September 21, 2012

There seems to be something buzzing, ringing, incessantly. I can feel it in my pocket, nagging at me. My hand reaches into it and pulls out my cell phone. It’s funny how my brain feels detached from the rest of my body. It’s dysfunctional and collapsing in on itself however my body still moves on its own. I’m like a machine. I don’t have thoughts that process what I should or shouldn’t do. At this moment, I am not me. I am not Oh Sehun but the broken robot that my sister left behind.

That robotic Oh Sehun now answers the phone with a shaky, “Hello?”

“Sehun-ah…It’s me.”

I don’t reply. Instead, I wait for him to continue. He doesn’t deserve to hear me respond to his desperate calls, asking whether she came back or not. There is a slight pause as Kim Jongdae inhales deeply.

“Look, can you just meet me at that café by the school? You know the one, right?”

I do know which café he’s talking about. But do I want to meet him there? Robotic Oh Sehun answers for me.

“Yes, I know the café. No, I won’t meet you.”

I meant for the words to sound angered, spiteful, bitter, but they came out sounding emotionless. I try to fixate an emotion onto my face which remains as a blank mask, showing nothing.

“Sehun-ah, please. I’m begging you. Just come meet me,” Kim Jongdae whimpers. I can hear the desperation laced in his voice, his melancholic timbre trying to pick at my brain and heart to make me give in. Maybe it works. Or maybe I just don’t want Kim Jongdae to call me ever again. But, I agree to meet him.

“Fine. I’ll meet you,” I say. Kim Jongdae makes no sign that he is relieved at my answer.

“Okay,” he says. His tone is flat, monotonous, just like mine. “Thank you.”

That last phrase is lost to me. They’re nothing but empty words yet Kim Jongdae must have said it from habit. I don’t care for his habit. I don’t need him to thank me. Kim Jongdae seems to be hesitating as if he has more to say but my finger presses the button to end the call. The sound of rain sounds magnified while I stand there for a moment. Each little plink of water impacting with the roof becomes like thunder clapping overhead.

I don’t know when it happens but I am standing outside with an old umbrella in my hand. It’s my sister’s so of course it was rainbow colored. The rain beats down on the umbrella, the thin layer of material that is protecting me from the heaven’s tears. There are giant puddles by the sidewalk as well as in little potholes on the sidewalk. My foot lands in one and my shoe is instantly soaked through. Pulling my soggy foot out of the water, I continue walking. It doesn’t even matter anyways since my shoes were still wet from before. I did, however, change my clothes before I left.

Many people are passing me by on my way to the café. It’s amazing to think that everyone is going on with their lives so normally. I think I’ve forgotten what “normal” felt like. As the river of people push past me, I go against the crowd walking for half an hour till I reach the corner of the street where the café should be.

Before I even get close to the door, I can see Kim Jongdae sitting inside. He is sitting at a long table by the window. There is a cup of coffee in front of him but there is no steam curling up from it, indicating that he must have been there for a while. One of his hands is wrapped around it while his other hand drums on the table. He is alone, sitting on a stool directly at the center of the table. When he lifts his head to look out at the street, he meets my gaze.

I see a flash of pain in his eyes, as if seeing me reminds him of my sister. Now I’m glad that I came. If I am a reminder of the mistakes he made then I will stick around him till he can’t stand the guilt anymore. A smirk appears on my face as I make my way towards the door. Going inside, I head straight to Kim Jongdae and take a seat beside him.

“I’m glad you came,” he says. His eyes wander around the room before locking onto mine. Suddenly, he looks completely serious as his voice takes on a sorrowful tone. “I am so sorry. I really am.”

“Too bad you couldn’t say that to my sister,” I hiss. What does he think he can do by saying this now? We’ve gone through this before and I gave him the same response before.

“I know. Oh God, I know and I feel terrible. It’s eating me up inside Sehun-ah. I just wanna see her. I need her to know how much she means to me. I was a fool for not seeing it before,” he sighs. “Has she really not contacted you?”

I stay silent. He understands and nods his head slowly. “You know, I was just thinking about all the times she talked to me and how each time I’d just reject her. She never interested me. I thought she was too peppy, clingy, irritating. It’s funny. People say you never know how much you love someone until they’re gone. It’s true.”

“You’re a bastard. And a fool,” I respond. Kim Jongdae lets out a bitter chuckle but his eyes look utterly empty.

“You’re right. I really am. I was back then too. I can still remember that day when she told me she liked me. It was a cool day and the leaves were changing colors. I rejected her without a second thought. I had hoped that would be the last time she approached me but I was wrong.”

Kim Jongdae’s words register in my mind and I remember that day. I remember it very well. My sister came home that day and forgot to make dinner. I didn’t know though since I was out dealing with my own issues. But maybe, if I’d gone home early there would have been a chance for me to cheer my sister up and she wouldn’t be gone right now.

---

October 7, 2011

It’s my calculus teacher’s birthday today. Mr. Zhang Yixing, the teacher who forgets his lesson plans at home or forgets to grade our homework. He’s a funny guy and really nice but I kinda worry about him sometimes. He’s almost too forgetful. And, I might like him more if he didn’t teach my most hated subject. Oh well, I guess I shouldn’t complain.

Kai and Tao are throwing little paper balls at one another, giggling like idiots. I roll my eyes and try to focus on the lesson as paper flies in front of my face. Derivatives, limits, velocity, why did math have to get so complicated? Can’t we just stick to numbers? Why did they have to add the alphabet into this? Calculus you shall be my death.

Eventually, I forget about trying to understand calculus so I let my mind wander. I remember my sister chattering excitedly this morning, talking about confessing or something. I think she’s planning on confessing to Kim Jongdae. Maybe I should tell her that he’s nothing but a jerk. But, it’s been so long since my sister last fell in love and I want her to at least have a chance.

I soon forget about Eunsun noona and my eyes roam the room. They land on a particular girl with her shoulder-length hazel hair tied into a ponytail. Her hair shakes a little as she writes down notes, switching between looking up at the board and looking at her notebook. There is a little buzzing in my chest as I gaze at her. Her name is Goo Hyeseul and I can’t keep my eyes off her for some reason. It’s odd. I barely know her but I’m still captivated by her beauty.

“Can anyone tell me what the derivative of y=3x + 2 is?” Mr. Zhang asks. Immediately, Hyeseul’s hand shoots up in the air. She always answers the teacher’s questions. My friends tease me for liking a teacher’s pet but I don’t think Hyeseul’s a teacher’s pet. I just think she’s really smart.

“Yes, Ms. Goo,” Mr. Zhang says.

“The answer would be y’=3,” Hyeseul responds. The sound of her voice is enough to bring me to cloud nine. She’s not only really smart but she’s got one hell of a voice too. It’s hard to explain what it sounds like. But it’s beautiful just like she is.

“Correct. Very nice Ms. Goo.”

Hyeseul smiles widely, happy to have been right. My lips curl up too. She is too cute. Without warning, I feel myself get jabbed in the sides and I let out a yelp.

“Ow! !” I shout. I look to my left and right to see Kai and Tao snickering. The entire class now has their attention on me. “Umm, sorry…” I mumble sheepishly. Mr. Zhang nods with his brows raised but turns back to the board. Everyone else laughs and turns away as well. However, I feel one person still staring at me. My eyes scan the room and meet with Hyeseul’s eyes. Her eyes are absolutely stunning. They are a light hazel to match her hair and they shimmer in the light. She flashed me a sympathetic smile before focusing on the board again. I can feel my cheeks heating up right away and I groan softly before resting my head on my desk.

Kai, who is to my right, smirks and lays his head down to. “Look at you, your cheeks are on fire,” he teases.

“You were totally staring at Hyeseul and drooling too,” Tao adds from the other side. The two of them chortle and hi-five one another over my head.

“Our little Sehun is in love,” Kai trills in his deep voice. Sighing, I turn my head the other way, towards Tao. He grins and makes kissy faces. Feeling defeated, I rest my forehead on my notebook and close my eyes.

---

Later that day, I stop at my locker to grab my calculus book before heading home. However, a little note is laying there on my book. Written in perfectly neat handwriting is a note from Hyeseul.

You’re having trouble with calculus, right? Tao and Kai told me. I’m free after school today if you want me to help you. Just meet me at the café across the street.

-Hyeseul

I can’t stop the smile from spreading on my face as I pick up the note and re-read it ten times before stuffing it into my school bag. Grabbing my calculus book, I leave the school to meet Hyeseul at the café.

When I get there, I’m surprised to see another guy already sitting at a table with her. He has extremely long legs and his hair is curly and light brown. I can see him grinning stupidly at Hyeseul as he scratches his head. They are bent over a book and it looks like Hyeseul is trying to explain something to him.

I hesitate for a moment at the entrance until Hyeseul looks up and sees me. She smiles and waves for me to come in. The guy turns too and his eyes catch me off guard. They are wide open for a second like he was confused about something earlier, but when he blinks his eyes looks normal again. Gulping, I enter the café and make my way towards the table.

“Hey, Sehun-ssi. I’m glad you could make it to my little tutoring session,” Hyeseul greets me. “This is Park Chanyeol. He’s my best friend and he’s calculus-deficient so I usually help him out. I’m happy that you wanted to join us.”

“Umm, yeah. Hello Chanyeol. I’m Oh Sehun,” I reply slowly. Chanyeol grins at me and takes my hand that I offered and shakes it vigorously.

“Nice to meet you! It’s great to find someone who doesn’t understand calculus like me. I bet we can be good friends,” he says almost too enthusiastically. Everything this guy does seem to be over exaggerated.

“Nice to meet you too,” I respond meekly. It’s obvious to say that I’m disappointed. I was hoping that it’d just be me and Hyeseul but I guess you can’t always get what you want. I don’t know whether I should thank my two best friends for this or smack them.

As we start the tutoring session, I lose track of time. Chanyeol isn’t that bad of a person although he really does over exaggerate his actions especially when he laughs. He laughs so hard at the tiniest things. And, it doesn’t seem like he likes Hyeseul as more than a friend so I don’t think I have to worry about competition from him. Who knows, maybe I can be friends with him.

I do know that I must have fallen for Hyeseul a little harder today. She is such an amazing person. She’s patient when it comes to teaching and never gives up on us until we feel like we completely understand something. I think she’d be a great teacher.

It’s nine o’clock when I get home and the lights are all off. I go up the stairs and walk past my sister’s room. Her door is closed and there is no sound coming from it. I guess that she’s asleep so I shrug and go into my room.

As I lay in bed that night, I feel like there is something I forgot. Something important that I had to tell Eunsun noona. Oh well, it probably doesn’t matter.

---

September 21, 2012

Shaking my head, I stare out the window and watch the people walk by. Kim Jongdae notices that I haven’t been listening to him so he does the same. There is a foul taste in my mouth at that memory.

If I had just knocked on her door and asked if she was alright, I could have made things better. She would have had someone to spill her feelings to so she didn’t have to keep them bottled up until it drove her to this point in time, to right now. She never showed any indication the day after that Kim Jongdae had rejected her. She went on like everything was fine even when it wasn’t.

Damn, I really hate missing chances.