He was the strongest. He was supposed to be the strongest out of them all. The one who would pull everyone together and get them to move on, and keep them from shedding any more tears. But why couldn't he? Why couldn't he move on from it all? Why couldn't he just get over the fact that he was gone? That he was never coming back?

 

     At least he was strong enough not to shed any tears.

 

     Strong? That wasn't strong. That was barely anything compared to what people went through. He was stupid not to shed tears. Everyone else was, so why couldn't he?

 

     Because even though refraining himself from crying wasn't anywhere near strong, he felt that it was the best he could do to keep everyone else from breaking.

 

     But nothing ever seemed to be enough. Never. No matter what he did, it was never good enough.

 

That's why he couldn't keep Himchan alive.

 

     Youngguk rubbed his face, kicking a stone into the water, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets. Everyone had given up on contact. Even Himchan's mom, who knew more than anyone the pain he was going through.

 

     Their friends, Daehyun, Jongup, Youngjae, everyone. Even if he had convinced them to move on, they couldn't convince him to move on. Joonhong even gave up after realizing that he was going to get no where.

 

     So, they all left. They decided that letting him get through this on his own was the best bet.....even if it wasn't actually.

 

***

 

     The sun was beginning to down, and he realized that this was his fifth day standing at the same place until dark. Something which would probably drive Himchan crazy.

 

     As he looked down at his shoes which were near the river's edge, he let out a breath and decided it would be a smart idea to head back, but by doing that, it would just start another day of an abnormal life without him.

 

     “.....Bang?”

 

     “Joonhong, I told you to go home. I'll be fine.”

 

     The man cleared his throat, and Youngguk heard leaves crunching behind him, signaling the approaching person.

 

     “Joonhong, I told you to go--”

 

     “Bang?”

 

     Youngguk stopped, along with his heart and lungs. He slowly turned around, not wanting him, if he thought who he thought it was, disappear. “H-Himchan?”

 

     Himchan smiled and nodded, waving lightly to the other. “Hi.”

 

     Youngguk's body working at quicker paces to turn itself regular again while his brain worked hard to process.

 

     He opened his mouth, then closed it. Then opened, then closed it again. He wasn't able to find what he wanted to say. Mostly because he didn't know if this was a dream, a sick joke, or if he was just seeing things.

 

     He shook his head, trying to grasp reality. No. He had held Himchan's cold, lifeless hand as his body was rushed into the emergency room after he.....

 

     He was sure that Himchan was dead. He remembered everything about that day. He remembered waiting and waiting only for a doctor to come out and give his condolences He remembered that to be the worst, most painful day of his life.

 

     “Himchan...you--” He stopped himself, trying to pull himself together enough to speak to him.

 

     “You BASTARD!” he snapped. “You left me miserable here, all by myself, and all you have to say is “Hi?” Why the hell did you go!? Were you just too much of a wimp to fight for your life!? Do you like seeing us all miserable!? Do you know how much pain you caused me!? Why!? Why the hell would you do anything like that!? I hate you! No, wait. I love you.....I-I-I don't know. I don't know if I should hate you or love you....I just...”

 

     Himchan let out a sigh and walked forward a little. “I didn't think you'd actually cry. I thought you were tougher than that, Bang. Have you gotten weak?”

 

     Youngguk wiped his face only to see that he was speaking the truth. After all the times he'd tried to cry, but couldn't, who knew seeing him again would trigger such an annoying emotion.

 

     “This is my first time since you left...”

 

     “Bang, I'm not sure whether to take that as an insult or a compliment. Are you suggesting I wasn't good enough to make the great Bang Youngguk cry? I should've made a bigger impact,” Himchan joked, using his thumb to wipe away the excess tears.

 

     Youngguk let his hand fall, breaking only into short sniffles. “I thought you would be angry if I cried.”

 

     Himchan smiled softly at him and shook his head. “I'd be angry if you didn't let anyone take care of you. All you do is take care of others. Don't you think it was your turn to cry?”

 

     Youngguk shrugged lazily, bringing his hand up to hold Himchan's on his face. “Please don't go anywhere yet.”

 

     Himchan nodded, putting his other hand on the other side of Youngguk's face. “I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me to. Don't worry.”

 

     Youngguk sniffled again and looked up to meet Himchan's eyes. “This is probably my last time to ever see you, and I'm yelling at you. Kind of rude of me, huh?”

 

     Himchan shook his head, letting his hands slide down to his sides. “No. You've got the right to. I'm a jerk for leaving you.”

 

     “No, it's okay. I understand. But...could I hug you?”

 

     Himchan's face turned slightly confused. “Of course you can. Why do you have to ask?”

 

     “Because I don't want you to disappear.”

 

     Himchan let out a small laugh and slid his arms around Youngguk's. “I just told you. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here as long as you need,” he whispered, resting his chin on Youngguk's shoulder. “I'd be a jerk to leave you now.”

 

     “You're already a jerk,” Youngguk mumbled, hugging the figure bone-crushingly tight.

 

     “I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I was wrong-”

 

     “Damn straight.”

 

     Himchan let out a sigh and pushed his face into Youngguk's neck. “It was wrong of me. I can't imagine what you're feeling.”

 

     “It's probably what you were feeling. Loneliness, right? I'm sorry I wasn't enough to make you change your mind about staying here.”

 

     “It's not your fault, Bang. What I did was something I had to. It had nothing to do with you. You were the one reason why I regret what I did. The one reason I almost didn't.”

 

     Youngguk's eyes started to become wet again as he thought over that day. “But I wasn't enough. I should have been enough. I'm so sorry-”

 

     Himchan punched Youngguk in the stomach, glaring up at him. “Don't you ever say sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about. And, I swear to      God, Bang. If you say it once more, I'll give you a reason to be sorry about, got it?”

 

     Youngguk looked at Himchan for awhile before nodding his head and pulled him back in.

 

***

 

     “Himchan?”

 

     Himchan looked over at Youngguk who was laying next to himself near the water's edge. “Hmm?”

     “What's it like? Being dead. What does it feel like?”

 

     Himchan shrugged, rolling onto his side to get a better look. “It's never warm. You can't feel the sunlight or touch the people you love.”

 

     Youngguk mimicked Himchan's movement and held his head up by his hand. “But you can touch me now, can't you?”

 

     Himchan nodded, reaching for Youngguk's hand. “Yeah, but it's only for a short time. Something I can do before I go. You know, right the wrongs.”

 

     “That stuff is real?”

 

     Himchan nodded, interlacing their fingers. “Yeah. That was the same thing I thought.”

 

     Youngguk nodded, letting a peacful silence take over them before he spoke up again. “Does it hurt?”

 

     “Does what hurt? Being dead?”

 

     “No.” He avoided eye contact and rolled back onto his back. “Dying.”

 

     “Bang, what are you going on about? You're not thinking of it, are you?”

 

     Youngguk shrugged, putting his hands behind his head. “It's not like I have a reason to stay alive.”

 

     “Bang Youngguk. Don't you dare kill yourself.”

 

     “Why?”

 

      Himchan shot up from his lying position. “Because it's cowardly! And you hurt the people you love he most!”

 

     “Then why did you do it?”

 

     Himchan flopped back down, letting out a large sigh. “I—look. Bang. Please, don't do anything like that. Don't even think about it.”

 

     “But why?”

 

     Himchan let out another sigh and sat up, his knee resting against Youngguk's side. “Because, I don't want you to. I want all of your dreams to be fullfilled. And I want each road you take to lead you to somewhere you want to go. When you're faced with tough choices, I want you to chose the one that means the most to you. I want this life to be all you want it to be, and your dreams stay big while your worries stay small. But most of all, I want you to keep moving forward and never look back. I want you to remember that, no matter how many things are bigger than you, you always mean to world to someone. Please, Bang. I couldn't live with myself if you ever did that.”

 

     Youngguk pushed himself up into a sitting position and grabbed Himchan's hands. “But, Chan-ah, we could always be together.”

 

     “I don't want to always be together if it means that I let the most important person in my life die. I want to watch you grow up and live out a      long, meaningful life. I don't want to see you die because of me. I'm not worth it.”

 

      “Don't say that. Of course you are!”

 

     “No, Bang. I'm one person out of billions. I'm honored to be your first love, but I don't want to be your last."

 

     Youngguk let out a sigh and looked down at their hands. “Do you understand, Bang?”

 

 

     Youngguk nodded softly, starting to play with their hands. “Yeah.”

 

     “Do you promise?”

 

     He nodded again, bringing Himchan's hands up to his face. “I'll promise if you never leave my side. Even if you're just a ghost, or whatever. Please, never leave my side.”

 

     Himchan nodded. “But, what if you're.....doing it?”

 

     “What makes you think I'm ever going to love anyone else?”

     Himchan glared at Youngguk and moved his knee quickly, hitting Youngguk. “Don't think that you can't fall in love again because of me. I'll just close my eyes, okay?”

 

     Youngguk kissed Himchan's hands and nodded. “Okay.”

 

---

 

a/n:

yes, I did use some of the lyrics from 'My Wish' from the Rascelflats for Himchan, but it works out well. 

so, here's another one-shot....yeah

what did I just write? pure fluff. awesome. 

so, leave a comment, friend, subscribe, whatever. it's all cool with me.

thanks.

-sage