Chapter Four: what if

"Basically, you're betraying me."

Sunny rolled her eyes at her fellow dandyu member, hugging a pillow to her chest, as she sprawled out across the couch in their dorm.

"Don't be so dramatic."

Taeyeon scoffed in disbelief from across her. "Just a few days ago, you were so hyped about supporting Yonghwa and Seohyun. I don't see how your opinion could have changed so quickly." 

Sunny waved a hand at her. "One can't predict the future. I didn't know Kris liked Seohyun romantically."

Taeyeon's eyes widened to the size of saucers, and she leaned forward. "What? Kris likes Seohyun? I thought he liked Jessica." 

"That's what we all thought," Sunny remarked. "We all kept teasing Jessica about being together with Kris, and laughed when she denied it. Who would've known that the one he actually liked was Seohyun?"

"So...you're supporting him instead? You were the one that suggested Yonghwa in the first place..."

"In my humble opinion, Kris is hotter."

It was Taeyeon's turn to roll her eyes. "That's your opinion, and besides, Seohyun's never been one to go for looks anyway." 

"But think about how hot she and Kris would look together," Sunny insisted. "Besides, it's not like he's a bad guy. He has a relatively clean rep when it comes to girls."

Taeyeon sighed. "You do realize that Sooyoung and Hyoyeon are trying to push Luhan with Seohyun? I don't want us to get two members of the same group involved in this..."

"Oh, c'mon! Luhan doesn't even actually like her. What harm could it do?" 

Taeyeon shook her head. "Don't you remember that time in 2010 when Heechul-oppa and Leeteuk-oppa both liked Yoona? They fought for so long and it was a mess."

"I think," Sunny paused for dramatic effect. "You're just being too careful. In the end, the decision is Seohyun's to make. Besides, it'd be cruel if we let Luhan 'pursue' Seohyun and not Kris, don't you think?"

Taeyeon hesitated.

"I...guess so." 

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"I like Seohyun."

At Kris's words, Suho proceeded to choke on his food, coughing so hard that his face turned a bright red color. From across the table, Baekhyun, Yixing, and Xiumin - the other members left in the dorm - gaped.

"W-we...all like Seohyun," Suho laughed uneasily, trying to recover. "She's part of SNSD and also, somewhat, our sister-in-law..." 

From across the table, Baekhyun shot their leader a glare. 

Kris wore an amused smile. "No, I mean I like her. I want to date her. I told Sunny-noona that too."

Suho let out another violent series of coughs. 

"Way to drop a bomb on our leader," Baekhyun remarked, nonetheless, looking surprised himself. "What's your reason for telling us this suddenly? All this time, we thought you were interested in miss A's Jia."

"What was your reason for admitting to liking Taeyeon-noona?" Kris shot back with a sly grin.

Baekhyun flushed. "Hey, that's different! We were already dating when I told you guys..."

"But..." Yixing interrupted with a hesitant voice. "Doesn't Luhan like Seohyun too? I think I heard Hyoyeon-noona talking about it..."

Silence fell in the room, and Suho let out a scandalized gasp.

"Kris, I cannot let this - "

"Hold on, hold on," Xiumin cut in impatiently. "Are you sure Luhan likes Seohyun? He's never admitted to it and I really think they're just friends. We should be asking him before we assume anything."

"He definitely likes her, he's just in denial," Baekhyun insisted.

"I think I saw some pictures of her saved on his phone," Yixing added. "And when he saw that you shot that CF with her, he was really jealous, even though he tried hard not to show it." 

Suho furrowed his eyebrows in thought. "He...did turn off the TV whenever that CF played..." 

"Either way, it doesn't matter to me. If he doesn't actively try and pursue her," Kris paused. "I will."

Suho gaped. 

"Kris, you can't be serious right now. I don't want you two fighting over a girl! That's bad for the group! We're only a few years into our debut, you know!  Let me tell you, I've heard some things from Minho about fights over girls in SHINee and they get really messy, so - "

"I've liked her for a long time," Kris interrupted. "This isn't something new. It's just that I'm no longer willing to just wait and do nothing."

"What about Luhan?" Suho practically wailed. "You're willing to fight with your brother over a girl?" 

"All's fair in love and war," Kris quoted with a smirk. "If Luhan isn't brave enough to admit his feelings, then, I'll be the one who takes Seohyun away because I plan on going full force."

"Gross! You're so greasy!" 

"You act like Seohyun already likes you or something!"

"Blegh!" 

And amongst their laughter and teasing, little did they know, that in the doorway, stood the very man that they'd been talking about a few minutes ago, wearing a dark, determined look in his eyes. 

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Kyuhyun's words continued to whirl in Seohyun's mind, keeping her awake at night.

Despite having to be at the hair salon by six tomorrow in preparation for their rehearsal, she found herself climbing out of bed at four, padding over to the kitchen to get a cup of milk. 

She carefully shut the fridge, getting ready to pour her milk when a voice interrupted her.

"Can't sleep?"

She glanced up in surprise, letting out a sigh of relief when she saw that it was Jessica. 

"What about you, unnie?" She asked worriedly, seeing clear exhaustion in the older girl's features. 

"I can sleep in the van after our stage tomorrow, but you have a Radio Star filming right after," Jessica reminded her. "Get to bed, kiddo."

Seohyun pouted at that. "I'm not a baby, unnie."

Jessica paused at that, before cracking a smile. "That's true. You might be a baby to us, but to the rest of your world, you're already a woman."

Seohyun blinked at the other woman's serious tone of voice. "Are you okay, unnie? Is something wrong?" 

"Nothing," Jessica yawned, brushing it off. " I just came out to get a drink. Can you pour a cup of milk for me too?" 

Seohyun nodded, pulling another mug out of the cupboard. As she was pouring the milk, slowly, her thoughts wandered back to to what Kyuhyun had said. 

"Unnie..."

"Hm?" 

"Someone..." She cleared . "Someone I knew for a very long time told me that they liked me...and I tried to reject them because I've never really thought of them that way, but they asked me to wait. To change my perception of them..."

Jessica nodded with a thoughtful expression on her face. "And?"

"I just don't want to hurt them in the end," Seohyun admitted honestly.

"That's your problem."

"Huh?" 

"You're always too nice," Jessica elaborated. "Too soft. You always want to do what's best for everyone, so that everyone can be happy."

Seohyun stared down. "I don't want to hurt anyone."

Jessica sighed, a small cracking on her lips. "Someone will always get hurt, Seohyun. Take it from me, who is nowhere near as nice as you." 

"Unnie, that's not true. You're - "

"Anyways," Jessica interrupted. "For once, I wish you would just do what you wanted. Prioritize your feelings. Don't think about what others might feel. Remember that one time you confessed to us that you had a guy you might like, but you never told us who it was and it never worked out?"

Seohyun blinked, glancing up. "Y-yeah..."

"Don't let that happen again. Go after what you want and be honest with people." 

Seohyun remained silent, staring down at the milk in her cup. 

"Is...that okay?"

Jessica rolled her eyes jokingly.

"If you keep asking, I'm going to hit you."

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Seohyun's first crush had been at the fair age of 18, about a year after SNSD's debut.

It had been right after the 2008 Dream Concert, where they'd gone through a 10 minute 'black ocean', in which other fans had turned off their lightsticks and stayed silent. 

Idol life had been nothing like they'd expected. All of their effort was rewarded with hate, words so vicious and cruel that you couldn't even say them out loud. 

Throughout their performance, she'd tried to stay strong. After all, she could see her unnies plastering smiles across their faces, pretending as if nothing was out of the ordinary. 

But the minute they'd come backstage, it had been a flood of tears.

First, Hyoyeon and Yuri had hugged each other, then Tiffany and Sunny, and soon, Sooyoung joined the circle. Jessica and Taeyeon had darted off the minute they'd gotten backstage, to let their tears out in private and save their pride as the two eldest members.

She, on the other hand,  had stayed behind, letting the tears fall from her eyes silently. 

She could feel everyone's eyes on them, stares of pity and disappointment, and at the time, it had almost made her feel embarrassed. 

After a few minutes, she tried to speak, to tell her unnies that they should go back to their dressing room. That people were staring. That it was okay, even though it actually wasn't. 

She fell silent, however, when a hand had gripped her shoulder. 

"Let them be." It was a male voice, somewhat familiar. yet new at the same time. She turned around, meeting eyes with Changmin from DBSK, one of their senior groups.

She'd seen glimpses of him around the company. He'd even spoken to her a few times, joking about her extreme hatred for greasy foods and her obsession with Keroro dolls. In fact, he'd always been very bright and smiley whenever she'd seen him.

Now, he seemed different. There was a somber, quiet kind of anger in his eyes that only softened when he looked back at her and the members.

Embarrassed at being caught crying in front of such a big sunbae, she hastily tried to wipe at her ears. At her actions, he looked back at her again, and instead of saying anything, he gently pressed a hand to the back of her head, pulling until her head hit his chest. 

Out of shock, she tried to pull away, but he kept a firm hand on her head. 

"It's hard, isn't it?" He said softly. She didn't reply.

He let out a sigh. "But you're strong, Joohyun-ah." 

Joohyun-ah.

And in the midst of her sobbing and sniffing, her heart beat faster at that single word.

Months passed, and as SNSD's career began to take off with Gee, Changmin went back to being a friendly, kind sunbae that gave her advice. 

She never went any further. She knew it was for the best that she hadn't - she didn't love him and he had been dating someone at the time anyway. 

But, sometimes, looking back on it, she wondered what would have happened if she did. If she'd confessed, just like any other girl her age. Would she be a different person now? If, by any chance, he had accepted, would her feelings have progressed into love? 

Those thoughts seemed to haunt her more and more with Kyuhyun's words of Changmin being in love with her. 

Looking at him never pained her. She never felt any huge relief after hearing that he'd broken up with his girlfriend and now, her heart didn't flutter in the slightest when she spoke to him. 

 But that didn't stop the what ifs that flew around busily in her mind.

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A/N: Hey, so I know that this is a really short chapter!! I'm sorry about that, but I wanted to give y'all an update tonight. It's a pretty uneventful chapter, bUT we do find out that Seohyun's first 'crush' was actually Changmin! (and now the tables are turned, and Changmin likes her!)

Also, the presence of Kris as a suitor gets Luhan determined. I feel like the screentime for the men is really unequal at this point, so next chapter, I plan to focus on Seungri, Yonghwa, and maybe Luhan if I can squeeze him in. Also Kyuhyun (IK he's gotten a lot of screentime already, but I plan to write about Seohyun's Radio Star appearance in the next chapter, so he has to be there). 

The first 3 chapters have been slightly reformed since when I last wrote this story (Jinwoon's part has gotten rewritten w/ Seungri!), so please check that out if you're not a new reader. 

Thank you so much for reading and any comments are appreciated! Hope I can get to yall again tomorrow with another update!