September 21, 2012

I stand and walk away from my sister’s bed. The way her bed sheets are still made the way she liked it is too unbearable for me to be around. It reminds me of her too much. It’s like digging into a cut that’s already too deep.

But still, I wander around her room foolishly. I want to move on. I want to forget. But I can’t. I am stuck in this place. I am condemned to walk through my own house being haunted by memories of my sister. I try to take down all the photos, all the remnants of her that are scattered throughout the house but something stops me from doing so. It’s just a single thought but it wrecks my resolve every time.

Maybe, she will come back.

I remember hearing Kim Jongdae whisper that to himself over and over again like a mantra two days ago. He came to our home in hopes of finding her, holding a note in his hand as silent tears slip down his cheeks. I didn’t want to let him inside but he begged me and I knew my sister would have let him in, so I did even though I wanted to kick him out. I wanted him to leave. I never wanted to see his face again. How could he hurt my sister so badly and then show up, saying he was sorry and that he actually loved her?

 I remember standing by the door to her room as he kneeled on the floor by her bed. His head was in his hands and he chanted the words in some kind of prayer.

She will come back.

She will come back.

She will come back.

However, words aren’t enough to bring a person back when they don’t want to come back. Jongdae’s words merely fluttered into the air, getting into a vacuum before they could ever reach my sister’s ears.

Maybe, if she saw him now she would come back. Hope swells in my heart at the thought and then it deflates when I realize I don’t know where she is. I can’t find her and tell her that the man she loves finally loves her back.

Then, I think, maybe she wouldn’t come back. Would she want Kim Jongdae again, even after everything he did or didn’t do? I certainly wouldn’t.

---

September 30, 2011

Wednesday morning. I expect to be woken up by my sister’s voice as she sings some kind of upbeat song. I wait for the curtains to be thrown open and my sister to call my name, telling me that I need to get up. However, it doesn’t happen.

My eyes pop open in surprise when my own alarm clock wakes me instead. My alarm clock hasn’t gone off in years. I set it every day but Eunsun noona would come in and turn it off, choosing to wake me herself.

But today, she did not. I woke to the sound of radio show hosts talking about the weather, saying how it was a beautiful day. The week is looking to be a good one. No rain, just lots of sun. Temperatures are in the perfect range, not too hot but not too cold. I tire of their conversation and groan in annoyance as my hand flails for the alarm clock I haven’t had to turn off in years.

My first thought is to find out where my sister is and what she is doing. Then, I think why should I care? It’s a relief that I didn’t have to be woken up like a child. No teen in high school has their older sister giving them a wakeup call.

So instead of looking for my sister, I go about my morning routine. It doesn’t take long until I’m in my uniform with my bag slung over my shoulder. Sluggishly, since I’m too tired for school, I trudge down the stairs. A warm breakfast is supposed to greet me when I walk into the kitchen but that’s not the case today.

I don’t find appetizing food on the table but there is a tiny yellow post-it with a note - written in purple pen - from my sister. Picking it up, I chuckle at the many smiley faces and frowney face drawn on the paper.

Dear Hunnie Bear, :)

Sorry I couldn’t wake you up this morning. :( I have to go to school early today. Did you know that the first day we met Jongdae-ssi was actually his birthday? I feel terrible for not knowing so I have to make up for it. I got him a surprise. I hope he likes it. :D Anyways, breakfast is in the fridge. Warm it up and eat, okay? Don’t you dare try to skip breakfast! Noona will know! See you at school Hunnie Bear. <3

The note is so childlike but it’s also my sister. If the note didn’t sound like that then I’d have to be worried. I crumple the note and toss it in the trash. Then, I open the fridge. There is a neatly packed breakfast that I grab and place on the table. Closing the refrigerator, I take an apple out of the basket of fruit and bite into it.

I shove the breakfast in my backpack. I know one of my friends will eat it for me. It’ll probably be Tao. He eats anything. In fact, he’s obsessed with my sister’s cooking so I might even be able to get him to pay me for it. I’ve needed some extra cash so I could get a new pair of Nikes.

Finally, I head off to school.

---

At school, I meet up with Tao and Kai. They’re my best friends albeit they are annoying sometimes. I mean, how come all the girls think Kai is so hot and he acts like it’s nothing? Girls drool over him and he waves it off? Damn narcissist. Yeah, he says he doesn’t care about the attention but I know he loves it. I can see it so easily. Every time a girl gives him some kind of present, he smirks that cocky, self-satisfied smirk. But, despite that I guess he’s a cool guy. He wouldn’t be my friend if he wasn’t.

And then, there’s Tao. Huang Zitao. The Wushu master that captures girls hearts in a flash. The Chinese student whose awkward Korean skills girls find cute for some reason. I don’t understand the female mind. Tao has these mean looking eyes that scare me sometimes. I feel like he’s angry at me but all he’s doing is spacing out. Oh well, at least he’s a nice kid. Kinda weird at times but I got past that.

Pulling out the packed breakfast, I hold it out in front of me.

“Okay, so who wants a meal made by my sister? The price starts at 10,000 won,” I say. Tao’s hand immediately shoots into the air and his face lights up in an instant.

“10,000 won, right here!” he exclaims.

Kai snorts and rolls his eyes. “Are you seriously selling your sister’s food?”

“Hey, she made your favorite bibimbap Kai!” I announce. A tiny whoop of victory jeers in my mind when I see Kai’s eyebrows rise. He tries to hide the fact that he’s interested but I can see right through him. “So, you were saying?”

My poking and prodding gets to him and he raises his hand. “Fine. 15,000 won,” he states.

“20,000!” Tao shouts, as if I’m not standing right next to him.

“21,000,” says Kai calmly.

“30,000,” Tao huffs while he sends daggers at Kai with his eyes. Holding his hands up, Kai admits his defeat.

“Alright, you win. But you gotta share with me.”

“No way, I’m buying this with my own money. Get your own bibimbap,” Tao replies snidely. He cheers in triumph when I hand him his prize. My hand waits for him to place the money he owes me. My fingers curl around the bills and I smile. Easy money.

The three of us march towards our classroom. My mind wanders to what class we have and I groan out loud when I realize what it is. It’s the bane of my existence, the crusher of all my hopes and dreams. It’s math. Calculus to be exact. Our teacher can barely function. He’s so forgetful that sometimes I think he can’t even remember his own name. I wonder how he ever became a teacher.

Just as we’re about to walk into the room, I see my sister walking by. She’s talking to Kim Jongdae again. He smiles and nods but I can tell he doesn’t really care and he’s not really listening. I wish I could go up to him and smack some sense into him. I admit that my sister is too perky at times but he should at least have the courtesy to pay attention to what she’s saying.

Looking a little more closely, I can see a box in his hand. It’s rainbow colored and I know it’s from my sister. The first bell rings and my sister quickly waves goodbye and scurries to her office. I move towards the classroom again but something Kim Jongdae does makes me freeze. I stare with wide eyes as he drops the present into a trash can. Without a second glance, Kim Jongdae walks away.

I can’t believe he would do that. In my mind, Kim Jongdae just threw away a chance. A chance to have my sister’s heart, a chance to deserve it.

Before I can walk over and beat him, Kai and Tao drag me into the classroom. Mark my words Kim Jongdae; I will make you regret throwing that gift away.

---

September 21, 2012

The sound of my chuckle is dry and raspy as it grates at my worn out throat. Those words back then turned out to be an empty threat. I never made Kim Jongdae pay for tossing out that present. In fact, I never even confronted him about it.

No, I was preoccupied with my own problems that day. I got distracted and I disregarded the fact that a man had just chucked my sister’s heart into a trash can.

I could have saved her love but instead I was thinking about my own love, my own crush.

But now, that crush is gone as well. She’s not mine anymore.

And I think to myself, as I wander around my sister’s room, maybe if I had helped my sister than she could have helped me. Maybe, I’d still have them both in my life right now, had I taken the right chances.