Weeks passed. Baekhyun was still with Jiyeon. Thankfully no word on them sleeping together yet.

Baekhyun and I only talked in class about things regarding class. We’d never talk about something outside of school. The cute, flirtatious banter was completely gone and our conversations were always on the dryer side.

It was upsetting. I really liked Baekhyun and of course it was hard to see him with Jiyeon holding hands and kissing. Couldn’t he at least have the courtesy to do that somewhere that wasn’t in front of me? I was sure he knew that I was attracted to him. I hadn’t exactly been subtle with my actions.
 

I would have felt so much better if Baekhyun was with Sohee instead. At least then I wouldn’t have to see their relationship every single day in person.
 

The guys were worried about me, but I tried my best not to show that I was hurting inside. I shouldn’t waste my tears on someone that didn’t care about me; At least not in front of my friends.
 

I cried. I cried a lot at home. I told my grandmother that it was because I missed my parents and my brother and she believed me. It’s not like I was really lying. Strange that she didn’t think anything of my tears. I had been coping with the loss of my family really well for a few years and all of a sudden I randomly break down for weeks? But of course she wouldn’t question something like that.

In home room, Seungyeon would still talk to me about Baekhyun. She said that she’d still see him at the hospital every week. She didn’t know about his condition at all. But I assumed that he was doing quite well since he was attending school every day. It eased my heart a bit to know that he was doing okay. It hurt a lot seeing him with another girl, but it would hurt so much more if he wasn’t even alive.
 

* * *
 

Chuseok had finally come around and since it was on a Sunday, we had the Monday after off. Everyone would come home from the city and we’d have a feast in our town’s hall. But only after we’d go to the cemetery and pay our respects to our ancestors.
 

After praying with the rest of the town, my grandmother and I made our way through the cemetery. My grandmother and I sat on the freshly cut grass on our family’s plot. My grandfather, my father, my mother, and my brother were all buried on the same plot. I sat there silently as I listened to my grandmother talk to her husband in tears. I waited patiently for my grandmother as I stared at the tomb stones planted in the ground. I wished so dearly that my family could still be alive.
 

Chuseok was especially hard for my grandmother. Her husband passed away shortly before her only daughter did. All of her friends in town had multiple children and grandchildren. When Chuseok came, they each would have a large family reunion. She would watch her friends reunite with her many children and I knew she was envious of them. But nonetheless, my grandmother and I would spend Chuseok with Chen and Xiumin since their families immediately took us in after our whole family had passed.
 

The Monday directly after, I awoke in bed feeling a heavy aura in the air. The sun wasn’t shining through my window like it normally did and the house was awfully quiet. I walked out of my room to find the kitchen and living room barren. My grandmother was always awake before me and the feeling of uneasiness quickly washed over me. I warily made my way to the bathroom to check if she was in there. She wasn’t. It was then that I knew something was wrong.
 

Her bedroom door was closed. “Grandma?” I said while knocking. When I heard no answer I took the liberty to open her door. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw her sleeping in her bed.
 

I approached her and tenderly grabbed her hand. She must have been tired from all the cooking and festivities yesterday, I thought.

But her hand was cold.

“It’s just because winter’s coming,” I said to myself. It was a little chilly and overcast outside, which would explain the lack of sunlight earlier. My eyes scanned up her pale skin towards her chest.

It wasn’t moving.

“I just can’t see it through her sweater,” I said to myself again. I brought my hand to her face to feel her breath on my hands.

There was none.

I felt my heart drop to my stomach as tears instantly pooled in my eyes. I fell to the ground as I let out the loudest shriek my lungs could possible force out of my throat. This wasn’t happening, I thought as I struggled to my feet and ran into my room, grabbing my phone with shaky hands. I hastily dialed 911 and impatiently waited for the paramedic’s arrival as I stayed by my grandmother’s side.
 

“Please be okay,” I said as tears quickly fell down my face. “Please be okay.”

The paramedics arrived exactly 4 minutes after I called which practically seemed like 4 centuries. They transferred her onto a gurney and moved her into the ambulance. They guided me inside and I sat right beside her with her hand in mine.

The sirens and the ambulance sped off as the paramedics frantically tried to get her heart to start again. They tore her sweater off and quickly placed the defibrillator paddles on her chest.

“Ma’am you’re going to have to let go of her hand,” the paramedic told me. I unwillingly let go of her hand. “Clear!” My grandmother didn’t seem to respond to the shock. “Charge to 300. Clear!” Once again, there was no response. I sat there still, almost paralyzed, as I watched them try to revive my grandmother.

“Sir, we’re here,” the other told him.

“Alright let’s get her to the ER.”

The driver of the ambulance led me out of the car and to the waiting room as he assured me that everything would be okay.

When I saw a doctor walk out of the hallway, I immediately stood up.

“Well, good news. Her heart’s beating again,” he said. The weight on my shoulders lifted and I was finally able to breathe and think properly again. “If you called any later, she might’ve not made it. Her current condition is critical, but she’s stable for now. ”

“Can I see her?”

“Ah, yes of course,” he said turning around and leading me down the hallway. “We’ll have to keep her here for a few days to run some tests.” I nodded in understanding. Her health had always been impeccable. I didn’t understand what could have been wrong.

I opened the door to see her lying in bed. She was hooked up to a heart monitor and an IV. The monitor beeped at a slow pace, but at least it was beeping. I scooted the chair closer to her bed and intently watched her.

I didn’t know what I would have done if she would have died. She was my only family. I was already 18, so it would be legal for me to be on my own, but that definitely wasn’t something I wanted.

“Ma’am it’s getting late. You should head home,” a nurse said as she walked into the room to check on my grandmother. She could probably see the hesitation on my face and said, “Don’t worry, she’ll be fine here. Go home and get some rest.”

I unwillingly got up and kissed my grandmother on the forehead before going home.

Walking inside my house was much harder than I thought it would be. It seemed so much emptier that it ever had before. Living in a house made for 5 people, but only having 2 people living in it was hard, but I couldn’t even imagine what living in it alone would be like.

The house was so quiet that I could hear every little creak the floor made and each breath sounded like I was screaming. Every sound echoed off the walls and taunted my presence. I’ve never felt so intimidated in my own home.

When I walked into my room, my phone was glowing on my bed.

27 missed calls. 44 unread messages.

I wasn’t really surprised. News did spread quickly in town and I was sure most of them were from my friends and my grandmother’s friends.

I was too tired to even bother looking through all of them, so I just tossed my phone onto my nightstand and passed out on my bed.

* * *
 

The next morning I woke up with pounding temples and an empty stomach. I hadn’t eaten anything at all the day before. As soon as I stood up, I felt light headed and I started seeing colors. Once my eyes finally adjusted, I made my way into the kitchen. I drank a glass of water and immediately felt better as the cool liquid poured down my dry throat.
 

I almost spit out the water in my mouth when I saw the time on the microwave.
 

11:39 am

I sighed, knowing that I wasn’t going to even bother going to school. I figured it would be okay to miss a day to stay with my grandmother. I was sure that the news had probably spread through the school by then so my teachers would understand my absence.

I ate a quick meal before showering and readying myself to revisit the hospital again. I never liked hospitals. Every time I was in a hospital someone ended up being declared dead. I guess I was lucky that my grandmother was still alive, but I’d prefer it if she weren’t in a coma.

I stepped out the door to see someone sitting on my front porch. Their head turned around as soon as the door opened and my breath was caught in my throat.

“You haven’t been answering my calls,” he said standing up and meeting eyes with me.

“How long have you been here? Why didn’t you go to school?” I asked, ignoring his statement.

“Are you going to visit your grandmother?” There he goes again; answering questions with questions. I lightly nodded, feeling a bit nauseous.  His presence was almost suffocating. “Do you mind if I come along?”
 

I guess it couldn’t hurt, I thought. I shrugged my shoulders at him and walked off my porch.
 

We walked slowly; as slow as I possibly could walk. I wasn’t prepared for bad news. But nothing could have been that wrong. I hadn’t received any phone calls from the hospital, which must have meant that my grandmother was doing okay.
 

“Baekhyun?” I asked, staring at the ground as we walked.
 

“Hm?”

“Why are you doing this?”

He stopped in his tracks, forcing me to stop as well.

“You’re a strong girl. You’ve been through so much. But everybody has their breaking points.”

“I don’t-“

“I know you don’t want me here. You probably just want to be alone. But it couldn’t hurt to have someone there.”

He continued to walk and I quietly followed next to him.

He was right. I didn’t want anyone with me. I wanted to be alone. But I couldn’t bring myself to shoo him away. It just felt so right being beside him again.

* * *

I walked into the hospital with a heavy heart and high hopes with Baekhyun following right behind. When we walked into my grandmother’s room, the doctor was inside writing vigorously at his clipboard.
 

“Ah, you’re here. I was just about to call,” he said, looking up from his clipboard and letting his reading glasses hang on his neck.
 

“Did something happen?” I asked, feeling panic rise inside me.
 

“She had a just about an hour ago.” I felt a hand grasp onto mine just when I felt like collapsing to the floor. “She barely made it. It seems as though she has quite a strong will to live.” A small tinge of relief washed over me, but the doctor crushed everything down. “Her heart is weak. Too weak to even pump blood through her body. Her only chance of survival as of now is a heart transplant.”
 

The hand that was once in mine lifelessly fell away and I felt as if a ton of bricks were dropped on me. There was no way I could give her my heart. She wouldn’t want that. She’s lived her life and she wouldn’t want me to give up my own to let her live a few more years. I just had to accept the fact that she would be gone.
 

 “We’ll leave her on life support for another week and we’ll run a few more tests to see if there’s anything else we can do,” the doctor said before walking out the door.
 

I glanced back at Baekhyun and all the blood had drained from his face. His eyes were blank and his breathing was unsteady.  It seemed as if he was more upset than I was.
 

“Are you alright?” I asked.
 

He immediately snapped out of his daze and returned to the normal stone faced Baekhyun. “Yes, of course. Are you alright?”
 

I narrowed my eyes at him. All this heart talk must have disheartened him quite a bit. It did hit quite close to home for him.
 

“I don’t know,” I said, finding my way to a chair before I fell to the floor.
 

He sat beside me as I stared at my grandmother. She looked so frail and weak. I knew her. She wouldn’t want to be revived. She always said she never wanted anyone to take care of her when her health was bad. It was in her best interest that she left this world. It wasn’t necessarily mine, but I couldn’t be selfish.
 

A single tear grazed down my cheek and Baekhyun’s hand found its way back into mine.
 

“We’ll get through this together,” he said, giving my hand a squeeze.
 

He was so irritating. How could he be so aloof for the past few weeks and then be so caring and warmhearted? He was with Jiyeon, not me. He didn’t make any sense.
 

But maybe that’s why I like him so much. He never made any sense.