It’s already mid-August and despite the longer days, time seems to be going faster. GD ran his fingers over his video collection spread haphazardly in front of him and all around him, feeling their cool plastic and smooth edges. Yet as he ran his hands across them they did not seem to give him the same pleasure they once brought. There was something uneasy that buried beneath his skin and simply would not go. It just didn’t seem right. He had taken many videos and it seemed like his habit was getting worse. They took up physical space in his room and memory space on his computer but everything led back to Seungri.

GD’s mouse hovered over the play button again. He starts playing the recording as he questions himself. A question had hung over him ever since he had begun and his precious videos didn’t make him feel that usual erse feeling of accomplishment. For the first time, he began to feel really nauseous as he watched it with vacant eyes, mind elsewhere as the bodies began to move on the monitor.
 

Since when…?

He groaned outwardly, interrupting his own stream of thought, not even sure whether he wanted the question to form in his mind.

Since when did I care so much?

He felt suffocated by his feelings but drawn to him all the same. He was so damn erse, some things never changed and he didn’t know whether he should laugh or cry.  Instead, tears trickled down his face which was graced by a smile as he continued to stare blankly at the screen and focus in on Seungri and just how perfect he seemed to be.

He couldn’t help but want more and in the back of his mind he wondered whether he had won anything at all in the last time they had been together.  It ached in his chest. He felt like he couldn’t breathe.
 
GD looked down; his head sluggish while his hand tightened around the beer can in his hand.  
The night was almost over and he was done celebrating his birthday in his small room alone. He felt emptier than ever.
 
The TV screen and the computer both flickered showing those writhing bodies on mute. He looks at the screen for a while as he turns the beer can slowly.   
 
A bird’s eyed view of his room allowed its true state to be shown. The floor of the small room is littered; his favourite collection videos scatter the floor likes he doesn’t really care about his hard work. Most of the videos were starting to get dusty and faded inside the old box. He did not know whether it was just through his own eyes. It seemed useless anyhow, as he no longer took any pleasure in them anyway.  
 
Yet, a few discs remained impeccably clean; clean not because he cared but because he couldn’t help himself, dusted by his constant caresses. These CDs rarely spent any time in the case itself. He throws the recording tapes of Seungri into the computer and player over and over again as he never could get enough of him and, watching him, at least temporarily, gave him some relief.

Scattered across are all those videos of Seungri. It was just as scattered as his mind. He removed his hand from his beer can and swept his hands over them again, unable to decide which was best, choose one as his birthday gift, like he originally planned. He closed his eyes as he threw the beer can to the corner of the small room.

“...”
 
His passions began to freeze along with the changing seasons as the first leaves began to fall. He could barely feel his heart beating as winter set in. The worst part was his constant dissatisfaction. He moved restlessly about making the same new mistakes and being unable to correct them.  He tapped his fingers impatiently on the counter top as he watched the parting silhouette of another woman that he’d said a little too much to. GD couldn’t think when it came to Seungri, never mind have a hope in hell of thinking logically; instead he buried it deep in his spoilt heart. To meet Seungri, to show feelings about him, that would involve showing a weakness, something he would never do. Then he had to ensure that they never met again.

It’s only lust. I do not love.
    
GD cleared his mind as he started to change his original plan and walked out of the dim room of his.

He closed the door of the small room firmly and it seems like the end. He locked it; he would not open this damn room from now on.
 
I don’t feel like celebrating my birthday and I won’t. I’m done!
  
 
GD invited Seungri to his house every day since that day, that he tricked the latter. He wandered around sometimes, and he could smell the distinct way that Seungri smelt, indescribable, like alcohol and strawberries at the same time. He rarely left the house because there was no attraction to the outside world anymore. He was content in a way, but then sometimes, he feels uneasy, guilt pricking at him. He clenched and unclenched his hands every time he watches Seungri linger a little longer at the corners of his house. The corners of his house which he had concealed all the digital eyes that watched them and are until he turns them off tonight.

He feels worse when they have . He gets silent then and he can hear the words hanging on Seungri’s lips when he’s been quiet too long ‘What’s wrong?’ and that just makes him feel worse. Those cameras no longer seem to be recording for him, but recording him. GD would lay awake hours later beside Seungri staring into those small shiny metallic lenses that recorded his every move. Their recordings trapped him in the past.

On hopeful, clear nights, he directed his gaze elsewhere, at the few stars that managed to shine throu