September 21, 2012

Kim Jongdae hands me a mug of hot chocolate and I stare blankly at it, wondering when he ordered it because I hadn’t noticed. Whatever, it doesn’t matter to me. My hands are frozen from being out in the rain though so I wrap them around the mug, sighing inwardly at the warming feeling.

“Sehun-ah, how are you?” Kim Jongdae asks me suddenly and I do a double take. Did he seriously ask me that question? And why on earth would he?

“How do you think I am?” I hiss at him through gritted teeth. “You drove my sister away and now I have no clue where she is. How do you expect me to feel?”

He sighs and nods slowly in resignation, turning to gaze out the window again. “I know,” he whispers, “it’s my entire fault. I didn’t see what a beautiful person your sister was until it was too late. I was blinded.”

It’s both our faults, I want to say but I don’t. I won’t let Kim Jongdae know that I don’t think it’s his entire fault. I’ll let him continue thinking that, I’ll let it be a silent punishment for him. My fingers curl into the mug, nails scraping the polished porcelain. I’m drawn to the sights outside the window again, staring as people go by. I wish I could be one of them, without a care in the world just able to carry on with my life.

“And you can see now?” I ask instead. “Those eyes you couldn’t see with before, they can see everything now can’t they? All the little details, the small things she did for you. That’s all you can see, isn’t it?”

Kim Jongdae does not reply, but merely sips at his cold coffee. I know what his answer is though.

“Good. Then maybe you will suffer as much as my sister did,” I choke on those last words, every single memory of my sister’s pain flooding into my mind all at once drowning me in my own sorrow and guilt.

For it was not only Kim Jongdae’s fault that she isn’t here right now, it is my own as well.

---

November 1, 2011

The air is getting chilly, frigid winter wind always breezes by me when I have to walk to the bus stop. I dig the toe of my shoe into the cement sidewalk and wait with my arms wrapped around my body in an attempt to preserve my body heat. Eunsun noona stands beside me with the brightest smile blooming on her face as she greets the normal passengers at the bus stop. They can’t help but return her smile and I even feel myself warming up a bit because of her personable, cheery aura.

“Hunnie Bear, aren’t you cold?” she asks with her lips twisting into a small pout. She steps closer to me and pulls me into her arms, squeezing me tightly in a bone crushing hug.

“N-noona! I can’t breathe!” I choke out and flail my arms to try and push her away. She giggles before loosening her grip on me but still keeps me close with her arms securely around my torso. The other people waiting watch with different ranges of reactions. I see the flower shop ahjumma chuckle and murmur something to the business man who also laughs quietly. The twins are glowering at me, their eyes seething with jealousy and I bet they were cursing me in their psychologically connected minds. I swear, those twins definitely have some kind of telepathic connection. Twin telepathy, it’s real, trust me.

Anyways, I manage to catch one part of what the ahjumma whispered to the man and heat rises to my cheeks.

“…a cute little boy.” That was the only phrase I heard and I couldn’t help feeling embarrassed. I’m not a little boy nor do I want to be referenced as cute. Hot or y, now those are better words to describe me not that I think of myself as that.

“Noona, let me go,” I protest as I try to wriggle out of her hold on me.

“Aww, but why? It’s so cold out so staying like this is warmer,” she replies, still not letting go of me.

“Because it’s embarrassing,” I shoot back. A sigh of relief escapes me when she finally releases me. Tugging at my clothes, I fix myself up so I’ll look presentable when I get to school. Rolling my shoulders back, I see the bus heading down the street. “Finally, I thought I was gonna freeze out here.”

“Don’t be like that Hunnie Bear, it’s not that cold out,” Eunsun noona says as she ruffles my hair. I hate it when she does that.

“Noona, please stop doing that,” I say, attempting but failing at keeping the malice from my tone. Luckily, and not that surprisingly, she isn’t hurt by my harshness but the smile does fade from her face if only for a second.

“Oh, alright.” She pouts in a way that would make anyone question how old she really is but reluctantly lets me go, much to my relief.

When the bus stops in front of us, I nearly cry with relief because I have never been so cold in my life. Now, I’m not saying the bus is a complete godsend since that’s an over exaggeration but I am saying that I would much rather stand on a crowded bus warmed by the heat emanating off the other passengers than stand around outside with the wind nipping at my skin.

Eunsun noona is all smiles and fluttery waves, looking like she just stepped out of a children’s coloring book in her mismatched brightly colored clothes that would be easily spotted from a mile away. Glancing around, I recognize most of the people sitting down or standing and they recognize my sister of course, answering her polite, chirpy greetings with their own. Then, I notice a few passengers who I’ve never seen before and they throw my sister the oddest looks, as if they can’t believe anyone would ever go out in public dressed in neon yellow socks and other random colors of the rainbow. I guess it’s true though since my sister isn’t just anyone, and sometimes I love her for that but most of the time I can’t really say.

Either way, I throw those newbies a dirty look and they notice me and my piercing stare. They turn away quickly and I can’t help the smirk sprouting on my lips because I managed to intimidate them.

Feeling proud of myself, I fix my posture and stand upright to make my presence more domineering and even more intimidating, because I think I remember hearing someone say that one’s posture tells a lot about them. Maybe if I walk more confidently in front of Hyeseul, she’ll recognize what an awesome guy I am and want to date me. It’s just a hopeful thought, but hey, it could happen.

It seems like my plan is working since Eunsun noona flashes me a different look than she normally does. Her eyebrows inch up slightly and her smile is tiny, respectful as if she is smiling at an adult rather than her little brother. It makes me feel happy.

---

An okay day turns into a “what the ” day when I get to class and realize I forgot my calculus homework at home. I actually did it too! It’s an extremely frustrating and embarrassing feeling when your forgetful math teacher stands in front of your desk interrogating you about your homework while the whole class stares you down, laughing in their minds. Kai and Tao, however, happen to be snickering out loud and I question why I chose to sit between them in the first place. It’s like sitting between Satan and Hitler. Except add that to the fact that calculus is basically hell on Earth.

Even after desperately clinging to my sanity during that class, the rest of the day doesn’t go well either. Kai and Tao happen to decide to make my life an unbearable hell hole that day and tease me mercilessly on not only what went on in calculus but also on my admiration for Hyeseul. One time, Kai grabbed my notebook and threw it to Tao who scribbled “I love Hyeseul” all over the front before passing it back to Kai who drew a crude stick figure picture of what was supposed to be Hyeseul and I kissing.

At lunch, Kai invites Hyeseul to sit with us and I have the urge to strangle him except that she actually agrees and even brings her small group of friends with her. So, since I’m a cool guy, I keep my composure and try not to hyperventilate when Hyeseul takes a seat beside me and our arms accidentally brush together.

Immediately, Kai strikes up a conversation with the girls easily, his smooth, baritone voice mesmerizing them in ways that I just don’t understand. Tao fumbles with his Korean as always but the girls giggle and find it endearing for God knows what reason. For the most part, they ignore me and I’m quite alright with that because Hyeseul has put her full attention into a conversation with me.

Although, I haven’t been listening and I feel kinda awkward when she looks at me, blinking expectantly as if she’s just asked me a question. And , she did, didn’t she? My palms are growing clammy now and I wipe them on my jeans anxiously because I don’t have a clue as to how to respond.

So, I say the most intelligible thing I’ve ever said, “Huh?”

“I was asking how you’re doing with calculus. I’ve been busy for the past two weeks because I had family visiting so we couldn’t really meet up for any tutoring sessions,” she repeats patiently and yeah, I really think she’d be an amazing teacher. “Are you having any trouble?”

“N-no. Not really. I’m a little confused about what we’re learning now, but I think I can work it out on my own,” is my comprehensible reply and I am thoroughly surprised that I didn’t babble.

“Oh, but I have no problem with helping you! We can even meet up after school today, if you’re free,” Hyeseul says with a smile.

I hope my jaw hasn’t unhinged itself from the rest of my face and my hand unconsciously touches it and it’s safe to say that my jaw is still shut. But, that doesn’t mean my heart isn’t beating at mach speed. The fact that she wants to meet up with me coupled with her beautiful smile makes my head spin.

“Sure!” I jump at any opportunity to spend more time with her. My enthusiasm must be amusing because Hyeseul chuckles quietly and I’m blushing bright red right now.

“You’re cute,” she mumbles. Or, that’s what I think she said. She probably said something else and my brain is making stuff up now. Yeah, that’s it.

And just when I think my day was getting better, a certain tall, lanky boy saunters over to the table and gracelessly squeezes himself in between Hyeseul and me. My jaw drops, dumbfounded, as I stare at this intruder hoping to bore a hole into his thick skull. Can he not see that I was talking with Hyeseul?

“Hello Chanyeol,” Hyeseul greets him naturally and it might be my imagination but I think she smiled wider than she did while talking to me. This time, I pray it’s my imagination.

“Hi, Hyeseul! How are your aunt and uncle? Did they go back to Kwangju already?” Chanyeol asks in that astonishingly deep voice of his.

“They’re doing fine. And yeah, they went back a few days ago,” she answers.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I feel like Chanyeol knows more about Hyeseul and her life than I do and that is not okay. I would love to hang out with Hyeseul more and get to know her more than Chanyeol but Eunsun noona always has some type of chore for me to do at home right after school is over. Hopefully, she won’t need me today because I will not let this chance to spend time with Hyeseul slip away.

All of a sudden, Hyeseul and Chanyeol became immersed their own conversation and they both forgot me completely. There’s no way to dig my way into the conversation without sounding nosy or just plain desperate so I take interest in my lunch.

And for some reason, everyone in the cafeteria is looking at me and I stop chewing my food slowly, glancing up to see Eunsun noona standing before me. It’s no secret that she’s my older sister but it’s rare that we’re ever seen together.

“Sehun-ah, can you come see me for a minute?” she asks softly, gently, and a trigger goes off in my mind that something’s wrong.

Nodding silently, I get up and wave to my friends and Hyeseul before following my sister out of the cafeteria. Luckily, everyone lost interest in us quickly and no prying eyes watched us leave. Eunsun noona leads us quite a ways down the hall from the cafeteria until we’re standing by one of the first year classrooms and she comes to a stop abruptly.

“Noona, is there something wrong?”

“Sehun-ah…”

“Noona, what is it?” This is getting a little worrisome now and I notice that Eunsun noona is chewing her bottom lip nervously and wringing her hands together. She drags the tip of her right foot back and forth on the ground in a habit she’s always had whenever she’s anxious. And she also called me by my actual name which is scary already.

“…I’m thinking of asking Jongdae-ssi out on a date,” she finally says and I sigh with relief that it isn’t something major.

“What?” I blurt out in bewilderment because I certainly wasn’t expecting that.

“Is it too early? Do you think he likes me at all?” she mutters.

I’m frightened now because I’ve never seen Eunsun noona act this insecure over anything. She always makes decisions with certainty and goes into things thinking that one chance taken leads to a million more. This is the first time where she has hesitated in taking a chance. So, I think, this is what Kim Jongdae does to her. He drives her to a point where she is even scared of taking a risk, diving into an opportunity. And I conclude, in my own way, that Kim Jongdae is not good for my sister.

“Noona,” I sigh, “I don’t think Kim Jongdae is the right guy for you.”

“Oh Sehun, how dare you call a teacher by his full name? Didn’t I teach you how to be respectful?” Eunsun noona reprimands me like a child and maybe it’s the ty day I’ve been having or maybe it’s because she keeps treating me like I’m eight but I suddenly don’t care what happens between her and Kim Jongdae anymore.

“Fine, then go ahead and ask Mr. Kim out!” She looks shocked when I snap at her viciously with an air of sarcasm underlying “Mr. Kim” because I don’t give a about respecting Kim Jongdae. “I have to finish my lunch now.”

Turning my back on her, I start stalking away from my sister without glancing back. Half of me expects her to run after me and scold me for snapping at her but she never does. I listen for her footsteps to see if she’ll even move but I hear none. It’s a little unnerving now so I quickly throw my head over my shoulder to peek at her but she’s already gone.

There is nothing for me to do but sigh and continue my trek back to the cafeteria.

---

After dragging myself through the rest of the school day, which was filled with nothing but boring , I finally get to the thing I’ve been waiting for the whole day; my date, err sorry I mean, my tutoring session with Hyeseul. 

Both my mind and my body are completely exhausted and it didn’t help that today we played dodge ball in P.E. Kai and Tao ganged up on me and pelted me so many times, I think I might wake up with bruises tomorrow morning. I swear I will get them back for all the they put me through one day.

Anyways, lugging my weary self to our school’s library where Hyeseul decided we’d meet, I begin to perk up a bit and walk with the best posture I can manage. I don’t want Hyeseul thinking I’m a lazy, unruly person. Before I enter the library though, I check my appearance and when everything is perfect, I stride in with confidence.

But then, my phone rings. And it isn’t on vibrate, no, it’s just my luck that I walk into the library and have my phone blaring Gee by Girls’ Generation making everyone stare at me. My cheeks flush and I duck my head down in embarrassment. That damn Kai, changing my ringtone again.

All I want to do is just turn around and run out of the library before Hyeseul sees me but it’s too late because she appears at my side out of nowhere and I yelp, much to my increased embarrassment.

She whisks me out of the library in one swift motion and oh God, she puts her arm around mine to pull me to the side. Then she says in the angelic voice, “You should answer your phone.”

I’m almost too mesmerized to listen but I catch myself quickly and nod, answering my phone. Slightly self-conscious, I mutter, “Hello.”

“Hunnie Bear?” I feel bitter when I hear Eunsun noona’s voice. Did she actually ask Kim Jongdae out? And if she did, what did he say? There’s no way for me to tell from her tone because she sounds as perky and cheerful as always.

“Noona? What wrong?” Asking her this comes naturally to me, even if I am frustrated with her.

“Where are you?” Her voice trembles just barely and I wouldn’t have noticed if I didn’t know my sister and her mannerisms so well.

“At the school library. Why? Noona, did something happen with Ki—Mr. Kim?” I reply.

“Are you busy? Can you come home right now?” She blatantly, or chooses, not to answer my question and it’s unsettling.

“Sorry noona, but I’m a bit bus-“

“Please?” she pleads, interrupting me.

“No, seriously noona. I’m busy,” I finally manage to say.

“Sehun-ssi, is everything alright?” Hyeseul asks from beside me.

Moving the phone away from me so Eunsun noona won’t hear, I reply, “Yeah, everything’s fine.”

“I have to go noona, bye,” I mutter back into the phone and hang up before my sister can answer. Shutting my phone off, I stuff it back in my pocket and flash a smile at Hyeseul. “Alright, let’s go learn calculus!”

Hyeseul laughs and I feel as if I’ve just won the Olympics, her laughter being my gold medal and her smile being my trophy. Together, we head back into the library and this time people glance at us but look away right after, uninterested. It’s a relief on my part and a blessing that Hyeseul leads us to a somewhat secluded corner of the library. She sits on one of those giant comfy bean bags and pulls another one close to her, patting the seat.

I know I’m probably blushing as I take that seat so I quickly pull out my calculus book and begin to bury my face in it. She giggles softly and then we begin our tutoring session which turns out to be more of me gazing at her while she explains things to me that fly right over my head. But, it doesn’t matter because this moment is too good to be ruined by the likes of calculus.

Later that night though, I come home to find Eunsun noona curled up on the couch watching a drama. I can hear the female lead sobbing on the screen and the flashing screen reflects the two trails of tears on her cheek. It must be a pretty good drama if it’s making Eunsun noona cry like that, I think as I skip up the stairs to my room after a wonderful date, okay sorry, tutoring session with Hyeseul.

---

September 21, 2012

Now, I perch in this chair in a quaint little café beside Kim Jongdae, sipping at steaming hot chocolate with eyes that can see what I didn’t see just one year ago.

These eyes I have now, I wish I’d had them that November day. Maybe then I would have seen that the tears streaming down my sister’s cheeks were not over a cliché drama, but the feeling of being ignored by the two people she cared for most in the world. I would have seen the scar Kim Jongdae gave her that day, rejecting her cruelly with no care in his heart. I would have seen the crack in her heart caused by her selfish little brother who wasn’t there to comfort his sister in her time of need.

However, there are many more chances I let slip between my fingers, many more opportunities my eyes couldn’t see back then and are now gone forever.