How steadfast our love is? Sometimes I wonder. Moments come and go, like season, like the wind that flows.. Seconds passed so hastily, that even before I could go along, it runs faster and faster, until I could no longer reach, until it escapes from my grip. Time became our enemy. It may not seem evident. Perhaps it was just me, or maybe both of us knew but refused to address, being persons driven but such wild emotions. However as I lay beside him, with our warmth enveloping each other, the realization dawned over me, how time swept us, our raw passion being an agonist to such hasty pace. And honestly speaking, the thought sent me in a hole of confusion, of regret and possibly doubt. But how am I to know? I am only a girl in love.

 

"Why are you quiet?" I felt his hand s across my hips, his breathing I could count as his chest heaved against my back. I stayed in my position, enjoying his warmth as he nuzzled his chin on my shoulders. It was moments such as this when I lose control of myself, when my logic and rationality fails to overpower the hormones of ecstatic emotion that flooded me in such close proximity. That is the thing being with Jung Daehyun. I having weak control over my emotions as a girl was just a sad excuse to allow the man to enter and invade my life so quickly. Definitely, the young man had something in him that drew me the moment our world collided, like he cast a spell over me and use my weakness. But then it could really be the other way around. I admit, I am weak, fragile and gullible. And with a man such as Daehyun, it had gotten me weaker. And yet I can't fight against it. Because I fell to much on his spell. I am trapped by him.

His strong manly scent flooded my nostrils, as if tempting me to surrender everything that I've been controlling to just bring out what bothers my mind right now. I struggled hard hard to compete with his effortless charm, strengthening my rational self as tonight isn't like any other nights we shared. Tonight we drove too fast.

You know how scary it is to be on a ride, wheels on full speed, as if you were fighting against distance and time. And once you slow down, or abruptly stop, there would be shock, and it can severely be damaging. That was us, that was how hasty we were, and these reasons became my pillars of strength to get a grip of myself. I could not just let us continue to run at this quick pace. 

It took me a heavy lungful breath before I could respond. "It has just been 2 months, can you remember?" My voice was just as pretentious and yet I sound so weak.

"I know." Despite the short reply, I knew by the sigh that came after that he saw through me, that he knew what stream of thoughts are running in my mind right now. Like always.

"We went too fast." My words came out before I could filter them. But it was the cold hard truth that we had to face now. We were running on full speed, and before we knew it, we might end up in a crash, and I do not want that to happen. If I need to confront him in such situation then I would. Because I don't want to lose him.

"Daehyun..." I slipped out of his arms, propped myself to sit on the bed as I tucked the sheets to cover my body. My eyes settled on the white cover that sheltered both of our bodies from the cold night. I couldn't look at him straight in his eyes. Why is it so awkward now? I remember. It is the first time we would actually tackle about our relationship.

"Something is bothering you, right?" Like I expected, he easily followed through my thoughts. I felt him move from behind me but I kept my eyes off of him. For I know that once I look at him, I would lose this again. That was how captivating he is, and that is how he render me weak and helpless.

"We did this... Tonight for the second time... But... we are going too fast. We are too early for this." 

"Why are you saying this only now?" Worry rather than anger coursed through his voice. I could feel it as he took steps to near me, trying to tend the pain that was searing inside of me as I spoke. "I told you, I wouldn't touch you unless you want me to. I could have waited. Baby, you should have told me."

The way Daehyun called me baby was driving me insane. But what he said was another attack against my fragile self. "I know." was my reply. Truth be told, the first time we kissed, I did not complain. I did not stop him. I allowed him to brush his lips against mine, conquer my soul with his breathtaking kiss. That night when we finally made love, I did not stop him from kissing me all over, I allowed him to take over my bareness as I indulge myself with the overwhelming passion. It was my fault. No.  It was our fault. And I am not blaming him for this. Because I too, wanted it. My emotions blurred my judgment, and only now did I realize how wrong it was - how wrong we were.

"Daehyun.." Finally I was able to look straight into his eyes, and saw the anxiety and guilt washed over her brown orbs. "I am not blaming you. I wanted this. We both wanted this. But.. the thing is..."

"..we were too quick." He finished my sentence as he wrapped his arms around me once more.

"We are... Daehyun, I like you. I really do. Ever since we met at that bar, I knew I was attracted to you. And knowing how you were interested with me made me all the more yearn for you. Probably it was longing or the lack of such company that I yearned for you more than necessary. We started as acquaintance, and in a matter of one week we jumped into an intimate and close relationship. We didn't even have the time to get to know each other intricately...” By now I knew that the alcohol took over my senses. I could not give such honesty when I am sober, and pouring my heart out now, I know the alcohol had washed my inhibitions, slowly but surely.

"Is that it? What do you want to know about me? Come on. I'll tell you everything." 

"No Daehyun. You don't understand. We need to take things slow."

"You mean, break up, go down to being acquaintances, be friends, court you until you're mine? You want that?"

By now the tension was slowly building up. I know I am hitting a nerve on him. I didn't want him to get angry. But the alcohol consumed me.

"Jung Daehyun. I don't mean it that way"

"Then what?"

"You haven't even told me you love me."

He fell silent. My words shook him, but it struck me harder. During those two intimate months of our relationship, he would always tell me how beautiful I am, how I make him smile, how he wanted me. All those words of flattering but never came the word love. This was the main reason why I know we were going too fast than we should. Physical attraction was our beginning. We transcend too quickly, our actions being driven mostly of passion and raging emotions that we didn't even had the chance to confirm our feelings as love. I like him. I really do. He likes me, he told me from time to time. But love was something deeper. It was beyond our physical gravitation, of the kisses, and hugs we shared. It was something that I felt, we are lacking. Probably it was there, there was love, but was it enough? Was it enough that I think I love him that I do not want him to lose this way? What if he doesn't love me? What if he only wants my company? After few more months he would find someone new. 

I had no assurance in this relationship, because I never gained his love.

It probably is a one-sided love.

Pearls fell on my eyes, and before I knew it, I was already crying. This was the reality that I had to face. This is the reason why it was so hard for me to bring up such topic. Because once I question him, and found out the answer, I would lose him. He would leave me, still entrapped in his addicting charm. Because from the start, I never knew if he loves me or not.

Only two words came out of his lips after that long silence. Two words that I do not know how to respond. 

"Trust me." 

"How can I? If I do not even know if you love me."

"Babe..." His smooth hands brushed against my cheeks, wiping off the tears that continuously fell. The way he was tending me was somehow alarming. If he loves me, why can’t he just tell me? It is that easy.

“Daehyun-ah. Don’t make this hard for me.” Breaking free from him was the wisest thing to do. If he continued, I would only allow him to see how I deeply I had fallen for him, and how I will be broken once he leaves me.

I stood up and yet he pulled me back to bed, his arms now successfully wrapping my bare body. He dipped his face in the curves of my shoulders, and felt his shallow breathing searing in my skin. “Don’t leave me. I can’t live without you.”

“Tell me then. Tell me you love me. Just tell me and I am yours.” By this time, all I was yearning for was for him to utter those words, for him to proclaim his love for me. All I want is for him to say that he loves me, that I was not on a one-sided relationship, that I am not wasting my love for someone who only wants me physically. I was being irrational but I don’t care. Hearing those words would be the only way to make my heart at ease.

Much to my disappointment, he broke away from our embrace. Seeing him walk out of bed tortured my heart more than ever. This was it. He couldn’t tell me those words because he never did. And he was leaving me.

My ears trailed his footsteps. Each step pierces into my heavy heart like daggers shooting one by one. Did I make the mistake of questioning him, driving him out of my life? If I knew it was this painful, I could have just let us run on full throttle, enjoy until we crash to our end. But now it was over. He was finally leaving me. He never did love me.

The sound of his footsteps faded from outside the room, and there, came my tears gushing out. I buried my face on the bed, his scent still embedded in the sheets, as I recall those moments we cuddled each other, his hot lips hungry for mine, and most of all, his alluring smile. How could I forget that smile? That one smile that became his bait, and which I willingly took. That smile that turned my world around in a wonderful heaven during the past two months. I lost him. I lost my Jung Daehyun I lost the one I love...

“I love you.” The words were warm and smooth, his strong scent I could smell once again as I felt him embrace me from behind. His hands made way to mine, and as I looked I saw the red box he held open, a crystal shimmering under the night lamp.

“I wanted to tell you with much assurance. I wanted to tell you when I know that you were the one I am spending the rest of my life with. 2 months. I know. It’s been only two months but you have no idea how long I waited for you to officially come into my life. We did run fast. I know. But was it my fault that I yearn so much for you? That the moment you knew of my existence, finally, I wanted you to be wrapped in my arms all the time? You had no idea how much I waited for this two months, observing from behind, silently gazing at the beauty that you are, and falling deeper as a day pass by. And within these two months, I realized that the woman I that I wanted for years is the woman I want to keep forever. I’m so sorry that it took me so long. But I wanted to tell you when I am ready, when I am sure that you feel the same intensity of love as I do. Noona, I love you. Marry me.”

You see, that is the thing with Jung Daehyun. That only one sweet word made me crumble, and how his series of words of confession sent me high into heavens. I felt his warm hands exploring my back, and soon my lips found his. I melted in his kiss, and it was the greatest feeling. Like I found my home, my heart. “Pabo. You could have just popped into my life sooner.”

How steadfast our love is? I never thought his love was greater than I had for him. I never thought that all along I was wrong. Why am I always weak and gullible? That I didn’t even notice how much love he had for me, even way back before we actually met, that he was a deeper man than I thought he was. That it took him years to prepare himself to be worthy of my love. Being the weak and gullible woman that I am, how am I to say no? I am, after all, just a girl in love.

 

“I do, I'll marry you.”

Well, scratch that. We are in love.