September 14, 2012     10:57pm

Dear Friend,

It is getting colder nowadays isn't it? I've been think a lot lately - something which I never quite had the time to do when I was back in highschool. But you don't want to know these stuff right? Well, at least not now, not today because L surpised Lemon and I today with a late birthday celebration. I was totally shocked and happy at the same time cause our birthdays are way over but it was amazing how much effort and detail had been put together for the entire party. Lemon was bragging that he found out way before and that it wasn't fun anymore, but I bet you a venti americano that he was equally surprised as I was - except Lemon's a little proud like that. 

Oh, and Dino came, who brought his friend erm... boradori(it's korean for purple tellytubby), don't ask me how I got that name - I just did when I saw how he was dressed. It was the kind of thing where you had to be there to understand. L brought along 2 friends whose names I an easy time coming up with - namgrease and grandpa gyu haha. Still, you had to be there to understand.

They started by singing a really chessy birthday song but it was amazing - people here could really sing. There were miniature chocolate figures of Lemon and I on the cake and I was really excited cause God knows when I last blew a birthday cake. Hoya(he's boradori... sorry I just can't take that name seriously. This new one is really similar to his real name though), Woo(namgrease) and Gyu were all singing too which made me feel really good. I don't even remember what happened next but I do remember my throat tightening and I started crying really hard.

It was a long time since I cried like how I did today, ever since I last promised my dad i'll stop crying over small little things but it didn't feel like a small little thing... did it? L seemed so into it which made me feel really good, and I guess all my emotions just came running out like that. Of course everyone laughed, even L who rubbed the back of my head. When was I ever last touched like that?

See..? I'm starting to think again and it hurts. Whenever my thoughts go back it hurts and I try to think of happy things like the stuff that happened today. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I just want to sleep and never wake up again and sometimes I wake up knowing it's going to be another great day. It's coming back again isn't it? 

I remembered what papa always said "Just breathe and pretend you have wings." and I did what he said today, when I was surprised by L and gang. I really felt like I had wings, really big ones that could help me reach the sky. And right now when my breath is getting panicky and the wings feel like deadweight, pulling me down - I don't know how to breathe anymore. It's like all the steps come naturally but when you think really hard and sometimes when you don't think at all, breathing gets difficult.

"Are you ok?" was what L was whispering to me when everyone had left and Lemon had gone to Gyu's and Woo's room to check out some records. He rubbing the back of my grey sweater really fast and really quickly. I told him to slow down and he did. 

He seemed scared, nervous as to what my next actions may be. I was painfully aware of what was happening and... and I guess I still hadn't found the courage to confront it. So I let it take over me - it didn't matter much to me since I was used to it but it did seem to mean a lot to L who was really panicky by now when I started laughing and crying. And honestly, I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry at the moment. 

I didn't know what took over me when I just leaned in into his shoulders - that much I remember. Whatever happened after I couldn't quite remember but all I woke up with was a post-it note on my dino clock. "Off to pick up Lemon. Happy Belated Birthday - L" That was when I realized that he hadn't wish me happy birthday at all during the entire party which felt strange yet comforting. It was like as though he wanted it to be a special moment between the both of us when he would wish me but I guess i'm just thinking too much into things. See..? I'm thinking again.

When the both of them did come back however, I could see the worry in Lemon's eyes. I guess thats why L took the liberty of picking up his 20 year roommate when he didn't have a car himself. I tried my best to hide and mask my disappointment in myself and honestly, I think i'm a pretty good actor myself. The night was spent watching a movie about 2 young cowboys who went on a camping trip up a mountain and discovered something. Honestly, you should be old enough and smart enough to guess who chose the movie and what title it was. It didn't affect me very much but it did affect L and Lemon a lot and in different - very different ways as well. Lemon thought it was beautiful while L thought it was thought-provoking and I initially thought of it in a bad way(?). It was hard deciphering him sometimes.

So I decided to choose how I wanted to interprete things. Did I want him to love it or did I want him to hate it? I was giving myself reasons for both sides, thinking really hard and finally coming to a conclusion. I wanted him to love/hate it. I wanted him to love the beauty of it all but hate how it ended. Could this possibly mean something? It did mean something to me though after we finished the movie and were giving our own opinions. I think we're the only weirdos on earth that never spoke during a movie but had so much to talk about after it. After a mini food battle with disgusting microwave popcorn and Lemon angrily stopping off to the bathroom - only L and I was left in the room. 

He had stopped talking and so had I. We were just staring at each other, like our pupils were the most interesting things in the world and in that moment it did feel like they were. Looking into his eyes made me feel safe and warm, like how your dog always greets you by the door or warm milk on a christmas morning. And we stayed like that forever until Lemon screamed into the tv room for L's facewash. When I broke eye contact with L, I did feel kinda disappointed and jealous that L was spending more time with Lemon since their timetables were practically made side by side. I don't know when I can ever stare into his eyes again and why exactly I want to, but looking into his eyes... made me feel infinite.

Choding

(Read by Friend, 

September 14, 2012  11:35pm)

A/N: Hi guys! I hope the way choding speaks isn't too messy because that was the kind of structure I had in mind.