A world filled with chances and I never took the right ones. I slipped up. I screwed my life over. I lost someone who meant the world to me while I was trying to get someone who could have been my world. I sit on my sister’s bed, thinking about the mistakes and the wrong choices I made. I think about how all of those combined with his mistakes, led to this moment right now.

The first chance happened one year ago on September 21, 2011.

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September 21, 2011

I wake to the sound of my sister singing “Walking on Sunshine” as she throws open my curtains. I expect the sun to be shining but it’s quite the opposite. It’s the gloomiest day I have ever seen. The clouds are a dark shade of gray, bordering on black. Teardrops fall from them, barreling down to pelt the pavement and roofs of houses. How in the world could Eunsun noona seem so happy? Well, I guess that’s the way Oh Eunsun is. Never pessimistic, always cheery.

 “Hunnie Bear, it’s time for school,” her happy, sing-song voice chirps. Hunnie Bear, I don’t understand why she still calls me that. She gave me that nickname basically from the moment I was born. I guess five year olds can’t come up with a nickname cleverer than Hunnie Bear.

I want to groan and complain but that wouldn’t help me. So instead, I groan and roll off my bed landing on the ground in one big heap. My sister laughs and I hear her skip towards me. I know what’s gonna happen, so I wrap myself in my blanket like a caterpillar in a cocoon.

“Don’t be lazy Sehun-ah,” she says. Oh great, I can tell she’s planning something. She only calls me Sehun-ah when she’s got something up her sleeve. I curse myself for being right when Eunsun noona yanks my blanket off and begins her attack. I’m gasping for breath while I laugh uncontrollably, feeling the full power of my sister’s tickling frenzy.

“N-noona, stop! I c-can’t breathe,” I desperately choke out. “I’m awake! I’ll get up!”

To my relief, she stops. My arms wrap around my body. My ribcage is sore from laughter. Eunsun noona giggles one last time before she pats my head and leaves the room. “Hurry up, Hunnie Bear! You don’t wanna miss any opportunities today,” she calls back.

There she goes again, talking about chances and opportunities. I wonder if she ever gets tired of that. Is life really some kind of plethora of crisscrossing paths that people can choose from? If it is, then life is way too complicated. I like things nice and simple. No need for any troublesome decisions, just easy choices to choose from. Like choosing between taro bubble tea and chocolate. It’s easy; of course I’d choose chocolate. And besides, choosing chocolate bubble tea over taro isn’t going to make some drastic change in my life path. My noona is so weird sometimes.

Anyways, I finally find the strength to drag myself into the bathroom to get ready for school. The little droplets of warm water gushing out of the shower head feels nice and I think about the way it was pouring outside, wishing that rain could feel as warm as a shower does. If it did, I would love to be out in the rain. But since the rain is always so cold I’m not a big fan of it.

After getting all ready for school, I go downstairs, taking them two steps at a time. I’m so preoccupied with not missing my footing that I don’t notice my sister glaring at me at the bottom of the staircase. Gasping, I miss those last two steps and crash to the ground. How my sister managed to get out of my way so quickly, I will never know.

“Hunnie Bear, I thought I told you not to skip down the stairs like that. You could get hurt,” she says. I fight the urge to roll my eyes since she just caused me to get hurt five seconds ago but I guess that didn’t occur to her. Grumbling under my breath, I stand up and nod half-heartedly at her.

“Yes noona,” I say in a monotone voice. She grabs me and puts me in a headlock. My arms flail in the air as I try to break free from the she devil’s grip.

“Hey, who told you to be so disrespectful,” she teases. “Now go eat your breakfast.” I am ushered into the kitchen while Eunsun noona keeps her arm locked around me. She lightly ruffles my hair and finally releases me when we are standing in front of the dining table.

For the moment, she leaves me alone to eat in peace. I can hear her humming as she tidies up some things around the house. Shoveling omurice into my mouth, I watch her straighten the family portrait that is hanging on the wall in the living room. I’m not sure if I imagined it, but I think I saw Eunsun noona’s eyes dull a little when she brushed her thumb over our dad’s face. It’s been five years since he passed away but I can tell that noona still misses him a lot. They were really close. They would always go out for father-daughter dates on Saturdays. I remember complaining when I was about eight years old because I felt left out. So, my mother took me out on Saturdays as well and the four of us would meet up at the end of the day and have dinner together. We’d talk about what we did on our “dates” and it was always a lot of fun.

I thought that my sister was the greatest person on earth before, and I still do. She would smile all the time and she loved to laugh. There was never a moment where she was depressed or angry. At least, not until our dad died. I don’t know if it’s my memory failing me, but I’m almost one hundred percent sure that it was the first time I ever saw her cry. All I knew then was that I hoped it was the last time as well.

Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I glance at my sister again and it seems like she’s back to normal. Her lips curl up in a small smile as she continues her mindless activity of cleaning up. She tells me that it’s fun which is the reason why she does the cleaning instead of our mom. I find that hard to believe, but Eunsun noona is Eunsun noona.

I finish eating and dumb the dishes into the sink. I’ll wash them later today. It’s my philosophy. Why do something now when you can do it later? Throwing my backpack over my shoulder, I start walking towards the front door.

“Oh, you’re finished? Well, let’s get going then!” Eunsun noona cheers. She claps her hand like a child and I can’t help chuckling. Everything about her was child-like, even her work uniform. She is wearing a white dress shirt with a navy blue blazer over it which didn’t match her yellow pencil skirt. To top it all off, a pair of hot pink converse fit snugly on her feet. If you couldn’t tell, my sister doesn’t like matching. I’m a little surprised that my school hasn’t fired her yet. I mean, what kind of guidance counselor wears converse to work? I think it’s probably because all the students love her.

We leave the house and find out that it stopped raining. We walk for about six minutes until we reach the bus stop. The usual people are there, like the ahjumma that works at the flower shop by my high school and the business man whose company building is across the street from the school. There are also the twins in the grade below me. I wouldn’t be able to tell them apart if it wasn’t for their hair colors.

“Good morning!” My noona greets everyone at the bus stop with a smile on her face. They beam back at her, affected by her energy. And you can call me crazy but I’m pretty sure one or both of the twins are in love with her. I see it in the way they stare at her like she’s some kind of goddess. It wouldn’t surprise me if they thought she was one, I’ve heard someone call her a goddess before.

Not forgetting my manners, I say a quick hello to everyone as well. I wouldn’t want noona pestering me about that when we get home today. Soon enough, the bus comes rolling down the street. It stops in front of us and we all get on one by one. Eunsun noona and I take stand so that others can sit down. We hold on to the pole and wait for the bus to move again.

Just as it’s about to leave, I catch a glimpse of someone running and waving their arms wildly trying to gain the bus driver’s attention. However, he doesn’t see and starts pulling away. “Wait, there’s someone coming!” Eunsun noona shouts. I almost thought he wouldn’t stop but he did. The doors open and the man gets on. He bows in apology, swiping his bus card and walking to a free spot. He stands because there are no empty seats.

A familiar look appears in my sister’s eyes and I know she’s getting ready to introduce herself. She loves talking to new people and getting to know them. She says she’s taking a chance and that maybe that new person she talks to might become important to her later on. I watch her walk over to the guy. He is slightly panting, beads of sweat forming above his brows. Pulling a handkerchief out of her pocket, Eunsun noona holds it out in front of him. He looks up at her, obviously bewildered.

“Here, you can use this to wipe away your sweat,” she says. The man takes it and gives her a tiny smile.

“Thank you,” he responds.

“My name is Oh Eunsun. Are you new around here? I’ve never seen you before.”

“I’m Kim Jongdae. I just moved here yesterday from Japan.”

“Japan? Were you born there?”

“No,” Jongdae chuckles. “I was born in Seoul. My family decided to move to Japan when I was eight because of my father’s job. I haven’t been back in Seoul since then.”

“Oh, that’s cool. Why did you decided to come back?” she asks.

“I got a job as a teacher at Yongsan International School of Seoul.”

“That’s where my brother goes! He’s over there,” my sister says as she points at me. I bow my head a little and Jongdae returns the gesture. Eunsun noona talks to Jongdae until the bus stops by the school. We get off and Jongdae says goodbye, shuffling along ahead of us after handing Eunsun’s handkerchief back. I find it odd since people usually wash a handkerchief they used before giving it back to someone.

“I like Jongdae-ssi. He didn’t look at me weirdly because of my outfit like other people usually do,” Eunsun noona says. I look at her and I’m surprised to see her grinning so widely. “See, Hunnie Bear. When you take a chance, you can meet someone special and different.”

The idea of my sister having a crush on Jongdae crosses my mind and I quickly shake the thought away. That’s not possible. Eunsun noona hasn’t liked anybody since our dad passed away. She was usually too busy taking care of the house and me to worry about relationships once dad died.

Eunsun noona skips into school that day even happier than before. I can only hope in the back of my mind that Jongdae will like my sister back eventually. I don’t want her to end up hurt, especially since she was so excited that the chance she had grabbed led her to him.

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Present Day: September 21, 2012

I sit on my sister’s bed. My hand clutches the duvet as the clouds cry outside. A wry laugh escapes my parched throat. If I had known what would happen back then, I would never have let my sister lend her handkerchief to that stranger. I wouldn’t have let her take that chance. I didn’t think anything of the way he handed back her handkerchief before. But now I know. He didn’t want to see her again. He returned it so he wouldn't have to wash it and see her again to return it. After that first day, September 21, 2011, Jongdae didn’t ride the bus again. He had the chance to have someone as wonderful as my sister in his life, but he didn’t want to take it.