1Putain: .

2 'Emkyooh': 'MQ' read in French pronunciation; M = 'em', Q = 'kyooh'.

    “Mum, look!”   Paris tugs on the hem of her pyjama sleeve and Amber finds it hard to ignore despite her sleepy eyes. She has just finished her phone call with Myung Soo and about to go to bed when Paris asks for her attention.   “I drew a picture of Matthew! You know, Matthew, Anne’s dad from Anne of Green Gables.”   Amber has never heard of that book, but she stares anyway at the thin, hollow cheeks of the man on Paris’ drawing and purses her lips contemplatively. Something is odd, but she is yet to pinpoint what.   “Hm… he looks a bit strange...”   “Oh! That’s because I just drew his skull. He is dead, you know, so all his skin has fallen off. How does your skin fall off when you die?” Her lips pout and her eyes roll up to the ceiling, thinking deeply. “Does a grand machine peel it away?” She speaks in her lovely French accent in the middle of her English sentence.   It only takes Amber a fraction of a second to double over in laughter, cradling her protruding abdomen as if protecting the little one from the force. Paris looks at her funny, somewhat offended, “I’m wrong, am I?”   Amber shakes her head, not to answer her question, but to clear up the misunderstanding. “I’m laughing because you never fail to remind me how much I love you.”   At this, Paris beams, mischief twinkling in her eyes. “Every mum gave birth to a child, but you gave birth to a legend.”   “Where did you get that from?”   “Oppa said that to me once.”   At the mention, Amber’s mind wanders to a certain memory.   “I feel like I’m incapacitated!”   At Myung Soo’s protest in his moment of raging frustration, Amber felt a prick of disagreement.   “He is so ing good with kids and he is not even a dad!”   “Myung Soo,” Amber began to use the motherly sigh she’d always saved for Paris, “Sung Yeol was living around three growing kids in the past ten years. He babysit them during his free time; it’s only natural for him to know, at least, how to deal with them.” She could see Myung Soo flinching at her every word, but she kept going to put her opinion on the table.   “That’s the point!” he huffed. “The only kid I ever came close to was Kyung San and I don’t feel like a dad at all! It’s like something is thrown at me and I have no choice but to accept it and act upon it!”   Bile rose in , her fists clenching. Words shot out of her before she paused and thought over them, “If you don’t like it that much and if it burdens you so much, let me just remind you that I never asked for your responsibility! You always have the option to leave things as it is and pretend it never happened anyway!” Her voice croaked, the situation sinking into her as she neared her finish. Her fists tightened as she bit her lower lip. Her body trembled in both fear and shock. Her eyes were wide staring at him on the laptop screen and warmth filled her eyes. The silence held them down on the shoulders and the tension was thick in the air.   Amber shakes her head when the image of three months ago’s argument comes to her mind. She understands that Myung Soo finds it hard to grasp the status of being a ‘dad’, but the only way to help him is to maintain the communication between him and Paris.   “Do you miss Sung Yeol?”   Amber smiles, touched by the girl’s understanding of her. The telepathy is getting better with each passing year.   “You miss him too, don’t you?”   Paris sighs, her head bobbing up and down.   “Do you... ever wish to turn back time? To the time before your dad came back?”   Paris pauses and gazes at her. She shakes her head. Amber’s heart tugs; not because she thinks the pause is an indication of hesitation, it’s the determination in Paris’ eyes. Paris has never made that expression to her before. It becomes clear to Amber that Myung Soo is all she ever wanted.

 

∞

  Sung Yeol opens the door to Myung Soo’s room without a knock; a habit that he picks up again almost instantly. He catches the contented smile on the younger’s face before the latter raises his head. The smile disappears and Myung Soo stiffens for a moment.   “Can we talk?” Sung Yeol cuts to the chase before any defensive behaviour comes from the other. He thinks back to the time when Myung Soo loses his composure when he was caught hugging with Amber that day and something Krystal said back then has triggered his curiosity.   “Sure. There’s something I’d like to talk to you about as well.” Sung Yeol enters as Myung Soo continues, “You came back early. How’s Hyun Ah?”   “She is okay. She went to sleep early tonight, so I thought I might just come back here and go back tomorrow morning.” Sung Yeol climbs onto the bed and settles himself next to the younger. “When’s Amber coming? Next week?”   “Yes.”   “So, what did you want to talk to me about?”   A pause follows as Myung Soo crosses his arms in front of his chest. His expression seems uncomfortable and Sung Yeol finds himself not liking it. What happened to the casual conversation they used to have? The lame jokes they made to each other? Back then, all Sung Yeol needed was Myung Soo’s company and the infinite number of girls he was never unable to contact to satisfy his needs.   “I… I just want to say thank you again for taking care of Amber and Paris. And… although I’m not fond of your feelings for her, which I am very well aware of, I really wish we could be just how we were ten years ago.”   Sung Yeol blinks; taking a moment to grasp that, thankfully, the younger man has the same thought as his. He smiles, The little boy has grown up. “You’ve grown up,” he says, gaining the other’s attention. “The L from ten years ago wouldn’t have said that.” Smirking, he adds, “You would have been too possessive to have her anywhere near me-”   “Well, I still wouldn’t like it if she goes near you,” Myung Soo scowls. “But I figured, I owe you for what you have done. You’ve done things that I should have done as a dad. To be honest with you, I sort of… admire you.” He almost chokes the word out and instantly looks away to hide his embarrassment.   Sung Yeol blinks in confusion and questions, “What?” In what way?   “You became their caretaker without asking anything in return. Not everyone can do that. Amber mentioned that when a man loves another man’s child as if they are his own because he loves the mother, it’s a proof of how much he loves her; he has got to be pretty committed to a woman to agree to raise another man’s child.” He sighs despondently, “To be very honest, if Amber was to have your child, I won’t be able to take it. Not that I’d leave her, I can’t live without her… but… I just wouldn’t know what to do.”   He grits his teeth at the thought as Sung Yeol watches him. The nightstand lamp emphasises the wistful look in his eyes and for the first time since they were reunited, he realises how big the difference between the current L to the past L after he met Amber. It’s like the younger man is back to the days after his mother passed away, except this time is worst. Sung Yeol notices the dark shades under Myung Soo’s eyes and is suddenly reminded of Krystal’s words regarding medication. In that moment, he begins to feel sorry for him. The last ten years must not have given him justice either. It just doesn’t seem logistic for him to chase after Amber.   How could he when the couple who was separated with lies and deceit is finally reunited?   Guilt revisits him.   He chuckles wryly. “Of course you wouldn’t! It’s a different situation, L. If Amber was to have my child, that’s the same as she was cheating on you, betraying you,” he explains. “If you were in my position, with the way you feel about her, I am confident that you would do the same thing. Unfortunately, it would only happen in an alternate universe, not this reality.” He grasps Myung Soo’s shoulder, “I’m glad you still want to be my friend. I do feel bad, you know, I mean… it’s an accepted fact that she is yours from the beginning, but I just couldn’t help not to fall for her.”   “When did it start?”   “When what start?”   “How could you like her? You know more than anyone how much I love her. How could you fall for her? Why?” Frustration is clear in his tone and this time, it’s Sung Yeol’s turn to heave a sigh.   “I don’t know how nor do I know when. It just happened that one day, I realised I don’t see her the same way as I used to in the past.” His words linger in the air as their gaze locks. “It’s not something I’m going to apologise for. Just being by her side, watching how much she loves you, how much she has done for you, I can’t help but be jealous and envious of you.” This seems to grasp Myung Soo’s curiosity as he looks on with wonder. Sung Yeol clenches his fist as the words pour out, “The look she gives Paris and the way she reacts when she sees Min Ho and Yuri… her loyalty, devotion, and commitment to you…” He breathes out exasperatedly before continuing, thinking that the action of talking about it should not be wearing him out as much as watching it happening before his eyes. “There wasn’t even a warning when she came into my life and made me see things that I never wanted to have or thought I should have, but she made me yearn for it. She made me want to have someone who would love me like she loves you and who would do things that she has done for you out of her love for you. And when I think about what you said about her not loving you as much as you love her, I just want to scream to you, ‘That’s bull!’. Even a blind person is able to see that she loves you as much, or maybe even much more.”   Myung Soo doesn’t say anything for a moment as he reflects on what Sung Yeol has been saying. “Sometimes… I just feel like she is going ahead of me and I keep chasing her to get to where she is, but when I get there, she’d be making another move and I’d spend my whole time trying to figure out her next move. The next thing I know, I’m just not sure what to do anymore, except to keep chasing and chasing.”   “There are times when she makes me wonder why she chooses the decisions she has made, but… you know, just believe in her, just trust her.”   “I do trust her; I just don’t like not knowing what I should be doing.”   “Stop sighing, for God’s sake! Your life would be decreased by a fe