My mom's words didn't have much of an effect on me. I complained inwardly about my mom's personality issues but I realized that I was just the same. The day I was forbidden from meeting Jongin passed by and faded into the past. For both me and my mom. Just as I speculated.

Not that I really had a problem with that. And my feelings were evident in my actions. I went on in my life and kept meeting Jongin. I never brought him up, though, just in case something accidentally slipped out about me and Jongin's nightly escapades. I didn't tell Jongin about my mom's warning either, but I was itching to ask about my mother about what was so bad about Jongin.

I didn't even realize how attached I was to Jongin until I was walking to the grocery store when the smell of burning cigarettes filled my nose. I automatically thought it was Jongin and whipped around to see my neighbor smoking in front of a trash can. I awkwardly turned away disappointed after a bow and a dull mumble of "hello".

I wanted to be with Jongin everywhere all the time. He just made me smile for no reason. He was happiness in itself.

"Hana," Youngwoon called. It was a Friday but there was no family dinner. Just fighting, screaming, and a hastily made pot of boiling ramen by yours truly.

"What?"

"Where's the boy that I caught you with that one night? I don't hear of him anymore," He asked sincerely.

I cracked a small smile, "Mom forbid me from seeing him." Youngwoon raised his eyebrows. I didn't understand why. My statement wasn't false.

"But you're still meeting him, right?" he responded.

I stared at my brother suspiciously. "No," I fibbed. Well not in daylight.

"Don't lie to me, you know I won't tell anyone," Youngwoon stated, leaning back against the wall. I didn't want to give in. Brother or not, things slip, I knew that well myself.

I blinked, "Why are you so curious?"

He rolled his tongue in his cheek before tilting his head towards me, "Because I overheard mom and dad's conversation about him."

My eyes popped open and my attention turned to him a full 100 percent. "What'd they say?"

"Mom just talked about how bad of a kid he was at his old school and how he was kicked out and the things he did with girls-"

"-I don't care," I mumbled suddenly, interrupting Youngwoon. I left him hanging and quickly made a detour into my room. It was a complete lie, I definitely did care about Jongin. But his past was his past. I trusted him with my life and more. Even if his feelings toward me were lies. If the Jongin that I knew was fake, then he was awfully good at acting.

- - - -

"So I heard that you were forbidden from seeing me," Jongin stated with a smirk. I quickly avoided his gaze and looked down at the milkshake I was drinking that didn't look so appetizing anymore. The straw that I was sipping from practically dropped from my mouth.

"Eemo told me. She scolded me for scaring you," Jongin laughed. He laughed, but his eyes didn't crunch up at the ends like usual. They looked sad. I didn't really have anything to say. With a small town, I should have figured that Jongin would hear about my ban sooner or later. Although I was hoping for later.

"You know... Everywhere I go, wherever I go, people are scared of me," he stated with a mysterious glint in his eye, "I don't know why. I guess it's just hard for people to accept me because of how I appear. Everyone that I know seems to fade away with time. Everyone that I'm close with figures out what I'm really like- and then they all run away."

I looked up from stirring my milkshake.

"You'll run away too," he said quietly.

"What do you mean?" I asked slowly. Jongin looked outside the window of the cafe to the dull yellow hills and crashing waves of the port. The sun was shining brightly and the sky was a  beautiful shade of sparkling turquoise with no trace of clouds anywhere. It was as if the even heaven was mocking us.

Jongin sighed, "You wouldn't understand."

"Try me," I stated, leaning back into the red booth cushion.

"No," he stated, "Even if you did understand, I don't want to tell you. You know why?" Jongin paused for me to shake my head before continuing, "It's because you're too precious to me. I don't want you to leave me like everyone else did."

"I won't leave," I murmured, bravely staring into his eyes. Maybe I should've been scared and doubtful of my decision to stay with Jongin, but I wasn't. I wasn't scared of Jongin at all. Even if he was a mass murderer and psycho at heart, I loved the Jongin that I knew he was.

"You won't, huh?" Jongin smirked.

"Never."

It was ironic to me that Jongin told me that I would be running away from him when I was the one that was seeing him off every year. Even with everyone's foreboding about staying away from Jongin, I didn't see why I had to. If it was because he was a troublemaker, it wasn't a good enough reason.

Besides, with love comes risks. But that's the fun part.

"I'll miss you," Jongin whispered into my hair as we dangled our feet from the edge of the dock. I noticed that he liked to do that. Talk into my hair. It sounded weird but it was soothing. We were at this place again. The place where we were saying our goodbyes and learning to deal with the fact that we'd have to live without each other. It was frustrating that we couldn't see each other 365 days in a year, but I could survive through those 365 days with hope that I would see Jongin's face soon. Hope and the dull memories of summer are the only two things that remain.

Time seems to go so slow when I want it to hurry up- and so fast when I want it to slow down. Love doesn't run on time but frankly, humans do. So no matter what our hearts were telling us, Jongin and I knew that we'd just have to wait until every summer to see each other.

"I don't know what I'll do without you," Jongin continued, gently squeezing my hand.

"You'll be fine," I responded with a smile. I was sure that he would be fine, I just wasn't sure if I would be fine.

"I know that you hate technology so I'm not going to make you buy a webcam," Jongin said with a chuckle, "but I'd like it if I saw or heard from you every now and then."

"I'll write you," I smiled back.

"You're just old fashioned like that," he grinned, wrapping his arms around me. Jongin rocked me back and forth for a while. When he opened his mouth to talk again, a series of violent coughing came out. I stared at him, worried as he started to cough up saliva.

"Jongin..." I had no clue what to do so I just sprinted down the dock we were sitting on and grabbed a water at the nearest mart. I ran back up as if my life depended on it to see Jongin on his knees and a pool of sticky blood at his feet.

"I'm fine" he held up his hand and gave me a small, reassuring smile.

"You're not fine," I said, handing him the water. I knew why he was like this- it was all of those cigarettes that he smoked daily. I never had the heart to tell him to stop, especially because he was so attached. The one time that I did bring it up, Jongin got defensive about it.

But his own life was in danger which meant that mine was also. He was my life.

"Jongin," I said once he calmed down, "You're smoking."

"I know," he said frankly as if it was the most normal thing ever.

"It's killing you," I murmured.

Jongin frowned, which scared me, but then let out  a snort, "You're stupid. It's not going to kill me. You're so innocent. I was just coughing." He knew enough that I was right. He also knew well enough that I hated being called stupid. Sometimes, letting someone know everything about you can be to your disadvantage. Jongin knew enough about me to make me happy, but also how to piss me off.

"I'm serious, Jongin," I said, my voice steadily rising.

"Oh come on, pretty," Jongin smiled, "Don't get mad at me now."

He was trying to tease me and he knew that it was working. "Can you at least try to stop?"

"If you're my girlfriend aren't you supposed to support me?" Jongin asked, his smile fading after seeing that I was persistent with my argument.

"Support you when you're doing something so unhealthy to yourself? You know it yourself, why are you trying to deny it?" I exclaimed. I didn't regret what I said at first, but the guilt started to rise when I saw Jongin's facial expression harden.

"Shut up. You don't even know me," he muttered. I stared at Jongin, my mouth slightly agape. He took one daring glance at me, hot fire burning in his cold eyes. Jongin then stalked off, stepping in his mess of dry blood mixing soaking into the brown faded wood of the dock.

It scared me that I had forgotten about Jongin's real personality. I was too infatuated with his image of a loving, caring boyfriend. Maybe everyone was right. I didn't know him at all. I wasn't sure what buttons I had pushed today, but Jongin was to leave for Seoul tonight. I knew for sure that he wasn't going to be the one to say that he was sorry so I would have to whatever pride I had up, and apologize for whatever I did wrong.

In the situation that we were in, if we didn't quickly make up after fights, we wouldn't be able to for a whole ten months. I didn't want our relationship to consist of unsolved problems and unloved people.

No matter how much someone changes, they're always going to be the same on the inside. As for Jongin, he was just full of secrets and mystery. No matter how close I got to him, I don't think that I'd be able to know everything about him.

I don't think anyone knows everything about Jongin except for himself.

my internet was down for the past week so i couldn't get online to update. sorry T-T