Jonghyun was changing into his pajamas and getting ready for bed while thoughts of his day assaulted him. Was Sangho going to come back? He couldn’t escape the feeling that this thing, whatever it was, wasn’t over. He sighed, lifting his pillow and looking at the letter he had hidden there. He wasn’t sure he even wanted to read it, and he let the pillow fall back down. He instead focused his thoughts on Minho, and their conversation earlier that day.

Jonghyun had managed to catch him while he was on his lunch break between classes, and he had sounded slightly worried when he answered the phone, but Jonghyun wasn’t nearly as hysterical as he had been a few days prior. He had been curled up on the couch with the phone pressed to his ear, Key sitting beside him and petting his hair as he looked around for Roo. The small dog had come as though called, and hopped up into his lap before settling down. Jonghyun smiled, petting her softly as he told Minho his test results, and Jinki’s suggestion that he wait to take the actual exam.

“Listen, if you scored so high on the practice exam I see no reason for you not to take the actual one. But if it’s stressing you out and you want to wait, then don’t feel like you need to rush into it.” Minho said. Jonghyun swallowed hard, thinking he had the perfect opportunity here to avoid seeing Sangho again. What came out of his mouth didn’t match his thoughts at all.

“I’ve worked too hard to let this get in my way again.” Jonghyun said adamantly. Minho stayed quiet for a moment, and when he spoke he sounded a bit...proud?

“If you change your mind, no one will hold it against you. But, for the record, I think you’re doing really well. I wish I could be there.” Minho said.

“Me too.” Jonghyun had whispered back.

When had he made the decision to try and face his fears? When had he decided that in the face of an actual problem, he would stand a little firmer? He couldn’t sit on the outside of a booth in a restaurant because he felt too vulnerable, but he could go and deal with this creepy man who wanted something Jonghyun wasn’t willing to give. He shook his head, his own brain confusing him as he slipped his hand under the pillow and pulled out the letter.

He held it in shaking hands, flipping it over and over in his hands before putting it back on the bed and redirecting his thoughts to the conversation he had had with his appa when he had come home from work. Apparently after Jonghyun’s anxiety over the pre-test results Jinki had made the decision to look at ways that might calm his powerful emotions.

Jonghyun was all ears, and so were Taemin and Key who had come barrelling into the living room when they heard the car in the driveway. Jinki coming home was always the highlight of their day, and it wasn’t just a routine, it was an event. Jinki would take a minute or so with each of them, saying hello and giving them hugs, asking how their day was. He seemed to know exactly how to spread out his time, so that if any one of them needed extra attention the others wouldn’t feel neglected.

Key was fond of heart to hearts, often tugging Jinki off to the office or the kitchen or any of the various other rooms scattered through the house just to spill his guts. Taemin loved playing with the appa, and would make a point to get him to play a video game or go outside for one on one of anything he could think of at least once a week. Minho would randomly request a few minutes of his time for anything from a homework question to a request for advice, or even the occasional game when no one else wanted to play. Jonghyun mainly went to the appa for reassurance, which could take anywhere from five minutes to an hour, but he always found the time to be there for his boys.

“So, I was looking online at some ways to help with your anxiety, and I found out that you can get a service dog for severe social anxiety.” He said. Taemin’s eyes immediately widened.

“Another dog?” He asked. Jinki laughed, shaking his head.

“No. I was thinking...since that was why we got Roo in the first place, we could just have her go through the training program.” Jinki said. Jonghyun bit his lip, looking thoughtful.

“How does it work?” Jonghyun asked. Jinki looked slightly reluctant to answer.

“We would bring her to the training facility and have her tested to see if she already qualifies, and if she doesn’t then they would train her until she does.” Jinki said.

“How does the training work?” Jonghyun asked, looking a bit nervous.

“Well, they won’t hurt her if that’s what you’re worried about.” Jinki said. “But they would keep her there to do the classes for probably about a week.”

“Oh.” Jonghyun said, squirming a bit. He really didn’t like the thought of leaving his dog in someone else’s hands.

“It’s just a thought.” Jinki said. “But I have tomorrow off, so I thought we could bring her in for an evaluation.”

“Just to see?” Jonghyun asked, feeling Key’s hand rest comfortingly on his back.

“Just to see.” Jinki agreed. “If you don’t like it, we don’t have to leave her. We might not have to anyway.”

“A-alright.” He said, nodding. Jinki smiled, ruffling his hair.

Jonghyun glanced over at the little dog that was now curled up on top of the letter, and he sighed. He tugged the paper out from under her and slowly unfolded it with shaking hands. He wasn’t sure he wanted to read it, but he couldn’t help but wonder what she had to say after all those years. It wasn’t like he hadn’t thought about her, and what she would be like, but in the face of the opportunity to actually find out...he was scared. Roo went to him, nudging him softly with her damp nose, and he relaxed slightly, reaching down to pet her as his eyes went to the words on the page.

Jonghyun,

I’ve thought about what I would say to you at least a million times, if I was ever given the opportunity, but now my mind is blank. I guess I should start with the basic questions that have plagued me since Sangho told me he had found you. Are you healthy? Are you happy? Did you have a happy childhood with your sister, or did you suffer? You were both so young when this whole thing started, and and I always kept the hope that I did the right thing telling her to run.

I’ve always wanted you to stay with family, so I hope you’ll take Sangho’s offer. I know he’s not blood, but it’s the closest I can offer you until I get out. It’s been a long, long twelve years, but my case is finally being looked over again. I hope they will see the error of their ways now, and let me out. Did Sangho tell you what really happened? I’m sorry to put this in writing, but your father was a bad man. I hope you’ve turned out better than him, but I don’t know you anymore, and I can’t even make a guess and who and what you’ve become.

I feel like I’m writing to a ghost, or an imaginary friend. How sad is it when your children become nothing more than a distant memory? But that memory is what has kept me holding on all this time. You’re the only thing I have left in this whole world, but you probably don’t even know what it’s like to feel this alone. I hope you’re brave and strong like your sister.

I love you so much, Jonghyun, and I only wanted the best for you. I’m so sorry things turned out the way they did, and I hope you’ll forgive me with time. Come with Sanho next time, and we’ll be able to talk more. I want to see you again. It’s been so long.

Is your hair long or short? Do you have my features or your fathers? I’m sure you’re probably quite tall. Your father was, and I myself am not very small. What does your smile look like? How does your voice sound? What music do you listen to? Do you still have that perfume allergy, or did you outgrow it? There are so many things I’ve wondered, and I hope you’ll find the time to tell me. I’m sure you have a lot of friends at school, but try not to let that get in the way of your relationship with your mother.

Write me back soon, ok? I love you.

- Umma

Jonghyun turned the page over, seeing the address written on the back. He was shaking, and he wanted to just go and get his appa and tell him everything. About Sangho’s creepy appearances at school, and the letter, and how much he really didn’t want to go back to the school on Monday. But he trembled instead, and pulled Roo into his lap as the tears that had gathered in his eyes slid down his cheeks. He glanced at the letter again, then folded it neatly and stuffed it between the mattress and box spring on his bed before shakily standing and heading out into the hall.

He approached Kibum and Taemin’s door, raising a shaky fist to knock while his other hand held onto Roo. It took a moment for Key to answer the door, and when he saw Jonghyun his face softened considerably. He pushed the door open more and stepped back to let Jonghyun in, but the elder moved closer to him, his free arm going around the self-proclaimed umma’s waist, and Key seemed stunned. He wrapped his arms around the shorter boy, hugging him gently while Taemin watched from the bed.

“Taemin, go get appa, ok?” Key said. Taemin nodded, moving to slide off the bed, but Jonghyun shook his head.

“A-ani!” He said, wiping his eyes. “I’ll be ok.”

“What’s the matter?” Key asked. Jonghyun shrugged and Key sighed. “Well, do you want to sleep in here tonight?”

“D-de...” He mumbled, and Key led him over to the bed by the window, sitting down with him, and Taemin scurried over a moment later.

“It’s not because of Minho.” Taemin said, looking at him intently. “And there wasn’t enough time for you to have fallen asleep and had a nightmare.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Jonghyun said quietly, and a confused expression came over Taemin’s face. Jonghyun always talked to him, so why was he pushing him away now?

“Are you sure?” Taemin asked, and Jonghyun nodded. Taemin looked up at Key, who was nervously rubbing Jonghyun’s back.

“Well...you’re not in any pain right?” Key asked softly, and Jonghyun shook his head. “Alright then...let’s just go to sleep, ok? Maybe you’re just overtired.”

Jonghyun nodded, and Key immediately began tucking him in. Roo settled down beside him, her soft body radiating warmth, and Jonghyun in a deep breath and held it before slowly letting it out. Key glanced at him from where he stood, his finger on the lightswitch. He hadn’t seen Jonghyun do that particular calming technique in a long time...something was really bothering him. But what?

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Hey guys! I’m sorry to say the next chapter may take a while, I’m reworking the outline because there’s been something I’ve been working toward adding in, but I feel like if I introduce certain events in the order I currently have them I won’t be able to make the story flow the way I want it to. Besides, if I put things in the order I’m thinking of, the story will become a little more dramatic, and, at least for me, it will be more entertaining. :P I hope you guys don’t get too mad at me.