A week went by without anything said since Dongwoon had found me in that alley. The weather was changing. It wasn’t really like fall anymore, nor was it winter. It was more like the beginning of a transition from fall to winter. An increasing amount of people started wearing pants, sweaters, long sleeves, and jackets. It’s rather strange how one day everyone is wearing shorts and the next everyone is wearing pants. It makes me wonder if the rest of the world gets together and decides that they’re all going to start wearing pants. I guess I wasn’t invited, but then again, who would want me there anyway?

I’ve always liked fall and winter so much more than the other seasons. They’re sort of depressing seasons if you think about it though. In the fall, all the leaves fall off the trees leaving them barren and litter the ground like discarded papers. Thousands and thousands of unwanted papers blowing off the trees and littering the ground. It’s amazing everyone isn’t covered in paper cuts. Then in the winter, it’s so cold so all the plants end up dying. All the same, I like fall and winter the best. Maybe because they’re cold. Like me.

I’ve been feeling increasingly depressed again. I don’t really know what’s triggering it. Maybe it’s the weather or maybe it’s just me. Since I’ve been wearing long sleeves, I’ve started cutting my wrists and arms rather than my ankles. It’s more gratifying, to be honest. It’s dangerous though. I have to make sure I don’t let myself get carried away. Otherwise, I might end up killing myself. Often times, I have thoughts where all I want is to slash my wrists and bleed out on the floor. Of course, I’m too weak to actually accomplish it, the thought can be a bit frightening. The only reason I don’t do it during summer and whenever else you would wear short sleeves most of the time is I don’t want people to see. I’ve always been one to keep to myself, along with my problems. I guess, not wanting other’s pity or attention is part of it as well.

I really dislike getting pity from others. It’s not that I’m upset they care. That’s not it at all. I just hate that they think they know me and what I’ve been through. You don’t know me. There’s nothing to feel sorry for. I didn’t really choose to grow up not knowing most of the things that were going on in my life and yet, I don’t want someone’s pity. It does nothing for me. 

Dongwoon and Mir haven’t said much lately, but who can blame them after everything I told them. At the same time, I’m still slightly upset neither of them had much to say and ended up scaring me, making me think they thought I’m insane. Dongwoon said they’d help me find out what happened to my parents and I. I’ve gone 15 years not knowing what happened. I’m not sure I really want to know. I’m torn really. Part of me is terribly curious, but the other part is afraid to find out. 

I’ve often wondered what ever happened to my parents and I. I’ve come up with all sorts of scenarios over the years. Maybe my parents didn’t want me, so they ditched me somewhere. Maybe I came from an abusive family and the social services took me away. I’ve come up with so many different ideas, but yet, I still have no idea what actually happened. 

It’s amazing how something can so occupy your mind to the point of obsession. I guess this is how stalkers think. They’re so in love with this person that they can’t get them off their mind to the point where they do anything just to see the person. In my case, I’m not a stalker, obviously. I constantly wonder what happened. Well, I used to. I gave up thinking about it years ago. I had finally decided that it’s an abject case and I should just stop thinking about it because I’m never going to get an answer. Now that forlorn case has come back to haunt me once again, thanks to Dongwoon. This time though, I’m not as naive to believe that finding the answer will be easy or freely given. I’m rather cynical now. I don’t think they’ll be able to find out what happened. It’s been 15 years. I doubt anyone even remembers.

After about a week, Dongwoon said we should go to the hospital, where I was treated, to get my medical records. He explained that since I was an adult now, they should give them to me. Somewhat reluctantly, I agreed to go. We went, but like I expected, we found nothing. They said they had no files under the name Yong Hae Mi nor any containing anything about a girl with wounds up and down her back. I sort of expected it though. Dongwoon and Mir kept saying that we’ll keep trying, but I don’t know how long I can withstand on what may be a false hope. 

One step into the hospital, memories flooded back. All the countless times I had come here not really understanding why, replayed in my mind. I clearly remembered the medicinal odor of the place. I was absolutely repulsed by it. The whole place looked extremely sterile, as if someone scrubbed every inch of the place every night while everyone else was sleeping. This was definitely one of the last places I wanted to be, but I pushed those thoughts away. I needed to find those medical reports.

On the way home, Mir said he needed to get something from the store. While he was in there, Dongwoon and I stood outside. The stars were out, twinkling like tiny diamonds in the sky. It was a rather cool night and there weren’t many people out. I had no particular interest in talk to Dongwoon. He’d probably start apologizing and go on about how we’ll keep trying. I wandered off a bit to ensure he wouldn’t try to talk to me.

It was such a beautiful night. Quite honestly, I would love to be lying in a field right now looking up at the sky. If I were like every other person in the world, I would wish for a boyfriend to be with me as well, but I think he’d just get in the way. I’ve seen enough movies to know that he’d try to be romantic and kiss. I’m thoroughly sickened by romance. Just seeing couples hold hands makes me cringe. I hate other people’s happiness. I understand that makes me sound harsh, cold, and heartless, but if you take a look at my past, you can see where I’m coming from.

I’ve never really experienced happiness or love. I was deprived of it as a child. In an orphanage, you’re just a kid that nobody wanted. No one there to tell you how wonderful and intelligent you are. No one to read you to sleep or tell you everything is going to be okay after a nightmare. I’ve had my far share of nightmares and not one time has anyone ever held me and told me that’s its just a dream. I always hoped for someone to adopt me. I wanted a mom and dad more than anything in the world, but I never got them. Well, hope is a paper boat that sinks. Isn’t that sad?

Out of nowhere, arms slid over my shoulders from behind. I was crippled with fear, unable to comprehend what was happening. Hands slid over my chest. I tried to scream, but no sound came out. I felt my attacker’s hot breath on the back of my neck. The smell of alcohol and cigarettes drifted to my nose. I cringed and swung my arm backward, in an attempt to hit my attacker hard enough to get away. Instead, I missed and was shoved to the ground. I screamed this time. Dongwoon appeared and ran over once he saw me on the ground and the drunk standing over me, both feet planted on either side of me. 

Dongwoon grabbed the guy by his shirt collar and walked him away from me. “If you ever touch her again, I will cut your ing balls off,” he snarled. The drunk nodded and ran off. More like wobbled off. He was so drunk he could hardly walk. I doubt he’d even remember what just happened tomorrow. 

Never before had I ever felt so uncomfortable and violated. Not even in the hospital with my entire back exposed did I feel as uncomfortable as I did when that drunk touched me so promiscuously. Of all people, it just had to be me that he attacked. Maybe it was better me, than someone who was actually happy. Why bring down a happy person, when you can just pick on someone who will never be happy?

I started to sit up when Dongwoon knelt down. Gently, he asked, “Are you okay?”

“Physically, yes.”

He sighed and helped me up. I immediately noticed the proximity of our faces. If he moved any closer, our noses would touch. I searched his eyes, not sure what I was looking for. His eyes were as dark as night with a tiny twinkle that reminded me of a star. It was strangely beautiful. I tried looking past the physical aspects of his eyes. The emotions I found were ones I was mystified by.

“What the hell are you two doing?” Mir yelled. Neither of us jumped. I was a bit surprised. I didn’t think there was anyone other than myself that wouldn’t jump at a time like this. When I thought about it later, it fit his personality that I had created for him. The more I discovered about Dongwoon, the more I realized he might be just like me.