After showering and "eating" breakfast, I half walked- half jogged over to Jongin's.

I was mumbling to myself about the dishes that had to be washed and the laundry that had to be folded and the room that had to be cleaned.

If I thought about what I was actually doing for one more second, I would probably convince myself out of it.

I stomped up the porch stairs with determination. If my mind wasn't one hundred percent into my plan, I had to act as if my body was. I knocked on the door once before stepping back a foot or two. 

I saw the curtains being drawn as Miss Kwon looked to see who was at the door. Our eyes met and she gave me a smile. I nodded back and waited for the door to open.

"Hello, dear," Miss Kwon beamed. She stood leaning against a mop, her apron wet with water. Her house was never clean but never very messy. It was a very organized clutter.

"Hi," I breathed an empty greeting, forcing myself to smile.

"Are you here to see Jongin?" she asked as if she didn't already know.

I nodded, "Sorry I came so early. I don't want to intrude."

Miss Kwon shook her head and opened the door wider, "You know that you're welcome anytime."

I murmured a 'thank you' and gave her a last smile before walking into the picture-filled hallway to where Jongin's room was.

I knocked before coming in. I heard Jongin grunt and I took that as a sign to come in. His chestnut hair was messy and tousled and he was still in his pajamas- a pair of boxers.

He was still looking ever so dashing.

"Hey, I was just about to go over to your house," he said, bent over his computer.

"What's up, you okay?" Jongin asked when he saw that I was unresponsive.

"Yes," I said. Then I frowned. I looked up at Jongin who was looking down at me, concern filling his face.

"I need to talk to you about something."

"Sure," Jongin said. He nodded to where his unmade bed was, motioning for me to sit. Jongin grabbed a pair of black sweats and a wife beater that was laying on the floor along with the rest of his belongings.

I sat down as the bed sunk and Jongin joined me.

"I want the truth, Jongin and the absolute truth only," I stated, staring into his eyes.

"Sure."

Here goes.

"This sounds kind of ridiculous but do you have a child?"

Everything was still for a second while a million different thoughts passed through my head. If everything was going to go as planned, Jongin was supposed to sit me down on the porch steps or we were supposed to go out on a nice walk so he could explain everything. If everything had gone as I wanted, he would have laughed and told me that he didn't have any child and he wasn't lying yesterday when he stated that the farthest he had ever gone with another girl is kissing.

But life is just a season with a multitude of cluttered, chaotic happenings and when I get into situations like what is happening at this very moment, I freeze up and I realize that I'm not a strong person. I can barely withstand the weight of my own problems, I could barely afford to have relationships.

Jongin looked away and my heart skipped a beat in a very bad way.

No, it can't be true. I shook my head and stared down at Jongin's carpeted bedroom. Suddenly, I didn't want to know anything. I wanted to act as if I never knew anything.

"Hana?"

I turned to look at the door where Miss Kwon was standing, a bowl of strawberries in her hand, "What did you just say?"

I just stared at Miss Kwon to avoid Jongin's hurt expression. I was shrinking away at the holes she was bearing into my eyes. Miss Kwon looked angry and afraid, her lips were quivering ever so slightly as her free hand that was previously covering slowly made its way down to her side.

"Jongin?" Miss Kwon turned around to look at him for an explanation, as if she didn't know what to do with me.

I looked at him also.

"I thought... I thought no one knew here," I heard him mutter.

"I'm sorry baby," Miss Kwon whispered, "I didn't know that- Well, I didn't think..." She spoke quickly and quietly, flustered.

Jongin was now looking down at the floor, his shoulders slumped over.

"Jongin," I called. I felt my chest starting to painfully cascade down into the pits of my stomach when he didn't look up.

"I'm not mad," I told Jongin. I wanted to give him a hug, reach for his hand, or something. But I didn't want him to think that this whole situation was alright. If he did get a girl pregnant, there was nothing that I could do about it, but that still wouldn't make me alright with it.

Yet, I wasn't lying. I wasn't mad. I couldn't be angry with him without hearing both sides of the story. And even if Jongin held his heel against me seven times, I would still have hope in him.

"We need to talk," he murmured before turning around heading into his room. Miss Kwon bit on her fingernails and opened the door a little wider for me.

"I'm sorry for this," I told Miss Kwon shamefully before leaving the room. She shook her head but her whole body was tense. I was shrinking under her glare as Jongin and I walked out the front door.

"It's okay," Miss Kwon muttered.

I nodded and gave her a small smile before following Jongin out onto the front yard. He was pacing back and forth. The whole neighborhood was still asleep and it was cool outside. It had rained the night before and there were traces of wetness glazed over the surface of the dull, gray road. Miss Kwon's roof dripped water to make a miniature pond in her front yard on the dead grass.

"I don't know where to start, Hana, I really don't," he muttered a soon as he saw me walk outside. He let out an agitated sigh before collapsing on the old wooden bench on his aunt's porch.

At least he was planning on telling me about this whole situation.

"I never lied to you, Hana. I never did," Jongin said. 

I stayed quiet, waiting for him to go on.

"But I do have a lot that I didn't tell you and that I should've. Being with you, damn it sure does sure make me forget about all the in my life for a while but I almost told you everything more than a hundred times."

He played nervously with the chipped wood that was peeling from the rest of the old mahogany arm chair. His breathing was deep and irritated as if there was something inside of Jongin that was bothering him. I sat down next to him, the chair creaking under the pressure of my weight.

"None of this is your fault and you deserve to know if we're going to go on with our relationship but know that I really shouldn't tell you. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't. Because if I tell you, there are ten thousand people who's heads are on the chopping block and I'm going to be responsible for each one of them."

Jongin stared dead straight into my eyes with his. Even in situations like these, his eyes held that unfaltering fire.

I was starting to regret asking Jongin about what was going on. Sure, I had the right to. But, ignorance is bliss. And it is better off not knowing some things.

"Jongin-"

"No. I am going to tell you. And remember this," he took my shoulders in his hands and wrapped his fingers tightly around my arms. "I'm not telling you because you asked, but I'm telling you because I want to."

I nodded again and Jongin let out a sigh.

"Let me explain everything before you say anything," he whispered before he swallowed hard.

I nodded and gave him a small smile but my heart was shaking, my body was shaking, and I was scared that I was scared. I would never even think about leaving Jongin but with how he was acting, I wasn't sure anymore. I was upset that I was even feeling a little apprehensive. Did that mean I wasn't as devoted to him as I thought?Jongin seemed so nervous that he practically made me nervous also.

I didn't want to be weak and walk away from us but anything could happen.

Jongin removed his hands from my body and started to talk. "I didn't get a girl pregnant, Hana, please believe me. That's more of the..." he paused, "Cover story."

"What I did was a lot worse. And trust me I am not proud of anything that happened. It kills me inside that I did this and it kills me that no one knows the truth. It kills me that I have to live with what I did when I was reckless and stupid every day of my life and I hate the fact that my guilt is always rotting inside of me and making me want to shoot myself starting with my conscience. I have to pretend like I don't feel this way but I do."

By now, Jongin was shaking hard and I could see sweat perspirating on his tan skin. He looked up at me with wet eyes that looked miserable, lost. Vulnerable.

He shook his head.

"The summer before I came to Busan, I was a stupid kid. I lived in Gangnam, Seoul and was home schooled practically my whole life but I convinced my mom to take me to a private school so she did. Truthfully, I wanted to go to a public school but there was no way in hell that would happen so I got the closest thing to it."

Jongin played with his clammy hands and I listened attentively. Behind us, I could see Miss Kwon glancing up and looking out the window nervously to Jongin and I every so often while she was making breakfast.

" I didn't know what I was doing on the first day of school so I just acted like I knew what I was doing and it seemed to work. But turns out that I knew some kids who were the sons and daughters of other companies and we were in our own clique and everything was great for a little while."

"One night," Jongin started to peel on the wood again. "There was this huge party at my friend Hyejoo's house. Everyone at the school and it was fun and all until my friend Jaebum decided to mess with some girls and sneak alcohol into their drinks.When they were drunk enough, he just asked them embarassing questions in front of everyone at the part and humiliated them..."

By now, Jongin was shaking hard and he looked as if he were sick to his stomach.

"You don't have to tell me," I said. hearing up until now seemed like it was enough to know where the story was heading. I was thinking of the worse. Gang , drunk robbery, stupid teenage fight.

"No, I have to," he said, "You'll be the only one who knows what really happened that night. You and Jae and our parents."

I bit my lip.

Jongin looked down, "Jae told this girl we called ugly-"

"Ugly?" I asked and Jongin looked up at me.

"Yeah. Ugly. Just ugly. And I don't ever know why we did stuff like that, but her nickname was ugly, but her real name was Joohee."

I nodded. Ugly. Him and his friends called a girl "Ugly" and then had the audacity to spike her drink and publicly humiliate her. For some reason, that made me feel guilty about the fact he called me pretty. Pretty just didn't sound so good anymore.

"But.," he went on, "Apparently Jae told her that I said that I thought she was pretty and I wanted a kiss. So she tried to kiss me and because she was drunk she tried to take it further. I didn't know what was going on and she dragged me upstairs and I didn't know what to do so I pushed her."

I let out a small breath. The story was not as bad as I thought.

"But, I didn't see the desk behind her and she was drunk and hit her head and," Jongin stared up at me, looking disgusted at himself, "She passed out and there was just so much blood..."

He searched my eyes earnestly, looking for a reaction. But I didn't know how to react. I had a billion questions in my head and a heart full of sympathy for this girl they called "ugly".

Because of one stupid party and because of one stupid joke, Jongin was left with blood on his hands. I felt terrible that I was relieved. The story wasn't nearly as terrible as I thought.

"Say something," Jongin said, his voice cracking.

"Well..." I started, "She was okay so that's okay but-"

"Wait, I'm not done," he pleaded. I nodded. 

"I got Jae after I saw that Joohee wasn't responding and he said that we should call the ambulance but I was so ing scared that they would find out what I did and sue my parents' company. So Jaebum and I basically stood there with a maybe-dead person in the room wondering what to do and when Joohee started to move, she was bleeding so much and I thought she would tell everyone what happened so Jae and I took a lamp to her head."

My heart nearly about stopped as I stared at Jongin in front of me. "You what?"

"I ing killed her, Hana," Jongin shook his head, staring down at his hands as if he still couldn't believe what he had done.

"So then..." There weren't any thoughts running through my head. There had to be a better side to the story. What was I supposed to say? My boyfriend killed a girl.

"Well, by then everyone had gone and Hyejoo was drunk and asleep and her parents were out for the weekend so we kept the dead body in the room. Jaebum and I decided to just go home and decide what to do later but a couple of hours later, Jae and his parents stood at my door and I knew that Jaebum told his parents what happened. But both our parents couldn't afford a murder on their sons' hands. Jae told his parents that I was the one that killed her. I guess it wask ind of true but he made it sound as if I was the only one and he was there watching me. Either way, Jae's parents thought that Jaebum would get in trouble for even being at the scene so they payed their way out of the trouble and made up the lie that she killed herself."

"Where did the pregnant part come in?" I muttered.

"The media didn't believe that the girl just killed herself while Jae and I were the only ones in the room. On that Monday, there were reporters all over the school and everyone practically hoarded them to tell their side of the story of what happened at the party. All the evidence eventually pointed to Jae and I and they thought we her or forced her to kill herself but some reporter stated that there was a rumor that Heejung was pregnant with my baby and my parents decided just not to deny the news yet not confirm that it was true."

Jongin couldn't look raise his eyes to look at me.

"So... everyone just assumed that she was carrying my baby and commited suicide because she couldn't get an abortion. My parents sent me to Busan the summer after that so I wouldn't screw anything up. They were upset that they couldn't clean up my mess as well as they wanted to but everyone eventually got over it and went back to minding their own business."

I stayed silent and so did Jongin.

"You and Jae are the only ones that know the truth, Hana. I'm telling you this trusting that you won't tell anyone else," Jongin finally looked at me.

"Okay," I murmured and looked away. I couldn't take the pressure of his stare anymore. I didn't know what to say. I wanted the truth and I got it. Jongin accidently killed a girl with his friend and they covered it up with rumors.

I wondered if every rich person could get away with a scandal as large as killing someone.

"How about her parents?" I asked.

"We gave them money. They refused it and told the police that they were certain that she wasn't pregnant and they wanted a further examination but no one listened to them because they weren't as well known in the business as Jae and my family. And our parents just shut them up and made sure we couldn't say anything," Jongin chose his words carefully. He took his stone cold hands in mine and searched my eyes.

"Don't look at me like that," Jongin muttered, his eyes pleading.

"Like what?" I asked. He took his hands away and sighed.

"Like everyone else does! Like I meant to kill her! Like I can ing kill people and rob banks and do whatever the I want and not get in trouble for it."

I stayed silent. I wasn't even aware that I was making a face at him. But I didn't know what to say so I just kept on staring as he went on. Because he was telling me not to think everything that was going through my brain. 

"I'm still a human. I still feel guilty and I not only lost Jae after that because our parents forced us not to see each other anymore, but some parents lost their daughter and believe it or not, the girl that we called Ugly had friends. She had a life and a ing future that I took away from her because I was stupid and was scared for my own reputation! Do you think I don't feel guilty?! Everytime I saw a knife or pair of scissors after that, I wanted to stab myself with them!" Jongin was crying hot tears, his face red and I still did not have anything to say.

He had kept himself from telling anyone about these problems for years now. Jongin's haughty behavior had only been an act. All of his conceited talking and glaring at everyone had been a facade. He was still a confused boy. He was a boy that was tied to a mistake anchored deep in his conscience.

"I wanted to die, Hana. Especially when people looked at me like that," Jongin stated with so much hurt. I felt tears building in my own eyes but I couldn't say anything. What was there to say?

"I'm not like them," my voice was shaky. I wasn't enough for Jongin and I knew I wasn't strong enough to deliver him from his pain but I knew that I would try harder than anyone else.

"You are. Hell, it's normal to be scared of someone who killed a girl. But don't look at me like you're scared. Of all people, not you."

"What do you want me to say, Jongin?"

"I want you to tell me that I was stupid and that you know I'm not that person anymore. I want you to tell me that it's not okay to cover up a murder but I want you to say that you still feel the same way about me. I want you to say that you trust me  not to do the same thing again. To anyone else, to you."

"Jongin..."

"That's all I wanted to ever hear, Hana. That someone is okay with my mistakes. But you need time, I get it."

There was a knock from the other side of the door.

Jongin and I both didn't look away from each other.

"Come inside, Jongin. Hana, could you go home please?" Miss Kwon asked. Seems like she heard enough. The world wasn't innocent, who was I kidding.

"Bye, Hana," Jongin muttered before leaving the bench and walking quickly back into the house.

Watching him walk away did it. I started to cry and I wasn't sure why. Because I wasn't scared of Jongin. I was scared for him. And I cried because I already regret everything that I didn't say.