Round Seventy-One

Jessica didn’t like the wall that had sprung up between them. It had come from nowhere and plunged right into the middle, separating the two of them from each other. How had all these things never come up when they talked before? They’d even talked about kids in the past. And it had all seemed so cute and nice back then. The thought of having little ones scampering around, calling them Mummy and Daddy had made her insides all fuzzy inside. The thought of having a little boy who would look like a carbon copy of Yul had made her all gooey inside. Why did it feel so scary now? Scary. She was scared. And Yul didn’t seem to understand that.

She sneaked a peek at him. He was focused on driving, as usual. That was who he was. Yul. Ever so righteous. Ever so upright. So dependable. So reliable. Yet. Right in this moment, she suddenly felt so alone. Yul wasn’t on her side. He was on his side. And his side wasn’t on the same side as hers. What were they going to do?

Her home loomed up in the distance and she felt relief for the first time that night. Their talk had been so intense. She didn’t even get to drink her smoothie in the end. And the conclusion of their talk had not been a good one. Yul had made his stand on wanting children and the way he wanted to raise them. She on the other hand, had no idea how she could raise children. She didn’t even know what a mother was supposed to do. Would Yul even want to hire a caretaker to take care of the household?

And the bag. Kelly. Her beloved Kelly. It was on reserve. Did it count as returned? She thought it did. Everything was slipping off the edge of the precipice. The precipice that their relationship was teetering on. And the chasm that was between them was daunting. So very daunting.

“Have a goodnight, Jessica.” Yul’s deep voice jolted her out of her inner thoughts. She had not realized that they were now right outside her home.

“Yul…” Hearing him calling her like that was…it was… She could only press her lips together to keep from tearing up.

“Jessica, these were the worries I had when we first got together. But I really wanted to give it a try. And not just any try. I wanted to give it my best shot. There was something about you that made me want to know you more. And that’s why I agreed to be your boyfriend that morning.”

Jessica hardly dared to breathe. She really hoped that he wasn’t about to bring up the ‘b’ word. She couldn’t. Anything but that. Please. All night long, she had been dreading it. She wouldn’t be able to let him go. She couldn’t. She loved him. Didn’t he understand that? Why was he saying all these things? Tears flooded her eyes all over again.

“We can’t get married if we don’t resolve these differences, Jessica. We have to resolve them and the ones that are going to pop out as we go along. If we can’t—”

“NO!” blurted Jessica. No. She didn’t want him to complete his sentence. No…

“Jessica—”

“Yul.” Tears were streaming down her cheeks now. “Don’t say anymore. My heart may just stop beating if you say that word.”

“Jessica—”

“STOP CALLING ME JESSICA LIKE THAT!!!” screamed Jessica. “I don’t like it…” she sobbed. “I don’t like it at all…”

It was more than she could handle in a night. She d blindly for the handle and opened the door as quickly as she could. Without looking back, she got out of the car and ran for the security and comfort of her room. She wanted her bed, her pillow and her blanket. She didn’t want to hear him calling her Jessica as though she were a wayward child anymore. It hurt her more than he could imagine and he didn’t seem to understand that either.

“Sooyeon ah, did you—”

She dashed right past her mother with tears falling like the rain from a monster-like cumulonimbus cloud, ignoring the elder woman completely. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. She didn’t want to see anyone. She just needed to get to her room and shut the door on the whole wide world.

~~~~~

Mama Jung was most alarmed to see Jessica in that state. She had seen her daughter coming home in many various states of irritation, anger and plain princess-like haughtiness but she had yet to witness that look of utter pain and heartache before. She could hear the slamming of her daughter’s bedroom door and it worried her. What was wrong? Hadn’t she gone out on a date with Yul? Why would she…

Out in the driveway, Mama Jung spotted Yul’s car. It was still stationary. Perhaps she could ask him about Jessica. He looked extremely weary. And even though he wasn’t crying like Jessica was, Mama Jung could sense that he was in as much pain as Jessica was. “Yul, what happened between the two of you?”

“Omonim, I’m sorry. We‘re…we‘re trying to sort through our differences.”

“Sooyeon has never looked so heartbroken before. I’m worried about her. Yul, I don’t know exactly what is going on between you and Sooyeon, but I hope that you can be gentle with her. Sooyeon is fragile inside. And I’m guilty of being one of the reasons for that. And I’m saying this because I trust that you will always love her and protect her. I won’t side her if it’s her fault but I really hope that you won’t be too hard on her.”

Yul sighed deeply and nodded but that was good enough. She trusted Yul. He was the best thing that had happened to her daughter.

“I know that my daughter isn’t easy to be with and I just want to let you know that both my husband and I appreciate what you’re doing for her. We’ve seen the changes and we marvel at them all the time. But she might need more time and a little more cajoling at times.”

“I understand, omonim.”

Mama Jung smiled warmly at her future son-in-law and patted his shoulder. “Drive safely and have a good rest, Yul.”

“Goodnight, omonim.”

~~~~~

“Tif…” Jessica’s voice was unsteady as she called her best friend in her hour of need.

“Oh gosh, Jessi? What happened to your voice? Are you crying?”

“Tif…”

Tear after tear spilt onto the luxuriously smooth bed sheets that she was sitting on. On another other night, she would have been rolling around on her bed, bathing herself in the pleasure of her skin rubbing against the most expensive Egyptian cotton that her bed sheets were made of. However, she could have been sitting on sandpaper for all she cared—her heart was aching so much at the moment.

“Tif…” was all she could say. She didn’t know where to begin. She didn’t know what to say.

“Jessi, you’re scaring me. What happened? Are you in pain?”

“Yes…”

“Where does it hurt? Do you want me to call a doctor?”

“My heart…”

“Your heart? What kind of pain is it? Is it burning? Is it a sharp piercing pain?”

“…It’s breaking…”

“Bre—Huh? Your heart is breaking?”

“It must be. It hurts so much.”

“Did you have a fight with Yul?”

Was this even a fight? A fight would be them yelling at each other. And having the best of their life afterwards to make up for it. That was what a fight was. This wasn’t a fight. It was much more than a fight. This was a real problem. One that she couldn’t see the end of.

“Tif…”

“You sound so torn that you’re really scaring me, Jessi. Do you want me to go over there?”

“Yes…”

“Okay, hang on girl. I’ll be right there.”

~~~~~

Tiffany put her phone down and looked apologetically at Taeng. “I’m sorry, Taetae. I know that we planned to have a movie night but Jessi really needs me right now.”

“Jessica unnie? Is she okay?”

Tiffany smiled affectionately at Hayeon. “She’s in some kind of trouble but I’m sure that things can be worked out. But I really need to go over there to be with her.”

“It’s okay, Fany ah. I can find something else to do with Hayeon while you’re gone and we can watch the movie later.”

Tiffany grimaced. “Taetae, I’m afraid I’m not coming back here anytime soon. I’ll probably be with Jessi tonight. She sounds like she needs the company.”

Taeng’s mouth was a round ‘O’ shape as he nodded. “It’s okay too. We can do this tomorrow or some other time.”

“Thanks, Taetae. I’m sorry, Hayeon ah.”

“Don’t worry about us, Fany unnie! Oppa can play games with me while you’re gone.” Hayeon’s smile was as bright as day and Tiffany could not help but smile as she gave the sweet girl a hug.

“Bye Hayeon ah.” Then, she gave Taeng a peck on his cheek and said, “See you tomorrow, Taetae.” And with that, she grabbed her jacket and bag before hurrying out of Taeng’s apartment.

~~~~~

Except for the rise and fall of his chest and shoulders, there was no other form of movement in the dark and quiet apartment. He hadn’t opened the windows and he certainly didn’t turn on the lights. The sound of his breathing punctuated the silence that would have otherwise, monopolized the apartment. But that was it. He hadn’t moved for the past hour as a series of haphazard thoughts flooded his mind.

His father. His father had not been the best one out there. And he was actually secretly glad that his father was no longer here to torment him and his family. The pain. The horror. Yet, his father continued to haunt him in spirit. In his mind. Was he becoming like his father? Was he being too harsh on Jessica?

He remembered some good times with his father. Vaguely. And the little that he remembered wasn’t enough to overwrite the terror that had been impressed on his young impressionable mind. But it was alright. He was a strong boy. He had survived. He had protected his mother as best as he could. He had done everything he could. And he had become a prosecutor just as he aspired to be. He was a justice upholder and that was what he felt he had to do.

A justice upholder. Did justice upholders make their girlfriends cry like he did?

Jessica’s outburst in his car earlier that night had been unexpected. What had gone wrong? He was only trying to get her to see things for what they were. Marriage and kids weren’t all pink, fluffy and nice. Children were nice and cute when they weren’t your own. That he learnt from his father who was constantly yelling at his older brother.

“LOOK AT NEXT DOOR JUN! HE’S SUCH A GOOD BOY! WHY CAN’T YOU BE LIKE HIM!!!”

His elder brother wasn’t the most obedient kid in the world, given that. He was active and playful and naughty. Yul learnt very quickly that if he didn’t want to be caned like his brother was, he’d have to suppress his own desires to play like his brother did.

His brother.

Where had his brother gone? He had abandoned them. Ran off into the night. One dark night. His mother had been devastated. So had he. But he couldn’t show it. No. He wouldn’t be a burden to his mother. His father and brother had done enough to hurt her. He would protect her. He would be that wonderful son that she’d be proud of.

Would his mother be proud of him now? Would she be proud of him if she knew how he made Jessica cry? Why did she say all those things to him? What was wrong with him calling her Jessica? Wasn’t that her name?

Jessica. The woman whom he loved. She was so beautiful. So, so beautiful. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid his eyes on. And she was so soft. He knew what hard was. The criminals he dealt with every day were as hard as rock. But Jessica was soft. As soft as cotton candy. As sweet as cotton candy. As fragile as cotton candy. Perhaps. Maybe. He’d been too hard on her, hadn’t he?

Seeing her cry like that had reminded him of how his mother had cried when his father was still alive. That sheer desperation. Crumbling. Falling. Crashing. Jessica had been hurt by him. He didn’t exactly know how or why but it was plain to see that she had been hurt by him.

Mrs. Jung had asked him to give her more time. Maybe. She was right. He should have given Jessica more time. But their wedding was coming soon and he didn’t want to go into their marriage without ironing out these issues. He didn’t want them to quarrel about it like his parents had. He didn’t want them to fight all day long like his parents had. He didn’t want things to go wrong. All he wanted was a chance to have a happy family. Was that too much to ask? He had lived as earnestly and honestly as he could all his life. Surely he deserved to have a proper family of his own?

If his own parents couldn’t find their eternal happiness, did it mean that he couldn’t too? All he wanted was a wife like Jessica and a couple of kids. Was that too much to ask for? He would take care of their children well. He would shower them with love. He would make sure that they grew up without the pain and anguish that he experienced in his own childhood. He would give them everything that he didn’t have and didn’t get. He would give them everything.

But Jessica didn’t want to have children? What was he going to do if she didn’t want to have children? Why didn’t she want to have children? Was she afraid?

“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” he burst out in frustration.

He was disappointed with himself. He had hurt Jessica and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

~~~~~

“Jessi…shh…I’m here for you…everything’s alright now…” Tiffany’s heart was aching. Her best friend was torn.

“Yul said that I can’t be his wife…” sobbed Jessica. “He said that I can’t be his wife…”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it.”

“He meant every word.”

“Sometimes people say things that they don’t mean.”

“Not Yul. He always means what he says.”

“Oh, Jessi…what were you fighting over?”

“It’s the bag, it’s the bag…you’re right…I shouldn’t have bought the bag…”

“You can apologize and make it up to him, can’t you?”

“I apologized and returned the bag to the shop but he said that it wasn’t just about the bag.”

“Oh Jessi…”

“See, even you don’t know what to do now…”

Tiffany held Jessica’s hands securely in hers and looked straight into the sobbing girl’s eyes. “Jessi, talk to him again. Tomorrow. Sort your thoughts out. Ask him what the problem really is. There’s no problem that can’t be resolved if you have the will to.”

“You couldn’t resolve your problem with Siwon even though you have all the will in the world to.”

Tiffany bit her lip. Jessica had a point there. Her problems with Siwon were beyond her control. But really, were they? “Jessi, I chose to give him up. I could have stayed and fought on but I didn’t.”

“But you loved him so much…you did everything you could to be with him…you didn’t give him up…”

“I did.”

Tiffany breathed deeply. She saw it clearly now.

“I gave up. Something inside me said that there was someone better out there waiting for me. Something inside me said that enough was enough.”

“…Is Yul going to give up on me then?”

Tiffany felt like whacking her own head. Oh gosh. How did she end up talking about breaking up with Siwon? Jessica definitely didn’t need to hear that. “Yul won’t give up on you. Yul loves you very much. And so do you. The two of you will get through this. Trust me.”

“Really?”

“I guarantee it. You’ll resolve your differences or my favourite colour isn’t pink.”

~~~~~