I hate that feeling when you have a feeling that someone is mad at you but you don't know what to do about it.

That's how I feel right now. Baekhyun had left an hour ago and I was left to my own thoughts, sitting on my bed and staring at the wall perpendicular to me. It was weird that even though Jongin was mine, he wasn't at the same time. So close but so far away.

I had accomplished absolutely nothing throughout the whole day. I just went to the diner, came back home, and watched some television before Baekhyun decided to leave. I had nothing to do but it was one of those days where I wanted to stay home, eat and sleep. But lately, that was how I felt every single day.

Yet, it didn't matter how I felt because I knew that I wanted to see Jongin even more and I wanted to make sure that he was okay. Or that we were okay. I left the house, not bothering to say a word to my mom who was in her room knitting.

When I walked outside, the sun was nearly setting, filling the sky with orange and red hues. It was hot outside but the wind made the weather slightly cooler. I turned to see Jongin sitting on his front porch, with a cigarette in between his teeth.

"Jongin?"

His head jerked up and he nodded at me, before using his index and middle finger to take the cigarette out from his mouth. He watched as I drew nearer to his home. The porch stairs creaked as I walked up them.

"Is that a cigarette?" I asked.

"Yes, it is."

"What-"

"I'm not smoking. I quit, remember?" He glanced at me and tossed the cigarette at my feet. I looked down to see the small white object lying un-ignited on the white porch.

"Oh." I sat down on the chair next to Jongin. I felt like questioning what he was even doing with a cigarette between his teeth if he wasn't smoking, but I saved the question for later.

"I'm not mad at you," he chuckled. Jongin probably noticed how awkward I was acting.

"Okay," I replied. I said 'okay' because I knew that he had more to say. I felt as if I said more, I wouldn't give him the time to 'explain himself'. He had that look on his face he gets whenever he has a lot to say.

"I was thinking," Jongin started, drumming his fingers on the arm rest and staring across the street at my house. "And I realized that I have no ing reason to be jealous because for now, you don't belong to Baekhyun."

"Right."

Jongin nodded and chuckled, "Sorry, but I'm naturally a jealous person. I didn't mean to scare you. Or... Baekhyun."

"It's okay."

There was a comfortable silence. I waited for him to go on.

"Last month," Jongin said. I looked over at him. His eyes were very dark- he looked like a lost boy.

"Last month," he repeated, "We were stupid as .

"What do you mean?" I asked. I wasn't sure what he was talking about. If Jongin was talking about our little "run away", then yes, I would agree with him entirely. I don't know what made us both think that our plan would ever work out.

"Not just last month. Ever since I first met you we've just been making stupid decisions," Jongin shook his head. "When I went back to Seoul, I thought about everything a little. And I'm not really myself when I'm with you. Or maybe I am. I'm just different when I'm with you and you're different but I don't know what it is because I want to take risks when it comes to you."

 "Really?"

"Really. I take risks but I like my continuity, you know?"

"Yes."

"I don't know why I'm tellin' you this but I think you're the only person that I can actually stand, so I'm not going to tie you down."

"Okay."

"Okay," he smiled, looking out at the orange sky. The sun was almost hidden by the roof of my house now.

"I better go," I said, glancing at the watch Jongin gave me what seemed like ten years ago. I felt lighter than when I had first come to see Jongin. Which was a good thing, of course. I was glad that Jongin could share his feelings with me. Hopefully, he was being truthful. 

"See you, pretty."

"Bye," I smiled and reached for his hand to squeeze it before creaking back down his porch. I turned around when I was at the midpoint between his house and mine to see him watching me with a small smile on his face.

"Hana!" I heard my mom's muffled voice calling me as soon as my hand reached for the front door.

"Yeah?" My own house degraded me and made me feel so suffocated.

"I found Youngwoon's journal entries."

My breath hitched in my throat. "What?" I croaked. I hated this. I hated the fact that whenever I decided to finally move on, something always kept me anchored to my problems and past events. Something always popped up and reminded me that my life .

"I want you to have it. You can do what you want with them but I feel like your brother was closer to you than your father was... or I was," she paused. "Anyway..." Mom handed me a thick black journal, "Here."

It striked me odd that mom decided to do this. I would think that she rummaged through all of my brother's stuff and wouldn't even let me glance at it.

At least she knew her place.

"Where did you find this?" I asked, staring at the leathery book in my hand.

She turned around and barely whispered, "In the boat."

I nodded and headed into my room with the journal in my hand. I contemplated whether to look through it or not. Privacy was privacy, dead man or not.

But then again, my curiosity was killing me.

I sat on the floor and after a good thirty minutes of staring at the black notebook, decided to open it.

I just skimmed some of the pages. His enteries consisted of what happened daily on the water and just his thoughts while he was out at sea. Some of the stuff was about me, some about dad and mom's relationship problems.

And a lot about some girl I never even heard of. I was surprised that Youngwoon never told me about her. Its weird how you think you know everything about a person until you figure out that, well, you don't.

But then again, I didn't tell Youngwoon much about Jongin. But that was partly due to the fact that we were in an "undercover relationship".

But her name was Geena. I guess she was occasionally at the docks because her father was part of the ship crew also. She didn't live in Busan but she lived at one of the main trading cities we traded with. The way Youngwoon described her made her sound like a princess.

She supposedly had wavy hair that reached to her lower back and "smiled like nuthin' ever bad happened to her" in the words of my brother. They talked whenever my brother reached that port and he promised her that he would be back every week to see her whenever he was on the boat.

I wonder if she knows that he died. He scribbled an address on the bottom of the paper. I had an impulse to send a letter to her but I don't know what I would write. 

The way he wrote about the girl was incredible, though. At least two-thirds of the whole journal was about how much he wanted to see her. They had a lot of intellectual conversations. She would challenge his ideas a lot and I knew my brother liked girls that could hold a "smart" conversation. After every one of their dates he would write down what he talked about. Youngwoon wrote that he was scared that she would leave and when she leaves, the memories would also.

Going away means forgetting.

Nonetheless, I was very curious about Geena. If I had found this journal when my brother was alive, I would've asked him to tell him everything about Geena. But then again, I was sort of glad that I didn't know everything about her. She probably is more beautiful in my brother's memories. She probably is more beautiful when she is mysterious. Some people are meant to stay in the secret compartments of someone's brain. 

I looked over at my clock that displayed 1:49 AM. The white light from the clock made my eyes hurt.

"One more page," I whispered to myself.

I flipped to the next page. My eyes were tired but this journal was like unpeeling an onion- the onion being my brother. I could barely keep my eyes opened and the only food that I was running on was the food I had from the diner this morning.

But  when I flipped the page, one particular name stood out. It said 'Jongin'. I was immediately ten times more attentive than before despite all of the circumstances. The page was dated to about three weeks after Jongin came to Busan for the first time.

'There is this new kid in town,' it read.

'I think he's the same age as Hana but mom doesn't like him and neither does dad. Not like I care, its just that Hana seems to like him and I don't want her to like some crazy person.'

'I asked mom why she hated Jongin so much (aka the new kid) and she told me not to tell Hana because she doesn't want her to be broken hearted but I think she doesn't want sis to know because she's scared that even though Hana knows the truth about Jongin, she'll still chase after him. That's how stupid she is. But that's besides the point. Apparently he got a girl pregnant at his old school and his mom 'took care of it'. Mom only knows this because of Miss Kwon. Miss Kwon's sister is Jongin's mom and I guess he got kicked out of his prestegious school or something. Being a teenage dad is not on a rich person's agenda, I guess.'

'Poor Hana. She really likes the kid. I can tell by the way she talks about him.'