expand, did it?

When I reached the pond, the fishes are in chaos. When they saw me, or maybe I assume they saw me, they moved around and formed a circle. The circle they formed soon showed me an image of Jaejoong, crying like he usually do since I’m gone.

Jaejoong is holding the jar that contains my ashes and he is standing on a cliff. He is whispering something I can’t hear and with his every whisper, I feel myself glowing.

He’s letting you go.

That was Yoosu’s voice I heard in my mind.

So, this is the feeling of being let go? It felt marvelous but at the same time, sad. Why am I sad? I should be happy, shouldn’t I? I really feel that what I’ve done is wrong.

You’ll be gone here soon. You’ll leave me too and I’ll see you again soon.

That was also Yoosu’s voice, saying his silent goodbye to me. I looked around to find the kid but he’s nowhere in sight.

When my sight came back to the pond, it showed a car, which lost its break and it is accelerating towards Jaejoong. My breath hitched and the next scene gave me the answers as to why I don’t feel right letting him go.

“Jaejoong!” I shouted with all my might and jumped to the pond. I can’t do anything, why?

I felt myself fading and I know this is the last. But I can’t just go like this. Not with Jaejoong’s condition. I tried to fight the wind just to keep me complete.

“No, no! You can’t take me yet!” I shouted and threw myself away. The pond still displays Jaejoong but it is fading too as quickly as I am fading. Jaejoong is fading. Jaejoong is fading. Jaejoong is fading. Jaejoong is…

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