Your song just ended.

All that greets me is the silent hum of the player, and the kids downstairs that are playing basketball.

I remember that you were hit on the head once. Do you remember that incident? I got so worried because the bruise that had formed seemed a sickly, unfamiliar colour. That was also the day you told me of your condition with haemophilia.

I don’t think that my heart had been ready for that statement, but somewhere inside made me want to take care of you for the rest of my life. Is this what love does to you? I’m not too sure myself.

Ever since then we grew closer. You hadn’t confessed to me yet, and I was too scared of telling you my feelings; but I think we knew deep down that we wanted to be together. I enjoyed your company and found myself wanting to be the centre of your attention. I know I’m quite selfish, but you seem to put up with me so much.

Your tolerance for my nonsense seems endless, and I loved teasing you. Remember when I refused to call you darling, and you pouted the whole way through the movie? I know you don’t know this, but I wanted to give you a big hug then – and then tell the whole world that you were mine. But I’m always too scared of letting you know how I truly feel.

You’re so gentle, so loving and so kind; I would never want to hurt you or do anything to make you sad. Teasing you and making you smile was something I did to cover up for the fact that maybe if I loved you too much, I would hurt you in the end.

I know I hurt you deeply when I ended the relationship. But remember what I told you? You’ll thank me one day for leaving you.

Your grandparents called me the other day.

They told me with an excited voice, “Our Yi Xing is debuting today! Please watch him with love,”

When have I ever watched you without love? I never knew what love was until you loved me. You’ve taught me how to love you properly; how to follow my dreams and be the best I can be. I don’t think I can ever repay you in my lifetime.

If I could, I would want you to know how much I can love you. If it hurts you to let you know how much, I would.

But I can never find enough courage to let you know. Would it make you happy to know that you are the centre of my Universe? Seeing you dance in your video makes me feel that I made the right decision. If you had known, there would be a burden in my heart that I can never erase.

 Some part of me refuses to let you go.

Every time I try, I end up reprimanding myself. I justify my course of reasoning with the theory that maybe, just maybe, if everyone else around you forgets who you are, I won’t. You know I won’t. But I don’t know if you know that well enough. I never took the opportunities given to me to let you know how I truly feel about you.

But it’s too late to tell you now, right? If I do, what good will come out from it? I can’t be selfish now. My time has come and gone and I’ve been foolish enough to let it slip through my fingers. But I can be selfish about one thing, and that is to keep my memories of you all for myself.

I write everything down in detail, because I am afraid of it leaking through the crevices of my mind. New memories will soon replace the old and while I welcome new experiences into my life, I don’t want to leave my past with you.

What kind of a silly girl am I, to write down memories of you with pen on paper? What kind of a silly girl am I, to listen to the song you wrote and composed, over and over again? What kind of a silly girl am I, to hold on to a small, thin thread that might lead her back to you?

You’ll never know it but,

Today I visited your grandparents.

They are doing very well. There is a glow on their faces when you are mentioned in their home. Your parents are very welcoming of me, often taking care of me when I am unwell. I feel thankful, but burdened because I am no longer linked to them like before.

Your mother still hugs me tightly each time I leave, and I have to fight the urge to cry. She gives me a type of warmth that squeezes my heart, something like the same kind of warmth you give to me when you smile.

She reminds me of your group’s future schedule; all the various appearances you make on stages and TV shows. She often shows me your videos as well. The last one was of you in Chang Sha, with EXO-M. You didn’t know your family was there, right?

Your family invited me, but I refused.

Inside, I felt conflicted. The thought of seeing you makes me guilty. Why? Because I left you without saying goodbye at the airport.

You don’t know how it makes me feel, watching you on stage.

It was a short segment, only about 50 minutes of filming, but it felt like the world to me. Your family tricked me into going, but deep down I was beyond grateful at the gesture.

Your mother apologized to me, but told me to smile, because you might be looking into the crowd. I chickened out at the last minute though. I couldn’t bear at the thought that you might see me.

All the girls screaming made me scared – you had risen to such fame that maybe you had forgotten me.

It has been a month since you were back in Chang Sha.

I cannot stop thinking about your stage presence. You were humble, and so shy – something that is not foreign to me, but so different to what you were before.

Today during class I smiled to myself for no reason. My friends made fun of me, saying that I had eyes for the new tennis boy. But they are silly.

“I wear this as a remembrance of my mother – because she gave these bracelets to me.”

I guess you have to lie, right? Then no one else would know who truly gave those to you.

It dawned upon me the other night that no matter what has happened between the two of us, you’d have to deny everything. You fans would be angry if they ever knew of my existence.

I would rather turn away and walk the other direction than cause any harm upon you.

A random thought:

You loved singing, but you hated training. Back when you left Star Academy, you told me you were happy as a 15 year old, to finally halt training and be a normal student.

I guess that’s when you met me, right? In school. You finally had time to notice girls, and I was lucky to have caught your eye. Up til today, I don’t know what I did for you to see me, but I thank the heavens each day that you did.

Maybe it was in my fate to have known you for such a short while, but even though it wasn’t long, it’s had the greatest impact in my life. Thank you, Yi Xing.

You’ve taught me so much and you’re still teaching me now. Is there anything you can’t do?

I smile as I write this. I know one thing you can’t do. That’s a first, right?

It’s been 3 years, Yi Xing.

I think it’s time I had moved on. You’ve become so famous in Korea and China that you’re considered one of the superior bands in your company. All your juniors look up to you.

You may or may not have a girlfriend there, but you’ve never called me once, or even ask how I am going. I’m taking that as a sign that you’ve truly forgotten about me.

It does hurt, Yi Xing. It hurts that maybe you don’t think about me. But people with your lifestyle don’t have time to think of little things, right? I understand. It’s okay. This is a wound that I keep with me to remind myself that the pain isn’t as bad as it seems.

Tennis boy from high school confessed to me last week. He’s still waiting for a reply from me. To be honest, he’s a nice guy. He’s kind, he understands me and he’s funny. My parents like him, and maybe I do too.

But I always seem to hold back because I keep telling myself that my heart belongs to you.

Why should it though? Why am I the one waiting and hurting, when you’ve moved on from your life? Why am I still holding on to something that has obviously flown away? It’s like holding on to a string with no kite. There’s no purpose in me waiting any longer.

Maybe it’s time for me to move on too. Maybe it’s time for me to experience new things, find new friendships and leave what I’ve been dwelling on behind. Maybe this is my fate. Yours is to be a singer and a dancer.

Mine is to be in Chang Sha, living a life of an average woman. I’ll find a full time job, marry a guy I like and we’ll have a family. I’ll have a son, or a daughter, I don’t care. But right now, it’s all making sense to me.

I am no longer in your heart.

Here’s to EXO-M’s future endeavours. May your success continually grow into everlasting wonders.

And here’s to you, Yi Xing;

I will never, ever, forget you.

Remember what I said to you; you’ll thank me for leaving you.

I hope you’re thanking me now. I’m sending you this book because I hope it will be some sort of closure for you as it did for me.

Right now my life is where I want it to be. I am engaged. Tennis boy and I will be married in 3 months.

I’m happy Yi Xing. I hope you are too.

Love,

HAHA you all thought I ended this but noooooooooooooooooooooooo.

I like writing sad stuff so yeah, here's the last and hopefully final chapters to the journalesque sort of fiction I decided to write. MAYBE... MAYBE I'll write one in Yi Xing's POV but let me finish the sequel to Human first :D