I always felt as if someone was watching over me as a child. It was a comforting thought, the idea that there was someone out there taking care of someone as alien and quiet as myself.

On the days that I became too much of a burden on my mother and she disciplined me I would hide away in my bedroom and cry. Something always held me close together, as if I was being embraced, and I would fall asleep holding the safe feeling close to my heart.

When I wandered around the playground at school on my own I would walk with the confidence that someone was by my side with a hand on my head as if telling me that I wasn’t alone. It was with that comfort that I made it through the majority of my childhood happy with myself as I was.

As I grew older and the teenage hormones kicked in everything felt as if it was spiraling downwards. I remember the longing of wanting to die. I remember people who I believed were my friends picking on me for my weight and the way my face looked. I remember faking sicknesses just so I wouldn’t have to attend school and face the bullying. I was a coward. I felt so helpless and so weak for not being able to stand up for myself. But someone held my hand, someone would comfort my heavy heart as I cried into my pillow until I fell asleep, just like when I was a child.

My fingers became used to the cool metal of the razors I would dig into my skin. The bright red of my blood dripping down my arms was something my mind had considered normal by the time I became fifteen. Finding places to hide my cuts was a daily adventure. Despite the normalcy of my slitting there was always a voice in my ear telling me to stop, it was pleading me to stop hurting myself. I pushed it away. I pushed that comforting voice away from me because I believed that dying was my only way to escape all of the pain I was feeling.

Then one night after crying myself to sleep, after I had almost hung myself from the curtain hanger in the bathroom, I found myself in a place that was infinite. It was beautiful and white and there were feathers falling from the skies. They tickled my nose and my arms and my cheeks and toes as I walked along in a simple white dress. I felt something touch along my arm, fingertips, and I looked down only to see that my scars and recent cuts had disappeared. I looked inside of my heart and there was no more pain, no more bruises, no more scratches. My heart was healed much like my arms.

Someone called my name. My head instantly snapped up to try and find the owner of such an exquisite voice. I was certain that this someone was the healer of my heart.

Then I saw him, right in front of me, tall and handsome. Sharp eyebrows, a perfectly shaped nose, high cheekbones, beautiful full lips, and an all white suit had me believing that he was an angel, my angel. He was so beautiful, just by looking at him I wanted to fall to my knees.

He said my name again, my heart shivering at the way his voice held my name.

I could see in his sharp eyes that he was disappointed in me. As his fingertips grazed along my arms I looked down, watching as my scars reappeared. I was looking at my body through his eyes, looking at the mutilated skin on my arms and legs and stomach and back, I didn’t like what I was looking at. It was so hideous. Then his hand grasped onto my wrists, lifting them up to his lips so he could kiss them. He never told me how he felt, but I could understand him wholly through his actions.

After that dream I slowly weaned myself from self-mutilating. Day by day, week by week, year by year, I found myself falling away from the bad things. I felt him watching me, smiling down on me, and that was enough encouragement to live. That dream that I held so close to my heart was always embedded into my brain, into my heart, and into my soul. I realized that I would live for him.

When I finally moved out of my parents’ house I moved to the city. I was 20, almost 21 when I finally gave up on my four-year schooling in university. My parents were disappointed in my decision to drop out to follow my dreams of design school, but their opinions didn’t matter any longer. All I wanted was my happiness, I wanted to live for myself, I wanted to be free. As I watched my home fade away behind me, I was finally able to breathe. It was his doing. He was cheering me on, supporting me and loving me as he always had. He gave me the courage to do so many things.

Then, after so long, I found him again. He was leaning his head against the bark of an oak tree in the park, on his lap his arms were folded on each other. His eyes were closed and his breathing was slow and steady. He wore a white dress shirt and black trousers with black loafers. He was even more beautiful than in my dream.

I kneeled right beside him, brushing a few strands of his honey colored hair away from his pure white face, and marveled at his glamour. Suddenly, he jolted awake. He looked at me for a split second before blinking his eyes once more. Then his fingertips grazed along my dark hair, on my temples, down my cheeks (still a bit full of baby-fat), and onto my lips. He stared at me for who knows how long before pulling me into his strong arms. And just like that, every single grievance I felt in my life numbed away until the scars were healed. Just like in my dream.

He pulled away, looking into my eyes, smiling softly at me and introduced himself.

“My name is Kris,” he breathed, pausing for a second to listen to his voice. “I’m your guardian angel.”

I couldn’t stop the tears that fell from my eyes, but he did. His thumbs wiped them away leaving my cheeks warm and tingly.

“Don’t cry,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against mine. “I’ve always been with you. I always will be with you. I know that it’s been hard, but I’m here now. I’m here to love you. I’m sorry that no one has ever told you that you were beautiful. I’m sorry that no one has told you how special you are. And I’m sorry that I’m late, but I’m here now. I’m here to love you.”

“You were the one who held me,” I sniffled. “You took care of me every step of the way…”

“I did,” Kris reassured me. “And I see you so much better than you see yourself. You don’t have to be alone now. You have me. You will always have me. I promise you.”

I believed in him. I was taught to believe in angels as a kid. I was taught that angels would always be by your side, to protect you and care for you, and that was what Kris did for me. He would always be the guardian angel by my side.