I tossed and turned for hours in my bed, Even though I wouldn't admit it to myself, I wanted Ji here beside me. I wondered if he was still here, or weather he'd gone now. It was 3 in the morning now, hours had passed and my clarity had come back. Remembering what I did at the restaurant was a scary thought for me to remember. What if the others had picked up on what I said? I didn't want everyone to think I was gay, I mean- I didn't even know myself. I was scared of being judged. I didn't want to feel bullied again like I did when I was younger, I didn't want to be laughed at or ridiculed. Ji was always the confident one of out of us both.

I couldn't make my mind up though and even if I did love Ji, being open about it would be a whole completely different level for me to overcome. All I knew, is that right now- I wanted to be with him. I'd never craved someone so much, never needed anyone this much. All of these emotions just seriously confused me. I got out from my bed, not knowing what to do. I walked downstairs, darkness. I sighed knowing that he'd probably gone.

I felt sad, depressed so I did the only thing that I felt would help me at that time. I got a bottle of red wine out and the TV. I found a glass and poured a generous amount into the glass for my enjoyment and sat watching various dramas all night. I couldn't even sleep which made things worse. I found my mobile looking at it, debating with myself whether I should call Ji. I stared at it blankly for ages, I sighed not being able to do anything. I just watched more TV, drinking more again. To me getting drunk seemed to be the only way I could forget things for a little while.

The next thing I notice was the sun started beaming through the curtains of my house, It was morning now. I'd not slept and I was drunk again. Blocking all thoughts out of my head was the only thing I could do.  I wasn't sure what I was more scared of; Being gay or hurting Ji. My head hurt, the drink didn't even help. I guess the pain was no longer physical but emotional too. Hours passed with my just passed out in front of the TV; After a while I decided I should write my feelings down; Like a diary- That way I might feel like a weight has been lifted off from me. So I pulled out an empty notebook I had from my bookshelf and began writing in it.Must of took an hour of my time to find the words to write everything which had happened so far. After that I sighed and again looked at my phone, nothing.

I walked out to the balcony where we were last night, only my glass and the remains of Ji's cigarette remained. That's all I had to remember him by. I was supposed to be at the recording studio hours ago but I figured Ji wouldn't want me there anyway. With nothing to do and no-one to see I stupidly picked up my phone and called one of the girls I usually slept with over. I guess I was desperate the get rid of the feelings I had for Ji. I showered and got dressed covering up the person I really was. I went down to the kitchen and put a new wine bottle in an ice bucket for the both of us. She soon appeared, the one night stand women, what was the point in a name. She knew why she was here and as degrading as it sounds that' the way the world was. A pretty girl, fairly young, nice skin, gorgeous frame and figure. Small talk was produced, nothing in depth. It never was with these type of women. After drinking a bottle of wine, we went upstairs, it was always the same. Compared to Ji making love to this women felt empty. I felt empty. Just another meaningless .

She'd fallen asleep now, Guess I wore her out. I left her peacefully in my bed whist I left. I went downstairs, taking some headache pills. My head was pounding fairly hard now. I'd drank way to much within the last day, I'd not stopped drinking since being at the restaurant last night. I left the house, I couldn't stay. I took a long walk along Han river as my house had a view of it. That's why I loved my balcony. I needed to get out of my house, away from everything. I couldn't be long though, You can never trust women you don't know with your personal stuff, all sorts could be leaked into the press. I lit up a cigarette like I normally did, These habits began taking over my life. I decided soon to return home as I couldn't bear all the thought of Ji attacking my mind as I walked. I missed him.

I ran away last night, I left Seunghyun alone, asleep in his room. It's late into the afternoon now. Time had passed drastically for everyone else but not myself. These hours without him began to take a drag on my life. I was sat in the studio fixing our song that we'd been recording. He was supposed to be here with me today but I had a feeling he wouldn't come after yesterday. It would be embarrassing for him anyway. Psy had already been telling everyone what he'd blurted out last night. I shrugged it off, telling everyone I didn't know what he was talking about- I was good at lying; Yet that's never a good thing. I sighed sitting back into my comfy spinning chair with my headphones blurting Seunghyun's singing voice down my ears, to me it sounded perfect but I knew he'd want to re-record until it was perfect to his standards.

To be honest, even though I knew he wouldn't come deep down I hoped he would. I knew I shouldn't chase him so I didn't ring or bother him; even though I wanted to talk to him so badly. I guess I was just being stubborn about things. I spent hours along in the studio and I soon gave up being unable to concentrate. I left the YG building and jumped into my car. No-one noticed my absence which I was thankful for at the time. I think they all noticed that I wasn't myself anyway. I soon returned to my house, cuddling up on my sofa with a hot coffee. It seemed everywhere I went all my thoughts just overwhelmed my mind. I couldn't escape from them. I picked up my phone wanting to ring him, I pressed the dial button and after a second of it ringing I hung up. My heart was beating to fast, I couldn't do it.I wanted someone to talk to though- So I rang Taeyang up hoping he could come over.

'Bae, can you come over? I need the company?' I said whining down the phone. I heard Taeyang sigh softly, I could hear people in the background and then realised he was probably busy.

'Ah, if you're busy you don't have too.' I added not wanting him to stop having fun to see me.

'I can come, I just need an hour as I'm here supporting SeungRi on his photoshoot.' He said softly, reassuring me he would come over.

'Really? An hour? Are you sure because I don't want to drag you away. I'd feel bad.' I said making sure he was willing to leave. He laughed softly.

'Ji, it's not like I was going to stay at the shoot all day. I said I'd be over in an hour, so I'll be over in an hour. Stop feeling bad.' He said seriously, almost patronizing me.

'Okay Bae, See you in an hour then.' I said not wanting to argue about it. I hung up throwing my phone away from me on the other side of the sofa. I sat and finished my coffee whilst it was warm and flicked on the TV whilst I waited hoping it would distract my trail of thoughts. I must of fallen asleep in the progress as I was awoken by the doorbell which startled me. Taeyang stood at the door with a smile.

'We're going out, C'mon' He said happily practically forcing me out of the house. I grabbed a jacket and slipped on my shoes before leaving with him wondering where he'd take me.

'Bae, where are we going?' I asked curiously as we sat in his car. He had a big grin, smiling happily.

'Seungri has invited us both to a party, we're going. It'll cheer you up. I could tell yesterday you weren't yourself, you're letting things get to you and stress you out so we're going to have fun~' He said happily, I guess he really wanted me happy.

'Fine, we'll go. At least there's free drink.' I said laughing. I guess tonight would be another night where I remembered nothing.