Chapter 4

Falling off the rollercoaster

- What do you mean you’re in love with me?

Myungsoo asks, almost in a monotonous voice, void of emotions. His hand unconsciously looses its grip on Sungyeol’s, an action so carefully and subtly done that nobody would notice if they were let to watch the entire scene. But Sungyeol does anyway. He can feel Myungsoo’s desperate attempt not to make his hand’s withdrawal from Sungyeol’s own obvious and he feels it with expected disappointment hovering over his mind and the heavy pain of unspoken rejection slowly but firmly settling down on his heart. It hurts just to breathe.

- I love you, Myungsoo.

- Like love love?

- Yes, like love love.

Sungyeol watches his friend’s face scrunching up ever so slightly, not in a “eww you’re disgusting” manner, for which he’s grateful, but only a mere “I still don’t understand what you’re saying”. And so he gives up, standing up so abruptly that it snaps Myungsoo out of daze and bounce back further to the of the sofa. But as usual, he’s quick to gain back his senses. Too quick. And right before Sungyeol can escape from him again, the shorter boy manages to yank him back onto the sofa.

- Kiss me, Sungyeol.

It’s a demand. As simple as that.

- What?

Sungyeol asks feeling very much like a 5 year old boy being told to open his Christmas present by his parents. It could be the gift he’s been looking forward to. Or it could be yet another holiday disappointment. The little boy won’t know if he doesn’t unwrap the box.

- I said kiss me Sungyeol.

And he has to unwrap it now. Now or never.

- Are .. you su..re?

The inner 5 year old boy is urging Sungyeol to come and get his present. But something is still holding him back. Something much greater than childish desire and the longing to just feel your first love’s lips on your own. Something that is shown visibly in his eyes when he looks at Myungsoo.

- Yeol, just do it.

Something that Myungsoo only vaguely understands but dismisses anyway. Something that cannot constrain him from pushing himself up and press his lips on Sungyeol’s. So he does it. With awkwardly wandering hands, trembling knees and tightly shut eyes. Just like how a first kiss should be. But there isn’t fireworks setting off in his head or butterflies in his stomach. Myungsoo thinks it’s more like the feeling of riding a rollercoaster for the first time.

When he first presses his lips onto his childhood friend’s and nervously waits for a reaction from the frozen boy , it’s like sitting on the first row waiting for the train to slowly crawl up feeling your heart threatening to jump out of your ribcage. And then he can feel Sungyeol subtly lean in. Lips slightly part. That’s when the train drops itself from the peak. Everything becomes a blur and your mind is a mess of fears, both the irrational and rational kinds, shock, even though you have expected the drop, and then just pure ecstasy. Because in that moment of danger and vulnerability, with all fears having become abundant and meaningless and the sense of escapism overwhelming your heart, you feel more alive than ever. But there’s a sudden curve on the track. The train takes a screeching turn with no warning. And suddenly, Sungyeol’s tongue is inside Myungsoo’s mouth. Then fears come back all at once, pushing the boy out of his rapture.

- No.. I’m sorry… I.. I just.. can’t

Hastily pulling away, Myungsoo wobbled on his feet felling all dizzy and exhausted.

- I just can’t do this. Sungyeol, I can’t.

And he runs away, like how he should have from the very beginning if he already knew he would not be able to overcome his fear of height. Because nobody should take a roller-coaster if their heart cannot handle it.

____________

When they still hung out together, there were a few things about Myungsoo that nobody else but Sungyeol knew and even though some of them were such small and trivial secrets that were not even worth the attention of  the most curious soul out there, the taller boy still took a almighty pride in knowing them. He knew that even though Myungsoo had never touched any instrument, let alone actually playing them, the boy still collected guitar tabs in a hideous wooden box given to him by his dad on his 10^th birthday. He knew that Myungsoo tended to lose half of his sanity as the weather got hotter. He knew that Myungsoo prefer looking at book to actually reading them. He knew that Myungsoo kept a pocket-size dictionary with him all the time, not because it made him feel smart or it was necessary but for he took great pleasure in flipping all the pages and randomly finding out about a word that he had never heard of. Sungyeol knew that sometimes, when it rained, Myungsoo liked to go outside, playing boomerang with his house dog, Coco. And Sungyeol knew that Myungsoo had this habit of running away, literally running away, when he had to face something embarrassing that he had done. Something that he regretted having done.

- So he still does that now, huh?

Trying to lean onto the wall to support his violently trembling body and lower his head to keep his eyes away from the wide open door, Sungyeol mutters out. Vocal cords tightly strung and breath shaken.

The kiss was perfect. But it was not a sign of his feelings being returned. It was only a mere experiment. Callowness and blithe curiousity made Myungsoo initiate that kiss. But Sungyeol kissed back with gratefulness and pure bliss in his heart. So now that no declaration of  mutual love was announced and Sungyeol is left all alone in a windowless living room, reality pushes its way in, hits the rejected boy like a tone of bricks, leaves streams of tears on his face and a bleeding hole in his heart. Everything hurts. Probably a thousand times more than it did when Sungyeol had no idea that Myungsoo’s lips could be that soft, and Myungsoo himself could be this cruel.

It is the worst crime in the world to give somebody hope only to crush it into dust in the next minute. Because you may as well kill them. That is what Sungyeol thinks about later that night as he lays down on his bed, marks of tears visible, red swollen eyes wide open and heart completely ripped open. And he wonders if it will ever stop hurting.

______

When Dongwoo sluggishly tries to drag a very drunk Sunggyu into his house at 2 in the morning that night, he reckons everybody else has slept already. But as he steps up the stairs with his unconscious friend on his back, he’s almost taken aback by a chilly voice coming out from what he assumes to be the younger Kim’s room. It is not the sort of calm chilly voice though. To Dongwoo’s ears, it sounds more like the sort of monotonous voice that would naturally come out when one’s in a panic so severe that he loses his own intonation. That definitely fits the setting of a phone call at 2AM. So he decides to stop for a second on the stairs, with Sunggyu still sleeping on his back and drooling all over his shoulder, to listen to the rest of the conversation that Myungsoo seems to having with one of his friends. "Ugh, but I probably shouldn’t be doing this. Eavesdropping is bad". Dongwoo tries to reason with himself and is about to continue walking up when he hears Myungsoo speak again. Voice quivering in determination.

- Sungjong.. I need you to find me a girlfriend.

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A/N: So yeah, sorry for the rather late update (only in comparison to the prevous ones tho ^^;;). But I have the perfect excuse for it. University exams! English grammar and Japanese in a week and I’m still pretty much clueless about everything. I’m actually supposed to be doing some sort of revision paper now *sighs*

Anyway, as usual, thanks to my lovely subscribers *hugs* You all have motivated me a great deal XD Now here are my replies to all of the recent comments XD

xkeeki: Yea, I actually feel the same way when I see people overusing that “English is not my first language” line everywhere. But I’m an English major myself and to be honest, grammar is the one aspect of this language that I haven’t been doing so well so I can’t help but feeling extremely self-conscious of my writing.. But hey, I’m soooooooooo happy that you do enjoy my fic as of now. Gosh, I don’t mean to brag but I really am proud of how my characterisation of Sunggyu has turned out. I just wanted to write him like that so much it almost felt like a big achievement when I reread what I wrote. And yea, Dongwoo just has to be an angel wherever he is. Sungjong is pretty much without flaws and I’ll definitely write more of him in the next chapters. Thanks for the comment! It’s made me so happy you have no idea ;-;

uuleunhaecloudy: Sunggyu’s pure love, aint he? I sorta wanted to keep some of his “qualities as a leader” intact here so I tried to put in details like that phone call part here and there to remind people that he’s still pretty much the big brother to everyone. Sorry that I couldn’t make Myungsoo return Yeol’s feelings right away tho. Not now… not so soon… Anw, thanks for reading and commenting :D

jaimeonew and ShawolCassieElf: Thanks for taking your time to read this and pls continue reading to see whether or not Myungsoo will love Yeol back later.. (or maybe he’s already in love and he’s just in denial..)