“Yah! Why are you doing this to your hyung?!”

                I laughed as Junsu and Wooyoung wrestled on the floor. Junsu was suffering an embarrassing loss, but it was so funny for all of us to see him try to defend his pride. I decided to throw him a bone.

“Come on, Junsu! You can do it!” I couldn’t help but giggle. Of course, I didn’t really think he could win against Wooyoung. He didn’t work out as much as the other guys.

“You hear that, Wooyoung? Jamie wants to cheer for me!” Junsu teased Wooyoung, though he was the one in a headlock. It wasn’t long before Wooyoung finally pinned him down and got the win.

“Junsu, you’ve shamed us all! You deserve plucks on the forehead!” Nichkhun exclaimed.

                The other guys, even Junho, cheered and got ready to take their turns punishing Junsu.

“Jamie,” Wooyoung got my attention, “You pluck him too!”

                I also got into the circle, getting ready to take the first pluck.

“Jamie….please be gentle.” Junsu shut his eyes tightly. I tried the best I could, but in the end it was my pluck that caused the most damage, making the middle of his forehead a bright red.

“Excellent shot!” Taecyeon congratulated me.

“Wait, so are we done with wrestling?” Junho asked curiously. It was so much fun watching everyone wrestle, it would have really for us to have to find something else to do.

“Jamie hasn’t  gone yet!” Wooyoung brought it to everyone’s attention.

“She can play with me.” Junsu composed himself and gave me a silly wink. I rolled my eyes playfully at his jokingly erted actions.

“Jamie and Junho should wrestle. It’ll be teacher versus student!” Nichkhun declared. Everyone else began to egg us on. I was a little excited, I hadn’t play-wrestled since I was a kid with my brothers back home. But then again….this wouldn’t quite be the same thing.

“Aish,”Junho pushed Nichkhun a little, “Jamie doesn’t want to do that. She’ll get hurt.”

                Well so much for hesitance.

“What, you’re saying I can’t do it?” Jamie gave Junho the side-eye.

“I mean, I don’t wanna hurt you Jamie.” Junho smiled sweetly. This fool was trying to belittle me!

“There are things that Jamison Hwang, Jr. does not do,” I said getting up from the couch, “one of those things is backing down from a challenge.”

                The room filled with “oooo”’s as Junho tried to hide a smile from me.  Without a response, he got up and we both adjusted ourselves in the starting position. Taecyeon acted as referee.

“Si…..jag!”

                We were off; our bodies were pressing against each other trying to create dominance over the other. I could see Junho’s muscles but they weren’t nearly as flexed as I would have expected. He was trying to “go easy” on me. Whatever, I thought to myself, just makes it easier for me to win. I was the first to make a move, getting Junho on his side and making a grab for his wrist so he couldn’t fight back.

“Woah! Jamie-son!” Wooyoung cheered  me on, still pronouncing my name wrong.

                My move had obviously taken Junho by surprise. He turned his head enough for me to see the sly smirk on his face. Before I knew it, Junho had maneuvered himself out of my lock and tried to pin me on my back, but I was able to sit myself up and fight against him. Again, we were pressing each other fighting for dominance.

“This is the best match yet!” Taecyeon said excitedly. The guys continued to cheer us on, when I noticed the look on Junho’s face. His look of concentration broke when he realized how incredibly close we were. He even snuck a peek down my shirt when he thought I wasn’t looking. That’s when I hatched my idea to get myself to victory.

“Junho-ah.” I said sweetly, still fighting to keep him from pinning me. Junho gave me a confused look and then I did it. I gave him a quick peck on his lips. Junho’s eyes widened as he unknowingly loosened his grip on me. I was able to make my move and slam him on his back, the shocked expression was still on his face.

“Hana! Du! Se! Jamie wins!” Junsu did the count for us and I raised my hands in victory. As the guys congratulated me by giving me (entirely too rough) pats on the back, I accidently fell forward. I was able to catch myself with my hands but then realized I was close to Junho’s face yet again. He laughed, showing off his gorgeous eye smile. Apparently the guys didn't see the kiss. All of a sudden Chansung entered the apartment.

 

“I’m back everyone……Jamie noona! Junho!......What are you doing?!”

                In all of the excitement, nobody realized the compromising position that Junho and I had put ourselves in. I was sitting below his waste and my torso was leaning over against his. This looks way too awkward, I thought to myself. Junho and I, now realizing this, immediately got away from each other. I noticed Junho ‘s face reddening.

“We were just wrestling, Chansung!....And didn’t I tell you to stop calling me noona? I’m not your noona!” I couldn’t help but laugh. Chansung walked into the living room and laid across Taecyeon and Nichkhun who were still occupying the couch.

“Yah! Chansung-goon you’re too heavy for this.” Nichkhun tried to push the giant maknae off his lap.

                I was laughing hysterically until I turned to my right and saw Junho, who seemed like he had been looking at me for a long time. When I was about to initiate conversation everyone jumped at the sound of a loud thunder clap. Before our eyes, hard rain began to patter against the living room windows.

“Oh no…” I mumbled nervously. It was already past midnight and this just made it worse. I didn’t want to show them how worried I was or how afraid I was to go home alone.

“We can’t let Jamie leave now.” Chansung protested.

“Jamie, you should probably spend the night here.” Taecyeon said.

“Yeah, there’s no need for you to go out when it’s like this outside. Besides it’s too late.” Nichkhun agreed.

“Great! You can sleep in my room if you want.” Junsu stated jokingly. As I was about to laugh, I was stopped by Junho.

“Shut up, Junsu!” Junho’s voice boomed.

“Aish, I was just kidding. Take a joke once in a while, huh?” Junsu smirked. Junho just sighed before turning to me.

“Jamie, you can sleep in my bed. I’ll sleep in the living room tonight with Chansung.” He had calmed his voice.

                I just nodded and thanked him. After another hour of fooling around, the guys decided to turn in for the night. Taecyeon, Junsu, and Nichkhun left to their own apartment while Wooyoung went to his room and Chansung started preparing his couch bed. I wondered to myself how I was going to explain to them that I didn't have to go to the elementary school tomorrow. Or ever again for that matter. I had quit this very day. Ugh, then I would have to explain why I quit and what happened. I shook the thoughts from my head and convinced myself I could just tell them in the morning.  I tapped Junho on the shoulder.

“I think I’m gonna get to bed now.” I said about to make my way back to his room.

“I’ll get you an extra blanket from my closet. It gets cold in there.” Junho quickly followed me.

                We reached his bedroom door and entered. Junho quickly went to the other side of the room to get a blanket for me. As I stood awkwardly beside his bed, something caught my eye. On Junho’s nightstand was a little half-full pill bottle. My eyes widened as two words seemed to jump off of the label: Tricyclic antidepressants. I was able to swipe the bottle and hide it behind my back right before Junho turned around with the extra blanket for me. After placing it on the bed, Junho was about to leave.

“Goodnight, Jamie.”

“Junho!”

                He turned around, his expression filled with concern and worry.

“What’s wrong?” He asked as he came closer which, in turn, made me back up more for fear of him seeing that I had the bottle. Maybe none of this  was any of my business but something was wrong with Junho. Something more than a sprained wrist or a fractured rib or anything of the sort. I needed to know what was going on.

“Tell me what happened.” I stated. Junho’s face went from concerned to nervous.

“What are you talking about Jamie?” He was trying to force a smile.

“You know what I’m talking about,” I pressed on, “Tell me what happened to you.”

“Jamie….I already told you. My injury is on the inside.” Junho said. Now knowing about the pills that statement didn’t seem like a lie to me as it did before.

“Then what are these for?” I asked as I slowly but surely showed the pill bottle in my hand. Junho instinctively tried to make a grab for it, but I pulled it back.

“Jamie…..” Junho stated as he hung his head. He didn’t seem to have anything to say. He looked so defeated. Not knowing what else to do I came towards him and wrapped him in an embrace. The contact shocked him. I felt him flinch a little before also wrapping his hands around me.

“Junho, I just want to know what’s wrong.” I felt my face grow hot. I didn’t know what it was about Junho that made me care so much. Every time I saw him sigh, every single time that I would see a hurt look in his eyes…..it just made me hurt too.

                After a moment, Junho and I broke our embrace but he still reached for my hand. As hard as it must have been for him, he looked up at me making full-on eye contact.

“Okay…we can talk.”

 

***

                Before we even knew what was happening, Junho and I were resting on his bed. We were both laying on our sides, facing each other. We had been in this position for a long time just talking about ourselves. Junho finally confessed and told me that the anti-depressant pills were indeed his.

“I don’t even know when it started happening,” Junho told me, “But all of a sudden I just started feeling so out of it. I didn’t smile as much….I didn’t want to hang out with my hyungs….it took every ounce of strength I had to even perform anymore.” He sighed.

“And you’re saying no one noticed?” I inquired.

“Not until the incident happened.” Junho spoke in a hushed whisper as water started to cloud his eyes. I gulped.

“Incident?” My voice shook. Junho looked up at my eyes as a tear started to stream to the other side of his face. I reached to him and wiped the tear from this face.

“You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want.” I said now realizing the selfishness of my actions.

“No…I wanna tell you.” Junho protested. I couldn’t help but feel warm inside. The way he said “you” was the cause of that. I patiently waited for him to continue.

“Before JYP hired you,” Junho spoke slowly, “I got caught….trying to kill myself.”

                Even though I had a feeling that this is what was really going on, it was still enough of a shock for me to gasp. Junho continued.

“I went to the bathroom while everyone was sleeping,” Junho choked back tears, “I…filled the tub and I got in…..I took a couple of sleeping pills and I laid down with the water up to my neck.”

                I was looking at him the whole time, wondering how he could even be here today.

“Then what happened?”

“I was half asleep when Chansung came into the bathroom in the middle of the night,” Junho then let out a slight chuckle, “Chansung never knocks on the door before coming into the bathroom. He said he saw me with my mouth barely above the water. I had a little bit of water in my lungs but I coughed it up. It wasn’t enough for Chansung, he really freaked out. He got all the hyungs up and they told JYP about it that very moment.”

“Of course he was scared, Junho. The two of you are especially close.” I said.

“I know. I felt terrible for it. I still feel terrible, Jamie. It was just a terrible mistake I made. But they wanted to play things safe. JYP never wanted me to be left alone. And then they gave me these stupid happy pills.”  I could hear the irritation in Junho’s voice. That’s when I thought about it.

“Wait a minute….is that why I’m here, Junho?” I asked unable to hide the slight hurt in my voice. He chuckled.

“Well, for the most part,” He answered honestly, “But JYP says if I want to work with artists from the States then my English skills have to be up to par.”

“I just kind of wonder what made him want to pick me out of all people. It was really random.” I wondered aloud.

“When he told me I was going to have a tutor he said he wanted someone trustworthy. He wanted someone who was fluent and he also wanted someone that he thought could get along with me.” Junho made an effort to lie only to lay back on his side a moment later.

“He dropped his watch and I returned it.” I smiled to myself. Junho laughed.

“He said that you didn’t even know who he was at first.” He continued to laugh at me.

“Shut up! He was in disguise and I had a long morning that day.” I couldn’t help but smile. It was pretty dense of me to miss that. I began to change the subject.

“So when I came here the first day….you were mad because?” I still wasn’t putting it together. Junho smiled a little.

“I didn’t like the idea of being babysat. That’s kind of how I took that whole situation.” Junho chuckled to himself, I assumed he realized how ridiculous he had been that day.

                I smiled. I felt so much closer to him now. I found myself not wanting to leave his side and I kind of hoped he wouldn’t remember to leave and sleep in the living room like he was supposed to.

“Why’d you kiss me earlier?” Junho inquired. I was really caught off guard from that one.

“W-what are you talking about? I did it to win.” I tried my hardest to sound convincing.

“So you admit that you wouldn’t have won if you didn’t do it!” Junho’s eye smile was beginning to service again.

“It was good strategy, okay? I could have beaten you either way.” I said. Junho sat up with his elbows and just looked at me. He wouldn’t break away his stare.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I forced a laugh to hide my nervousness.

                All of a sudden Junho flipped over on top of me and pinned my arms down.

“Ah! What are you doing?!” I laughed as I tried to break free of his grasp. It was no use; he had caught me completely by surprise.

“Hana,” Junho began to bring his face closer to mine, “Du……Se.” After counting to three Junho leaned in and gently pressed his lips against mine. His lips were so soft. I just didn’t want it to end.

                I couldn’t begin to describe how I was feeling. Maybe it was a mix of happiness and feeling accomplished. I felt like I wanted to be in that moment forever. It was the happiest I had been since moving here. It was like, bit by bit, the two of us were breaking down a wall to see the other side. We both finally got a peek of what it looked like.