There was nothing weird about staying with Dongwoon and Mir. I did my thing and they did theirs. Dongwoon didn’t go to help his mom as much, but Mir went every day. I guess Dongwoon was tired of it, so he sent Mir instead. On the way to work, Mir would talk and talk and talk. He’s just trying to be friendly, but I still kind of wish he’d shut up. Although he’s actually older than I am, you’d think he’s still a little kid. 

After a little while, I’d just tune him out. It’s not like he said much that interested me anyway. I just let him talk. I wonder if his jaw ever hurts. I bet mine would if I talked that much. Not that I have anyone to talk to anyway.

There’s a reason why I don’t talk much. I thought of it myself. Back when I was younger, I spent a lot of time in hospitals. Whenever I would try to ask what was going on or what was wrong with me, no one ever responded. Eventually, I just gave up. Whenever I tried to ask someone at the orphanage, they ignored me as well. After a while, I just gave up talking to people altogether. 

I was always in and out of hospitals because of what are now scars on my back. They never told me what had happened, but something had happened for those to be there and they were always trying to get them to heal properly or make them less noticeable. Also, they had been afraid I might have back problems. Yet again, they never told me why. I guess it was because maybe something in my back had been broken. 

I grew up in an orphanage. A couple times I was sent to a foster family, but I had either ran away or made all kinds of trouble. I didn’t like their rules, so I left or caused trouble. And, no. I don’t regret any of it. So, they ended up just making me live in the orphanage. I hated it. Even more than I hate hospitals. There were plenty of times throughout my teenage years I had debated just killing myself and ending it all. 

It was the people that were in charge that annoyed me the most I can still hear their voices echoing in my head. Act like a lady, Hae Mi. Use your manners, Hae Mi. Say hello, Hae Mi. Go to bed, Hae Mi. It’s time for school, Hae Mi. Their rules and uptightness made me hate them. 

“...Hae Mi? Did you hear what I said?”

“Huh?”

“I asked if you wanted to go do something this evening maybe. You know, go see a movie or get something to eat.”

“Oh. Um, I don’t go on dates.”

“It doesn’t have to be a date. We could just go as friends.”

The larger part of me wanted to tell him no, but obviously, my mouth and my head aren’t on the same page since I blurted out, “Okay, I guess so then.”

He smiled. Well, look what you’ve got yourself into now, Hae Mi. Way to go.

* * *

My mind is dry. I can’t write a single thing no matter how hard I try. I need inspiration...something...anything...

* * *

I should probably change shirts, since I’ve been working all day. Mir probably doesn’t want to be stuck with some stinky girl who you can tell has been working all day. I walked into the bathroom and pulled my shirt over my head. I stopped when I noticed how much my dark circles had faded. Amazing...

* * * 

As I was about to call for Hae Mi, to see if she was ready, something caught my eye. It was Hae Mi. She was in the bathroom, changing her shirt, I suppose. The door was open enough for me to see her. I suppose she expected us to still be in our rooms. It wasn’t her lack of a top that caught my eye nor how incredibly anorexic thin her body was; it was the long, jagged scars all up and across her back. I have absolutely no idea what possibly could have caused them. They were nothing I’d ever seen before, and on such a massive scale. She must have noticed me because she suddenly pulled another shirt on. As she pulled the shirt on, her scars quickly disappeared from view as they were covered up. One would never even know they were there. 

After walking away, I immediately went to Dongwoon’s room and shut the door. His eyes widened as I told him what I had just seen. He didn’t say anything once I finished telling him. He appeared to be deep in thought. Most likely attempting to imagine the scars or how they got there. I heard Hae Mi call for me from the other room.

I left Dongwoon to his imagination as I went to meet Hae Mi in the other room.

“Are you read to go?”

I nodded, “Yeah, let’s go.”

* * *

I couldn’t even focus on the movie. The whole time, my mind was racing with questions and mutating the situation in every different way. Did he see? Knowing my luck, he probably did. I’m just hoping he won’t say anything. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t even know how they got there. 

Sitting in the bathroom back at Dongwoon and Mir’s apartment, I took my scissors after an old razor head, trying to get one of the blades. Why do razors have to be such a pain to take apart? Shoving the scissor blade between the razor blades, I was able to manage to get one tiny blade out. I looked at it for a minute and sighed. I inhaled and then made three little cuts on my ankle. Tiny droplets of blood appeared. I exhaled. 

I know, there’s plenty of people out there who think this is wrong, but I need it. It helps me to forget about the pain inside of me for a little while. While focusing on the pain from the cuts, I temporarily forget what I was so upset about before. Every time something serious is bothering me, this is inevitable. I need it. Don't worry, it’s not like they’re deep. The razor blade is no thicker than a millimeter. I don’t do it often either. Only when I need it the most. I used to be much worse back when I was a teenager. The scars that the cuts leave are barely visible. One can only see them from up close. It’s as if they’re not even there. Although no one else may know they’re there, I know that they are and I know the pain that caused those scars to appear.