Story Review by ObsidianTheatre from Love Reading Review Shop

Story by hazelmarie13: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/161302/without-you-heechul-heesica-jessica-snsd-superjunior

Title (3/5): To be frank, the title was unoriginal. That said, however, it does give a sense of the mood of the story.

Description/Foreword/Foreword (2.5/5): The description gave us no information about what the story would be about. Remember, this is the part that will me the point of first contact between your story and the readers on the home page. You should leave the “this is my third fanfic” stuff for your forward. The forward itself was adequate but did not catch my attention in any way.

I apologize for the harshness but your first chapter did not grab my attention in any way. Especially seeing that it was riddled with mistakes.

Story Plot/Originality (7.5/10): The story was uninspired. I could find many others like it.  Though Jessica herself is developed, pretty much every other character has minimal development

Flow (4/10): The narration has a tendency of summarizing/or explaining what is happening rather than showing us with the story itself. However, you’re dialogue is fairly natural and believable. The abrupt switches in POV takes away from the story as well, it would be more natural if you were to pick one POV (i.e. third) and follow through it would flow much better. There is natural conflictions with the characters so the story does move along. Also, putting in entire song lyrics was absolutely unnecessary, instead, try and braid a few selected lyrics with the narration.

Grammar/Spelling (5/10): Because there are many issues grammatically, I will be docking you not for each individual problems but I categorize repeated mistakes (examples coming from first couple chapters). PS you should look up these categories and familiarize yourself with them if you would like to write high quality fanfics.

The use of “&” instead of “and”. You and I both know you can physically type out the word “and” so I recommend going through your fic and switching it for the word wherever possible. Ultimately, this mistake is attributed to laziness.

Tense issues i.e. “everyone are saying”. This should be “everyone is saying”, or “everyone has been saying”. “They all looked at her…. He approach her and hold her wrist”, the sentence is in past tense so the second half should be written as “he approached her and held her wrist”. “Confuse with himself” instead of “confused with himself”.

Im not sure what this categorizes as… unfamiliarity with English? “That’s everyone thinks since no one knew the truth”. This should be “That is what everyone thinks since no one knows the truth.”

Homework is always one word is never used in the plural sense i.e “home works”.  This is similar to the word “rice” which does not have a plural form. “Capable with” instead of “capable of” and so on.

Commas when addressing people: “Nice meeting you, Jessica-shi” and later on

Prepositions. One hides in an alley, not on it. “butting on her life” instead of “butting into her life”.

Possession: “those schoolmates of us”, whose school mates are we talking about? We are talking about my schoolmates and your school mates. They are our schoolmates. Therefore the sentence should be “those schoolmates of ours”

Awkward diction i.e “gain again” = “regained”.

Enjoyment (3/10): Your story was trite, poorly written, and predictable. However, I can sense that you have a clear sense of what you want in your story. Applying and expanding your skills with English writing can help you go above and beyond what you have in “Without You”.

Overall Score: (25/50)

Comments: It is obvious that as an author you are not skilled enough with English to carry your own distinct style. I’m going to give you a crash course in style instead.

Let’s start with diction. When looking to describe something, try not to use the first word that comes to your head. Challenge yourself to widen your vocabulary.

Sentences structure. Driving a story with a combination of long, complex sentences mixed in with short interesting ones makes a fic very readable. I’m going to rewrite part of your first paragraph using nearly exactly the same words here so you have something to compare it to:

No one can beat her. She is the top student, everyone says she’s like that to show everyone she’s smart- she doesn’t want friends that aren’t as smart as her.

Everyone thinks that.

No one knows the truth.

Add some imagery and description! Here is my note to you; the story is in the details. Not the explanation.

Amaya 
of
ObsidianTheatre

(A/N: Wasn't expecting a half score for this story because I was expecting a lower score and I really believed on what the reviewer's opinion about my story just like what the other reviewers told me to so I'll surely follow her tips to improve my writing skills or I’ll surely follow what they say if ever I decided to edit this story :)